July 2025
June 2025
I've written this about 3 times; it keep getting clicked away.
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I'm picking 4 different scenarios to think about; imagine; visualize in FpV; First person point of view.
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Things having to do with wealth money
Things having to do with self expression; how do I want to express myself; maybe I see myself working with clay.
Maybe I see myself working with money; HAHA....
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Maybe I also see myself in a relationship
I see myself traveling and what that is like; to a big city where I have coffee at the coffee shop.
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Sometimes I have to order my body to do what I tell it while visualizing. Its my legs and my arms; I own them; no one else. I tell them what to do no one else.
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Watch vids on meditation and how to become wealthy; how to talk to myself and visualize what I want in this life.
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I'm the one working with God co creating with God; its my life; I'm the one that has to re take charge of it and tell it its plans. I show it its plans through visualization and meditation and writing and visualization boards and many other things. THe key is to keep at it no matter what.
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Started it out in the morning right when I get up. Do it so much it becomes my away of life...
Thats what I'm working on right now.
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Its work; One has to pray and keep at it; start somewhere; just start.
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I'm visualizing I'm painting and loving the ideas I'm putting on canvas; I'm asking God for a destination.
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I've done quit well concerning my recovery; I keep growing listening to God.
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God has allow me to be the center point of my life; the epicenter; its not always about where I live or what town. The center of me has God running through it like a beam of light. Also my apartment is becoming the center. that was not like that before. No place on earth was home accept the past. now; God has created a way that is transferred to the present.
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Learning about being grateful.
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I wanted a computer; I saw it was 2 expensive; and I thought; forget it. I'm not doing this; and then I watched a video about wealth where a similar story was told. However, this person was told by God source energy; after being in the shop and seeing the price of the garment; and they went into madness because of the expense; They were told by God to shelve it; wait; not get mad; wait for another time; but don't put a bunch of negative thoughts on it or to it. instead ask God how they could become wealthy enough to afford the garment or attract it.
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It was said this person who was mad that could not Offord the garment was actually jealous of rich people that could and this person wanted the garment to impress people and the rich that they were just as good as the rich.
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It is very hard; all of this; yes?
I am suppose to wait and pray about what I want; learn to appreciate everything I have and learn about being grateful. For the universe will find a way or make a pathway to the garment but I cant get that object if its all about hating the rich and proving to others I'm just as good as they are; the garment is about clothing and appreciation for the garment. ITs just a piece of clothing; not a political power ideology.
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Im Jealous of rich people. I don't understand. I have to work with God if I want to be rich. Its not about anyone else.
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I wanted a computer; it seemed to expensive; I thought; I hate this company and I hate these people.
What did I want the computer for to prove I'm just as good as the rich; is that why I wanted to obtain the computer. Suddenly God did not allow me to have anything.
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If I really appreciated the computer and knew I was going to use it on a daily basis and appreciated the use of it and was grateful to have it; Id have it by now; no problems. I'm starting to get it; to understand a bit; But I just don't know how to get into that mind set. I mean I kind of do; so Ill be working with God to practice.
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If I really was grateful first and then had an interest in the computer. I would take it as it is and work with it.
I found out by comparing the computer to other high end computers; non of them were cheap; they were all 4 thousand dollars. I would use it for about 5-8 years I imagine. But it still hurts. I think its because its a wealth cymbal; that's the only reason I was buying it. Was I buying it for the right reason or did I want to buy it in a state of compulsion. At one point when grateful; I could have bought it knowing I would use it for its intended purpose and appreciating it.
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I would do fine with a computer for half that price; but that's 2000 dollars; I mean; I cant win here.
I really don't want to pay that much. I could get an older model for less it would still work. In fact the old computer I have right now works. I really don't need a new one. I don't. Not yet. I'm just trying to fulfil a fantasy... and its 2 much money for that computer; it ruins the fantasy.
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So; first; Ill take all of this to God and tell God to help me concerning all of this and my intended goal.
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What do I want the computer for? its part of a larger picture of composing. " Wouldn't it be nice to have a new computer and monitor and music desk and keyboard and field recorder and software; the whole thing new. All of it. Even the chair... Wouldn't that be nice". But then something sinister happened. I wanted to ruin the thought because I thought; I have no business believing this or acting out like this. It almost sounds like my Mothers inside of me putting me down; her goal was to destroy or kill me off. OR kill me.
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I saw myself grateful; suddenly it was the answer; I would fight to have any of this equipment; Ill take it; and Ill use it because I'm grateful to have a plan or goal or quest and I will be grateful to act out in that quest on a daily basis because I'm grateful to be able to. Ill take what ever equipment God gives me and Ill work with it or build it up because I'm grateful just to have the opportunity to be involved in this kind of experience.
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Gratitude is something that has to be experienced, The alignment. It's different than what I'm describing here. I'm not sure words can describe the feelings. TO be grateful is to take owner ship and possession. What I truly want to possess I will protect. And what I value I will use. The key is to be in the right mind set to value things. THats what's been going wrong. My personality switches and I value nothing. I don't care about anything. I don't care about doing anything anymore.
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At one point I valued the idea of going out and recording sounds; coming back to my desk; writing stuff up in my notation program; Then learning it on the piano; and ......
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One of the problems I have; I'm not sure what the destination is for the piano. That; I'm working with with God. I just don't know. I want to be safe; I don't know what it looks like I'm suppose to do with these learned compositions. I don't have allot of visuals. I would like to have some things appear in my imagination concerning it.
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Maybe just the love of composing and reproducing it on an instrument; something like that; the love of; what am I doing this for; for what; what really turns me on. Ill have to work with my inner being and God.
