July 2025
June 2025
Looking forward to going to the 12 step group camp out. Im much better now; concerning going; However, the nature of the people at these meetings; not everyone is my friend; some people think they are royalty and important. And at times I interact with them or should I say get smashed by them out of cheap shots as they don’t give me the credit I deserve; they think they are ALL THAT! I get roasted; but Ive learned how to stay put and let it roll of my back; I must remember where I am; Im in a 12 step meeting with sick people.
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I do get triggered tho; the old days of humiliation where I had to hold everything in for years and years with no one on myside as they destroyed my life; I was not safe to speak? It would have done no good; I was not in control of anything.
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Sexual time periods get triggered when Im under stress by those putting me down. Ive found a strange thing; Im not allowed to remember when having sexual relations with anyone. My mind dissociates to the point Its impossible to go there. And this has caused great problems with dating anyone; Why? Because bulling and intimidation is in that place of intimacy; when I think of intimacy with someone; I see the bullying and thus my mind wont allow me to ever be intimate with anyone anymore; However, that is now changing as I learn to put forth goals; stepping stones within my imagination of what I want. Im taking these platforms right over the top of the past abuse trauma thoughts and stories and creating my new stories of what I want to see in my head and where I want to go in my head... it will take much work; its sorrowful work and brutally painful; screaming sessions of pain; thats what it is; but forged; the pathways fight away through the terror horror and fear and I find myself at the finishing platform and I have a vision of being in a stadium and a crowd cheering me on...
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back to the stuck up people at the meetings;
So; what does this mean; Its not safe talking with them or associating with them; they will cut me down publicly that they have status… Evil; but I have to remember; no screening process to the groups; groups form within groups. Im someone that is intelligent but without much money at the moment and I speak the facts in meetings about my situations. In addition; I speak about my brokenness as if Im always broken; The key is; Im always working on exposure therapy; Im not as broken or weak or lost as I sound; for some wolf packs within the groups; they run with this trying to make me out to be a weakling and themselves taller at my expense. They are simply stupid people; and I must stay away from them.
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Back to some of the stuck up people in the meetings that think they are royalty;
So; to be accepted within those groups is not always easy; Some people like and respect me; many don’t and don’t care either way. They’ve made it clear Im nothing. Im written off as a fool not to be bothered with; However, if they get a chance they will go out of there way to interact with me as a superior where Im caught off guard responding to them; and that gives them the opportunity to return a remark of passive aggression or a put down; Ive seen them show up around me for that purpose; other then that they wont talk to me. And So; I leave them be; Im not interested in them; I am interested in being myself in the group but not with them…
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Im not sure what it is with some; its a kind of hatred hostility. I must remember where Im at.
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Community College;
Im looking forward to getting better and at some point when ready; I would love to take a community college class. I want that part of my life back; that part of my life was dissociated from reality and I was unable to function at any kind of college or working environment. I want that feeling of feeling good about myself while studying. And getting a good grade.
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So; it would be nice to be finished with hardened trauma that blocks me from trusting anyone or anything; It would be nice to heal and feel safe again; to participate again and try to do well.. Wouldn't that be nice. Im a long ways from this…
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Bulling is something vast and must be looked at; God must work magic on this one; finding myself around bullies that threatened and controlled me all the time. I had no family; nothing. I would have had to go to extreme violence to survive… It happened everywhere I went all the time…
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THE GIRL UP THE STREET: FIRST LOVE:
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Strangely; this is one area that’s almost completely worked out. I look back and its almost normal level; no dissociation because she is turning into something of no power… just one thought of her as she actually existed. All the power of her and her story is gone. I do remember her; but at some point; that might be complete history as she is almost complete history.
This gives me hope concerning all other areas of extreme abuse incurred. If; of all cases or crimes against me; if this one can be deflated; My God; what about the rest of them; I truly mean it; if this story can be fixed or corrected or brought down to earth solved and resolved; My God; what about all others that have pain associated with them. I can see hope in every area.
