July 2025
June 2025
I just want to function again; I want to be free of fear. I want to be free of fear of having money consciousness and having success. I want to be free of being separated from myself. I want direction; I want purpose. I want destination.
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Amtrak;
My interests in train brought about a few new understandings. If I keep focusing on trains every morning when I get up; Soon I will over come low self esteem and confidence and I will find myself on a train at some point. Will I allow this to happen; YEs; that is the experiment. Keep going until it is real. For it to be real; it has to come into reality and be no more then the choice of a getting a few bucks together; making a few phone calls and reservations; getting a backpack together and finding myself on my way.
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Lots of different kinds of fear and hatred and loathing and terror from the past.
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Regardless of what's thrown at me in my mind that can stop me or stops me in my tracks; keep going. I'm not getting to start at the top; I start at step one; I start at the beginning. I start at the first step.
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I just have to keep going until it becomes a reality. The same for money.
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Money is one of my biggest manifestation interests; to stop being afraid to be involved in money because I'm not worth it. Its not just affirmations to fix this. I have to keep up the exploration of money and the meditations around success and money until I'm in the center of it and its part of my centered consciousness.
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In all these things; its hardcore; I have to keep it up every morning; keep working at all of this every morning for the new life I want. And there it is. to some it all up.
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THE NEW LIFE I WANT;
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The new life I want! That sums it up.
That sums everything up; So; I'm slowly learning how to work for it; I'm doing it right now by writing this blog at 4 in the morning; 4:30 in the morning. Its about the work.
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I'm working hard; However, I have to work 10 times harder and longer; and that's what I'm really looking for. What would it mean to be so into this that I work 10 times harder; Id have to be committed and Id learn more about how to succeed. Most of what I'm looking for is before I gain a reward. Its the process; that's the commitment I'm looking for from myself; long before one works or gains a manifestation.
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Its in the beginning; its between self and inner self. It about the transformation from deep down inside from a place of freeze mode fear to reaching out or branching out from that place; Branching out into the real world.
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It takes daily work to become money conscious to become purpose conscious direction conscious to become talent conscious. This means I wake up and find myself in the center of these things or this way of life gladly.
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One of the problems or manifestation ideas; Im doing this for myself. Most of this work is what I expected from parents when I was young to help me have success; I got just the opposite of everything. Now; the manifestation is; I'm doing the work; I'm also the parent... I'm the parent of myself and God is my real parents.
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To believe I can do this. That the gap get closed slowly closing everyday closer and closer and closer; as the bad memories come up; process them separate myself from them and work around them and move on.
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Become someone with new life style of new habits; meditations of all kinds everyday concerning my goals.
Working with God on the next steps to move forward. What is the next step I'm suppose to take. In many cases; I'm suppose to meditate more and pray more; and that is the hardest most dry boring steps. And if I'm not willing to do this everyday; every morning; why would I think I can do anything else; So; I have to become a different person in order to do this and thus I pray for that. I pray to God and ask for what I want. I may not be able to get there from here because I'm not willing or able to receive because I don't have the self belief or confidence for such things. I have to become a different person and that will take chance taking.
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I have to be brought back to reality. This will take allot of visualization; of hands on stuff; holding money and playing with it and counting it at a desk or seeing myself pick it up off the ground stuff it into bags and put it into the back of trucks.
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Or; seeing myself paint; my hands and arms in front of me or playing the piano where I slow down and its only fingers I watch; I have to force my mind to be at this for long periods of time until I own my mind again and it does what I tell it to do. Its as if its been owned by someone else; hijacked. I have to learn to get in there and grab my mind and take it back and maneuver it in the directions I want it to go.
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Instead of thinking about the past; I'm writing about the future or meditating on the future and at some point; I start actually acting some of it out in the real world.
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I have abuse from the past; its fear in my nervous system and its triggered. And the goal of all this is to watch myself go beyond this fear; that's more importantly what this is all about. Its about facing fear and memories and moving beyond these things into a real life.
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So; I just defined a few goals and dreams. One of those is to work at each area of interest and at some point watch the beginnings of it show up in my daily life. This includes money consciousness; talent consciousness work consciousness or Purpose and Direction consciousness.
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Work; or What we the people know of employment; I have no idea what the universe will do for me within the constraints of things. concerning living like others in the real world. I'm not sure I can; I'm not sure what the universe will do to help me. Ill pray about what I need.
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Allot of the work is meditation and becoming a person that believes again; is willing to do what ever it takes to become this new person that is all in on becoming a new person and believes; thats what all of this work is about.
