July 2025
June 2025
Blog;
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OCCUPATION;
So; as I pray about occupation; an interesting process is showing up… Talking to God about Occupation; And with the ongoing support groups through 12 step groups for strengthening; much like having a family… or being in one; Im seeing strange resulting impressions.
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Suddenly I see myself taking steps beyond anxiety walls… I see myself stepping through anxiety walls…
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Ive been practicing a long time with visualization of taking steps; literally stepping in my imagination; taking steps; Like 10 steps forward over an imaginary bridge… Taking steps forward… toward goals.
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I see myself walking slowly step by step to my destination.
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In the case of Occupation; Ive never worked on it… This has been a concept of Death… Its that backwards and painful. Dissociated….
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So; That fact Im talking to the universe about occupation is quit amazing… However; its not; its something Im suppose to ask the universe. But I've never done it before. It was impossible before; but allot of fear is associated with it; its associated with my Father who never was; who was not what he appeared to be; He was a monster; I did not know; At All.. Its a whole different ball game when one doesn’t know… until its 2 late… They were murder’rs… I didn’t know…
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So; I was going to put my valuable life into this persons hands? And that is the fear and horror of it…
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So; here I am now; opening all this up again… And its freaking me out; but its also amazing that Im at this place of opening this up again… I mean! We are talking about ages 0-10 probably; where all of this fits in. After that or even before that the dream was fading away… But I didn’t know who those people were until age 9. I knew what my mother was; I did not know that my father was the same!
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And I didn’t know my mother was who she really was; I knew she couldn’t be trusted and was twisted; but I did not know she was a full psychopath… I knew but I didn’t know what that meant; I didn’t know I wasn't safe… Meaning; in the same state… I had no idea what those people really were! I didn’t know they had it in for me; both of them working together…
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So; I Was cut off; totally; life over…
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So; no more development…
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The walls of anxiety huge; No development of any kind from parents; Nothing! I Was completely undeveloped…
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So; here I am now; working with God… And suddenly a door opens… its a very small door; but its interesting and can only happen traditionally if Im under a families deep care; meaning; I feel safe loved and cared for; and thus because of that love I start taking chances… and I start within my mind; in my imagination. And I just did that; I imagined Im taking steps toward that goal of occupation; its like taking steps in the snow; in a cozy neighborhood with snowy ground… And Im taking steps meaningfully to practice on my own taking some initiative toward a goal… Im practicing goal setting and taking steps… And this goes beyond where I actually came from in life. Its as if my childhood just got extended…
And this is the marvel of God; God can do this; God can create a way on earth that I get re fed from a family system when no traditional family system is present… God can re establish me within groups in recovery where I secretly and patiently allow myself to be Familied; and in the process; slowly after a long while; I start getting the love benefits of it; At a deeper level within myself that used to be hollow; its filled in with new social experiences and love… IT may take much time for some of us like me; And it has; but working with God is working.
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Im now onto ( the idea) of; Occupations; to learn who I am; what kind of occupations I was suppose to be involved with when young; Im now showing signs of practicing development with Goals; experimentation with Goals concerning learning how to go in my original directions concerning occupations. As I mentioned before; My development was stopped or beheaded cut off. Now; its showing signs within my imagination of an extension that did not exist before. So; I just took my first practice steps toward this.
I will say; This is serious business; Ive not done this before working with God on this subject; This was a death subject because it was part of the damage of being around monsters who destroyed me when young… So; all of this was closed off… This was part of a narrative that was killed; as my early life was killed off and another personality was created; several because they kept getting cut off and destroyed and murdered…
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So here I am going right over the top of those murders with new experience determination and interest.
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So; I took my first steps asking God about Occupation; Original occupation and how I would find out who I am…
As Ive mentioned before; Im an older man… Im not 80; but Im getting there…
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Im asking God to restore me… Bring back my original self; A self that could function toward my goals and beliefs about my goals and future… Help me to start over… Get back inline with work and activities and occupations and purpose and life…
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NOTE: As I mentioned; at my age; Certainly I do not believe Ill be putting in a life of working at an occupation from college bound; meaning; something like Engineering; but ya never know! I know God will help and restore me; its already happening; How will God restore the concept; and the spiritual concept of Occupation; the identification I had as a child of my future; my occupation… What does it mean… What does Occupation mean; what does it mean to me; Does it mean willing the lottery… Traveling; what does it mean.
