July 2025
June 2025
Installment 39
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Im getting better;
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The important aspect of this writing of fringe is about goals and the slow movement forward of how to proceed with such ideas for a better’ment of self.
The goal is the refinement and understanding of how to set goals and there inner workings within my imagination; to practice those inner workings within my imagination until a clarity of confidence occurs. In a sense; until I can say “You Got This”! Or “ I got this”; and this is a statement of completion and confidence. This means; working on this all the time; on these steps to my goals within my head.
The goal is to refrain the emotions and triggerings; refrain! Pull back; start over again; chill; pull back and go general; chill; start over again; meaning; within my imagination or in the real world task while taking action with a goal; pull back if the emotions are triggered; this is not about emotions; this is about work; getting the job done.
The goal is to look at a goal as work; not emotion and get the job done.. success; to succeed; that is the goal.
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Look at the Wright brothers; They created flight; one might say figuratively; for the rest of us. They had a goal… They worked with God and accomplished that Goal. I believe they worked with a higher power; Ill assume they did or for my story Ill believe they did. Ive never studied them; so I don’t know; but it fits my view and story to have a Wright brother concept and with a God and Universe they turned to. Ill go with that for the sake of my viewed intent.
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SO; This blog is about goal setting and the realities of it; working with the universe and setting goals together with the universe.
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Im remembering when I did Art when I was young; taking my art media drawing book and pens or markers and creating Art. I felt safe enough to go places… I remember. It does hurt to write about it. But Im remembering the memories.
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So;
Im a broken person on the left side of the anxiety wall; as Ive been all my life. Today its much better; well; different?;
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It was bad enough; better to be dead or in heaven; Thats how it used to be; Ive strengthened since then.
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I live on the left side of the anxiety wall; the wall has a depth; lets say 10 feet in deep. On the other side of the wall is the left side of the wall; this is freedom.
However, Ive also absorbed into the anxiety wall and made it to the right inner area of the anxiety wall where I set up camp. I created a good hooked stronghold at that point within the wall. From there; I moved out toward the left side of the wall; coming out of the wall onto the left side. Once on the left side of the wall; I began to send out rockets of desire; these were thrown out for long distances. And with that; The universe brought me a way of finding those rockets in the distance; I was given goals; goals and the steps to goals or through goals to my destinations.
I've made inroads for awhile now; first test and successfully making new creations in a new life outside on the other RIGHT side of the anxiety wall; a place of openness and freedom. Ive done a little exploration.
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I've made enough proven experiments out on the right side of the anxiety wall that a solid foundation has been built to continue to send out rockets of interest to the outside of the wall; to the right.
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The Right side of the anxiety wall is the free side; the life side is the dungeon; I've now been able to send many hooks into life again on the right side of the wall from the wall.
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I'm still on the left side of the wall and absorbed in the middle of the wall; PTSD is triggered all the time.
Dissociation comes from severe PTSD and avoidance. Avoidance is being challenged by my NEW ME!
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I'm beginning to feel and see a steady consistent difference in my life because I'm living a new life; the beginning of one. Or experimenting with such things.
Never in this life time would that ever happen would I ever think that would happen; I thought I would be trapped on the left side of that anxiety wall for ever. Most of the people in the world Ive met or heard about are; I don’t here about to many making it past that wall. I am; I don’t here of to many others; but I have.
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My work in recovery;
God; support in meetings and most importantly the success based thinking processes ive studies; learning about how Billionaires think; and emulating it; studying it; trying it and using it as a positive thinking process; because of this I've learned how to set goals and stay with them.
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I haven't really used these processes for money yet or anything like that; my interest and focus has been on mental health 100%. However, mental health has also meant having things and living a bit better life; Things have shown up legally. I have experimented with the idea of attracting money; and some has appeared? However, Ive not put out the effort for success in this area; mainly because mental health and those things that bring it are more important. Ive also focused on my talents; getting back my talents; music and art and the ability to participate in and with those talents. Thus is forth coming. Art has arrived; Im now working on music creation to arrive; it will be awhile.
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The most important aspect of the goal process right now is the enlightened understanding and workability of the goal process; I call it platform hopping. Platforms are steps to my goal. I imagine them in first person point of view; walking from a starting gate to each platform and then the other and the next and the next and the next until I'm at my goal. I then switch the perspective to the outside world; I attempt something in the real world; I take action or some action. I'm using this method with my music creation right now; It is crudely working; and I will continue at this goal work; and as I get better at this and stronger at this process it will have more effect on a daily basis toward my goals.
The Goal Process is more important then the goal; obtaining the goal; for now!
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The work process is the goal. However, working at the goal is actually more important; that is why The universe sent me a workable process to achieve everyday basic goals and goals that start right now. Meaning; when I get up in the morning; I have a process that I can start at (right now) real change immediately.
I can plan a system to accomplish my musical goals and after visualizing or writing out the frame work on paper; I can start a week later. And that's what I've done.
I'm just starting. I've been working with this strengthened concept for a few months and I've just started applying it to music; creating a step by step interest in my musical experience that smashes the anxiety wall; works through to the other side; just like taking an automobile and driving through the wall.
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I'm now exploring on the other side of the wall; the Right side of the wall. Ive made it through for a few moments at a time. Its getting stronger. I still feel the radiation of the anxiety so I cant live in that wall for ever and operate; I must keep at my goals.
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One important aspect of goal setting is; I must become a different person then where I'm at right now in order to accomplish the goals. So with the universe helping me and God universe is helping me all the way; its from the universe all of this info is happening; I become a more confident person. Its all great;
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problems; Grieving sadness trauma from the past triggering me when going forward; moving forward with my dreams of learning how to start and finish.
