July 2025
June 2025
Installment 37; In Limbo Land; Music creation
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This blog is about music creation. Hopefully I can fill it up specifically about that and a few other things.
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First; I'm beginning to see in my imagination; as it expands; asking some friends to go with me on a train ride to the big city; Ill keep working with the universe on this; it would be my first train ride since a small child; its my first train ride since working with my inner being on this subject.
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Music;
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I got my computer stuff set up on 2 fronts. PC for computer games/ Art/ General use except Facebook stuff. This computer sits on my cool wonderous Art desk; stuff I've been talking talking about in my blogs up to this point; what is really cool; the solidness of this drafting/Art desk; its low height of 27inch; and that cool crayon ink pen/marker pencil tray that spans the length of the desk; it sits in front right under the front ridge of the desk; grab a crayon and play with it on paper; with easel sitting to the right partly sitting on the table top of the desk; I just grab a pen and start drawing; put the pen back start gaming or writing or what ever with the computer.
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So; I have Notation software on this computer with 27inch monitor. I have a few DAw's; Digital Audio workstations for recording or creating beats n stuff.
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Will I add more to this set up for music; Hmm? maybe not! I might get another music midi keyboard; a small one for the desk.
Although I've ran a midi keyboard to the side; on the left side of the desk and the concept worked out; I opted out on this idea; For this is a gaming pc and an art pc; but not a music pC. So; For the sake of keeping this space specific to its intended use and nature; I will not have a musical synth or midi board or digital piano next to it; But I might. I might Have a synth here; maybe. however, it would have to have its own recording ability. So; digital piano or synth... Yes; I would do that; but I don't want anything hooked up to the PC; I just don't because this is not where I want the work to be.
And with that!!@!!
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In the adjoining room;' I have another desk; This is the music station; keyboard and desk and mac book pro M1 and extra monitor; running Logic. And in the future; what other music software I want to use; but nothing else; I do have an art program on it; so; when I go train riding; I taking my MacBook and maybe have a few games on board; an art program and notation program or beat making program like FL Studios.
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So; IVe experimented and graduated through experience to 100% accept the 2 individual desk computer set up instead of mixing both machines on one desk.
I originally wanted one computer for music and bought that/set that up; However, found myself wanting to set up music creation stuff for my PC as well; and the answer is NO! Ill keep a few music software packages on the PC and that's all. I can write some beats; I can write some notation compositions and that's it from that gaming PC.
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The music set up on the other desk will allow me to build a mini music studio freely to any standard I wish.
Thus; the Art/Gaming computer has one purpose; the music computer in the other room has one purpose.
If I get bored and want to play the piano and record it; Ill have to get up; go to the other room; fire it up; And play piano hooked up the the mac computer. and that's the way it rolls. No combining my Gaming computer into a full on music experience; that's not what its for.
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Ill have to learn to be more disciplined and play the midi keyboard in the other room hooked up to the mac for music piano creation experience ; Why is this commandment so important? because I was cheating; I was pulling a music keyboard; hooking it up to my PC experience. And I don't need or want to do that. What I really want is; I want the Art computer space for just that and nothing else. And I want the music space for nothing else just music creation. The problem was; I'm lazy; Ill have to learn to go to the music computer to play music. However,.
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However;
I can see a digital piano or synth set up to the left of me at my art desk; if its all self contained. I just reach the left and start playing and fooling around with music. Just like fooling around on the art canvas to the right of me. I could see a digital piano with midi recorder or synth work station of some sort; something; we will see. I don't know yet.
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I do know I must start using my mac in the other room for music; that's why I bought it!
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However, Ill look into the idea of self contained piano next to me; I didn't like the idea of it hooked up to this pc; but a self contained spontaneous experience sounds good;
Hey; How about an extra monitor hooked up with a key board next to me on the right but running into the other room with the mac. That would be cool to; I just don't want it hooked into my PC gaming machine; This machine is comfortably established art gaming space; I dont want it ruined. Ill look into that as well.
