July 2025
June 2025
I am reliving again from age 12; Where I was cut off at age 9 when young; where I was destroyed from evil.. God has taken me from very very young before this; and rebuilt me again as a new person. And I wake up again at age 9,10,11…. I began to remember and wake up but I remember what happened to me; Im waking up from the grave; but Im in a new life as I wake up; I wake up with the memory of the past life; but Im in a new life; I remember what happened to me with no way out; But now; Go has me reliving these events; but this time I can escape because; altho Im at the same emotional age when bad things happened; Im not there anymore; Im in new world; And here I am now. And God has taught me escape routs from that time period and I use them and move forward. However; in reality I need support and I pray for it.
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Im like or at the level of the 12 year old who has somehow; with Gods help; escaped; Or Im safe but alone in a new world. I remember the old world; but Im not there anymore; Im here. So; God is recreating whole new scenarios for me to practice new ways of life taking the place of those old ones.
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I Cannot describe or explain; Im 12 and Im independent.. Now what? And Im living this dream; its not necessarily A light dream; its more like Night time; its more like Halloween.
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The point is; Im real but Im free… I get to do this life again; the basics again; again; to meet relationships; New friends under God; New women under God; meaning; a girlfriend. And new occupation or interests under God; Like drumming; but this time I start from scratch; No Grandma or grandmas money or basement to play drums in.
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Its similar if not authentic to when I was actually young at 12 years old after being thrown away. I feel alone as I did then; but Im free to work with God for solutions and non of those bad people are around anymore. However; today I have to learn how to have dreams n goals and get alone with people and learn how successful people work through a thing to accomplish a goal they cannot see or touch yet or afford.
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So; When I was young; an older child; I was basically without parents and on my own; I was alone. I was living with strangers who did not care about what happened to me; It was like a bad movie I could not get out of. I was out of luck. I was thrown away permanently.
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So; I wake up now within God; From Gods worlds… And Im here again to do this again. Being so very young in spirit and maturity; I am on my own; for my survival; the best thing for me is; friends; girlfriends, meaning romantic love; and the development of things I like to do… like drumming.
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When I was 12; it would mean starting in the work world somehow.
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So; here I am heading out into the world at 12 years old. Ill need stability; They will come from the outside world. I cannot get them from any inner world; such as family because no such place existed. No family exists for me right now; However; 12 step groups and sponsors do the job and God; for now!
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So; God is helping me write a better story of survival at that age… Im writing a similar story right now for my life that parallels that time period; and Im developing much of what I would have developed at that age; Drumming; and girlfriends.
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Its more then this; its new; I am reborn and new; This age has to be reworked. Or worked for the first time. Its not the first time; Its the first time its freedom; Im free this time; freedom; but freedom is not free. I still must answer the call for survival. And I can and I will and I am… Grandma is no longer around to foot the bill; But God is. And that is the transformation.
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This survival answered; Is the beginning of my new life; Im going out and getting the answers; Im going into the city and talking to people and trying new things.
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I would have to go out and find another family or create another family…..
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Now that the idea of learning how to drum is becoming more solid and believable in my present life;
So; Now; I end up drumming again.
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And looking for a girlfriend; Under Gods care and soverign state and the laws of the universe;
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This time; a more simpler basic girlfriend; not someone of social importance to the world; but someone real. This can happen when I let go of the Pretty corruption in the world; for it may look like smooth porcelain but it is vastly evil; it is not what Im looking for even tho it is attractive. This form of popular attraction is no longer attractive; it is not what Im looking for.
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Girlfriends
I have to stay in union with God and to be directed by God; At the end of this pathway; is my girlfriend and that requires a journey. And that requires and introduction.
The problem is the quantum leap; to get me back to the authentic 12 year old freed; that I start over again in independence. And signs of this freedom are happening in very subtle ways; This is happening; Im a new person; I have awakened; come from the grave and the cave; Im becoming alive again and freed.
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Altho Ive been transferred into a new life; Im looking for the same thing I was looking for when I was actually 12.
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So; Now; Im very close to starting this quest for starting over in the idea imagined of girlfriend… Not because Im in control of such things; God is in control of things; I turn to God for Gods power.
