July 2025
June 2025
Instalment 18; In Limbo Land.
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Limbo land is a place; A place Ill be in as I grow and develop into a new person. This newer person will be able to move outside my apartment and do things.
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Ill be able to make plans and start doing things; The beginning of this has already started. I'm at that place.
I've been talking to allot of people and sharing many things at meetings. I'm starting to see many people fall away from me; why? because I'm actually moving forward and don't need them anymore; or in there positions with me
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They accept me as a broken person and keep pushing that concept with me but will not accept me at a higher movable level because that means I was using them to get well and they got kind of dropped off. So; what they do is; immediately drop all contact with me in a way.
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Sometimes people think I'm there minion or flying monkey or goat boy; and in that position they like having me around; but they don't want to see me go beyond that level; if they are forced to accept me as an equal; instead; they will stop associating with me. They will stop giving me rides to meetings or they will treat me badly as if I'm an outsider and a slacker.
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So it begins. And its beginning.
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Changes; Its a very important crucial time. A time of hanging on and allowing more experiences in the real world with people or just interacting with people. Getting to the point of experience where I feel OK to go outside and be more part of life. I couldn't say it better myself. Go outside and be part of things again.
Work with the universe and have goals and be part of things again. Thats what I'm working towards.
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So; its important that I just keep my goals up and keep showing up to meetings and talking.
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just at another meeting. Some weirdos there or trouble makers; people who follow me around after the meeting trying to intimidate me. I have to remember to just stay out of other rooms when these freaks are around.
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Good meeting; I'm getting to the point of talking about the experiences needed to go from a center point like my apartment to a destination for a purpose. And Ill be praying about that. the purpose does not have to be to big deal; it can be anything. Well; it bit more then that.
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Its all practice.
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IF I keep this up and keep working with God...
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I have a place to live food housing. It seems to be consistent; lots of meetings as I wake up; no reason I can keep up my recovery work; just keep it up.
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Wouldn't it be nice" Say that about 20 times in a row and study online coaches that talk like that with those kind of words; learn how they talk positive like.
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The idea at some point is to be the creator of a new life; my life with God as also the creator.
I'm starting to see this possible.
What I will do; I will take interest in things and try them; not being experienced at things; I can try them and work at getting better at them. I can work with God on this.
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I'm seeing that I want to become the intelligent person I am around others. And I want those kinds of people around me.
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Ill have to re work this; come into this.
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AVPD is about being a terrorized child. A good pic of this is on one of the Facebook group sites; a pic of a kid holding his head and curled up because of the pain of being forgotten abandon terrorized and abuse bullied thrown away. All of those things will happen and sexual abuse possibly. Not being able to function because of trauma; the whole of the school system process is shut down and shut out because the child is in survival mode. Any bad teachers at the school wicked or evil teachers can start abusing the child and the child can do nothing; the school system can start treating the child like a criminal and make them an outcast; one more part of society destroying the child. And so on,.....
So; when the child is an adult; if they even make it that fare; And they some how make it through all the other trauma problems are still alive; They are agoraphobic and cant leave there apartment or where its safe; have no goals or dreams or desires and interest in the outside world that destroyed them.
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So; I'm somewhere in the middle of all this trying to feel safe again and learning how I might be part of things again and learn how to function at the right things out in society.
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So; I've got my problems; I feel like 2 people inside; the new one wanting to be developed in safe places and the original me wanting to be in safe places and heal.
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Im still looking into my new computer and monitor and feild recorder for music and software for writing music; updating it. The funny part is; I mean. The actual software I like using with music library is 8 Gigs; Thats it. I might use gorage band for creating tracks and singing vocals or recording guitar songs.
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The only virtual instruments Im interested in using for back up are drums n bass when writing for piano; and thats it!
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As for classical; Full orchestra; score to work with but really I never use that; I start with 4 voice; meaning the string section; 4 part and write in quartet still... Thats where I start and then add things in.