I didn't like the idea of the music desk sitting next to the Art desk in the main living room.
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So; I dragged my one keyboard back into the music desk area; hooked it up and am ready to play it for the first time with my new mac and new computer.
The idea to start with; just free playing and record ideas I'm spontaneous with. Tried this with the PC and it worked; I didn't like the sounds of Grand Pianos from the software I have; and at times latency was an issue with some Digital Audio workstation software on PC; its just a start. Logic and garage band work great; both on the mac. The PC needs an audio interface; was looking at that but it also gave me the opportunity to just bag the whole idea with the PC and focus on the mac computer for music because that's why i bought it.
The thing about the PC is; its a very comfortable chair desk height combination and the desk is really nice and I have my art canvas to the right side I just grab art pens from the front holder and writing on the canvas or draw on it; put the pens back and put on game or something at the computer; its all so ergonomically working.
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SO; I'm just about to play the midi keyboard with Garage band software on the mac; This is really important because I've spent the last few weeks fooling around with keyboards at the PC because I just wasn't ready for the mac; I knew once honed in on the mac and moving forward with it; Id be moving into the next level of music experience the universe set up for me.
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So; I'm now ready to begin it; at least try it with the new mac and see how things run. Ill; free play on the midi digital piano that's hooked up to the MacBook pro; It will record while I'm playing; Ill record lots of ideas over n over; Ill then take my field recorder outside and record sounds; Ill come back; get my notation software out; listen to the field recorder files I had recorded outside; outside sounds; then; listen to my piano ideas and start writing a composition in the notation program.
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Ill create something of three movements and experiment; free experimental. ...
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The idea; write a composition; memorize it; play it on a piano somewhere after being memorized. Next; create a pop song with words; memorized it; write it up; go sing it at a piano somewhere.
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The rest of me; my nervous system has taken a beating working up to this point; its not easy crossing these levels of self to a point of self actualization; its happening; meaning; creating music for live playing; memorize it; go play it.
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Note; I can feel relationships wanting to seep in; my imagination is bringing up all kinds of past stuff I remember... So; things are moving forward.
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I'm slowly moving beyond the original Paradigm shift; about 2 months ago it happened.
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How do I feel about getting into music!
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I feel dumb and not worthy; I feel angry like I should be further in life then this. I'm also starting to feel the authentic feelings of when a boy; the dreams I had; They may be able to happen in todays world; Maybe.
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Its scary all of this; but I am seeing a weight change of focus; meaning; the major weight of interest is in focusing on seeing myself performing with Cool stuff and cool sounds on stage and stuff...
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I also feel great sorrow for a life unlived for so many vast years. THe imaginational things Im dreaming about now; I was dreaming about when I 6 n 7 n 8. So; the real me is coming back; but its been so long it really hurts; I mean; I feel like a movie subject that lost his life and is now remembering and learning how to regain it; Like a movie about a soldier knocked out and damaged during a war and suddenly wakes up after 50 years; only to remember his prior life before the war and all of that is gone. Now he must work with God to start over again; And there it is; the same kind of feeling; the same kind of thing; the same framework of a life. So; Im working with GOd to get back inline with my original life. I was a child put to sleep; Now Im a child waking up.
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Pain Horror and Torture. However; remembering my life; I remember what was done to me and what was left of me; nothing. I no longer functioned at any level. So; I hate that part of this.
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Music;
So; ive started playing the piano at the macbookpro with soft synth piano; working. Ill keep it up. Its a bit scary.
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Anxiety disorder/PTSD or CPSTD
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My anxiety levels are high from reliving things from the past over n over n over; I go outside its insane. Goals will see me through.
When Im working on my goals; its like creating a blue print over the PTSD world; its torture; However, at this point Im doing both at the same time and surviving. I mean; Im triggered to death but smoothly moving forward with my goal on top! Well; Smooth aint the word for it; Its just they are separate beings; the fire and safety walkway above it. One is a furnace and the other is mathmatica.