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When I tell God to help me over n over n over on a situation where I was an abused victim ; and I approach it from different ways and levels; the universe can see I mean business; Im serious; When the universe sees me trying and taking action on things; things began to happen. Magic happens. I get results; I get relief.
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I Will say this; the universe works with me and does magic and this is an example of that magic.
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Im having a small problem with a person at the meetings;. Ive created a scenerio where Im wanting to be more accepted so Im pushing my interaction with this person; Im fawning this person; kind of kissing up to them. This makes them look important and me small. Thus they say hi or associate with me from a position of being on the heights while Im in the valley. Today; I made comments to him from across the room as an equal as if we were friends; he and his friends tried to ignore me. He finally turned and gave me a puzzled look and demeaning comment like I was a retard… Mean; it was beneath him to acknowledge me as a friend that was joking with him or inline with him or that we were in unison as buddies; his answer was one of indifference showing he heard me but had no personal identification with me; 2 faced.
However, was it 2 faced! Lets take a look?
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When I first met him; he was out of it and arrogant; out of it mentally. Later; as he got better; I would say something to him but from the beginning; he thought from his military background he was superior to others and the fact he had been in combat… Fair enough. I stayed away from him. Later still; as he got better; and Im glad he did; and I thank him for his service and all others fighting for my country. However, He and his close crew of friends; and I know them; and they stay together; they did have a kind of joined position were someone like myself is not allowed into.. Fair enough; no problem. However, At times he would try to be friendly and for the sake of interactions with others I would say hi or hi 5 or some other handshake type; knuckle shake or what ever. No issues accept that he was becoming popular… no problem; great; not my business.
The problem is; Im trying to develop and develop my social skills and I abruptly found out today that he is not someone to develop with; he is not a friend of mine… And that is very important; he can be friendly but under his own terms; and that means hes spitting on all the little people.
This did not bother me to much because I never really tried to get to close to him to know him. However, today I was feeling better and I'm familiar with the person and talked as if I was one of the group; of his group; but I got ignored on purpose or ran into the ground or silenced… it didn’t work; I opened up again; but was found to be put down or indifference as if I had no business or purpose talking to someone important like him. My words were grounded and shuttled off very quickly into silence of no importance….
Why this story is important. This was not a friend of mine who turned on me; This was never a friend of mine; This was someone I fawned or kissed up to; and got attention from. He appeared to be friendly; but thats because from his angle; he was just being friendly while he thought he had it going on. The problem was me getting friendly with him; By doing so I thought I was friends with him; not so. He was not smart enough to know he knows nothing about me or anyone else.
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Whats interesting is that I'm involved in any of this in the first place or that I would allow myself to get pulled into something like this in the first place. I did get a wake up call; This is no friend of mine or anyone I should be talking to or ever associating with ever again. Im not so insecure that I have to associate with this person.
This person are not my friend. They never wanted to be; they never claimed to be; they never claimed to see any value in me in the first place; in fact; he was honest about suggesting he thought he was superior to me when I first met him; he was brain dead I thought. Hes better know; but still; I did not heed the words and the warning he told me. He made it clear the kind of person he was and his intent toward me and others.. I didn’t take the warning. He did not break my friendship but it felt that way. We were never friends; so; he was not 2 faced.
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I mentioned the Girl Up the Street many times; working through that situation. So sad to say; and it hurts so much; but she was not a friend of mine; she never claimed to be or wanted to be; What she did may have been inhuman; but she never claimed she was human or wouldn't be inhuman. It was my fault for associating with her in the first place; could I not find better people to associate with. It was my fault I assumed she was a specific kind of person with specific traits and values; I was projecting myself and my values on to her; she ended up nothing like I suggested to myself; I talk to myself and register facts about a person; I was wrong on all accounts.