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Its about becoming now and having a full day of doing those things that are part of my success dream and filling up my day with it.
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That means things about money for part of the day; things about talents for part of the day. things about purpose and direction for part of the day; building on these things... and at some point watching this become a physical reality.
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The only way this is going to happen is to become trained into becoming this person. Thats where I'm at now; being trained into becoming this person.
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One area that has slowly and hiddenly starting to appear is the idea of destination and I need that as much as I need 10 bags of money. I need to know why I'm doing this.
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I've talked about taking the Amtrak train to Seattle; One of the goal was just to sit on the seats of an Amtrak train and go somewhere; but is that all the manifestation is! Maybe! However, a whole other part of the manifestation is; Is Seattle a manifestation; if I get a hotel room for a night in Seattle; is that the manifestation; just to come home the next day. What was the manifestation?
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Was Seattle the manifestation; NO
Was Amtrak the manifestation; Well; for another part of my dreams it was; but I didn't have to go to any specific destination for that.
Staying the night in Seattle; was that the manifestation; Maybe; that might be a bit of growth for the child in me; opening up his masculinity a bit and showing some growing room; some space. The child in me is getting his own room in the big city; I'm growing. But is that the manifestation; NO! I mean; not yet; that may be for another day.
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What is the manifestation I'm looking for concerning Seattle; DESTINATION. I'm taking the Amtrak train for a reason; what is it? Where do I want to end up? Why am I going.
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As I mentioned; taking the Amtrak train is a manifestation for train riding and that will be accomplished as soon as I start creating trips using the Amtrak.
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Going to Seattle? What for? I mean; I can take the Amtrak train to Kings station in Seattle; wait it out and come back the next morning on the train. Or; I can hop on a train to Portland and wait it out there or another train to get me home; transferring from one train to another. I never really have to go anywhere other then the train stations. That would satisfy the Amtrak part of the manifestation.
However, I seem to have an opportunity to go to Seattle but I'm not sure what it is; I can feel it; its a part of my life opening up through the use of the train; the experience on the train and my days in Seattle visiting; but what is it; thats what I'm going to work with the universe on.
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I'm not completely lost here; I'm also the go creator of my new life; so I have some say so of why I'm in Seattle. and a few areas have come up and I've mentioned them in other blogs.
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1. Middle ground experience. I mentioned about my apartment being the starting point destination. Next; the middle ground; This would include taking my new lap top on the train with me and working on music creation. That sounds like self actualization to me. Next; when i get off the train; I go to a COFFEE SHOP; and I sit in Seattle having coffee working on my music creation on my MacBook pro in the Middle of Seattle; Now that sounds like a great manifestation. That sounds like a kind of destiny. That sound like a destination. It feels like an alignment. However, Coffee shops are a bit weak. I mean. Yes; I'm trying to get to a building; a place and a Coffee shop seems to fit a basic concept of this but not the actual real bigger area or thought or feeling that's wanting to come out as a destination.
In my imagination and in my inner beings; maybe the universe had in mind for me to move there or meet someone there for a relationship or to get a job in Seattle or a whole new life and more money making or something or create new life. A house; a new place to live a new life yes! Well; I cant get there from here. I don't know. its a place that's not open yet. I'm also seeing allot of triggering sexual abuse and control by the controller who sexually abused me and controlled my life at the time. So; this is not fun.
I'm finding this Seattle thing a relief or answer to run from that sexual abuse; Gods way of creating a new life for me beyond the abuse thoughts. Yes; Maybe; I don't know.
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So; heres the question; what direction and I suppose to go; Well; More meditation. That the boring answer right now. What is my purpose. These things need to be established first and I've been purposely avoiding them... It hurts and it brings me back to a childhood I did not think I deserved to be apart of anymore. I felt worthless and not good enough to have a childhood.
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So; I'm slowly opening up the truth about how I really feel about myself. I was trained by the abusers to accept scraps and think I was of no more value and I'm afraid it worked; I was completely trauma bonded and now I would like a real life please; but Ill have to work for it with Gods help. Work to face the demands of the past and allow God to protect me and move on from them.
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So; A few interests.
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First;
1. concerning money. the continued efforts to have money consciousness and wealth. Meditations on wealth and money
2. Talent consciousness; The beginning of deliberate experimenting each day with the piano for creating something. Making this manifestation become physical. Watching it unfold into the physical; doing the pre liminary work before all this to allow it to naturally move in this alignment. All from God. I just pray and meditate...