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So; I have both going on.
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THe key for me is Goals. My goals are like a mathmatic. THey are blue prints. THey stretch over time and place and function; they are a walking sheath; something to walk on; to follow; to follow signs... Stop go Stop go Stop go...
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It is working. At time the heat from the furnace of nerves underneath flares up like a sun spot and fire breaths through the thin wiring of the goal above it; the walking black dark blue and silver sheath; the walking sheath is the goal above it. Its a kind of schematic; a mechanical engineering blue print; the kind that used to be on old drafting tables printed on mylar.
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The point is; I have to stop when the spot Im heading to has fire breathing flames coming through it; I must stop and wait; chill; cant go any further; do something else; when it settles down I can return and walk over it; continuing down my path. And this is constant; and it is torture and fear. But Im Okay while heading down my path regardless of how hard it is. Im not scared anymore of it being hard. THrough experience; I have found that Im OKay.
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I believe with a succession of goals I can do anything. What does this mean; does it mean I can be the Pres of US; Yes; maybe; maybe not; I dont know what the universe is bringing me. For me; it has a more humbling nature; it simply means I can accomplish what a traditional family was suppose to show me how to be; Working with God; Im now showing me how to be as God is instructing my inner being. I thus meditate and get in touch with my inner being and listen!! What used to baffle me; not anymore; the universe implants new universal answers; the path to least resistance to my wishes.
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Yes; I can have what ever I want.
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As for goals; Im suggesting that when I was defeated before when young; I dont have to be defeated anymore; I don't crawl up in a ball anymore when I get stopped; today I know new tricks; I'm standing; I stop and analyze the situation an wait; I meditate; I go to a meeting; a recovery meeting; Im fine. I chill. I wait; I go general and change my thinking to something pleasant for awhile and when ready; I start creating in my imagination again; my goals.
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Today Im learning about goals; that is my focus. When I have a large river to cross; one might say; its broken down into 8 smaller platforms for me to hop on hope off ( like a hop on hop off bus In Portland and Seattle) and over to the next; all the way across the river or lake or what ever it is; I imagine I start at the shore and run across the water to the first platform and then the second and third and so on until Im across the water. And I always have a cheering section on every platform I make it to.
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My goals are out in front of me; not behind me or in yesterday. Ive been afforded by God to be allowed to focus on things out in front of me because Ive done the work concerning those things from the beginning of me from yesterday...Ive worked on the past and altho the door is opened to the past; Ive moved on; my focus is now on my future and the present; So; now that Ive opened up the space clouds of old star ships and walked their decks in Salome depravity and come out as a strait edged arrow seeker; the path is somewhat smooth and nicey and calmingly gray these days; with blurred corners and the feeling of different colored grandma's holding milk shakes made out of chocolates chip cookies hiding in every wall picture and paint; My focus is on my future. its out in front of me; I would like to perfect.
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So; my focus is on whats in front of me; What Im looking forward to. Thats what im attempting to train my focus on; However; CPTSD rots this idea; destroys it; disease's the whole prospect. So; Im not great fear stress; its like a giant furnace from below me; I attempt to move forward through the heat from this giant furnace; Its like walking on a safety walk propelled many leagues above the sun. However, its dangerous; the heat is bad enough as I walk above the oven planet; but when the sun spots eject; there is only billowing fire like psychopathic dragon with to much Hennessey under its belt.
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So' Im starting to believe; Im believing in the system that GOd brought me. Im becoming one of the Wright Brothers.
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Orville Wright and Wilbur Wright and Omnicell Wright! Im the third brother. ANd there it is.
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I have the system.
WHy is this system so important; My System is allowing me to fly where others cannot. I am able to function without a family system and from a broken destroyed background. Impossible; except for me!
I have a system of GOd Universe Goals( like the goals of a rich man); and support; and they are elevating me above the world.
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Now; I must work with this goal concept as GOd and I are both the creators and the leaders hand n hand.
