July 2025
June 2025
FIGHT
Ive been a ghost; displaced from my original home. God is trying to bring me back to being present again while I walk that neighborhood again. Altho there is fear when walking by some houses; humiliation; there is also sadness when I walk by other houses and longing for my original life back and what I loved most; for a few very young chosen years; My way of life and neighborhood when a child. I think God is making it clear I can get those things back in my life. I have to work with God to stand up for those things.. in that neighborhood; Learn to be myself again; my real middle class self again. Be me again and go from there; but that will take much work for the internal me to believe this. To believe its safe to come back being me again and how that can happen.
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They didn’t win; those that murder’d me; but its close if I don’t come back to at least being able to walk my neighborhood and feel safe and powerful and Okay. To be me and to be present; thats the goal.
This is a difficult fight; many fronts to fight on and win… I have many ghosts not yet fought over.. many battles to go…
MY IDENTITY
Im pushing for my identity right now; I remember when young; spending time with kids all over the neighborhood; they were middle class kids and I was having success; However, I always went to them; they never came to me; that is because they had strong families and I thought it normal for me to go to them and others for what I wanted. In the end; very few people liked me accepted me or really knew me or cared; They had strong middle class families; I had my dreams and ideas; I had no real family system; nothing. And in the end I will be turned down; turned away; turned on completely and this will turn me anti social; I never wanted anything to do with middle class fake people ever again. It was pure prejudiced. I had no idea I was being set up for that. No clue; nor that I would be the scape goat; had absolutely no idea. So; what do I do; who do I trust; who do I attract; if on the inside Im worth a certain amount that no one else cares about when they meet me. Its like Im ugly to people. They have no respect for me; no value to the inside of me; the inside person; has no value to anyone; thats because I was around the wrong people.
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So; as I get stronger I want to be around people that treat me as an equal… How do I do that accept to become within myself; equal. How do I do this again; Thats what Im relying on God for. To bring about the right situations for me to be connected to the right people. Laziness will not work. What happened when young; I had a free pass to numerous people and there houses; Not anymore. As an adult; I have to become what I want to attract. It takes allot of work to become something in the real world and my complaint is with the work.. I don’t want to work so much and become disciplined for what I want.
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The people in the 12 step groups are 12 step group people and they are not whom Im talking about. They are part of a big recovery family; What Im talking about is out in the community; who I relate with. Who wants to relate with me.
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Those who think they are superior to me; its a waist of my time knowing them; thats why Ive been so alone. Im never around anyone that takes me seriously; for what Im worth; ever… I don’t want that; I want to be treated with respect for who I am. I can work with the universe on this.
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I want to heal and become myself around people again; not a doormat or rug.. I want the strength to feel like Im my worthy self again. Where do I do this at. .. Ill work with the universe on this next level.
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New Feelings;
I got up again this morning; and felt like I did when I was a child ( this is a miraculous fantastic thing). I live close to where I lived as a child. At times when I feel like; I get on the bike and roam through the streets of my childhood; I ride around for awhile and re feel and remember… Its all good; I keeps me aligned to what Im doing here in this town right now; and that is recovering; getting my self back; my original self before they took me from it; from myself and my like and neighborhood. Those who did this were monsters; criminal murder’rs tortures… psychopaths…. I truly had no idea what any of that would mean being so young. I did realize as I became an older child; something was terribly wrong; childhood TV shows only went so far in sustaining my identity and purpose or hope for a future; soon I out grew it.. It worked up to 6-7 years old; but after that; about 6 years old; it started to not work; it wasn't enough of a segregate parent to help me anymore; I was not being taken care of.
I ended up at someone elses house more n more and was taken care of over there. But; I was never really wanted; but never knew until it was 2 late; they were resentful that they had ever met me. I went to there home to visit my friend. Later I found out he was never my friend; and they thought of me as white trash. I believe his mothers mother instinct is why I was allowed in to play with there son; I was 5 years old when I first visited them to play with there son.
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The goal is to “GET ME BACK”; to COME BACK; to be me again; regardless of being thrown away; For me to remember when I wasnt thrown away; and be that person again.