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Heres the deal; I can be judged for my hair; beard, clothing,. Weight age height looks; economic situation; work; where I live. Do I have a relationship or am I alone. Intelligence. You name it; but these people judging me are not my friends; if they think they are better then me; fine; I don’t have to associate with them; but they are not my friends; never claimed to be my friends.
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The problem is; I find them and try to make them my friends so I can feel part of things… the problem is; at a low level they will talk to me; but if I expect any other level; forget it. I find out quickly; they were never my friends and could care less who I am or what I have to say. They are 2 stupid or corrupt to value me or be around me. So the question is; Why am I around them? And thats the abrupt question.
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So; Ill work with God to find the right people to have closer relationships with; Ill keep praying about it.
The meetings I go to are a mosh of all kinds of different players; no screening process so its all a learning curse; even now; Ive been at these meetings for a third of my life. Really grateful; but Ive always said they were never places for me to date or find friends… Im much more particular about who I hang out with. Im not suggesting I wont find friends at those places or dates. Im suggesting its a hard place to read people at times; I don’t know who Im dealing with accept I know theyve got problems like I have problems. Ive never felt safe dating anyone at those places or for any sexual pic ups; even tho Ive had numerous offers in the past; I just never felt safe and no one ever made me feel safe; they didn’t care about such things so I never cared to go any further and go home with them; They are beautiful women tho… many of them… but once I sense pathology; Im finished with them. And I don’t let people play me against other guys; Im finish immediately with them for good. So; its a great place for recovery but if I want safer relationships I should learn how to go out into the real world. And Im on the verge of such things…
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Getting old and being fat; getting old; not a problem unless pulled muscles and tendinitis stuff become problems and it does.
Fat when old; One has to learn how to begin to slow down the eating process; change the foods one eats and attempt exercise; and attempt to eat much much less food and food that that is good for ya.
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Music lyrics; Still writing them; Ill continue to write them and report on it until I feel developed enough to write lyrics for a song I want to sing publicly.
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So; as for the fake friends at the meetings at times. I really have to work on this; these are not my friends and not safe people; the specific people Im talking about; and it would be safer to have walls up around them; boundaries.
I have a real problem with this. Im almost pathological or trauma bonded or blind from dissociation; I find myself thinking I can be friends with anyone; I cant; I mean; Im walking up to them trying to be friends; when they could care less who I am. This is the wrong approach. I find them at times taking over meetings; I have to just stay silent; speak up when its my turn; speak about what I feel about and then leave after the meeting.
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Ive been asking God for things I normally would have asked my father for or for help or discussed it with him when I was young. Wouldn't it be nice to have money; Wouldn't it be nice to have a car; wouldn't it be nice to have a girlfriend.
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In all of these I feel extreme fear! However, I also now God has Got my back… And Im starting to remember when I lived that way. Im starting to feel God is with me and I don’t need anything else… meaning; God will and can bring me the right life and the life I want… I don’t need anyone else’s permission.
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A bottleneck resides in me of teenage time; a time for learning about obtaining money and girlfriends and cars and such.
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I just have to keep praying… pray for everything I want… Keep asking God and working with God.
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So; Im getting a feel for this; I havent had this since childhood… I think 2nd grade… 8-9 years old.
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NEXT ROUND;
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Im now hitting this place in childhood where Im sensitive and have to learn to reach out. This is an independent state and where I was literally beheaded and shut down; for it was a thrill and fun for the psychopaths to have a victim; a clear free victim to do this with; and that unfortunately was me; but I was not the only one; they had done this to several others before me and before them; they had done this to others and attempted to do this to others all along there path of horror and misery they brought to other people.
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So; I have to go back in my history and recreate a new story of bi passing and or running from the psychopaths; going in a new direction; Then; getting new support that is safe and that I can trust; next; Beginning the process of asking for what I want…
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Asking women out; How is this done; What do I mean; I don’t mean; how do I ask them out; I mean; how do I deal with the past gone; because thats the pain of it; and thats the reality of it; and thats what was stolen on all fronts from me from those I interacted with. They were never my friends; instead; they turned on me. But in reality; they were never my friends; so; why was I hanging out with people who were never my friends. I should have left immediately. I had absolutely no one looking after me all of my life accept me.