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TO much exposure to reality and I want to hide in my room; and this type of de compensation is happening all the time; its rough on me. Sometimes I push to hard; mental illness shuts me down. Shuts me down for long periods of time; CPTSD burnout.
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Its exhausting to co create my new life and deal with my old life and mental illness and work with God at the same time; its like having my energy go into 2 opposite areas; one for healing; the other for protection; the other for creating a new life… Its all 2 much at certain points or at some point its all to much all the time but I keep going.
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Anyway; I'm not interested in the negative of why I cant do something because!
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I'm working with my music and ive burned out on interacting with things ; interacting is horrible with Dissociative disorder; its way to much reality; to much stress on a torn up nervous system; a ruptured nervous system. I don’t want to touch anything; Ive already been ruptured.
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Music; so far; I can see myself braking the music process down into 10 parts(platforms); I call parts, platforms. In my imagination I walk to a platform and consider it the first part of a goal; and Ill move on to the next platform.
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And Ill brake a platform down into 10 smaller mini platforms; and in my imagination I walk to each one and cheering squad cheers me on when I do so; then I walk to another and so on.
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its my opinion, with this type of process I will be able to accomplish my music goals; at least I can create something and perform it; if I work at this stuff a bit everyday; I think this will work; I don’t know; Ill work at it everyday; and I believe it will; and what a glorious feeling that will be when it happens and Ive performed something I wrote. Just to work through the anxiety fear wall; Pain wall! working at it and it and get it done. Lots of anger and strife and disgust and hatred and envy and jealously. All kind of stuff and problems associated around music that has kept me in fear and contempt. Sexual abusers and sexual abuse surrounding this.
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What about people?
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After music; I plan to use this for people; setting goal for attracting and finding the right people and the right group of people… and Dating. For finding or attracting people of my designed clan and people that care about me.
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Ive spent my life making innocent mistakes on who I meet; Im an empath and see to much value in the wrong people or I ignore the warning signs. I find myself in with the wrong people trying to see them as the right people and they were never the right people to start with. What I want; to be with people that care about me.
Its dangerous to be around the wrong people; they will attack at some point or deceive and destroy.
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At the Meeting tonight!
I was at a meeting tonight; I got allot out of it; I didn’t like being crowded into a corner; I have to remember the kinds of people Im dealing with.
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I ended up moving a few times; and ended up around a few women that I don’t feel safe around or trust or like. I don’t trust them at all for good reason. I feel like Im not of interest to them; so Im not interested; but I do feel like they will abuse my privilege or try to manipulate me if they can; with hate on there lips. Meaning; they have contempt for me but they will try to male shame me if they can. So; But I felt so odd. I didn’t feel good about myself being anywhere near anyone that could take advantage of me. It seemed like no matter where those people sat I couldn’t find a safe corner to hide in; but I did get up and move; so; its a start.
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I felt that sick feeling squirrelly inside.
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I don’t want to be around people that don’t care about me. I don’t want to deal with them or put up with people that don’t care about me; or who don’t respect me because they don’t have to; no law says they have to; However, no law says I have to be with in 100 miles of them; and I hated getting up and sitting down in a new place to get away from the rude behavior of others not respecting social boundaries. Most men know better when dealing with men.
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However; to get away from these men; I ended up closer to these women as I found a new place to sit. IT seems like with women; like these; its about every guy must want them regardless and so; Im like; DO I really have to deal with this?
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So it was a hard meeting; However, socially; I really felt the dissociative disorder and the AVPD and the anxiety disorder… I felt so squirrelly
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Maybe I felt put upon and didn’t really like being there. However, I felt dissociated; Im not an extrovert nor did I want to be with these women; I did not want them as my friends; I attract people; I don’t chase people. I like people to respect me; I could care less about anything else; So; that means they needed to be educated enough to respect who they are talking to. These women do not respect me; they laugh at me with contempt… even if ive never seen them laugh out loud at me. And I don’t feel safe with these specific women.
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They throw out the bait to get slapped; as if Im a retard that would actually fall for it; I hate being around people like this; they set traps for people they think are retards or dumb; people they have no respect for. Thats why I don’t like them or like being around them; But tonight; I wondered.
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Ill pray for the people who care about me to show up around me…
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For the record; I have had people show up around me that cared about me. The universe has sent people that are at my wave length.
The problem is; its at the meetings and thats not where I want to meet people. But thats the only place I socially visit.
Obviously changes have to accure
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I was blaming these women for something; that means im blaming them for how I feel inside. Well; I don’t like them or there behavior. I don’t feel safe and I get triggered by it. Ive dealt with them before. They act friendly but think they are superior and if I fall for this trap I get caught in some kind of male shame basing; Im made to look like a fool or controlled; Something. People who do this do not have any respect for anything. So; I don’t like them around me. They are out to cause trouble for decent people.
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Not sure what Im saying here accept after my music goals comes relational goals and That is going to get bizarre; I don’t know.
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I have to lose weight; Im getting used to being over weight and carrying it around with me…
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The key is to pray for the ability to be the kind of person the people in the world that would care about me can show up around; to rise above to a frequency that caring people can find me.
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Im bothered why these women bothered me; Other guys were in the room; they didn’t take any notice of these women; nothing. I don’t trust anyone; never have; never will. They don’t respect me so I want nothing to do with them or there passive aggressive signals.. or male shaming or what ever; I just don’t want them or it around me. I want to be left alone so I can recover.
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I could leave; leave the meeting and that would solve the problem. IT was justs an awkward social experience tonight.
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Maybe Im not developed and they are more mature then I am and I cant fight back because of my maturity; even tho they are younger then I am.
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Ill pray about all of this; because at some point I want answers to my social problems and for not standing up for myself. And I pray to be around the right people.
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So; Goals are of interest and the process to attain success at goal setting and Im seeing social relational stuff bleeding over; into the next chapter of my life.
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