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I was thrown away just at the right time; the right moment for me to be destroyed; In a real sense; I was murdered; and it was planned and it was planned long before it happened. Im guessing it was thought out before I was born; this is another type of thrill for the psychopath… Its another form of murder; They have hundreds of scenarios running through there heads on how to destroy innocent people; thats all they do. At somepoint in my childhood I began to break down; to severe from reality in confusion and withdraw into my dreams; Ive mentioned all of this before; but its important to keep feeling right where Im at; to make a measurement of where Im at… And in later childhood; middle and older childhood; Ill be in my own altered state; a kind of day dreaming state; a dissociative state; What worked in the First grade to save me and keep me safe or whole; was not working once in the 4th grade; it was not enough anymore to visit the neighbors; This worked at 5-6 years old; did not work anymore by the time I was 9 years old. It was still working at 8 years old…Tv shows being my segregate mother; but that is the pivot age; In that time; Im still a child; but Im also moving into an older child; the problem was; there was nothing for me; as an older child accept completely being ignored or isolated; But I didn’t know that yet. I just kept on like before; but that wasnt working anymore. Friends I visited who had parents looking out for them; these kids were growing; they were growing the way I wanted to grow and I assumed I would grow. But it never happened for me; Instead I began to develop a kind of lost child day dreaming; I was much like a 5 year old at age 8-9. And I had a kind of DE-personalization to reality; I was a lost soul kind of; just kind of floating in that specific time period of 7-8-9; more n more; into watching TV shows as a mark of my cultural development; but nothing in the real world was a mark of my development; I had no parents present for me; no one. I mean; looking back; its scary; I had 2 brother; I never saw them… I had an older brother who had his own bedroom; I never saw him; hardly ever talked to him ever. I had to go into his bedroom to see him. It was like; well; ya know; It was my older brothers bed room and so he had a kind of authority; it was like I was visiting someone elses house when I knocked on his door or walked in to see what he was doing. Looking back now; I was completely isolated and purposely isolated from my brothers. The middle brother was abusive many times; throwing rocks and stuff at me. Not all the time; but I look back and I don’t like him; he seems like a stranger to me when I look back; I feel an unease; now; looking back. IT was like he came from some other family then the one I felt I came from…
This is possible because of the neighborhood I lived in and my age. My brothers started out in other neighborhoods then I.
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I felt I was loved; thats why I was brought this beautiful neighborhood; thats what I thought; I was wrong. However; who really loved me?; God!; God brought all of that to me. From the beginning I was out n about; I spent allot of time at school playing hand ball with the big rubber ball or tether ball or basket ball against the wall at my school. I would get up on Saturday mornings or Sunday mornings and ride to the grade school; it was empty; and I would play with the big rubber ball against the wall… it was part of my ritual.
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However, there was a problem from the beginning in First Grade; something was wrong; What was wrong? No parents; I didn’t know what it was called; what was wrong; but I was 2 independent; I was imagining my parents helping me and going on that. But they actually never did. And it caught up with me quickly; . I had lots of dreams; but as a child; it would all depend on safety love protection; having my basic needs met.
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It was like having to much radiation poisoning; It was 2 hard doing everything for myself when 5-6 years old. I wanted to become something when I grew up; My friends at school were the same; But they already started; I assumed I would start; but it never happened; I was like my friends; I wanted to connect; but could not; I was living on TV; on my own imagination and going to friends houses where they had parents. I seldom ever did any kind of home work; Looking back; It was all about getting love; and it was automatic as a child. Love came first; traumatically; automatically; Love came first; that's all I sought; even if I didn’t really know any of this at the time. And this continued and continued and continued and as I got older; I just made do. Most of my interests for development came from children's TV show; or sitcoms; it came from hanging out at others houses; but at some point; those kids were growing because there parents were helping them on a daily basis. And soon they were way past me in maturity. I was barely hanging on emotionally; At 9; I was hanging on to concepts I watched on TV shows at 5. I was not in reality.
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I found that when visiting others homes I was grateful to get any experience from there parents; However I began to recede; I was just someone hanging out; that was all.. and further falling into my own insecure world.
I was not being taken care of or emotionally or developmentally being fed anywhere. I was moving more into my own dream world and the desire just be loved or noticed was all that mattered. I just put up with it hopping at some point my parents would kick in and take care of me. They never did; because no such people existed.
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At some point I was becoming an altered state. And others around me; kids my own age were growing and growing and growing.
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I was not!
I was a brilliant person who had no attention for being brilliant. I needed a thousand times the attention I was receiving. And I thought very young; I would be treated for my worth and do something great with my life.
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By the time Im in 4th grade; nothing is happening for me. Nothing school wise ever happened for me after 6th grade or 5th grade. 6th grade; was a giant abuse cycle. I was completely shut down; freeze mode and catatonic systems showing up.