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The preliminary work for this; IS TO BELIEVE> Thus; Abundance; That within the world; the world is filled with girlfriends for me; I have to do that work.. I have to believe; believe there are thousand or millions of girlfriends for me.
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Note; is it the right girlfriend for me; Or; do I trust and work with God to go after the women God is sending me to… IF so; If I go toward the women God is sending; I have to be strong enough man to handle it; I have to be a man. So; God has work for me to do; thus, to mature… and develop strongly; and I will… I am! Im ready for the journey of being strengthened. I Hope; God help me!!
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. First; I would have to have changed into the alignment of God; from God… and this created a divine unveiling.
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Im an authentic version of a later child age now; looking to create the idea of; authentic girlfriend-soulmate or something similar. First I must become that frequency that accepts such things because Im at that level of such things...And that is what is happening; the evolve-ment. Im not at that level yet; but Im accepting that work must be done to move from innocent child level observer to a more seasoned person who can handle what God is throwing at me.
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NOTE: I do not feel good enough for anything or anyone. I don’t want to get hurt. So; God has a tremendous amount of work to do on me building me up for hardship or disappointment when dealing in relationships that turn out to be false relationships.
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I need to go back into my childhood and look at what I was seeing in my head about my future; what did the future look like to me; The kind of women I would want to meet or be around; what did I dream about; what were they like. That child needs to come out and be present again. Unfortunately; it is the child time period of being broken and thrown away; And Im sure those monsters that did this; they knew what they were doing; the timing of my life being destroyed so I would not be able to function anymore…
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Note; I don’t have any of the stability or family systems when young. Everything of the past is but a memory; Nothing exists accept the home town I live in. And that is great tho to have that home town.
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I have to become strong enough and mature enough to Walk; to practice walking down this new pathway to practice. Im not trying to gain anything yet; and I need support and an understanding of that support; the abundance of support. Im now doing so… it is very hard; Im alone. I become more independent. And Im at that place now.
I prepare under God for this journey with no idea what to expect down this pathway; for I am blind; I have no experience; on the expectation; On this expedition; of my imaginary ideas.
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I have only these ideas; ideas in my imagination; but have no idea what is out in this journey; in reality… I now work with God to head out into this reality to find the correct realities under God….
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And I am their now. I am at that place to start my training for my new adventure and goal. For I have been tested lately; and I have walked through those tests to the beginning of the real journey… I am at the eye of this storm… I am at the eyes of this storm. Im practicing right now; First practicing and then taken out into the real world to just kind of walk around in it.
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I am watching and ready-ing. I am not looking for divine union; Not Yet; I am not preparing for this divine union; I am simply ready-ing myself for this adventure. I am in wait. Im working with God on development and possibilities. That is where Im at now. Ive been hired for the job; But Im in the introduction stage.
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The universe has been sending signs for the beginning of the next doorway down the next level for this journey… or down another pathway of the same frequency. Meaning; Well; A new class from the same grade at the same school.
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Imagine a 7th grader on his own; where I have to learn to grow up and handle the the treacheries of life at that age alone. I have to learn how to be independent and strong.. On my own. Im in junior high; Ill have several classes to deal with… and bullies and other things and Im all alone.
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And God will now strengthen me. And I am now waiting on God for I to be ready and built for the beginning of that pathway; to be on that pathway.
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Im not in fantasy anymore; I am new… but in the dark of alone-ness. I have walked from the dark grave. I have awakened and thus I began to search for what I was searching for originally in the other life; but I died in that life; and thus God has awakened me; and I find myself suddenly back at that moment before I died; instead of being be headed; suddenly in this new experience of that old time; I escaped; for at that moment of death God shown a pathway of light; a fleeting moment of change; I ran for it and took it. I jumped through the darkness away from the present danger; I tumbled and rolled and rolled; I found myself in a new Kingdom I had not seen before. And in this place I will start again… But the same requirements are required.
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My manhood is born; the acceptance that I must go out at that age and find my security and freedom and survival. I must find it for myself.
