July 2025
June 2025
lim·er·ence
/ˈlimərəns/
Learn to pronounce
nounPSYCHOLOGY
the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.
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Being in fantasy is what this is all about for me.. thats what Im attempting to come out of. Im attempting to look back or go back into my past and clean it up; Stop calling criminals that were pathological liars; con arstists; fraud based; Thieves; and in the end that would rape and murder any part of me they could get a hold of; Stop calling and identifying these sycophants as true loves or best friends or soulmates or.........._____________________.
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I have to stop gambling when it comes to relationships; I have to learn to respect the liar and thief and never go around them again.
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I I wanted to be loved and accepted and I wanted like minded people around; I did not find like minded people; I found 2 faced vicious murder'rs that would murder any part of me if given the chance. They would turn on me completely after promising me or acting like they were promising me the world... Turn on me the first chance they got.
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I thought they were my friends..( how insane is this) How I became dumb enough for this act of insanity; I dont know.
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They acted interested in me; only after I pursued them. They acted genuin as if they would always be fiercely trustworthy. In reality; they could not be trusted the moment I met them; they would turn on me like a drop a water on a cold day...
I was wrong about them; they were not nice people; they were murder'rs. And at some point the murder'r will attempt to murder me. I was not special; However, I thought I was; especially at the beginning. THey were already plotting at the beginning; I was a lamb to the slaughter before I ever got there.
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I thought; if I gave them real love and attention and loved them with all my heart; things would be totally different for their lives and mine; WHat they needed was to be loved; WRONG! ; they would be mine and I theirs.. a fierce loyalty of love. WRONG! Im never going to change a sociopath into a human being...
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All I got out of it; murdered. If they were criminal thieves; this just gave them an open door to steal everything I have. IF they are sociopathic criminals; THey will rob rape burn steal murder con manipulate; lie; about everything.. And if I set a foot in their lives I will be lied to raped murder'd and conned as fast as that... I will be flipped on my head faster then I can light a fuse...
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DENIEL:
"Ive got this"; ( IM IMMUNE) Syndrome. Im like the clinical Dr and this is my patient.. I am immune from being harmed by them; I am the lion tamer and they are the lion; and thats how the relationship works. Well; Guess what. THat is not how relationships work. Lion lion tamer is not a relationship!; its a bargain not to be eaten by the lion if I supply the lion food. They could care less who I am. And they didnt care to meet me; it means nothing. And they didnt call out to Sunny Jesus for help... They didnt need any help; ever.. If their not entertained they bite..
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I seemed to have thought I could hang out with murder'rs and not get hurt; and then suddenly I got murder'd. ANd it is this concept that the criminal will kill anything that moves; Thats how they build their personal power...
Concerning this first love; I keep thinking this is my family and we are brothers and sisters in it. But we are not; This is a criminal that will destroy anyone that walks through the door; they will kill them then rob them of their money then throw them out back into the cold and wait for another...
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And it is in this area I must wake up; its where im trauma bonded and asleep. I can feel it when I write this; Im in a dissociated paralyzed state while writing this; part of me is in the dark and wont move.
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My goal is to work through this limerent state and come out of denial and come back to ground level reality; so I can do something with my life. ( And Ive been finding the final answer to this situation).
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MEMORIES;
My memories are not correct; the way I add feelings to them and interpret their meanings... My head is full of lies... and abuse memories...
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I have memories of people; I added feelings to the memories to make us into friends so I wouldnt feel abandoned and alone.
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Its really sad; I spent time around people that were not my friends; who never wanted to meet me in the first place and could care less if they knew me; I tried to make those people in to super stars of my life.
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SEXUAL ABUSE:
Im seeing many of my mind feeling dysfunctions associated with sexual abuse and violations of being captive by the sexual abusers.... I was a child so I couldnt fight back... They were primary care givers; what ever the Hell that means.... This is going to affect my interactions with my first love.
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Sexual intimidation surrounds allot of the reasons I found new bad people to associate with; these bad people led me and then left me... Acting like they were superior to me.