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The only thing that happened in first grade; I met some kids there; I would spend time at there homes; that was the only real accomplishment. First grade; I remember problems. I was 2 on my own. Something was wrong and I had to revert to a dream world on everything to survive.
THE PRESENT;
So; Im trying to get that kid back; that kid is me; and Im trying to get myself back to that kid from ages 4-9; Im trying to get myself back.
Actually Im trying to get the kid back from ages 7-9 ½; something like that; 8-9 years old. Get me back so Im functioning in my neighborhood again; and thus; function here now where Im physically at now; My neighborhood is a real place; my childhood neighborhood but its also in my head and my heart. And many times when I write; im talking about getting me back lined with what I remember I was like in my neighborhood as a child. Its not all about the physical of having to be in that neighborhood… The neighborhood is in me!
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I had lots of dreams and would have headed toward them if I had been left alone but safe and taken care of. So; I want myself back; I want my independence.
By writing about all this; using specific words when I write; I can see myself coming back to that age; becoming me again because I say so or write so over n over.
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Im trying to go back to that original age as a child and then represent myself back to now as a new creature of success safe and happiness purpose with a great built foundation.
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The goal is this place; this gap; to work through this gap; a gap created by the psychopaths when they split my life up or split me apart. Parts of me are coming back or have come back; I want more n more n more; its not enough; the main deeper areas are not back yet; but I'm much stronger and working toward that kind of integration.
I'm going from an animal lost to a college graduate; that's whats happening here; Im trying to do the work to come out of this dissociated insanity; this childhood where I was so severely broken. It rules my life because its the primary foundation of my inner self and its broken into… but then it tries to grow back together; but theres this giant gap. Its not a gap anymore; its this giant bottle neck where I was chopped into…. Its like having ones head lopped off and trying to find it and put it back on my body and try to function. The stitching is not down well to keep that head on strait. I was a child who had to put his own head back on his shoulders and stitch it up; it did not turn out well.
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At some point when young; Im so dissociated from reality; I have no real connection to the people Im visiting anymore; in my neighborhood; I need them more n more for a place to go… There friendship or who they are is not important anymore; Im in a desperate situation at that time. In the house I live in; Im a stranger who keeps to himself and I kind of live like a 5 year old… Nothing has changed. No development accept what Im attempting on my own and its not even close to enough to come back into reality; All of this when 5 to 9 ½. After this the horror will start. I was be destroyed.
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NOTE:
DO I NEED A CAR OR IS GOD TAKING CARE OF MY VACATION NEEDS
And yet another person I asked; “ Hi; While in his truck after getting out of the store; “Hey; I got this God plan to go several places around the state and another state for 1 day vacations; Cars cost 250$ a day with gas to rent ; Can I rent you for a day. Answer; “ Sure”. And Im told this person goes to all the places I want to go to; he goes all summer long!~ This is the 5th person; actually 4 Ive asked in the last few days. Im not sure half of them want anything; money or what ever; not very much; Nothing. Really; Interesting. I just have to set it up way before hand; the plans. They drop me off at the place I want to visit; come and get me 5 hours later and thats that.
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The reason all of this is important; Do I need a car? Im not sure; I don’t know what is going on with the universe; but everyone keeps saying yes to me about giving me rides around the state. And a few of the guys are already going to these places every weekend…
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Crazy…
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Allot of what us happening in the present is spiritually;
Right now; Im being taken care of at the spiritual age of 9. When I was actually 9; I was destroyed; and pulled out of my house and my life. And right now; the universe is bringing people in to play the parent role for me at this present spiritual 9; Why is this important; all of this attention goes into my origional memories and acts as a seragate parent for my childhood memories. The part of me that is still insecure because of that time; all of this attention is helping me right now… its building me up and keeping me safe.
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This is a safety strengthening of that time period when I was 9; Its Gods way of saying hes got my back completely. Im being taken care of at that age and this age; Thus; Im able to feel safe again; feeling those feelings of that age and once feeling them and re living them safely; I move on from them into the next stage of my childhood; of a natural childhood that I was suppose to have when young; but didn’t. Thus; A new direction for the child within me; the right one; the safe one; the one where Im loved; thats whats happening here and now; thats the idea.
