July 2025
June 2025
I'm trying to figure things out. I'm starting to get a foothold of an idea concerning my whole life and what needs to be done.
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Where my personality collapsed long ago and cant deal with reality; thus leaving me agoraphobic in a little apartment ran by the state; Some ideas are coming to me concerning my plight.
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Ill say this; the goal if possible is to understand that I've been trauma bonded by just about everything from my youth and childhood; broken over n over n over and depleted and abandon. So; I ended up a mental cripple.
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Working with God; what would happen if I ask God to go back to age three with me and start over completely bi passing all later experiences and start over; this time creating a foundation from the start that works; works as a talented introvert and works as an extrovert interacting with the outside world.
Many people are successful and make great money and do great things with there lives and they are no smarter then I am; but they seem to be much more grounded in a reality that seems way over my head.
So; how about God and I starting over and with Gods help; helping me get started from the beginning again; and learning how to create a foundation that deals with real reality in reality thus preparing me to have success in life outside my apartment. And there it is. It scares me to say this or write this because I don't want to be beat up from the street up anymore. However, I've been brainwashed to believe everything is abuse and Ill walk into to sooner or later and be destroyed; but how can I justify this when so many others are working and doing fine; maybe struggling; but they have relationships and houses and cars and hobbies and such.
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How do I get back to this sane way of life. Sanity is what I seek.
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I seek success not examples of losers living in the woods in the middle of winter.. I'm not suggesting all people who have given up society are losers; I'm suggesting its cold in the woods with very few resources and no future except more woods and more cold.
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I'm responding to how I was treated when young and I have the idea that if I fix that one problem Ill be fixed but I think it would be better to just start over completely. Ill take this idea to God.
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I'm talking about a new social development; everything new. What would a life look like if I had been brought up by successful people to become successful.
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In my past I was always looking for new people to help take me in and learning me or help me survive and grow up; in the end no one saw any value in me; I was just a throw away who showed up at there door; I did not know this until it was 2 late; it was a mistake but I didn't know better. I was a nice person; the people who fooled me were not. Some of the people that took me in did not like me neither did there kids. I did not know this. I was around all these people that hated me to the core and had no value for me. I had no idea anyone would want to be this cruel to someone; but they were and thus a great lesson is taught; it might have looked good in a TV show but in real life I did not end up around nice people. Nor did I end up around any people that saw any value in me; they all secretly treated me with hatred and contempt. Regardless of my worth. So; that concept did not work.
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What concept will work. Thats a scary notion and one I'm working with God. And what it means is; I turn to God and get inline with my inner being about what Actually needs to be done to build a foundation; a real one in life; that means all the stuff I may not want to do but is necessary for a life of some levels of success.
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I need this sanity so I can kind of run my own life from where Im at. Part of me is PTSD'd CPTSD'd and Dissociated from real reality. AVPD. Depression Fear anxiety and so on. Agoraphobia.
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I have Agoraphobia; I dont know what to do outside. I have no connection to it; thus; I will work with GOd on that as well.
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So;
2 areas of working with God; three actually.
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1. How to start over again on a realistic base to learn how to live in the real world and have success; a successful foundation from the start.
2. How to connect or what to connect to in the outside world outside my apartment. What ever this will entail and what ever this means.
3. What is my Purpose in life.
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And their it is; Ill be praying about this.
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Now; someone might say; well! you could go to Church or something; Well; that wont work. Ill be isolated sitting in church and isolated when I leave; and If the other people talk to me in the church; it will not be at a personal level so it will be like talking to a police officer; I mean; Ill get nothing out of the transaction; it will not help me become social; For I'm not looking to get help from places like churches to help me become social. I'm looking for God connections that God creates and foundations for such things and ways to build and strengthen such things; I don't know what id be doing; God does in my specific situation.
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For example; one brilliant idea that came from God; I get rides to all the meetings. I have to call people; I have to set up rides I have to set alarm clocks and be outside on time; I have to relearn how to use my phone for calling and texting people so I stay in communication if something goes wrong and people don't show up or I don't show up. I have to interact with those people in the car thus building more social skills and friendships. I have to learn to ask for what I want and I could get turned down. These people also take me to the store; sometimes they ask me if I want to go to the store. This is a very important exercise and getting out into the world. This also adds hours to the recovery process during the day; getting to places early opening up meetings; staying later and the drive to and from and the recovery conversations. That is a good example of what God brought me for the outside world. And I have to be nice and learning to share my appreciation for them giving me a ride and I let them know. And it has sharpened me up to show up on time in the morning. Go to bed earlier; trained to get up to that clock alarm.