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I want to look back on some of these criminals as these poor people that need my help; They are traumatized To! Well; THeir not; they never were; THey are monsters that will tear someone from limb to limb if they get the chances; THey will rape a pocket book; bank account; someone's reputation... love life; social life; private life.. and many more things. Their only interest in life is to murder the innocent and take advantage of everyone for their personal gain regardless of what happens to the innocent victim they have violated.
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Its my job to keep fighting to come out of these false memories...
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Ive got memories of people that liked me;right? WRONG! Ive got memories of people; I added the idea that they liked me. And that is what got me into trouble with those situations... I created false expectations with murder'rs. From the beginning they were plotting my murder and to get rid of me... and in the end they murdered me and got rid of me... I meant nothing to them the first day I met them.
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Im trying to wake up from this false reality; its got me trauma bonded and put to sleep and Im trying to do the work to wake up... Is wholly frustrating...
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Im trying to come out of victim hood; victim mode and go do the things I like to do in life; participate in the things I want to be part of. Its my brain that is stopping me; its the sexual abuse memories and other people who abused me...
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I ended up around new and more abusers in life and have to keep getting rid of them; one at a time.
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I wanted so badly for these bad evil people to like me; in the end they didnt. And they shouldnt have because they wouldn't have had the character or ability to do so in the first place.
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Im finding poison spiders to be friends with; its like; Come out of the limerence and move on from the spiders; they are not my friends. I wanted to love them date them; be my best friend. Its like No! They were not my friends and they are dangerous; really dangerous; I will end up dead associating with them; they are my enemies.. They need to be crushed under foot by the landlord;
they are enemies of people; and then I walk out of the room; What am I thinking here...! What have I done. Never meet them in the first place.
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My limerence is the problem and its gotten me into terrible situations.. Im so ######6 sick of it! all of it.. Its led me to hell; and to those weirdos that live their...
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My goal is to get back on my feet; Do the things I like to do in life; go after the things I like to go after in life.. Learn to work with God and go after them.
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When in college; I had no home. I look back and the pain; its almost like fire; no place; no home; no one; nothing; no place to go home to; nothing; no home.
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What I will do is draw up; and or write up a place Im secure at with parents or relatives that are steady or solid that I go home to everyday from school; solid as a rock; and safe. and Ill work with the universe to turn that around...
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The first girl I love; I have to turn that on its head; turn this on its head; Get strong enough to flip the whole thing upside down; thus meaning; it has no apparent attachments to me; nothing. Literally no attachments... Flipping it on its head... spinning it round and round; until I change the value of its words and meanings and get it more aligned with the reality; the horrible reality it actual is or was. And call it what it is...
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So; Ill work on the family I always wanted and thought I started out with... and ask God tell God to bring me more family or what ever works for what I want and need... replace what I didnt have; really get in there and learn with God how to believe again; Watch things manifest...
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I think I will look at all the places and things I wanted and those things taken from me and make an inventory and have GOd replace all of them and get me solidly back again.
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IVe been in a state of survival desperation all my life; I got so used to how it feels being tortured on a daily basis; it became a normal part of life; I would react or respond to it by finding horrible fiendish people of the most awful levels of life; just sycophants... I would go to them out of desperation to survive. Altho I was being eaten alive; I told myself; it was better then being alone...
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Im trying to understand to let those deviant predators alone; let them go. I dont need them anymore... nor want them; I will work with the universe to raise my frequency... and to believe I am worthy of the most basic stabilities in life; At least nice people to associate with.
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My First love; I thought I had a home there. NO home! My best friend when growing up! I thought I had a home their at his house; I did not; NO Home! None of these people wanted me! THe list goes on. Their was no best friend and their was no first love... they didnt exist. I was just being played by people. I was not a fool; I was innocent; thus; they were waiting in the dark to strike blood from the innocent; to shed blood from the descent..
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So; I have to ask God for help for a new set of homes and people... and believe... I was spending time at peoples homes that did not value me or want me; nor did they want to help me nor did God ask them to help me... I was not at places God wanted me to be.
