July 2025
June 2025
Many sad things to work through; but many good things are drowning them out; because God is answering them and bringing me the things I ask for. The small inner child in me is clapping his hands because God keeps following through.
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At some point Ill began to feel as if I'm back. And its not that far away; but I get what I earn; earn means keeping up with the recovery meetings and reading; and prayer on my knees every 5 minutes if I have to to beat these negative triggered thoughts.
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Thanks you God
help me God
forgive me God
I love you God
Gods will; not my will.
Pray these things on my knees face planted in the ground oblivion times; As many times as possible; at least 20 times for each thing each time and I usually say out loud what I'm on my knees for. I want more money to show up around me or relationships or better guitar player; I'm a beginner guitar player.
Make me a song writer God... over n over
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Lots of things.
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I'm building a foundation through God.
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Ill just ramble on.
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So; I'm believing God can bring back everything and much more; its all in meditation and prayer and writing new narratives and scripts about the new things I have and want as if they are all ready here.
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The key is to get on my knees; and I just did because I was getting frustrating scary thoughts; thoughts of; I'm not good to anyone; what's the use. Lots of those kinds of negative thoughts I'm battling through on my knees learning that God is my friend not my enemy; and that's all this has ever been about.
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I have to work with God and allow God to prove himself to me. Its hard; very hard to give a God another chance... it sucks but I have to.
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I was thinking about my brother and I laughed and was glad he is dead; he was mean to me; ignoring me and I'm glad he died; Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha... pain to him........
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And so; as I had that sinister grin on my face while I hated him.. I talked to God and got on my knees and prayed for him and for myself and for God to forgive me.
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I have allot of pain that is repressed and Ill ask God to help me let it out and I asked God to forgive me over n over on how I acted toward my brother after he died.
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I love my brother but I was mad... I still am so God has to show me a way to stop being sinister evil.
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So; I'm lashing out with deep hidden passive aggression... Ill ask God to help me get the hardness out.
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I pray for the things I want and wait until I've prayed enough that new thoughts come into me and ideas; God will help me become present and I read books like " Think And Grow Rich; Napolean Hill. Read them over n over; that is the idea...
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And I'm going to get that book out again and start reading it right now. I wanted to read it numerous times; I've read it a certain amount of times and want to read it more.
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The idea is a foundation with a trust in God and when I was little I had that trust; but then I was turned on by life and lost all of it.
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Now; I'm turning toward God again.
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I'm working with God and will continue to until I believe and then I will continue as well.
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Its all about believing the universe and keep at things. Don't quit.
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On my knees again about things so God can take over what ever is suppose to happen. Keep opening it up with God and the magic of God. Gods magic...
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Many things were taken from me when young; and I have memories and I would like my memories to be returned to me and ME as-well; The ability to move forward in the right areas of life that represents my life my expression.
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My expression;
music
art
writing creatively...
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We will see.
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SO; I have allot of plans and one of those is to live a decent life... meaning one with high value... And I'm getting there; and I'm doing it without anyone from the past.
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Certain areas give me hatred and grief; Music composition is one of them; art and writing stories... On my knees again please.
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I believe I feel this way because I'm not doing these things because I like to do them; like I should; I feel like I HAVE to do these things to please some form of some audience that thinks I should be doing these things... Its about being maneuvered or pressured or manipulated or bullied or dominated.
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I would like money; and I would like to feel safe and intellectual and hang out with people who are.
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Its back to middle class basics as before when I was very very young; I'm getting them back as the pain and hatred poison leaves I get back my original self...
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So I have to give it to God and see the positive of it; of the outcome and pray about it; not the negative; and that's what I'm working on; that confident feeling of hope for everything because its in me...
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So; I'm starting to get the answers.
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I'm in pain; but I'm starting to remember; remember from before. And I'm fighting with Gods help to get the decent real me sane me back; the middle class nice conservative kid with a future... And Its working.
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So much pain remembering the people that did things to me; Ill pray for who ever God says to pray for...
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So; the deeper soul is starting to come out and remember... and its free. I mean; I can be that person again...
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I can; I just have to keep at this and allow the universe to slowly open the real me back up again past the horrible memories... Such horror that I separated from myself.
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So; a new hope is on its away and a new horizon. I don't know what it means yet. Gods got to allow those thoughts to run through me.
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My apartment is clean; and getting cleaner and more conservative and austere sorta. I asked God for a maid to clean my place up and it looks like I'm turning into one... Hope I don't have to wear a dress; its not my style. Still; Things are getting clean...
Our partner
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