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Under Gods care; The Activity part of things is happening. It is born…
Now; the relationship aspect of things; it is not born yet. But is trying to be born.
I have gone through a baptism of fire. For I have been tested by the most deceptive of natures; it appears I have past these several tests. And I move on…..
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I move on through the lies…. Onto something new…..
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Now; its very important to work with God. And not be God; but instead to be on my knees to God under Gods care. For; this is a time of development and survival and it has a certain feeling to it; a deception if Im not careful. For I want to spring forth as running dinosaur and hunt and look around in freedom as if Im in control within this new land. I must remember; these are urges of the childlike nature within me and this has no place in the Man Development of my nature. It is favorable to keep my development under raps for this one; keep it safe for another time; for a protected place… For Im going out into the bi ways of the jungle and need to keep my wits about me and my strength.
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I am under God provision and I must not forget. For it appears I am a free runner. But Im not. It only appears such. The reality is; Im under a strict lesson from God; and like any military venture; all personnel have a job to do. They must be of a dedicated fit disciplined mind.
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What I must remember; Im under a great testing of development and Im going out in the real world to be tested; For I am this new 12 year old who is relearning his life and reliving it again; this time under God where I wont be stopped. This time I am with God; A God that loves me and wants the best for me.
Unfortunately; the real me; The actual person with his memories and life at that age must come forth and the original me with all my dreams; and that is not easy. This idea of being crushed and destroyed when young; this was not suppose to happen.
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I have been out in the real world and experienced it as this new 12 year old; meaning; Ive been on some of Gods tests out in the real world. Its been quite interesting. something has been engaging, fascinating, or captivating; ( I got this last line from the internet).
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Im starting to remember some of my original dreams when a very small child.. Im remembering who I am and what I dreamed about before I was destroyed.
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My experiments; out in the world;
I have found things have been flipped on their heads; suddenly Im the one trained to be polite and nice; Im the one saying hello to those out in the real world; Im showing the greater sense of executive thinking. Im finding a world of beat down people. People who are angry and not nice; a face of despair and coldness at times; But not to worry; its not about me; Its about a world that pays only half rent for a full days job. Im seeing the sickness and frustration of those chasing cast iron concepts of greed hoping maybe for a little relief.. Cutting corners as a life style. Good people being ruined on a daily basis….
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Im finding many who do not have enough money or social status at the end of the day to make this life experience work.
Im finding Im not in that perspective; Im on a journey with God. Im OK. Im trained to be OK. Ive been trained to handle the spiritual aspects of survival within the outside world; This has been a privilege given to me by God for being within Gods Sovereign State. This is something many others simply do not have. It has been governed over me because and after numerous years of work; I become trained in this; its second nature now; its about my survival; A new design on living.
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I can walk into a park or a job or a bike shop or fast food place as an old man looking like a bum to someone young; disheveled, unkempt; hair torn asunder.
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Drumming; some History; Before the dark ages came;
So; To paraphrase my position. When I was younger; philosophically speaking and somewhat realistically if one can accept it or look for its points of reverence; I played Drums in Grama’s basement. And at some point; Grandma Bought me a set of newer nicer drums. And I played them. However; at some point; Gramma died; and I the house was sold; and I was out on the street with nothing.
I gave up on life For no one loved me. No one really ever loved me or cared to.. I would not find this out until it was 2 late.. . Grandma never really loved me; she was a monster like her husband a child molester.. and much worse; but Grandma tried to act like everything was OK; and I was extremely spoiled at that time by her and later when I lived in her basement because I was so mentally destroyed; I could not function…
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Back to The story;
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So; I fell away from society never to return. However; One day a Century later; I decided to return ( After knowing God).
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I had been at the bottom of the well; and I finally stopped digging after digging a hole 3000 feet down. I meandered around at the bottom of the well for a long while; reminiscing of the past; rumination! After working through rumination and doing massive long term resentment work under Gods care; I naturally just started to dig n head upward. In some cases one could say Im half way up. In other cases; one could say Ive made it out of the well and am showing signs now of regrowth and rebirth back into society; or at-least practicing now for such things. I do not care to go back into the well ever again. Nor do I want to go backwards; no thanks. However; I do go to the cemetery at night and like to drive around on my mountain bike in the dark with no lights… And if you pick a good night; One will meet and see many teenage young Goth ghouls hanging around the crave stones fluttering about… and trying to fly like bats… Being a bit out of their age group by about 50 years; I just notice them and smile and make sure I don’t run them over when they run across the little pathways at the grave yard at night… Its all quit interesting isnt it.