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I had no ability to create new pathways in my mind to where I want to go because I did not have that kind of knowledge yet. I was still so young.
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Am I at that place of accepting this yes! Why do I feel this; Well? Those people of the past; there is a loop hole for me.. it seems they set me up and destroyed me by acting like they were friends; However, several real indicators suggest otherwise; First; no one ever came to be friends. God did not call them to be friends with me… They never came to me; I always went to them; when I stopped calling them; I would never hear from them ever again; This is extremely important to my aspects of reality and its something I still deal with; entitlement out of anger from what happened to me in the past. I seem to be numb in this area; Heres the deal; stop going after people that don’t want me and never wanted me and don’t want to get near me and think they are better then me; Walk away; never go near them to start with; find someone else according to who God is sending.
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Who is God bringing ( bringing me close to)? Hmmm?….. I don’t know if I trust this. This is a whole other set of problems; if someone gets close to me or I to them; is it from God or the Devil.
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Anyway; back to the main subject I don’t like looking at or facing; but it must be faced and I must look at it.
When young;
The pretty people; rich people, wanted nothing to do with me. I had no idea this would happen… However, before I get bent out of shape; They never asked to be around me in the first place; nor did they seek me out ever. If I had never contacted them; I would not have a problem with them. In a court of law; I would not be able to present evidence that they were good or bad people because no evidence shows they liked me in the first place; they were never interested in me in the first place. How do I keep saying this; I talk about this in each of my blogs; I went out of my way looking for people to be with; I felt that was fine.. In reality; the process must be ran by God. I had no family supplying anything of a human nature. Unfortunately; I ended up around the wrong people; I ended up around people that bullied me actually or treated me less then what Im worth; I didn’t even know; and I was used as a scapegoat for ever associating with them in the first place; I didn’t know this either. They kept trying to make me out to being worthless trash or a bad person. I mean; right from the beginning but no one like that existed to me; I never saw it. Unfortunately; I did not take the hint; ( RUN! RUN FOR MY LIFE); I just didn’t understand; I was to young.
One other important issue; No success in schooling; and this is one of the most important issues and I will address this in the real world at some point and get my ability to be a strait A student; Ill get it back. Ill get it back somehow working with God; Ill get it back.
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When a teenager; young teenager... and when younger.
The signs when young indicated that although I could walk up and say hello to a student; they really never wanted me around or wanted me or liked me or valued me; they thought I was white trash; they thought they were superior. I did not understand such weirdo concepts when young. However, later I will be lashed at by there emotional hatred contempt prejudiced whip; and feel the pain; I was not wanted there; ( GET OUT). IT was made clear I was intruding; I was an intruder… And I was! I could not deny that; it was not my intent; I was innocent and did not consider myself an intruder but I was if they say so; considering it was there lives and there house; so; I had to leave.. But not until much later. They were passive aggressive and never told me. Looking back; its so horrifically sad; I spend my childhood at someones house as a little kid that never wanted me; meaning the whole family and the kid I was friends with. He never wanted me as a friend; I was just being used. It makes me sick kind of. But; there were signs from the beginning.
So; in many cases; I was not wanted by these stuck up communities; fair enough; where was I suppose to go and around whom…
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So; talk to God.
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They were never interested in me;
Im going to make them interested….
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Why was I so interested in making someone want me and like me; I was; that was the plan for my life to survive. I needed them and connection to survive.
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Now; I need to work with the universe and have the universe bring me connections to survive; God first; bringing me connections. I stay out of it… I outline what I'm looking for from God first and let God bring it to me. I wait upon God.
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I did not do this before… I did not wait; nor did I know better…
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Where am I at today;
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At some point; Ill go back out into the world and meet new people; Im with the understanding that it will be 50 no’s and 1 yes!