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WOMEN;
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The biggest problem I had with women when young; picking women who did not want to help. And it was a mistake to go to women for anything… The main problem I had with women; I had No Occupation; and no-way to break into the schooling system or family system needed to become anything; I was completely shut out and shut off and undeveloped…
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NOTE: I was not around nice people; nice women; and their it is; they were not wholesome decent people.
When I went to women; I was co dependent on them to help me; I was in a complete helpless desperate state. They just laughed me… I was shocked… This was my country and my countryman… Why would they laugh at me; I was a destroyed person; why did they not help me… Well; They didn’t help me because the only people that help anyone are those assigned to such things; such as mental health facilities through the state; Im afraid the middle class people up the street are not trained to help anyone… That was a devastating depressing reality to discover that no one cared about me or what happened to me; even after I reached out… it didn’t matter to strangers; they bit my hands off… they bit my arms off; So I stopped putting myself out; I stopped expressing anything to anyone anymore….
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The point is; I know better then to take my occupation problems to any women to help me or solve anything; They simply did not… they didn’t care… Many are not trained for such things… that does not seem like much of an excuse; but when meeting strangers; those strangers were not responsible for my demise… Certainly morally in the eyes of God they are ( in a sense; The good Samaritan story in the Bible); but that is between them and God… Not that I cant be a witness; but what is the point; I never went to someones house to testify to God against them; to judge them; I simply thought someone was going to take care of me; I simply went for help; The problem was; the problem is; going to them for help in the first place was a mistake… I needed to go to place qualified to help me.
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NOTE: A DELUSIONAL STATE: As I edit some of what Ive written here; I realize a sane person; who visited the kind of people I asked for help from; The person visiting would have turned around and left within minutes and moments after red flags creased their minds… I realize; A sane person would have walked away immediately; or been aware of what they were like simply by interacting with one of the family members… I can see a simple solution to all this; If I had been sane; I would have walked in their door; and walked out the same moment; laughing all the way to the bank because they were dangerous people… I would have never found myself in a place like that in the first place. The fact I stayed around them suggests the kind of deep set trauma bonding I had experienced from others; abusers before this.
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At this point Ive learned that help comes from 12 step groups and God… And before this; state help and therapy…
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It is and was possible with work to move beyond my mother and father… IT will take much long work and time… Its possible if I have many help groups to surround myself with on a daily basis and a workable recovery process. I did have these processes and every day Im discovering new methods and directions never thought possible that take me back into life again; Place with broken bridges and defaulted passage ways unkempt for human conditions and traveling..
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So; to my surprise; I have been asking God about occupations; Im just throwing the idea at God and seeing what happens when I pray about it and working on moving forward in my imagination about; See what all of this opens up.
So far; its opened up bits n pieces of my childhood that have been shut off; These are pleasant little bits n moments; moments in my childhood; So; Ill continue to do this and see where all of this goes..
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I may start writing stories about being in occupations and see how that feels; as if Im having success in them on a daily basis with stories of success in them…. We will see.
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ON BEING SMART ENOUGH;
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My negative view of myself concerning intelligence to get through school; Seemed like I was no good in school. Not smart enough; In many cases; I seemed down right dumb… Like I was the slowest person in the class or not smart enough for anything…
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In reality; I question this; Ive had such dissociative disorders and avoidance trauma problems… And not in touch with any kind of intimacy… So; I could not get involved. And it just got worse with time and no one cared… I may have been one of the most broken mentally ill people in the school…
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So; If I could learn to have a good attitude about applying myself.. Maybe God will allow me to learn how to get better at applying myself and staying present and not dissociate; I don’t know… I have no idea. Im just throwing things out here… As I ask God to open up this area.