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And in the recovery process one day; after much meditation and prayer; Im talking to my inner being about who I was; I decided I wanted to play drums again. I studied how to have success; ( Think and grow Rich; Napoleon Hill); And the laws of attraction Coaches and God and recovery groups to help.
One day with a sponsors help; and the 12 steps of recovery; I headed toward into the unknown; I had a plan… But most of the plan was to just go out into life and experiment for awhile until I could find myself again. And Ive been doing that. Altho Im just at the beginning of this.
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Drumming;
What Im finding. Working with God; Im just about willing to do anything to drum; Nothing will stop me. Ill use me feet my knees n legs and my hands. Ill make sounds with any object. Ill go to the parks to practice drums; Churches to practice drums, if they let me, closets to practice; and garages if I can find them and work toward them and for them; and work under my Gods sovereign state; Then so be it… No problems; Ill do what I have to and what im told and directed by God. And I do these things to start with… All I need is a tree to slap my hands on to play drums; I can show God Im willing to do this if that need be to get the universes attention to help me please! But Im doing I because I love my drums;’ I miss them.
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Im no longer living under Grandmas house or in playing drums in her basement; both the drums and the house are gone. I do not have the advantage of either. SO what is the solution. I didn’t realize; without Grandma and Grandmas money and her basement; NO DRUMMING!
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Well; First; is a good recovery group and the 12 steps and God… And success based thinking process and the religious practice of such things. I knew of a man that that carried; The book; ( Think And grow rich) His Bible; He carried around with him everywhere he went. And I would say; that was a man who was willing; he was willing to change continuously because the universe demanded it of him for success.
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So; at some point; its pointed out to me; I need and want a goal. What are they; and I was asked this by my sponsor. Well; I said many thing; one of those things; Drumming. I have several starts that went nowhere… It was a time of hardship concerning drumming; Looking back; they were dry runs or false starts or; I was just getting used to having to work at something again; and I may not have liked the work. Numerous years later and several false starts; Drumming is still a goal on my mind; but Ive had to become a different person first; someone stronger in success thinking; Someone more mature or experienced in my own reality; Its strengths and limitations and more faith working with God; more believing Ill get what I want and Ill get it if I work for it; it will materialize under Gods sovereign state.
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I use AA prayers; about 11 of them; I use them… massive meditation work… Lots of writing about stories of my new life as if I already have it; and visualization in first person point of view; and when it comes to drumming; visualization can suck big time because I remember when I had those drums in the basement and now all I have is visualization practice of playing drums. SO; it can suck for awhile. I have to wait and dream big… And learn how to go after something from nothing but a concept or an idea. And I am. Its not for the faint of heart… its something else!!!!!
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Back to the story;
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Finally with enough spiritual work and writing; I work with God and my inner being and the universe; Where do I start. And I become more willing; Dear God; Please; I beg of you; please God; Ill do anything; Anything you ask; Ill wash the clouds you place your thrown on. Ill help your people; Ill be nice to them. Ill give them rides if I have a car.. Ill help everyone; Ill be nice to everyone I meet; Ill do anything you say God; Please God; Please bring my drumming back to me; Amen!
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I beg; I plead; I desperately make promises of any kind; Ill get completely inline with God and what ever God says to do; but please God; please bring my drumming back to me. Ill do any exercises spiritually; any kind of spiritual work you want. Ill rake every old ladies leaves in front of her house; Ill pull all her weeds; Ill take her to the stores to get their groceries; Ill do what ever you say. Ill get a hair cut; Ill put on a suit and tie. Ill be swavaiii…. Ill get a sale job. What ever you want God; Ill do what ever you want; Ill be nice to your people God; Just; please God; please bring my drumming back to me. Amen. OK God; what is the next step; where do I start!
