July 2025
June 2025
I'm working with a higher power and meditation on everything and must continue.
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As I wake up; Im in Limbo land; the goal is; What is my purpose; and it can get drowned out by all this other mental stuff going on; And I knew this before going into this; I knew this would be a tuff situation to be in. However, Im not going down; im going upward. Im tried to hide as if going downward; its a very painful scary growing situation. its like being on an Amtrak train looking out the window at the tundra passing by and its the bad parts of my whole life; and Im triggered by all of it. However, Im safe in the train and at some point the train comes out of the fog into the sunshine.
What is happening; I still have a few faces from the past that are living with me; but I'm 2 awake and at some point they've got to go. And they are going; I still have to grieve them; grieve those monsters because that's what they were. Thats not fun. Other then that; the rest of the past is still a struggle but it seems I'm safety in the boat and not in the water anymore.
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I've spent my life insane and in the past and non functional. What's the first sign one is truly waking up to reality and part of life again after years of mental illness. " MY GOD HELP"! "EVERYTHING IS SO EXPENSIVE"!
"How much was the shuttle from Flagstaff Arizona; What?
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Ill keep praying about my trip to the Grand Canyon. I will; I wont give it up. Ill try to align it with my inner being; but I don't know. Its starting to get frustrating and confusing. It seems like the basic simple 2 n fro transportation is more expensive then the whole trip at some point. I mean; its like; How much to rent a car from Flagstaff! If I'm on Amtrak; I'm limited to choices of travel after I get there. Meaning; I'm a solo act; How to do travel to the next town for cheap; buy a used car? Its crazy. Thats if I can get a place to stay. It might be a better idea to get all the money together first and then put in for hotels and stuff a year in advance... I guess. I might be way over my head right now. So; Ill have to see what the universe wants me to do.
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The universe wanted me to travel on trains and the Amtrak does this very well and for good money. I mean; I can go to LA for 150 bucks; but that does not seem to be the problem; The problem is; I'm on foot. Where do I go from here. What would I do there? Is it even safe. Yes; bus systems.
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Ill pray about what all of this is about. I might be getting way off track and thinking 2 much. What was my inner beings original idea... Go to Seattle for 50 bucks on Amtrak and look around. Go to a coffee shop; get a room; get back on the train in the morning and come home! is that it. What I'm feeling is; keep studying; I think I'm half way through for the first round; I'm missing something.
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All the cool things to see in Seattle. I've all ready seen them. What am I suppose to do there. What is this all about. I thought it was about the trains. In fact; that might be what this is all about. its about the destinations. I mean; getting off the train; having coffee somewhere; getting back on the train and coming home. its about the trains and traveling. Ill do more vids and stuff and keep working with a higher power.
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Ive never been on that train; so Ill see what the universe has in mind for me. Ill pray about it.
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MONEY! Where have I been!
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With my soul unlocked a bit and more present; I want to go place in the here n now; do things in the here n now; what are they; what do they cost. Where am I suppose to go.
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I mentioned in another blog; I'm moving into feeling like my apartment is mine; and the middle balance are things like my interests in the arts and creating and taking that fun on the train and exploring it while on the train and heading to a city; notice I did not call the city a destination because its not; its what's in the city; that's my destination. I mentioned coffee shops as a destination; Why? cheap and I can bring my laptop and creating in my notation program.
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When I mentioned about going to the Grand Canyon. Technically I can go for one day. For a few hours. it might be all that I'm suppose to do; but not yet. Ill talk to God about it.
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But that's a hard egg to crack; Grand Canyon because of the transportation to and fro the nearest Amtrak city. And the price of Hotels and such. If one can even find one. It kind of put a damper on all my plans; but what are my inner beings plans for me; that is what I must align to; and I mentioned; Grand canyon was never aligned; I mean never did it ever fall in front of me ever. So; maybe that's not where my inner being wants me to be.
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I never aligned a car.... a flat out wall existed because I was never taken on a journey for the money for everything to take care of the car. And I was never appropriately shown a way to have the money to buy the car or one given to me; Nothing. If I got money; was I suppose to spend it on a car or go on a vacation trip???????? I never got any answers from the universe concerning it. And it just died away. I'm afraid the Grand Canyon trip is the same way. I'm thinking that maybe before I die maybe the universe will bring someone into my life that wants me to go with them on a trip and pay for it. Something like that; from the universe. I don't know.
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I'm guessing the universe is not the one putting my mind on the Grand Canyon; I am. So; its back to getting in touch with what the universe wants me to do.
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It was fun; I don't know. I saw a kind of desk fall in front of me; it seems from my inner being; but I'm not getting any signals on how to pay for it. So/ in my meditations something is deathly wrong. I'm dreaming of having things and going places but there's no money. Meaning; it does not seem that I'm actually manifesting anything but the thought. and the thought is aligning but no more.
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If the universe and my inner being want me to have these things; they will pay for them. All of them. So far; not much has happened. All I can do is get it out of my mind. Put it all out of my mind until the universe creates avenues where this type of living is paid for; and if the universe does not; Then I'm wondering what the universe wants me to do.
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Things have to unfold.
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I remember once wanting a truck; I got everything else; it was not good enough for me; its not what I asked for; so I declined all things.