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I was laughed at by these people and kicked out. Thrown away; when I was lonely and all alone... These were not safe people and God never sent them.
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So now; I have to learn how to trust GOd! and learn to trust God with the impossible it seems..
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Music;
Music is getting closer as I get rid of past stuff that I over calculated its importance. Ive been controlled by what others think. Actually it was others playing me and I didnt know it. God has revealed more n more. As this gets more n more revealed and I get more sick to my stomach concerning those people I gave credit; more n more; my interest in music is much much stronger.
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A bottle neck does exist between where Im at and making music to play live and playing it live.. or being dedicated to it... So; fear and pain still exist; Ill have to work with the universe to uncover more and see my true self; my freedom of true self emerge... Ill pray about it; keep praying about it.
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IM 14 again.
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The universe has brought me back to a specific spot in my history; age 14. And I so understand it... At that specific age; I was kind of new. Independent. But without any training guidance or direction; Nothing. and no one cared bout me or what happened to me... my future; nothing.
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THis was before I was betrayed by my first love; the girl up the street.. I didnt even know she was capable of betraying me. I had no idea.. I didnt really know who she was... But this is all before that.
I realized; it was a large jump to somehow make it up to her house to meet her in the first place. Chances are; I would have never met her... A complete chance I would have never met her ever for any reason. In fact; THis next round; I wont be. Im with God this time...
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MY FIRST LOVE WHO LIVED UP THE STREET:
What can I tell you about her.
I Was set up and played... Thats all it was; it was a joke for her; nothing more... However, one must remember; It was a big jump for me to ever meet her; she never came to me. I mean; she lived fare enough away that its a large jump for me to have ever met her... And I did not take this into consideration. I just assumed THe universe brought us together; Unfortunately; she did not!
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Its my feeling that this was an act of the Devil trying to destroy me.
When I was being sexually abused at age 11; I called out to God for help over n over to bring me someone; anyone to love and to love me. And when I moved away from my home town into a city on the coast; I began to feel my heart grow and grow; a flow. And later; suddenly someone asked me if I wanted to go with them; my brother and this girls brother. My brother told me he had a sister my age. So; I went. The rest is a horror story... I think both my brother and his friend were stoned and I do not think God was working through them... This was not a Godly situation from the start. Would have been better for me to be praying in my room and let this pass... These were evil people I was being driven to; driven up the street; This guy and his sister and their parents were all evil... I saw it but didnt respect what the warning signs meant! Now I do...
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So; Im back at age 14 before I met my first love.. I still have much rage and hatred to get out concerning this matter... Kill rage levels of anger.. I dont like being ripped off...
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I still have lots of poison in me from this girl. And thus; through maybe the next year; Ill work with the universe getting that poison out. But the story is finished...
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THE STORY IS FINISHED>
Meaning; I understand the philosophy of what happened here in this time period of my life. I understand what happened and why; and I understand who this girl was; how she was thinking and how I was thinking. I understand the motive for her to want to destroy me; set me up and pull the rug out on me. I understand my part in this; as I traveled to her house for this to start; she never came to me.
I understand I was dealing with Well-TO-Do-Middle-Class'rs and how they murder anyone that is helpless or in need Like I was... THey didnt have any needs; so it would hurt them to destory someone less fortunate who did not have the deck of cards stacked in their favor...
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SO; Ive been sent back before all this. Ive been sent back to a place right before it. This is all very interesting; and the universe can do this and is on my side... Im still in great pain and Im stripped of that feeling of being loved... I have GOd and feel very alone... So...
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Ill work with God on this.
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I have to make sure that this time; When I want GOd to send someone to me I specify they need to be a nice person... And have God in them... and what ever else to qualify. Ill work with God on it because I get to do this again.
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One reason i get to do this again is because Ive been a good boy and went back to God and God has been instructing me on how to handle the past girl; my first love; and I think Ive passed the test for that kind of; at least a bit.. Ill work with God on the rest..
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