3. Destination. I fell upon the opening of the concept of Destination when I mentioned going to Seattle on the Amtrak. But what does it mean; I mean; I feel upon a hidden alignment; to go to a place in Seattle. Is it about Seattle or is it about starting out at a place and going to a place and ending up at a destination at that place.
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Destination;
I stumbled upon Destination at the thought of going to Seattle on the Amtrak; What does this mean. it fees so right and the idea of a coffee house is a simulacra of its real meaning; but the real meaning is hidden; I cant get from here; its blocked. So its a caricature of Destination; However, the coffee shop thing does HIT IT! I mean; I'm on to something. Is it the beginning of a much bigger picture or am I in the end to end up in a much bigger building doing something much more important emotionally speaking. I don't know; Ill pray about this hidden gem I discovered.
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The Coffee shop is very representational; its to representational. It as so much close meaning to something else; I've discovered something here. its like uncovering an Ancient tomb of great Kings In the desert of Egypt. I stumbled upon it unknowing of what I had just discovered but I could feel it; its the beginning of something much greater. Does it represent the beginning of a new family within a house; as a destination point.
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I also found the idea of destination to be a manifestation. The idea of " DESTINATION" and its importance to my personal stability; this is also important and maybe one of the key importance's of my life's journey; The idea of going somewhere and knowing what that " Somewhere" is.
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What I discovered was DESTINATION and its importance to my future; it has great meaning and excitement. It starts at the end of the Amtrak ride; being he coffee shop visit in Seattle but its the beginning of a much wider larger picture of my future.
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I'm beginning to feel it; I'm feeling some of the secureness and hope when a child living on C street; my home when a child; the childhood stolen from me I had no idea was coming my way. None. No mention of it; but they knew the whole time; that's why there was no mention of it; nothing!
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When a child when I felt apart of things and wanted to do well in school; I'm starting to begin the feelings of that original self.
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Am I back? not by a long shot; but I'm in the solar system some where with the real hope of believing Ill come back. I mean; I could not get this far if I don't; Its impossible that I don't come back at some time.
What does all of this mean.
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Lets say I wanted to study mathematics in college; However, I've been so mentally ill I could not function to do anything other then ride bike outside the city.
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Let say I wanted to go to school and study mathematics; Nice idea but I was 2 broken and to many systems from PTSD, sexual abuse, dissociative disorder.
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However, one main area; I could not be close to anyone because I did not trust anything that moved around me; CPTSD; Long term PTSD impossible and no belief in self; nothing; completely wounded and destroyed person. Hermit; Agoraphobia of different ranges of different times; Impossible to be part of anything again.
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How am I now; Inside my apartment or outside.
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Inside my apartment; I have hope. I see things like doing well in school; I'm blocked from massive defenses; they would have to go.
However; I'm also blocked from playing the piano or making music
I'm also blocked from making money.
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So; these are massive defenses we are talking about. One thing I have going for me; I have much better mental condition then before and I'm enthusiastic about my future in some areas. h
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If the defenses were gone and it was just interest and no defenses; I might really try to get into something. Ill keep praying about it. Meaning taking classes of something I always wanted to be a part of; direction. I can see it happening if my systems go down to a point and no defenses.
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Defenses; This makes it almost impossible to go in the direction 0f the defenses at the same time they are working against me to protect me. They are protecting broken areas of me so.....
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I am showing signs of getting better and believing again; at least my attitude has really changed and shows signs of sanity. As for my symptoms; They have come down. They are not gone.
And I speak from a position of hope within my apartment.
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OUTSIDE;
Well; Today I have some goals; Hurrey! I mean; my goals in the past were to be medicated and to die; that's all I wanted or that's was all that was happening.. I was suicidal 2 thirds of my life.
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Today; I did get suicidal a three weeks ago month ago when I was having a bad reaction to the meds concerning my back; I just got out of the hospital and the meds did something; like flash backs and I started freaking out; I called the hospital and talked to a nurse; told her I was suicidal. She told me I could come into emergency room and talk to her... So... I'm still getting triggered at times; this was a drug induced situation tho. Legal drugs.
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I was looking at some of my goals; Amtrak train; going somewhere; felt good and interesting; but when I saw or thought about the money involved; it was 2 much reality for me. It was 2 much reality from within my apartment. So; that's how closely I'm affected by reality; I crawl up into a little ball and go away... My defenses; I'm crushed by anything out in the real world that can crush me; things like economics... And that's just being in my room I can feel that powerless and that its useless... And that's in my apartment.