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As I said before; Hobbies Women and occupations. The lack of Occupation developed destroyed the possibility of the other 2; not just because of money; but because I had no purpose or direction in life and my security level didn’t exist… I was starving for help. Thus; anyone I met; I demanded they help me because I had a problem and many people bulked at the idea; I was not an important investment to them… I meant nothing to them….
In some cases; people led me on n on as a joke laughing at me behind my back the whole way; I never knew; and I was in complete trouble the whole time; meaning; I had no life and no development; I had been thrown away and spent most of my life fantasizing away through TV shows and other means; it was the only thing I had… I nothing else.
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I divorced life completely;
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I deserved the wife that was brought to me when young; Was she really suppose to be my wife?; Ill never know because it was I that was undeveloped; and the buck stops with me; not her! But the buck stopped with her; I always thought she was playing me completely; However; Their lives are non of my business… Situationships DONT COUNT! I never followed through… I left… And she was playing me the whole time anyway; I was 2 mentally ill to be around anyone; certainly not some upper middle class spoiled rich kid with no conscious with a golden clad future set before them. And in all reference; She did earn what she had… meaning; grades and participation in life.. So; I cant take that from her… But then; I was never in an invited intimate position to give my opinion about her personal life in the first place. And Im still not; Its closed out. I was never invited into her home or life in the first place… Nothing… And I hate that part of this story; or any story. I had forged my way into a strangers intimate space and I was thus; asked to leave the same way I came in. And thats probably a closer reality to this story of dilution then any other part of it.
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NOTE: I truly believe the reality of this story is; I was delusional and make believed everything I wanted to concerning some stranger whos house I invaded… No one asked me to like anyone at a personal level at their house. I should have been a a nice stranger; and after meeting the occupants of the house; left…
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I divorced Gods commandments for me… and Ill will pay for it…
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Ill never know if I left the women Got sent me; left them in a lurch; meaning; In the dust; In the Dusty trail… But I was a Dusty Dude; I had no money! I had no future; the floor fell through; the trap door caught me and send me reeling down the hallways of loneliness…
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Today Im still the same guy but within the recovery process. And in the recovery process Ive been able to believe in believing that maybe I can believe again; or at least turn to God and talk to God about it; and get a foundation brewing; rolling; growing; developing under God.
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Foundations continue to develop under me as I do the work with God and under God…
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NOTE; Mental Health is starting to get stabilized… Kinda; Im seeing possibilities….
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Im asking God to re establish me with my wife… Who or what ever that may be or what ever that means?
What does that mean? It does not mean the actual people God sent me from the past; it could but I doubt it… I don’t know; its A God Thing! However; It means I want to be reinstated back into my life again where I have a wife again and a house and a car and a career and a hobbies and callings and educations and occupations. And Im really talking about Sanity here. And Im getting closer...
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However; Im asking God to reinstate me back into having a wife; Id like her back please… I divorced her and the idea of being around her or having her or anyone else; I Dropped out of society; Now Im asking God to slowly keep putting that side walk under me so I have something to walk on to my destination.
That Side walk is a foundation; That foundation started as a thought and a dream… it was a vast desert with nothing in it… No bridges no roads no walkways; Nothing… And even when it got walkways; I had to ask God to teach me how to walk again in my imagination… I can actually walk; What Im referring to is trauma bonded destroyed useless person; catatonic and dissociated; Even tho I can technically walk; I was feared out of; trained learned helplessness; And thats what Im learning how to face.
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A gap resides where Im at and where I want to be; it is between a wife; a career occupation and the schooling and successful attitude to go with it; its a gap between being in touch with who I want to be when I grow up; meaning; what kind of college degree; physicist; Engineer; Teacher, Mathematician.. And so on… Astronomer. What direction would I have been aligned with when young…
In a fantasy note;
How do I get good grades in school if I started over from the beginning… I would have to take responsibility; However; Id have to believe; and thus Id have to be fully present; Not whacked out from the past. Id have to have a believing loving attitude of gratitude toward what I was working toward. Id have to be into it.
