July 2025
June 2025
I've noticed one issue; I have hidden mass resentments about what happened to me when young; it was so traumatic I could not process it or deal with it; it happened; I shut down stopped talking; went to a deeper set of values and beliefs beyond general society. And it is that massive trauma shock I'm trying to work through and go beyond.
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First; I have to work with God. I am not connected to anything in the real world. Everything turned into derealization from that point on when young. I did not believe in society or anything to do with society or culture or neighborhoods; Nothing.
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I go to 12 step groups for human support; not much more. I don't want anything from those people; I keep secret about the deeper respects and aspects of my recovery. I work a program to understand how I can work a working program for my home life.
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I've got some very good tools... I apply them; will continue to do so.
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I am powerless over my life and its made my life unmanageable. The key is to set goals and get on my knees and pray for what I want to God Universe; Thanking God and asking God for help and forgiveness and that I love God/Universe and Its God will for me not mine. And I will say these things about 20 times each; each time I'm on the floor; and many times Im on the floor every 5 minutes; I can chalk up 50-100 times a day at times when things are intense. However, I would say about 20 times a day or 10 times a day... Something?
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SO; I have some tools I use. The problem is un reality.
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I was pulled out of my home very young; 9 year old and before this or during this; I saw the deterioration of my home and all I thought was sacred and safe... all was lost and destroyed on purpose... I was thrown away. I would have been thrown away at birth; but my father kept me around for a while.
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Altho it scares me to say this; to write it; about when I was 9; I never saw it coming... everything was gone. Like being in a war.
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Here I am know with the same anger.
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The anger stops me; because; no matter what direction I go in; I cant go home; even if I get better; I still cant go home; and that's what they were trying to do; destroy human beings; torture them...
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However, With my relationship with God; I may not need to go home to survive and get a life and Im getting closer; but something is missing. I'm still disconnected. I'm working on it; trying. Working with God.
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First; the girl up the street; she is a victim; I victimized her by turning on her with anger. By turning on her. I remember. She was just a stranger who lived up the street.
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My goal is; to listen to God and accomplish my goals.
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I get very confused. So; I have to pray about it and make a decision about it; what's the next move. One of those moves is; I'm tarnished or diseased mentally in the area of taking a chance starting something feeling safe and finishing it...
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I have a lot of animosity being a musician or what ever you call it. I'm not a real one; never studied. I had nothing else to take an interest in. I was all ready ruined. So; I had nothing and nothing else to do.
Now; I guess I like it; but its so hard to finish anything because its beneath me. I was never going to be a musician; I was going to be a Doctor or Astronaut; So; I've been completely insulted.
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However, that's not entirely true. The truth is; by actually accomplishing something in the Arts; The Doctor part of me is actually come through; coming out; Starting to work forward. And I know it. And that's when the past creeps in; I'm back as a child again in my home ready to move forward and express myself; suddenly I dissociate; I began to disappear. In the present I mean; and I get resentful because I'm taken back to those times and cant follow through because all my feelings well up as if I'm there and I'm not there.
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And even talking about it; the rupturing is starting to show up from beneath me; the real ruptured hidden me is showing up. And there's not place for him; his home is gone. If he becomes present again; I realizes and repeats the torture of looking around and has no home. And is broken again. However; I'm getting stronger; and altho God my not being my original home back to me; He may in his own way; I believe I can become me again. And that's what this is all about; becoming an independent me again.
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The problem is; I shut down; I dissociate; its all to much for me. Way over my head when I attempt to open the original me up again and try to do something; finish a task or goal. However, I have been changing.
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As I write; I write with anguish and discernment. However, I'm getting stronger.
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One of the goals is to write songs and perform them. This is what God wants me to prove to myself; that I can do this; that I can make it back. For some reason; healthy intelligent reasoning of wisdom; God sees this as a " Walking across the line" Point of reference; meaning; A gap resides where I'm at now and where psychologically and emotionally and spiritually I want to be. Thus; writing a song cycle of songs will build that bridge I need to get across to the other side; if I write them practice them memorize them and perform them; its a kinds of personal success and a sign of individuality and maturity of some space hood.