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So; I'm looking to make connections that God brings me in the outside world that teach me and leave me in a better place then I started. I'm not looking for false connections that take me to a place where I feel even more isolated. I'm not looking for immature experience. God will show me about these outside connections and where to go and how to hook up with those people and places outside. Its all about getting better. Its about success.
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When others were involved with my life they all tried to destroy me; that's because I was either born into places with these kinds of monsters or I went out into the neighborhoods and found them because I was a latchkey kid. Unfortunately; later I learned a horrific horrified lesson; No one of any worth actually allowed me in; it was cruel abusive people and sociopaths that thought they were better then other people; evil; that's what I actually found but never knew it. I wont be randomly going to houses again for people to help me grow up; I wont be doing that again; unfortunately the real people were evil that opened there doors to me.
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Its kind of like; who do you find on the streets that take you in when your homeless; Criminals; Pimps; drug addicts and dealers.. One ends up being taken hostage and forced to work for those people. If one understood what was on the streets; they would have second thoughts ever opening up to anyone.
The TV channel lied to me. No one of any real value opened there doors to me. I found people that were cold and evil but never showed it at first; wolves in sheep's clothing; cant say it any better and when young; i knew no different; I was completely innocent.
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Today; Im not interested in hooking up at the wrong places or situations; I'm interested to see where God takes me for rehabilitation. Ill be working with GOd on all this.
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So I just begin by talking to God about purpose and development and pathways and first steps. Impulses to those first steps.
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Positive vs negative; There are 2 sides to a wave; Unfortunately I got trauma bonded that only one side exists; no hope no reason and failure. Left in poverty with no hope and why bother. However, that is not the full wave; On the other side of the wave is How can I do this; I can do this and the outcome will always be good and the universe has got my back and I can do this and it can be done and I can make this happen... Good things will be the end results. And this positive outcome is what I want to develop. I was trauma bonded and brainwashed so I'm asking God for help.
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What bothers me is how all of those people combined when I was young to conspire against me and destroy me. All of them and that was the goal. It had little to do with me accept they hated me with a deep resentful passion; some of them... They hated me for ever showing up at there door step and getting involved in there private lives. When a family feels forced to share there lives with an outsider; they don't care who that outsider might really be or the outsiders worth; They don't want him in there lives. I was used. I later learned horrible lessons here.
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What happened when young had nothing to do with me; it had to do with the corruption of evil people and molesters and human monsters; still has nothing to do with me accept I was a victim of crimes. These are not the only people on planet earth; Planet earth has nice people; in fact I think most are probably nice..
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So; I have to relearn how to trust again and I talk to GOd about all this.
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So; I just got up and watched a meditation for purpose.
I can tell this is going to be a long haul; getting me out of this room; this apartment out into the real world. The last time I felt apart of something; I was between 5-8 years old. a few years in there and I was purposely being groomed to believe it before they abandon everything'; Before I was abandon. They knew exactly what they were doing and had planned it and they new what I was like at 5-6-7-8' They new exactly how to groom me to believe nothing was wrong and to let my guard down. Looking back I can see being manipulated through all of those ages; setting me up to take a fall; much like a molester does to a child when they want to rape them; they are nice at first with the child; then kidnap use and throw away in a calculated manner; they did the same thing to me; I never knew I was around that level of monster. Now; I cant function.
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Now; I'm attempting to learn how to function out in society again. I have to some how get over what happened to me when really young; 3-9 because I was groomed by murder'rs to be murdered for their kicks and I never knew. I know now and I can see those years of being manipulated are the years I have to work on or work with. Either way I'm in a war right now; A war between being in my apartment and the outside world.
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I've sacrificed allot to be in the recovery process; I've gone to meetings with stalkers and creeps and have been stalked by them; lots of criminals. I didn't leave; I stuck to my recovery. But I'm feeling it; the damage. and I'm starting to see the truth of my young life; My God! I had no idea; that it was this bad; I was groomed by monsters every step of the way setting me up to be destroyed for there fun; the fun of having power over people by mutilating them. I was the one being dismembered. They knew how I would respond at each age; 4-5-6-7-8; I remember; they knew exactly what they were doing. Its not fair children should be in a place like that; and have to go through criminal hijacking like that. I had no idea but I did. I didn't; but at a deeper level I did; but it was at a level I had no voice; it was at a deeper part of me that wanted to scream and run. That part of me was shut down. I'm working on waking up from this.
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The hard part is what this did to my identity. I mean; I feel like I want to get over this and go back to my original self; but my original self is really not from anywhere. Some how I'm going to have to go through my childhood until I see it for what it really was; a false masquerade put on by criminals who were setting me up to be destroyed.