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CONCERNING 1DAY VACATIONS;
The 9 year old in me; in the present is asking others for help to go on vacation; and everyone is saying yes; Its crazy; also; I get a nudge from God when to ask someone and who to ask; All the people Ive asked have said yes; However, Im sure there are plenty that would not help me or are capable of helping me; but God never sent them around me…
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So; my vacation ideas for the summer are all getting met… crazy. Ill start planning things out.
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ASKING FOR HELP
I asked a friend today about “ asking people for help” : He said that primary purpose of the literature of our groups is to learn to ask for help for everything and to work the steps in those groups to build character to be able to follow through with what is required of me to participate successfully of what Ive asked for… to be part of; its crazy. Its crazy good if one pulls it off.
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I woke up from a dream today; I was 9 living in my old house and I was just getting up; but when I woke up in the present ; I realized it was real; I really felt like I was in my old house and it felt so good… those were my real feelings and I was reliving getting up in my old house; and the feelings did not go away; thats because Im feeling safe again and real at that age of 9 again; in the present. If I can stay that age; and build from there; my whole life is going to start to expand I think. No future tripping; Just saying. Im starting to feel this way where I live in the present. I am the child of the past living in the present… all good!
ALONE VS SINGLE
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This is a strange bias’d kind of view point concerning Alone vs not alone person; its a view point to emphasize a view point. Im showing my opinion;
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A single person is many things but can also be defined as without a partner In some circles.
A single person technically to me; on the positive side; is a person who chooses to be single right now but is connected to the world and its people and society.
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An “ Alone person” is (pause); “ALONE! They are not connected to anything or anyone; even when around people they are anti social or in outer space; they are a victim; victim mentality; do not feel good about themselves; probably trauma based issues and other mental problems or others issues about abusers when young; trauma bonded to past abusers and such; don’t want any people around them but long for relationships; that kind of thing; Thats one view of the pie with eight sides. This person cant connect; to much PTSD and past stuff; hatred and fear concerning people in general; a generalize fear and mistrust of people; hatred toward people; mistrust; no trust; don’t trust anyone but still long for a relationship; The classic victimhood victem. General forms of mental illness or broken heart’d or sadness… No hope; no interest in life anymore; nothing; However, Im suggesting one is a bit past this level of complete hopelessness; sadness; but has learned helplessness and has no belief that the world is worth changing for… Theyve long ago give up on the world…
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Unfortunate; they are also lazy; and wont do the ground work to become this new person to be connected to society… And it also always requires a support group on a daily basis; as what I believe.
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or shyness with no belief in themselves after being thrown away; No belief that things can get better; no belief in anyone anymore or anything; no belief in the human race; nice person but beat up and swindled to many times; to ruptured to let anyone in but wanting a relationship with someone who will show up.
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As for me;What I wanted; a female phantom of the night; a sun queen to ravish me and take me and spend lavish money on me for ever… that kind of thing; take care of me; be everything I need that I cant get for myself right now because of my mental condition. A victim lover…
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Laziness; Ive mentioned what I cant have or don’t have; Okey; how can I start building on the process and foundation of what I do want; because Id have to do that anyway regardless of the situation.
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So; Im making my point. Im trying to say that Single can be connected but not dating; alone is ALONE. And alone is the problem. ALONE Is married to ALONE and VICTIM>.. They cant date anyone; they have no interest; Dating is on the other side of the spectrum. ALONE is married to Poor me poor me Pour me another Drink! ALONE is married to anti social; Blame-thrower. No belief in self; no belief in the world; no reason to believe in either because theyve been proven that nothing real exists out here in the world that is worth going after… No reason to be alive.
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This is now changing for me through hard work… I have a goal to become what I want to become; I start out with nothing but an idea and a connection to the universe and a support group and go from there. And literature on how to become successful. I have 12 step literature and success based business literature; the combination works well for me; now; it has to be mixed with dedication and hard work because I have to earn my way into a new way of thinking. I have to work my way into a new way of thinking; not think my way into a new way of living!
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For me; Women are on the other side of the spectrum of “ Alone”.. I am alone and I am a victim; However, at some point in the future Ill be making that jump from “ ALONE” person to social person again. But Ill need so much love and caring and work between now and then; but thats what Im heading toward and I will not be connected to anything from the past this time. So; this will be very weird for me. But it will happen; but it will happen when I COME BACK! Meaning; Back to Realty. When I come back!!!!! When Im here again; whole again and not a victim. Maybe still a work in progress.. I don’t know. !
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I am not single; I am ALONE!