I am afraid of meeting the wrong people… So; Ill have to focus on what Im looking for..
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A Terrific thing! ( THE PAST IS GONE); Gone enough; can I really move on?
I can still feel the pain of the past; but more n more; the past ( THE GREAT LIE); may finally be moving out… and I get my space back…. Im tired of it taking up my space; I get the message; Im not what I thought I was… In a fake kind of sense; OKEY; Im Ok being who I actually am; so; Im fine starting over; no problem… It hurts because I have to move or physically do something and ive been dormant for a long time; fair enough. Im beginning to not only accept my situation; Im beginning to like and love myself love who I am. Its a beginning. And this; with out anyone from the past. Nothing. Because; those people didn’t love me; no one! Nothing; worthless creeps! Weirdo’s; thats all they are; thats all they were!
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So; Im getting very close…..
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SENSITIVE AND REACHING OUT;
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Im getting close to re learning how to do this; like on lifes terms.. Still a gap; not there yet… getting close; very close.
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Who am I looking for; start the goal process and start talking to God.
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One problem with looking for other people; what part of me is looking; the nice person or am I hunting with hatred for those that did my life in… Resentment or friendship.
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IM NOT WHAT I CLAIMED OR I THOUGHT TO BE..
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I hung around well to do middle class kids; I was not one of them. I found out the hard way… Not that I hung around nothing but them; but I ended up in those houses...
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I have and had no self esteem to be around such privilege group of people. I had no privilege in this area…
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WHen Young;
I had no built self esteem to be around anyone. I thought because of my internal worth; I would be around people that liked me; I was wrong; nothing could be further from the truth. As Im writing Im starting to see a kind of clearer picture of what I was suppose to be doing. I was suppose to be concentrating on my interests and meeting those associated around such things. For example; maybe Im taking a class in teaching and meet others at the same facility… or learning or acting or some other thing. Renaissance fair or something; the symphony or something. Well; no! Maybe! More like this.
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I was suppose to work at something that interested me and meet people at those places. So; This means I was kept out of being able to interact or be part of things… OK! So; What things. How can I get involved in those things today; the right path of activities; Ill talk to God about this.
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Im talking about my sensitive nature; where is it suppose to be; In teaching; in creating Art and Music; Acting; Mathematics and outer space.. What am I suppose to be involved in naturally that I feel at home with.
Ill talk to God about this; what group do I feel at home with.
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The 12 step groups; I do not feel at home with in the sense of actually feeling its the right direction or wrong direction for my life; its more about an extended or continuous hospital stay…( a hospital room filled with hospital family); Its a place for safety and healing… Its not about anything else… I like it sometimes; I don’t like it allot of times but Im so grateful for having it; a place to go and belong and call a big family; and it is a big family; in fact; I might call it an actual real family… But its not that other type of life Im talking about; that occupation place Im talking about.
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When I speak about my direction and the right people; Im talking about first; Occupation and Education; and being led down the right pathways for productivity and activities; the right direction for my life; what are those daily events; what would I be doing and where would it be at; what type of discipline would I be associating myself with; Teaching., creating,. Mathematics? Drama? Business/Money
Also; all of these new thoughts go right over the old ones when thrown away and lost and just wondering as a boy lost and thrown away and confused and not loved with no hope no past no future; nothing. These new directions are to take the place of that time period of when I was thrown away and sexual abused...
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I remember a little bit of this when young; actually allot of this when very young and then it all; disappeared.
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So; In a sense; its up to me and much and mostly up to God. Its up to God to get me back to where I was when living On C street in my home town; getting me back home to be me again so I can start over as the sensitive boy I once was; and that is exactly what is happening… In fact; im getting almost 2 close; Im feeling my sensitivity and Im wondering how Im going to survive any of this out in the real world; How Im going to survive rejection… all the NO”S before the YES shows up…
How Im ever going to trust anything or people or place or thing; ever feel safe to be involved in anything ever again; and a thought came to me; Ill meet people that are really like me; introvert sensitive quit; living in there own world. a frequency above.