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Its this kind of pleading; Being willing to do anything just to have effort for drumming; to put it first; to fight for it; and so it begins; Drums more n more are birthed; the idea in my imagination is birthed from my imagination into reality; and all the work I have done; slowly I began to get new thoughts about drumming; What does it take to drum if I really want to drum; do I have to have a drum set. NO! I can start with sticks and a drum pad and go play them in the park or play sticks on a tree. I don’t even need a drum pad all the time. I can use my hands against my knees and my feet while listening to music or even studying drumming patterns with hands n feet. I do all of this because I love drumming; Im learning to stand up for what makes me feel good on a daily basis. Im learning to stand up for and fight for what I love to do; Drum. I understand I have to fight for what I want; not just be status Que.
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And things start to change; I imagine Im playing a drum set in my head; But alas; how can this be or become in the real world. So; I begin to work on prayers dealing with doubt; learning how to sit quietly when in doubt and pray only for a direction and strength to meet my problems as God would have me; never am I to pray for myself; except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive; but that would be in great measure. And this is from AA prayers 12 step group.
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And from that and meditation and working with a sponsor everything; My attitude is; “ I GET TO” strive to be part of these things; these process to that I will do anything; what ever it takes to be a drummer. And I begin to go to the park with my pad 1 hour a day and practice. Im doing this because I want to drum during the day; that is the goal; I love drumming; I want to drum all day long!
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And surprisingly; in my apartment in a specific area; I can play very very low volume padded out practice drum; its hardly audible; I have to use drum brushes. Its great it works; its not full technique; but its a start and part of the drummie cookie doe ingredients.
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So; suddenly after visualizing playing a drum set; God wants me to get pictures of drum rooms; thousands of them with drum sets in them and videos of guys n girls in you-tube channels playing drums. Thousands and Ill work from those pictures of what I want; and want to end up as or with or how I see myself.
Does it happen over night; No; Because I first must believe and that takes major work to hone through; Also; No doubts; I have to believe Neville Goddard’s ideas of the Wish fulfilled; living in the end of this meanings; Live and visualize and feel and believe as if Ive already got it; I must do this work everyday until I believe Im there more then Im here… Soon it forces the universe to mesh both realities; Suddenly after much of this; Suddenly when I pray about drumming; new opportunities show up; and Im even more willing… I love drumming and I want to practice all day long; practice drumming.
As of right now; Ive got several places to practice some simple forms of drumming for enough time periods to make it count.
How much time do I need to practice basics; well; an hour would be nice. Ive got several places I can do this. Im not using a full sounding drum set; Im using make shift sounding pads of some homemade sort for now. However; whats building is my willingness to be a drummer.
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If I work for it; it will always materialize if its under the sovereign state of my higher power.
I told many at a meeting yesterday; I want to be; my goal is to be the best drummer in the area I live. That is my goal…
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Now; Ill keep working at it..
And keep up the work; all of it. Drawing obstacles courses and seeing myself work through them to get to my goals; seeing myself build bridges over water ways that represent the obstacles that are stopping me from my goals. Keep praying about it; and asking God for opportunities. And so it continues.
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What Im looking for; to be fully immersed in drumming and doing what ever it takes to play drums on a daily basis… And pray about that and go with that…
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So; back to the general concept of Goals…
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The idea here is; Ive picked a few goals to birth into reality under Gods care. Ive picked 2 for the present; Drumming and having a romantic relationship; a Girlfriend.
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The First goal has past into reality; Drumming.
The second goal has not; not yet… It will when I work on it; on the work to get it from my imagination into reality.
However, many preliminaries have been met; Im flirting and talking with women again… And opening up; Im much more social. So; I am meeting some general skills re established to have a girlfriend.
The next stage is simply busting through this wall of disbelief; that nobody likes me or ever understand me and that I will never meet the right people.
Also; Ill have to be way less bashful and talk to them and ask them for what I want.. And that is kind of got a first place start.