So; the outside world is a much more steal cage like people for me. Its unwavering and vicious. I have little strength to stand up to it. I cant even be around it. I'm crushed just by the words of it.
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So; there's the reality outside. What does that mean; it means its much harder for me to do anything associated with the outside world; anything. I might come up with ideas in my apartment; but when its time to implement them for the outside world; its a solid wall going up in front of me and I cant move...
I have goals with the piano; Wait! I'm thinking and speaking from inside my apartment at the computer. but when it comes to the stresses of real life; what then. Can I function; So far; no; I'm already dissociated. What about making Art? Same thing! What about relationships; Same thing!
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What's different is my sane awareness of all this.
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I'm able to say that if I want something in the world its going to come from me and God helping me; not some figure from the past that owes me. I'm at least past most of that absolute insanity. And that is a form of delusional dissociated insanity because I'm suggesting first that Ghosts are going to fix something and those ghosts are not represented by real people anymore they are represented by my thoughts and how those thoughts trigger my feelings. So; We are not talking about anything even alive. We are talking about concepts of things.
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When I talk about I taking responsibility for the adult things I want to do; And there it is. Its about learning how; working with God; practicing when ready; understand I cant take on all that much. Ill work with God and try it; Its a form of rehab for me...
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I am a believer in the laws of attraction. Most in my condition I think are!
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I once said that if i knew what I wanted; getting the money was the easy part; well; I'm starting to show signs of what I want... So; now; I would like to learn how to manifest money... or the things I want.
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Lets talk about music
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Something wonderous has happened and something is missing. However, there is real hope here!
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First; asked the universe for purpose; what do I like to do right now that is exciting. right now; I could spend hours working on.
Well; Lately my piano wonderings have changed. I'm starting to actually take an interest in Piano or the piano.
What I'm interested in; Ostinato; pitting to rhythmic patterns together through different time signatures; basically its polyphonic or fugal sounding; a mix. EDM uses it in there music allot. Its really challenging and interesting. it has my interest. I'm interested in playing. I'm interested in creating. And I feel its possible. I mean. I don't have anything tied to it.
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I don't have to give an explanation; Ya know; it could have been playing bongos; the point is; I'm interested and I'm excited when I think about the exploration of such things. OKEY; That is magnificantor-licryishouzzzzzzzzz; This is good; its alignment and it feels right and introverted and safe. Yes!
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Problem; I have no Destination associated with music; and or ART. Nothing.
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This is a big big problem; but I think its because that is a further down the line issue dealing with my inner being. My inner being has not presented a such place yet. My head is in the clouds at that junction. Its like I can see railroad tracks leading up to it and away but at the place of the junction it starts fading out because of trauma and all the colors become mangled and I don't see anything; I'm not allowed to. My mind is lifted away.
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So; Destination of this music. What does it not mean. How about a music studio; Well; some aspects of that are speaking to me; cozy comfort and safety. But safety doesn't play into this. I mean when I think of a studio; I think safety is important but when I think of a music studio its not necessary something that would make me feel anymore safe then right now.
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Something about the end Destination might be how I feel about myself at a moment but it also has to do with a change of who I know and where I hang out I think? The problem is; I don't know. I cant see anything.
I was thinking of taking the train to Seattle and suddenly I saw myself going to a coffee shop in Seattle getting a new M1 MacBook pro and notation music software and just sitting in the coffee shop writing music. It has a real sense of personal power and individuality. It has a sense of destination; Its something I stumbled upon. I think it represents something in my life from my past or for the future. I don't know. However, its not a destination in music.
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I'm not sure what destination looks like in my personal music experience of interest. I don't yet; hopefully Ill work with God and find out.
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The problem is; I'm only starting on all of this. I've made some headway with purpose; I have to do allot more and learn to trust God; more meditational work; more prayer. Everyday.
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I kind of know what I want to happen; its kind of like getting my own life back; getting it back and owning it. learning to come n go where I want to that is safe; learning to leave when its unsafe. Getting into new environments.
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Learning to feel safe again in the right places; talk to God.
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So; I'm OKEY. I'm somewhere in between everything right now. All I can do is hold on and work through stuff and go to meetings.
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So; my number one interest is to work with God on discovering or manifesting a destination for my music interest. I have an authentic interest in music; I found it while playing the piano the other day; it actually had my interest. However; I found no ending position. No ending point; I see myself practicing what I enjoyed; but why! I mean; where does it all end; Fame; or prestige with other musicians? TO be admired to be discovered. To be loved and safe. To be taken care of; to be transferred into another world where I'm loved and respected.