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VACATIONS AND ALONE
Im getting better; Ive wanted to go to a vacation resort; small one on a lake I used to visit as a kid. I want to go back; I went back last year; it was so very empowering. I walked around the Lake and the sandy beach and cabins and such.
The problem was; I was alone; A friend from the meetings took me; I showed up; it was incredible nostalgic. However, I was alone. All I could do was walk alone for about 45 minutes; experience it; and leave. Not much else I could do. I was not part of anything; no human participation; nothing. Thats all an alone person can do.
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I just called the place a second ago; and that is great; I mean; I was never able to think in terms of facing that place ever again after what happened to me as a child. Now; Im looking them up on the web; and calling again; and the resort is open. However, if I show up; Im not single and connected; Im alone (again). My stay will be for about 1 hour plus lunch and thats it… And thats great; I mean; Ill visit the place 10 times this summer and it will be great; but; I will not be a connected smiling human being to anyone; Ill be alone. Ill walk around alone for an hour; get my fix and leave.
SO; what kind of person do I need to become to be a connected person so I can be with a women and take her with me; and be connected to the community in general of people; being confident and back in this new life; what will that look like; who will I be. That will come next; the work for this; Ive got other goals first before I date someone; Ive got pre goals that need to be finished; part of my over all restoration of self. Right now; Im writing lyrics and that is the most important goal Im writing right now.
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As for visiting my old vacation spot as a child; ya know; spending one hour having lunch at that place every few weeks in the summer; drive there; great. No problem.. Maybe thats all Im suppose to do; have lunch and walk around… and that will be that.
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When Im single but not alone; When Im single and not alone Im connected to people; I can smile and talk to them and Im part of the social community of humans ( Im confident); Im part of things; not anti social and weird and cut off. That means; as a single person part of the community; I can start dating when I want to; Im able to talk to others connect with others; Im part of others.
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Let me also say this; this means Ive recreated myself through hard work and come back independently.
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FROM MUSIC GOAL TO RELATIONSHIP GOAL: MUSIC FIRST
So; After the music Goal; that means; creating memorizing and performing music again. IT will be time for the work that I can jump from ALONE person to SINGLE but connected person in society; The first fear was; my God; I have to give up the past completely. Part of me is sad for what did not happen in my past; all the dreams I had and all that was taken from me and the things I loved and wanted so badly to happen ( I am a nice person; a really nice kid; always have been)but they all backfired and I was dropped; dropped from society completely.
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However, the excitement is; I get to come back again and do this all over again; if I can handle this; I mean; Im damaged goods. Im not sure how God is going to do it. ( I have death fear); only some of us know what that means; its very powerful; like radiation; it keeps us away from those things that could hurt us; mangle us torture us to a point of death or kill us… Its a killing fear… its about the fear of being in situations that are not safe believing I can be killed; Its a real fear based on real events of the past… I assume combat people will understand what I mean; its very deep sickening strong feeling the prohibits me from getting into danger… This is a hard one… no tolerance. Im not a soldier from the army; Im someone who was destroyed in my own form of attrition's. I was never in the military.
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Making the social change;
2 areas; maybe more to deal with; first; getting into shape the best I can; losing weight until Im down to 165 again and keeping it at that. Next; how I dress; better clothing this time round.. I have to work on it…
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Im still a bicyclist; and Im slowly getting back into it again this summer; Ill put on the bike clothing again and play the role of bicyclist; this is very cool because it turns biking into a hobby and this means losing weight.
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Social; I don’t know; this is the hardest one. Ill be dropped back into intelligent creative middle class socially at some point; I don’t know. Im not sure. I don’t know! I mean; they crucified me the last time. Ill work with God on it. The middle classes turned on me when young.
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A GOAL:
The ability to connect again and (like myself). I think I should be celebrated everyday; just like having a birthday every day celebrated; celebrated every hour; that's what it should be; and I should feel that kind of safety and inner love and that I'm being looked after and being taken care off… loved as a special human being deserving of great celebration and affection and to be adored and looked after and loved every hour. Every minute! Every second… for ever and ever and ever; loved and cherished for ever and ever and ever. I deserve no less then this. Ill have to work with God on this. All of this..
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Im not interested in putting out my time for weirdo’s anymore or sycophants wearing nice clothing. I want to be around real quality people that value me; not fake shallow quality people that find my potential interesting at first but tire of me and reject me when they see Im a work in progress and not what they thought I suppose to represent. When they find out they have to treat me for who I am; they are gone; they turn coat on me and have no more interest in me; they refuse to respect me because they don’t value me; They cant find anything about me to respect. They have no respect because they didn’t respect the inner me in the first place. So; what can I do to avoid those people; Ill have to work with God on it.