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I claim the neighborhood I came from I loved and the house and I wanted to do good in school and have friends down the street but I cant do that; it was all fake; everything. I was being groomed to be destroyed; it could have happened anywhere. These monsters didn't pick where I lived for my sake; they did it randomly for there own shallow reasons and later would pack up and leave.
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So; I have allot of work to do concerning my future right now; I cant leave my apartment and if I did I would know why or where to go. I do go to 12 step meetings and that's all.
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I have to keep working with God on all of this.
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Im not sure how long this will take; its like a war; a struggle. I may be it for a long time looking for the journey to take the first steps..
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So; Im beginning to see a bigger picture
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The goal is to work through what happened from ages 4-9 or 5-9; really work on them because the scenery changed and I was living in a pleasant neighborhood but in reality there would be no neighborhood for me. But I didn't know that at the time; it was no place to invest my time or wonder around in but I didn't know that. As much of a let down all this is to my original interests in life; no such wonderful place existed; it was just one more truck stop for a few years for these human murders; and I have to work toward seeing it that way; I hate to have been the abused throw away child from the beginning but I have to if I'm going to get free of them. So; this was there neighborhood; not mine and I have to look back and see it that way. it was one more unsafe stopping place.
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Because I wondered around in it; I liked it and it felt like home; but it wasn't home; I didn't have a safe home nor any safe place to go and I have to see it that way. Because; I'm trying to let go of everything from that time period so I can be free now.
In reality there was nothing safe from 0-4; why would I think it would be safe from 4-9; impossible but I had false sense of security that I want broken. The outside world looked nice at that time for a few years. My father kept my mother in check... so she couldn't hurt me to much; I was gone most of the time and no one cared. I spent time at other peoples houses. I didn't know they never really wanted me in there houses or there lives; I didn't know. They wanted nothing to do with me. Later I wanted nothing to do with them. I had no friends there but I didn't know it.
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The only chance for me was to start over completely with no past; that's what I'm shooting for right now. God is working with me. I don't have to grieve over a loss that never happened; if I can see the past for what it was; really was and accept it; Maybe it wont be so hard to move on.
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My early childhood is a buffoonery; its a stage place of misleading lights with dungeons and dragons just beneath the surface. Its not that I didn't just have a chance and didn't know it; I had no chance no matter what would happen as long as I was still associating around those human murder's'; as a child I would not have known.
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SO; with Gods help; I look back at what I don't want to look back at; I was fooled from the day Im born; there is no hope for me as long as I'm around any of those murder'rs. And I have to let go of the hope of a few years of my childhood; its all deeply important to me; but it cant be because the foundation it sat under did not exist. Thus; in reality; there was no good parts of a childhood created by murders; I was groomed to be destroyed; that's all that happened; it did not matter where I lived; meaning; what house. There would be no way to do well in school or have friends or anything else. Now; I have to work with God to get out of there; Get out of there within my nervous system and mind and wake up.
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However; This is not going to be easy. It will be hard; rock hard. The child in me; this is all he had... and now I have to ask him to see it from a darker light and let it all go. Ill work with God on it; possibly God can go in there and safe him.
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I'm a human reclus on social security who has never really left his apartment all his life; my life. I'm trying to do something about it.
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The long haul of it. Learn a purpose and taking it outside.
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I'm mad I guess about how My life has forced to go when young. Now; I just want those monsters from the past out of my head.
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I did the music creation process with meditation every few minutes. And thus with Gods help; Im creating a new foundation.
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THe starting foundation is; I sit at the keyboard hooked up to the recorder from the computer software. I creat a beat and then a base line and then start adding piano chords. The goal for me is 15 minutes of this. I play for a minute; I stop and meditate for a minute; re aligning the universe God source energy inner being for a minute or 2. Then; Im back to the keyboard for a few more minutes.
What do i sound like or play like. I complete average beginner. And thats just fine; because the goal is to work within these rules and realms and spiritual laws. In a sense Im starting all over. Im working with the universe. Ill keep at it; if I want to get better it will be under these rules. of course at some time I wont be mediating and praying every minute; Ill do it every 5 minutes and 7 minutes; what ever it takes to keep in alignment with the goal of; Im only here to create music; thats all.
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My mind seems dumb and untrained; OK. No problem; I have massive amounts to learn. However, My body is so compulsive; I cant stand not taking over after more then a minute and that has been the problem; my body is on red alert from all the years of trauma. So; Im teaching my body that it cant react here. and there it is.
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I went from being interested in gear; thus taught by the universe to be interested in only music creation. So; my alignments now are for pure music creation; doesnt have to be smart or good; I just have to participate for a certain amount of time each day. With time Im sure it will grow.
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