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So; this whole thing turned negative again a few days ago and I lost any interest in doing it. I felt bought. I used the computer as an excuse. Nothing I'm doing is worth paying 4 grand for a computer; forget it. However; Thats what they cost. 2-4 grand. Closer; 2500$-4500$ Thats what they cost. ITs not a toy. I mean... actually the work I'm doing is enjoyable and that's the price of the equipment. I don't know why I don't like it. What I've read and been exposed to is; shelve it for awhile until I'm willing to work with God on getting the rest of the money together to pay for it.
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For what I'm doing with the computer; it doesn't seem worth it. But I'm caught in a kind of marketing game that has pulled my senses away from why I wanted the computer in the first place; it seems more important to get the gear at the right price; the most gear for the money; then to actually see what I need for making music the way I want to.
I don't or didn't feel like paying anything for the tools to make music; I just wanted something cheap and simple; But if that's the case; I all ready have the tools for that.
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I'm looking for a feeling all of these tools can give me if they are in front of me. I want to feel rich.
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The 4000$ computer ruined the fantasy; Until I checked the prices of other computers and found out all high end computers of this caliber are at 4000$ or more. They just are. I'm not sure what is going on here; maybe getting what I want without having any value to it. These machines are made for pro level producers; that is what they cost. Most of the comments I read concerning users feedback; if its true; if there comments are not jard and they are authentic; is; they are all in business in high end graphics and need to replace there old machines. So; am I in over my head.
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Maybe I need to talk to God about what I really need. Do I need to go the rout of spending a bunch of money or do I need to start out slow...
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For some reason I'm caught up in the; I've got to have the top end equipment to make this fantasy real.
On the other hand I kind of feel maybe I deserve it. I thought I did until I saw that 4000$ price tag. But then; What price is the right price tag. What am I really doing here. Ill have to work with God on what this is all about.
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IF its about writing music then; I should be able to do that with little equipment.
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Got it down to about 3000 grand for monitor laptop MacBook pro; and field recorder. Slowey trying to figure out what is going on here. What I'm suppose to do. I have a little money in a nest; but I don't want to spend all of that all at once. I like the idea of saving up part of it and using some of the nest for the other but not all of it.
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All of this is working is working to get closer to what I want to do; I'm not mature yet; I mean; I'm not present. Thats a big problem; I'm not mature or present. I have a goals. And as I work toward those goals I slowly wake up and see a much lessor developed unsophisticated person. I'm not mature or intelligent when it comes to work; nothing; Probably because I was never developed. I never developed into work; nothing. Well; I'm finding this strange middle ground of personal development; Ill call it teenage years; where I develop my skills into the surroundings not at an age where I care anymore about my mother and father; that graduating age is about 12. Suddenly a kid wants to develop but they don't go back and tell mother and father; However, that's from an adults point of view looking back. That is not true for an actual 12 year old... However, that can be the start of things for them to slowly learn to ask people for help for doing things.. and trying things and then trying them out for themselves.
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I'm showing signs of slow intellectual intelligence applied to my surroundings. Meaning my maturity is in question; its got to be developed; and as I feel more stable God will. Gods creating a kind of stability in me in the present and where I live; I'm in a kind of maturating state. Not sure how to describe it; When I'm done with it; Ill be better equipped to accept myself at a higher level.
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I'm finding my mind is where it was left during bad things.. and thus at a very low level of everything; in many cases a starvation level of many things; a mind bankrupt. So; one of the areas God is working on is the development of my thinking to raise my standards of interest and thus after they are raised internally hopefully I will have more belief they can be raised externally.
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So; lots of work to do to believe again.
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Lots of areas in my life have to have the negative beliefs replaces with positive. I believe after I'm convinced of the positive and surety of such things; I will then began to attract such things. I have god and support; its up to me; the hard work involved; the problem is the pain from no one ever caring enough to start me in anything when young; allot of this stuff I see myself learning at 5-6-7-8-9 years old. I was ready then and assumed I would be taught such things.
So; I feel the pain of being all alone all my life. And hopefully I will slowly continue to build self back up through sanity God and support to a level of wealth in as many places as I can or are needed or wanted.
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SO; I have allot of work to do; I have a imagination full of things; but I must work with God to understand how to take action on them and move forward with them... The pathways. Ill just ask God and make it his will not mine.
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Just have to keep going. Getting friction at times from those at meetings; they are not my friends. Some are some are not. I have to learn to get away from them; they are bullies. I might think I'm helping them and they look up to me; when in reality; they look down on me or not at me at all. Some really look down on me almost with a hatred and contempt.
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I'm in the process of figuring out how to set up my composing station for music. I'm not sure I aligned it correctly or not. Ill keep working on this. One of the keys is to have a monitor by the piano.
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Its easy to lose my way within myself.
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Because I'm getting older I feel time is running out. My body is running out.
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The goal is to change my attitude to one of feeling safer and having wealthy thoughts in the face of PTSD> Thats the real problem; dissociative disorder and the damage to my mind. Pulled out of to many homes and My environment without knowing it would happen. My mind being pulled apart to many times.
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I'm working on this change...
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New entry; one tuff day.
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I'm working on my computer music stuff; paying stuff off and looking at what I want to buy; I have no money in a sense. I mean; I have to save it or credit it and pay everything off no matter what it is. So; I have to be very careful.
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This is a very ruff day; goes to show that when one is triggered; it feels like I've done nothing; I'm just as lost as I used to be; lost and trapped.
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However, Ill work on more of it today. The goal is to break through; break through this wall. Its happened in other areas; I want it happening here.
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SO; Lots of work here.
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Sometimes if feels like another 5 years can go by as I'm trying to get better and function again. I'm not sure what Gods goals are; I'm just getting old or older and older and older.
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I'm not sure what God had planned for me. Right now I feel useless and tired. Broken down.
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Ill attempt to work on more of it continue until this breaks through.
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