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Ill have to work with God on it; However, Im beginning to see something else; Im starting to see the idea of; Where am I suppose to be? What environment; creative teaching and creative environment. Or; Artist Actor composer environment. Telescopes and NASA environment.
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What does my environment look like that I want to be in when I continue to grow again; A museum; A class room; A Gallery Art studio for creating. A Rock stage playing progressive music… A Piano with computer slaving over composition to be played at the theater! A gaming machine? Outside on trips… taking people to the Grand Canyon..
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Who am I; where am I suppose to be.
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The key is this; Its now me and God. So; that is part of the base. Thats the whole base. Ive got a place to live; food n water; Lots of recovery rooms and such… outings like camp-outs and karaoke nights and such stuff…
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Its up to me and God to find these new/old places. I say old because I was on the beginning run when very young to being involved within them before I was neglected and thrown away. If I had all the love and security and interest by others in safe spaces; where would I be; what environment; computer science; Art Gallerias? Where would I be hanging out; What would I have to learn to be part of that environment.
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Romantic concepts; they are starting to come back to me. I saw and felt in my mind the sensitive part of me wanting to escape. I did this as a boy; it was all I needed; just safe backyard when a child to hide around in; escape in and feel everything. Ive began to remember this.
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I thought to myself; I saw myself walking over to a tree; a tall tree; a pine tree or oak tree; something; with lots of openness on the bottom of the tree; Id walk under it and hide; I could feel the sensitive aspect of myself when young; I mean; those feelings when young; I was feeling them again and escaping in them again.
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And with this; I thought of romance… meaning; Im growing. Im more down my natural aspect or line or pathway of source energy of the universe.. This sensitive pathway is my pathway… and Im starting to grow in it and become a bit sensitive again; I'm starting to be parts of me again; Im starting to show up.
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This part of me showing up; parts of me showing up are the better or more developed culturally; they are not for 12 step meetings; they were way above that; these feelings . That means I'm hitting a place along the hierarchy of needs; I'm now hitting higher levels. I havent had this since childhood. That means Im definitely getting somewhere in my recovery; its starting very small; but its starting to move upward in frequency; Im starting to remember when I was at normal family frequency; I kind of remember my neighborhood; Im seeing and feeling memories of such things. However; I also remember being thrown away and basically walked around with no learning or guidance; nothing; totally destroyed. So; Back to topic; within the recovery process Im getting what I need. Much of the time its incognito in a sense that I don’t say all of my trauma or where its from while at the meetings; I just talk about choice situations that bother me and how Im working on them; very small apertures of time periods. Many times I repeat the same few names Im working on; meaning; working on from the past; Ill pic a few and talk about them and work on them; and thats all Ill reveal. Those names of the past represent all other aspects and depths of trauma… My life is my business no one elses, but Ive got to recover and it looks like that is happening… We will see where all of this goes. Ill keep working with the universe on this. This new higher level aspect is just starting; would be cool if I moved into this; became this again.
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Im definitely going to the camp out this year; its still a therapeutic experience.. Im better; my recovery is stronger then beforfe; but Im not just rehabing in life; Im still messed up and my mind is still distorted and full of PTSD and dissociation. Im better but Im still on the other side with mental illness; the messed up side. I have allot of helper programs in my head. I have tools and I have some great tools associated with success based thinking and many from the 12 step system; all of these put together with goal setting structures in my imagination help; and I believe I can do things and head toward things I could not do before. I believe I can use goals to face what I could not face before; I can re create new pathways in my imagination through imagining or writing new stories about what I want.
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As for the people in the groups; the better I get the more people seem estranged from me but also several people seem closer.
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For many with the wolf mentality; I seem fumbling weak I think… I say nothing to them; let them think what they want and go about my higher powers business as before.
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