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To have safe places to perform;' to have personal power or thought of independence; where do I imagine all of this to go; Where do I want it to go. I've had a for-thought concerning destination; I've been able to see it in my imagination; I don't know what it means; its not directly relative.
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I mentioned before about being at a coffee shop in another city; it seems a destination but I don't know why? I kind of get it; it reminds me of my childhood going to my relatives houses. Unfortunately I was never accepted by them; but I never knew this at the time. I found out the worst way possible just like everything else of that time.
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So; new feelings of purpose have been found. If I got up in the morning I would have something to practice that I loved doing and that excited me; but what's its end destination. I have to know. I think its more personal alignment I guess. To feel these feelings to the end; but what is the end; Is it the coffee shop I mentioned earlier? What represents this end; its frustrating. Ill keep working with God on it.
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Figuring out what new MacBook Pro configuration I want for music creation.
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My new self or new interests are leading me down a pathway. I have to keep working at it.
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I'm starting to see that new pathways are scary; I mean a new life because the needs I get met are not on old pathways; they are on all new pathways; when they say new; They mean new. Its not easy. I didn't want the people from the past; well; it looks like I wont be getting there pathways either; I mean; its all new so any familiar paths from the past; they go as well; all of them; ITs all new.
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The recovery process; not always nice people; some are cruel arrogant. Some are wicked mean. Some are sociopaths narcissists; some are genuine psychopaths. Enough trouble makers of all kinds so; its not easy after a long period of time. I've had to let lots of things go so could return to the recovery process and keep recovering; I'm just following my higher power. I've had numerous amounts of people disrespect me. ITs not fun. No way to defend ones self; accept to leave or stay away from the offenders. Violence is out unless one wants to be a constant criminal in the system; so it sucks. I've learned to survive it.
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I have a few new areas of interest that I want to grow. I have to work with the universe to grow more of them.
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I'm getting it; One of the areas I didn't see coming is; I have PTSD associated with areas not just people. I mean; My whole mind is associated to the living time period in junior high school and high school. At first its the people; but in a new city; it was also remembering the area that is triggering. I haven't forgotten it; in fact; I'm not sure I have any recovery from remembering it; and it triggers that place and time period and people; so; Ill have to learn to live without remembering it; I mean.
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I didn't realize; but I've gotten used to all of that being part of my human identity. Now; those PLACES have to go; the memories; and that brings me back to now; unfortunately it brings me back to when I was sexually abused... and that house and place and time period.
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So; Ill pray about all of this. Those time periods have to go and Ill try to work on the abuse of what they did. See myself being able to fight or get away; something. Anything.
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Working with God; God is taking me down all new pathways of places and people. ITs all new. and I'm asking for more; I seriously don't know much here. I have like 2 pathways I can speak of that are new that are coming out of me and they are not fully realized; there is no Ending point to them; no destination. Not yet. I don't know. I'm blank on some of them.
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So; Ill keep at it. I want to pray and meditate and find a solution to my music problem.
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I think one of the problems is; I've been depending on music creation as an identity for attention. That was its primary purpose; It had no other purpose; I wasn't interested.
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Now that I'm getting a little interested in music or piano; Rythm ideas; Suddenly I really like playing or pressing the keys with each hand and playing around with Rhythms; Its actually fun and I could make this challenging; Interesting; its got my interest. The problem is; I'm insecure and have bad thoughts associated with music creation. I wont to be free from that; until that happens; I wont be creating everyday; it brings up to much pain. I'm on to something new so; I would like to be free to just create and not worry that its for something or has to be created to impress or please others. It seems like its always about pleasing others but then I really didn't care much about anything and especially music; I was just goof'n fooling around ya know; just hitting some notes with my fingers; no nothing. But now that I'm getting a little interested; I mean; I want it safe I want it for myself and I want to know what I'm willing to create and where I go with it.
I've been throwing it around anymore with no real direction when playing; I never played any songs; I'm not sure I've ever learned one. I just kind of meander around and it satisfied my ability to escape and avoid. Then I would just stop and go away.
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Now that it has some interest to me and maybe some meaning; I'm kind a like; Ya know; Id like to pick a direction and do something with it. Meaning; explore that direction of interest; but I want to know where its going. I want to feel safe that I would perform somewhere safe. And I don't know what that's like. I want to see that complete in my head.
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So; Im on a change.....
Im starting the very very beginning processes of getting a new life.
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