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Ill have to learn to live with the direction input of my inner being on what I'm suppose to do with my life.
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I've lost complete interest in the Grand Canyon; its been ruined. The whole episode of interest. So like the car; Ill just let it go. Was I suppose to fight for it! I mean. I don't get it; it feels more like slavery. If the universe wanted it for me It would align it and find away for it to happen. That did not happen. it never aligned. Even if it did align at some point; that's not enough; the universe has to pay for it.
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Am i really suppose to be dealing with all of this right now; was that getting me better by going through the possibilities of the grand canyon; It doesn't feel like it. it helped my fantasy of thinking I was in control of something and then it was ruined.
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Yet one more thing gone. Thats how I see it. I mean; if I had all the money in the world all of these things would not even be brought up.
I'm not seeing the universe aligning anything.
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I'm not interested in the universe aligning something and not paying for it; paying for it is part of the alignment. I just stop.
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The problem is; I'm not sure what to do here. I guess Ill keep meditation but I'm not seeing anything show up. I'm not aligning anything. I don't get it.
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Online; the coaches that talk about attracting money; Their talking about people who are all ready working and making money; not people who don't have any money.
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I'm not sure how I'm suppose to start; I don't think its with a 6 thousand dollar trip to the Grand Canyon... I read somewhere where it suppose to cost about 2200 bucks to go to the Grand Canyon; I'm like; What? Thats if you all ready have housing set up. I guess. I don't know. I'm not sure what is going on here. I'm not sure what direction the universe is sending me or why! But at some point I pull back and I'm not going that direction anymore.
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What about about music. Ill pray about it. But.... IT all seems to hit this same wall. If the universe does not follow through; I drop it.
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I am getting better but I don't get it. I don't understand....
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Even if I got money; I would not know what direction to go with it. Its not enough for anything. Kind of.
What's the next thing I'm suppose to do. What direction.
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What am I suppose to do. Its like a giant wall. Ill pray and meditate I guess. Thats what I get from vids on the internet.
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What's my next spiritual step. What am I suppose to do or go toward. I mean; it doesn't have to be about money. But; My imagination takes over and I think its from the universe or my inner being. But its not.
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Was looking at trains just wishful thinking. I mean. Was I just suppose to get on a train; end up somewhere; Id have to get a hotel room for the night; and then come home; is that it. Maybe that's all I'm suppose to do or was ever suppose to do! I don't know.
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All the things I want to do take money. So; altho hard; this cant be the way the universe really wants me to go. There must be another way. Some other pathway I'm missing.
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I have to make meditation a regular thing... I have to try.
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So I hit the skids for a little while; and read some things and got back up. I read something about tired dying souls! I've actually had a destroyed soul; so I know. What was interesting was; it said You are living to escape and living in the past but you get into trouble because you must also be in the present; And then I stopped and I realized; I don't live in the past anymore; and for the first time in a long time; That did not describe me. it described something similar as I get better.
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I get triggered and give up quickly on things and confused. Im trying to learn how to build a life not throw it away. As for having a tired dead soul. Hm? Im heading in the other direction; that's kind of the problem; but its not. I get overwhelmed and confused.
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They said I should go on a vacation; LOL; that's what Ive been complaining about the whole time in this blog.
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Im right before things change I think. Its just to early right now. Im in Limbo Land and I have to just hang on with a scrambled mind until I start doing things again.
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Its really important to keep meditating; this whole thing is not easy. But I am heading upward. Its just terrifying because I get triggered and think I've fallen again and lost; I get triggered and terrified by the triggers. Im all ready feeling better.
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As for the trains. I've mentioned taking these multi thousand dollar trips and I'm mad that God did not follow through on them yet! However, I feel I could just as easily accomplish the next task by taking a train ride to Seattle for 50 bucks; go through Portland and come home; round trip.
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There is a lonely quotient to all of this. I mean; there is a real aloneness to this; but one thing I now; I may only have to show up to a train station and see the trains; that might be all my soul needs.
I have to work with the universe.
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OKEY; went to a meeting; feel a little better; was able to talk to the person who gave me a ride.
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So; I have to step away from my own thinking and meditate and work with God on getting back inline with the guiding parts of self and the universe and head toward the light. Head toward my inner being... Head toward my purpose.
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My dissociative condition still leaves me skyzo. I cant deal with the edge of frontal reality with all this PTSD. Its like a thin TV screen always playing of a war... if I can look through it I can realize I'm actually in reality. I don't know; I'm becoming someone new... So; I don't know what is going on and I probably wont for a year.
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So; I just did a purposeful meditation. I'm also starting to see really bad people come out or get near me. This is a sign. And some at the meetings; real hate or disgust contempt. They are starting to show up around me; this is a sign I'm moving out from among them. I'm moving forward. Most around me are 2 stupid to know I know. Some attempt to get my trust when in reality its pure hatred from them; usually thugs or women who think they are superior and I I don't think about them at all; they mean nothing to me.
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Not through yet; I have to have a grounding in money consciousness. It has to keep growing and growing but first I have to get a foothold in the concept. A foundation. I have to be reminded of it all the time; everyday.... working toward it as a goal.
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