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Im just starting; Im now heading outward just a bit on my own; very hard on my nervous system; hard stuff.
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I can have anything; Meaning; I can find the right wife or be the right person for a wife; I can be a creative musical and art force of success; What does that mean; it means between me and God; we can both agree that I can become an experiment seeking money success or relational success or book smart success; what ever I chose to experiment with; I can be an experiencing artist or writer or musician composer if I want to; in the face of all the negative horror and damage. This is all about the restoration of believing again! I have no idea what it means in the real world. Right now its about working from the beginning of a goal to seeing it through; and that is many many steps regardless of the subject; Yet; that inner working Im getting. ITs a truly great thing because this is what I was expecting from my parents; instead; my parents allowed me to be tortured and destroyed; if I even stayed alive or had any interest in such things; I was a dead coffin walking around lost hopelessly; completely torn to pieces and dysfunctional; skizo at best. No future; not present anymore; cant function cant work; no relationships and no desire to be here anymore.
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I was bleeding over into being a criminal a drug addict and alcoholic; I was as very close to a psychopath; an induced psychopath/sociopath psychotic; and I still have that deeper sub human tempered death spiritus from being killed and raped and tortured for to long and in various ways; I was ripped to pieces and murdered; left for dead; and others; that called me their friend; couldnt wait to never see me again and shut the door in my face as they did Marry when having her child Jesus and as Jesus was being destroyed on the cross! Nice 2 faced lot...
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Now; Im like the Wright brothers; Im seeking answers from the stars and I see a solid destiny for myself; what ever that means; I dont know everything about it yet; its to early to tell.
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Paltforms; In my imagination;
Goal; Meaning; In my imagination I walk from a starting gate to the first platform; and it has a name and it means something; I make it to the platform and the crowd cheers and I and the crowd go wild! ANd I do a flip summer sault twist in the air and land as the introduction man consummate performer of confidence. And then Its off walking step by step to the next platform; I watch my legs and feet as I look down taking each step; I see it in first person point of view and I count them out loud; slowly making my way to the next platform inline of my goals. Each platform is a section/step of the goal; destination to the goal.
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For music; its about 6-7 main platforms. First; get the equipment set up; next; practice free style playing on the piano; just free piano recording it when I want to. Next; start writing things down in notation program and writing and finishing a piano piece; Next; start writing pop song where I sing and play. Next write lyrics. Next finish the pieces and start practicing them; next; memorize them; next perform them; and there it is.
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Each platform has 10 steps to it; to accomplishing a platform. I visualize all things and write up stories of all these things; stories of success before I get there.
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I must tell people about the system God has given me; I tell it all the time at meetings; all the time; sharing where I'm at and how to get there. That is giving back to other and I pray I have enough courage to help the still suffering people that go to the recovery places for help as I go there for help; when they step in; I open up and talk...
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I dont know much.. I only know what has been given to me and what Ive tried.
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I get to practice this; this development; its like I was 8 years old in the backyard practicing something for my development. .
Im learning how to own myself through my goals... Im goaling myself back to reality; to the equal of a whole person or starter pack; like most people who got a fair shake at life; at things; Ive now been given the secret to work my way into a new way of thinking and while practicing new things based on that new way of thinking; its creating a new life based on being a new being... Im a new being practicing new things in the backyard; Im 8 years old again with no history except I remember something about ( Before); Something I dont want to know; something I never want to go back through. But this new person only knews new things; things Im looking forward to; literally ( Looking Forward). Ive been given the gift now; of focusing on what I want to create in front of me. and its no easy task; CPTSD; so triggered; my GOd!
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Ill make it. Everything is broken down into platforms; Ill make it.
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Next step with music is; A few things.
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1. Finish a piano piece with a section of fugue element.
2. Finish pop song with lyrics
3. Write up and compose some experimental classical stuff with sections and abstract words and stuff. Free form modern classical stuff; Yes; that would be fun.
Good place to start!
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