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Piano score is also most important. and fooling around with ideas I write on the keyboard.
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What's funny is; we are talking about a very small amount of ram use and hard disk space; My next computer is for music and that's it. I have a old mac laptop I sleep with... and I have a PC gaming computer with a very nice 3060TI GPU. ITs a nice spect'd basic level gaming machine from HP and I have the 27 inch HP basic Gaming monitor... So; its a good system. I've got about 80 games from Steam. actually used 1 came with any mark of hours; like; 350 hours continuous with Astroneer! And that's it; but its cool to have all those other games at my finger tips; Ha Ha Ha Ha hahahahahahahahah!~
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I'm interested in the new mac book air maybe with m1 chip; 16 gigs of ram. 1 terabyte of hard disk space. I mean. I would not be using a hundredth of that. However, I've got several Virtual Instruments and synths; some sample based; From Native instruments; but I mean; Its about 4 or 5; How much gigs of space is that. like 1 gig maybe.
However, I also will use logic at some point; so that's about 80 gigs with library. And I'm using omnisphere. SO; about 60 gigs on that one.
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What's interesting is I don't need really any other virtual synths. I Like the idea of more drums; but I write them in notation and the program plays them back; what Ive written.
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Seriously could get by with 10 gigs and that's it and for ram and speed; I mean; They want me to have a least a i3 chip... And Ive got more then that in my old MacBook Pro from 2014. So; I mean.
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Ill get a 27inch monitor and a field recorder; don't even think I need a new computer... Interesting.
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The new Apple M1 chips are crazy... A macbook -air is fast enough to run a studio! A new one with my configuration is 1500 Bucks; Thats nothing in the mac world... Its crazy. And there coming out with more n more newer stuff.
Interesting.
I cant imagine I ever over heat the thing... I just don't need all that. I'm writing 120 measured pieces for piano for myself. As for classical stuff; I mean; the instruments are built in; it does not probably use to much horse power to play them back.. So. crazy.
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Things are not perfect; I still get bullied by people. I don't fight back I walk away; these are some street people in the groups. I have to learn to just walk away from the beginning. Its not safe.
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I'm trying to come back from allot of bad horrible things. A whole life of them. I never imagined anything like this happening and was unprepared for all of it 100% ....
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Now; I just got done with a night meeting; I was sharing that I feel a kind of healed up feeling of independence from my past family system; and that is marvelous; what does that mean; it means I'm feeling that feeling of security and loved some how and part of something again but I don't have to go back to those monsters; any of them. And that's just fine with me. It means I've grieved allot and moved on and or up ward to a higher frequency. God and universe is all over this.
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I have my connection back with God universe and I have allot of kind of friends from the meetings; I get upped for meetings all the time by different people because I'm calling them all the time; Thats not bad considering I'm a dissociative. that's brilliant!
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I'm not back yet; still damaged; still have bulling and other sad things to work through from my childhood where I would not get out alive; but that is not true. In a sense I've been secretly inside myself some how hiding somewhere as soul. And now part of me is coming back.. I must feel safe and working with God and feel like the center of my life is in my room right now not the past. However, it kind feels like the past; a sense of security. And Ill just keep at this.
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My mind is truly ruptured and has no strength; or had none to be present; I'm getting a little of it back; that's great.
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If my life continues life this until I die; I'm fantastic; just slowly slowly healing and letting go more of the past and showing up in the present with future goals and dreams and purpose.
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This is all great; but I need much more of it.
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Ill continue to deal with my wounds. And my dissociated state and continue to do what I've been doing. I feel good about the foundation God has given me and allowed me. And Ill continue with it.
I've been expanding some what; a little bit; part of my manifestations I've wanted.
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My next assignment is to work on how I feel in the morning. Saying good things to myself and my future and the right words that expand my future and meditations and prayers; all positive for the future. This is not easy work but after much work it seems to be sticking. Im less interested in the past and more in the future; creating my future with God.
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