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When they find out Im a broken person who is sincerely working on myself; they have no interest in me. I'm looking for the opposite; or looking to become someone that attracts my kind of people; Ill work with the universe on this. This journey…
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12 STEP GROUPS;
I continue to go to 12 step groups for recovery; its long recovery process; hard recovery process; lonely or it stretches me many times; Its like chemotherapy; I mean; I get exhausted from it but keep going year after year slowly breaking down walls that have kept me from reality and myself; and it working.
Im really getting somewhere right now; However; Im still on the other side of that damn wall; Im still being defensively protected by my walls; and Im trying to work through this; they keep me AVPD to protect me. So; still have allot of work to do.
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God has brought back so much for me… its incredible.
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MEETING SOME PEOPLE FROM MY ORIGINAL LIFE THAT ACTUALLY MISSED ME
God allowed me as an adult to meet people from my neighborhood that actually really liked me and were not using me; they actually cared about me enough to remember me and wonder what happened to me. So; God allowed me to know I was noticed and cared about when young; God will follow through and help me get back my life once again.
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Ive mentioned this before; I asked God sincerely if there was just one person that remembers me from my childhood that missed me. And in the fashion of the universe; God brought me right to them; like picking a piece a hey out of a haystack.
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I need to get the safety back from my neighborhood; I need to walk that neighborhood and feel safe and confident as if Ive always lived in that neighborhood and nothing happened to me and I feel powerful and confident back in my neighborhood. Im not sure how God is going to pull this off. Im going to grow into it; and its already happening.
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It means the bad things that happened there; Im fighting; I will return and be happy and powerful and not afraid to stand up for myself in my neighborhood.
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As for the house I lived in; I don’t know. God has got to do some juggling so I can get over that place and move on. Its still a place of rupturing. Im not sure how God will fix it; but he must fix it…
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Im trying to work through what happened in that neighborhood and school; learn to stand up for myself against what happened and thus when gaining my personal power back; move on with my life… I guess; Im waiting on God.
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I have gotten stronger; Im working with God on the next level of what Im suppose to do here… A gap resides between me and what the next step is…
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FOUNDATION;
Slowly building that foundation. I have to go back into my past and remember; and God is doing that for me; So; as I remember who I was; Im remembering the foundation I had; but it was created and insulated by those around me; there money and the neighborhood they ended up in.
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So; the goal is to remember who I am with Gods help and re generate a foundation. Re generate something I may not have had much of. I did have something; a beginning of something; Now; Im actually building it. The horrible part is; I don’t get to be in my past while I do it; Im not in my childhood; I was going to build it while in my childhood and would have; but had no support; nothing.
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Now; Im slowly rebuilding my mind with Gods help; and I will cross that divide; that place from past to present; and Ill accept that the past has been worked through; and the child in me is in the present with a foundation. But that foundation within my mind; those goals and dreams; this is not easy stuff; I didn’t know it was a major undertaking; I thought I could do this in a second; no! To feel strong and safe; my mind has to be completely re worked. How long does it take to build a bridge.
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A SAD COMPONENT
Im doing the work; it has a very o so sad component; as I said before; it was all my dream that as a child I build my personality; but that was taken away from me. Now; God is bringing back the ability for me to re build my mind. Im not suggesting this isnt my second childhood; but I o so wanted it to be safe in my first childhood and have good experiences. So; Ill work through that.
I have allot of basic work to do re developing my mind into something usable in the present; Im doing it; And I believe this is work that could have been done when 4-9 years old… and many of my fake friends when a child; that's what their parents were having them do; build there futures along with there fun time… Not me; I was day dreaming along with my fun time; thrown away looking for love or attention and companion ship while others were building there futures.
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I suppose if I had been left alone and stable environment to grow I would have grown into a direction that would have worked for me( But thats a pipe dream) In fact; that's what Im kind of facing now… learning how to move my past into this new direction in the present and reconnect in new ways in the present. All of this is to help me reconnect in the present.
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Its sad and lonely work right now. Im battling allot of resentment and anger and hostility from the mental illness; triggering
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The fact is; it will take allot more work then Ive done to rebuild my mind that it be mine again and feeling safe and secure and able to respond in the world; respond instead of freeze mode or dissociate. I may just be starting even tho Ive been at this for awhile…
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