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So; gaps occur and so does fear! Lots of fear from sexual abuse and being captive against my will; and being thrown away and finding out every person I thought I was having relationships was using me… In the end; most of those people were not in relationships with me; I was mentally ill and disillusion.
Today; Im wiser then that… So; Ive asked God to show me how to be a little more lonely and lot more spartanistic disciplined and austere toward things; toward my life; A life now filled with a new cultural internalized self; A self governed by Goal setting and the idea, study and knowledge of Success…. And work ethic; Work ethic. Easy does it now! But; work ethic. I need a work ethic; work has to be done to accomplish what I want to express myself in; it takes work. So; Ill letting God help me learn how to do this; how to participate..
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Just at a meeting talking about all of this… Yes; Im getting better; But; Im getting what I earn… So; this is not like when young. I have to slowly work with a higher power and break in with a higher power and once connecting with a higher power and giving my request and plea… Thus; One more Golden brick is added to the pathway… After putting down 10 thousand bricks; earning each one and spending time in the recovery process daily with others… Slowly a grounding and foundation is formed under my feet. I don’t always see it; and I don’t always realize Im moving down the pathway… But I am… And its not always Gold; but Id like to think so!
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At a night meeting;
A new concept; an authentic gap showed up in awareness; The authentic gap between where Im at and my manhood of freedom in the outside world. I was sharing about something else at the meeting and yet in my imagination This GAP information began to form as a THING in my mind; a picture.
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This is an authentic gap; meaning; Im at the end of myself; I drop off a ledge into abyss…
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Its the size of the Grand canyon; So; it will take some work… Meaning; this gap; where Im at the end of myself; This will take allot of work to slowly fill in.
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Ive been through numerous gaps within my recovery process; Finding these gaps within my development. However; not all are authentic examples of being at the end of my maturity life.. Being at the end of myself. This has only happened a few times… However; these authentic gaps took years to overcome; they are the size of the Grand canyon… Other gaps can be the size of a river; a river I have to imagine bridges are being created over and Im walking over to start a new life on the other side of the river. All gaps are hard to deal with; but the Authentic Gap of being at the end of myself? These may take a very long term and a long journey to fill in.
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This finding of a new gap between where Im at and where I want to be; Only happens and can happen while sitting in a group of people and talking about where Im at and my feeling about my life. Suddenly in a room of recovery people; special things start happening. I become aware of a mapping of my life and where gaps exist…
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My goal is to get my life back when young; This means processing the loss of the past and what caused it… And so; Im slowly learning. Im slowly learning how the universe is shaping me; had shaped me when young. And how the universe is shaping me now…
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Basically Im moving back into a personality of occupation/Wife/Hobby… And the insular circular concept of this… spiritually speaking.
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A gap resides where Im at now and where I want to be; However; its a gap the size of the Grand canyon; and its a place of no development; Im at the end of myself in this phase or color of this frequency…
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Now; its about Time; How much time it takes to come back to that state… a state that I remember when young… To process out the past and come back to it; Ill keep working with God; still dissociative and AVPD.
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Trusting God to make it through these 12 step groups and some of the scum in those groups; Not everyone; It seems just a few; but they always cause problems for people and they cause them for me… these are the kind of situations that require the police because of the kind of people Im dealing with.
So; the answer is to avoid them at all costs and still get what I need out of these meetings…
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God is trying to help me; I need to be on my knees more praying and get into guided meditations again the best I can…
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I can see a part of my nervous system is trying to accept the idea of waking up; Its scared Ill be destroyed again; its not ready. Ill pray for the right places so I can heal; where that is suppose to be; and how to deal with or handle bad people…
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Ill pray about all of this because people are acting out at the meetings again against me. Many times its after the meetings and in the parking lots…
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The key is to leave early… In a sense; take what I like and leave the rest and then just leave… I have to learn to leave; don’t turn some of these 12 step places into my home; they are not filled with a complete roster of people that are my friends. Im not special; everyone feels this way in these places; some have more friends; some have little… SO…..
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So; I have to work with God on all of this! Keep working on myself as I slowly slowly decide to wake up into reality.
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Pray for the right people who are on my side…
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The goal is getting closer…
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