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Women;
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NOTE; Their were a whole bunch of women that were attracted to me when I was young; But I never went out with them? Why? I ended up going out with psychopaths and other monsters. And I even got caught off guard it was so bad. Maybe I should look at all those beautiful women that liked me; I mean; I just didn’t. I never gave them a chance; Now Im thinking; Why not? Maybe I was afraid I felt like an impostor; once they found out I had no inner strength; I was a destroyed person; they would laugh at me and just leave; they wouldn't want to help me; I never thought any of them cared about me; they were just looking for shallow appearances; but maybe I was wrong? I don’t know.. Im really going to have to stay away and work on this stuff and stay alert. I was to destroyed… I ended up with the same kind of monsters that abused me.
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I really need to look at this.
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Last notes Ill write about… for this blog…
Ive been here before long ago in my 20’s. Something just another day. I did not go out with the right people. I went out with Pretty people; not smart people..
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Maybe today; Ill be smart and go find an intellectual chick; really smart, intelligent and go with that; the conversations are so much better…
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Ill trust and work with God.
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Im so innocent decent and sensitive… Its like; Im 2 sensitive for this society of people; Its seems like they are nameless thoughtless and without any opinion of anything… completely corrupted people.
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I dropped out of dating by the time I was 15 years old; Id seen enough. I basically never wanted anything to do with this society ever again.
And I didn’t for most of my life.
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I am seeing something open up; God is telling me 3 things.
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1. Find a girl that likes me First
2. Find an intellectual girl; PHD In physics and Outer Space… Astronomy.
3. Remember; Omnicell; Says God; “ You don’t have any money”; Even if they cheated on you because you were wrong about them; What did you loose. Nothing! You simply got the experience. You want loose anything. God told me that and I can surely feel it.
Im starting out at the bottom of the fishbowl. How can I loose if the only way is up. So what if I start goinig out again with a bunch a poison Devil Bunchberry girls…
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I have to learn abundance right now; under God; that is the next step…
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ABUNDANCE; This means; meeting all kinds of women; trying out all kinds of women. It means I have to get my emotions in check. I can get hurt.
Either I learn to deal with it; or I don’t go out with anyone…
I have to learn; I can drop someone if they are bad choice… They are the wrong person… Ive got to learn that.
I was picking women when young because I thought they were all nice people; They are all monsters; All of them. Unbelievable. Seriously unbelievable; I would never allow children to get near any of the type of people I saw; and many of these were popular people or appeared to be OK. They were not… unbelievable.
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Jesus told me; Omnicell; STOP GOING OUT WITH WOMEN LIKE THIS AND THE PROBLEM WILL STOP. STOP CHOOSING THESE PEOPLE TO DATE AND THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED.
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And its true; God is correct. But then comes the next problem; Picking the right people. I was so destroyed; I had no idea what to do.
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Well; It looks like Im starting to come back on line again in all fronts right now. This time; on my own; no past family systems; Nothing. SO. Here I am… Im working with God…
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As I get stronger and better; at some point. Ill take those chances.
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I have so much to learn from God.
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One area that is popping up; Find and introverted girl who is introverted and doesn’t date people; and go out with her… I mean; Thats what I am. Ill pray about it.
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OK God. Im so scared.
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And the other problem is my First love. That was a complete waist of time for I was just being played by some sociopathic stranger.
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I have to protect myself but not drop out anymore of relationships. I have no money; As God has said and I agree; nothing can be taken from me…
I can be lead on and dumped; But I should hopefully see the signs.
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Because I had no mother and father I have to work with God to come up with new scenarios where I learn how to survive like a seasoned soldier out there concerning relationships that go bad.
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Drumming is going well; this means its in my life in the present and the goal is; to play during the day everyday.. its about playing drums right now; Period. Anyway I can. Amen.
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Art work; Not a problem. I believe I can create with Art all day and night long for ever; every day for the rest of my life any time I want; no problems. And it feels that way. Its still hard to participate completely at like a full comfortable level; Dissociation and fear causes problems but Art in General is back; So is Art education… Altho I haven't been watching to much Art History lately… Well. Well see.
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Biking is picking up; Im a mountain biker and finally made a decision under God to get one of my bikes fixed to I can make a decision on it. I couldn’t for about 6 years.
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