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So; I get it. I'm fighting it because I don't wanna. I do but I don't have the character for the boring work involved; its boring because I'm spoiled and don't have to work at things to get pleasure; in this case; the pleasure of finishing these songs creates tremendous work to do so.
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I have no work ethic; I get my kicks and thrills from those things that give me easy instant pleasure; for pleasure is more important to me then working at something.
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The problem is; The things I want right now require a work ethic; they require work; boring work. Mature countenance; something I don't got!
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So; with an idea or goal comes work. I first start out talking to God then taking it to my 12 step groups and telling others of my outer plans; I don't tell them the details or the inner story; that's between me and God but they know what I'm up to... I have goals. They know its important to me and my recovery.
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The next thing. I'm working a 4th step on all of this stuff... and then a 5 step... on all the resentment and anger associated with it. The hellish superiority I feel toward all of this less then stuff; less valuable then me. I'm scared and don't want to admit it; work ethic terror and horror; I have no maturity with a work ethic; I quit with in minutes.
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So; a lot of things are learned here; not just how to write a song or finish one. Im learning how to work with God and group. I'm learning how to manage or handle a work ethic that fits my immaturity; meaning; 5 minutes at a time; stop; get on my knees and start over again for another 5 minutes the next time. And I mean it. I can work for 5 minutes and not fail. I can do something for 3 minutes; for 5 minutes. Ill build a song like that. Its like being handclapped. Being disabled in the maturity level.
I'm to scared to work; to be exposed; The PTSD....
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So; I was at a meeting tonight. I learned allot and learned more. No way I can learn anything being alone. As I slowly come to; I've got to be around people to listen to. The universe brings me messages through other people; hope and dreams and a message I cant block; good messages. One also has to watch it; protect myself from those that manipulate the truth and want to slam it back in my face using words to put me down.
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Guitar.
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So; Im now asking God to help me develop my guitar skills so I can perform.
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Im asking for lots of help concerning the next level of life; as the interned performer... to be entrenched and encamped performing around others... musically artistically. Must become developed.
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Asking God to help me concerning synthesis. Fooling around with sounds, sound.
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Problem from the past; I get hyped up about wanting to perform; end up buying new stuff; Wont help.
Buying new guitars because I'm all hyped up about learning how to practice guitar will not help; and I have to learn this; get on my knees and pray to God for help on this to stay in Gods will not mine.
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So; I make lists of what I want; and start writing about how it feels to be participating in them; over n over. How I love sweeping and cleaning. I love the feeling of sweeping and cleaning and scrubbing; of course I'm hooked into all kinds of recovery meetings so I'm never alone; I share at those places and know people. I would never attempt recovery alone; that is ridiculous; no such thing... The lone wolf syndrome is a sign of complete insanity.
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I'm also praying for other things; but God is showing me; instead of buying something new; find out first; my God; I've got Billions of vids on YouTube about all this stuff; read up on stuff first; be informed about what I actually want and vid the whole thing; meaning; look it up and see what it is Im looking at; look at how others have done such things and of course pray non stopping about all of it on my knees all the time; every 5 minutes; until the magic starts from God.
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For example; I remember using a synthesizer where I could tweak the nobs; run samples; run a mic through the effects; and rout the affects any direction I wanted; I came up with all kinds of cool sound; and it was right in front of my face... I loved it. How do I duplicate that.
Well; I got to find out before I buy something; I really want to know what it was I liked about all that. I loved the exploration of sounds when electricity interacts with things through frequencies... How its manipulated and crashes with each other; I want a free place to bend and ignite this electricity into new sounds; Safe places; through synth software or hardware n such. Maybe going out and recording stuff in the real world; making samples for the keyboard. Ill have to pray about all of this; its stretching me just talking about it.
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