July 2025
June 2025
Installment 33; In Limbo Land; Paradigm shift; going outside;
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Ive written this thing about 7 times; but never posting; just erasing it all...
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Lyrics;
OK;
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So; I write lyrics; what for; what am I going to do with them; for what; I need to know; have to know; have to have an image of it. I know why I'm making music; to perform outside in the real world; and I can see that. I mean it grows in my imagination and it expands into a new identity. I have a new music identity concerning music creation.
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Art? I got this; everything is fine; its now mine; it belongs to me to do anything I want with; I'm married to it; Art is married to me; we are one together and we are both separate when apart and inner independent when together. Its my personal property; no one else's today. And its not; its from God and its been freely given to me by God to use... I want the same for my lyrics.
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I want LYRICS; I want them to be freely given to me to love and use and do with what I want; I want to feel safe with them. That's where the work is.
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Lyrics; what are for; that is the question pairing on me.
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I'm not up to speed.
I can see that; when speaking of art work; I create any kind of art work I want
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I want to be to write lyrics; no expectations or personal value or identity worth associated to it.
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Got to pray about it; got to want it. Lots of anger and hatred associated with it; contempt and hatred; but I'm not dumb enough to think my hatred should be taken out on the idea of the identity of creating lyrics. But secretly; thats how I feel! Fear scared that an abuser is going to destroy me because I did not ask there permission to do anything.
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Ill pray about it.
Its not enough to say the goal is to put lyrics to music; the problem is; Ive got expectations on them to save me and propel me into this new fantasy life; its like; its all about my ego; Ill be on tv shows and famous; right now; thats whats owning me; my importance. That means I dont own me or the use of lyrics; that means God is not involved yet. God is not calling the shots; my empty life is calling the shots; desperation is calling the shots. ({ My life really isnt empty- Smile!}). Or; Im trying to un empty the emptiness and fill'r back up with life! ANd thats whats appearing right now; This new identity appears like a faint ghost in the place of what would be real; its starts out that way; First; its just a bucket with this feeling of filling it up with life; suddenly something begins to appear and life begins to take a shape as its being poured into the bucket; Some craziness like that. Its all OKAY!
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Back to lyrics; I have to want them bad enough; yelling at God bad enough to show God I want lyric writing front and center for real; centered in my life. This means an active choice to learn how to get rid of any lazy thoughts taking over about lyrics; I have to want this; and train my brain to want this; wake wake wake up from deep sleep and prove I want this through taking action that I want it; this means screaming at God all day long; I WANT THIS! GIVE IT TO ME ANY WAY I CAN GET IT GOD!
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YES! I have to fight for it.
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My dissociative brain is blocking it; thats part of the problem. It will take time. In the mean time I keep writing lyrics; keep it up.
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I dont want to be a drop out; NO! I have to admit I know nothing better; so; Ill be starting at scratch; and I dont like that; it takes me to the beginning of my life; and I know whats going to happen to that life; its going to be destroyed; I remember the fear and feelings and Ill be reliving them again and I just dont want to.
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I dont feel safe being that little kid again starting over so openly. I will want to protect myself.
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I grow everyday so each blog is different by the day.
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Lyrics;
I have to see it in my imagination.
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I see myself using my new sequencer software; FL Studios. However, when I think of lyrics added to beats and melodies; Im not sure what that looks like to start with. Im scared of ridicule and failure; as I see many people from my past attacting me.
I am getting some ideas; write some crazy stuff and add a few words here n their; maybe; concept words Like; Blues, Red, Green; each word spoken at beginning of a segment and three segments to the song; Something like that. However, Im still feeling blocked even at that level; so Ill pray about it; I breaking through as I speak or write; but Im also not; its like 50%50 struggle right now.
Im trying to grow up to speed with lyrics and music writing and the purpose of lyrics and the creating process and taking over management and power of it.
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The purpose of creating songs in software sequencers is to play it out in the world for an audience. So; I know why Im writing music. I want my music to be nice; A personal adventure.
Lyrics are another story; and I dont know that story; possibly; Ill start writing stories about writing lyrics and let my imagination roam concerning there purpose or reason.. and let those stories unfold; Good Idea to use meditation.
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I want lyric writing to be exciting and an exciting part of the music piece; what would words do for the music; How would I start what would be fun. Thats the biggest question ill work on; a fun time or experience creating and writing music put into my music in a specific way that I feel sensitive and protected and intellectual and great and having lots of interest and fun; fascinated with the process. THats what Im looking for; Ill have to become up to speed for such things.
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My goal is to slowly rise from my anxiety disorder; my point is; its already happened and happening; and Im talking about a broad sense of the word.
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The anxiety disorder lifts when I work on an area of anxiety; This usually entails something of my childhood I was working on for development before I was pulled out of my childhood. Does that make sense; I need to define what I wanted to accomplish when a child; when I grew older;
Anxiety occurs around all things I was working on to develop when a child before I was pulled out of my childhood. All things I was pulled out of in my childhood so it resembles a Be-heading effect of my identity and my development. In many cases; from 1 grade to 3 grade; Thats as far as I got. I never developed in any form beyond this time period; so; lots of gaps when young. However, Im working on fixing those gaps; to do this; I must become that 1st grade child and be present at that time period at the same time as being an adult;' This can happen because Im both; l; look around with my adult brain and decide what direction to start with.
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As I am that child again; many things are now done differently then when a real child; many things Ive changed and replaced in my or from my original childhood. Ive eliminated the best friend I had growing up; IVe decided there was NO best friend when growing up; I was completely swindled and used; I had no idea what I was walking into when I was so very young; How I could I know! That changes a large chunk of that time period; ALso; when I walk by his old house as an adult; I skip by it; almost a fast paced jog; I get out of there and keep walking. That haunted house is no longer part of my life or any of the demons that lived in it; it was a mistake of nature on my part to visit that place; I should have never met those people. ANd now I look back at my childhood for authentic support in the present. I look back at the people I remember; and there were some nice people; a few.
Im remembering now; how I could not longer be myself around my best friend anymore; that started 3 years after I met him I think. but it actually started at the age of 10.
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I have to be that boy again; being that boy again now; and from that perspective; I have to have a foundation and new family systems (community in recovery) and GOd; I have to have some goals and interests in life and some stabilities; Looks like I do. I must have some mental health; signs of getting better; I have. And with that; Im now able to look at my childhood and decide to eliminate certain people and places and things that did not serve me well when young; things that were out to destroy me or ruin me or hate on me or many other things I was not aware of when young. I was 2 young and innocent to understand the deep hatreds of the world... I had my own life; I didnt know I had fallen into traps. I didnt know I was around haters who hated me; didnt even think in terms of such things.
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Today; Im in a position to be secure enough to look back at my childhood and leave certain people and places and things behind; let go of them and remember the rest of my childhood; also ask GOd for substitutes for that time period; If I wasn't doing well in school because of neglect and trauma; what people and places and things could have been brought into my life at the time for all of that to change. What would I like; what kind of relationships would I have liked during the time and what kind of relationships did I look forward to developing; with who; who are they; what kind of people; and what kind of person would I have been..
What kind of grades did I expect I would get; what did I want to do with my life; what kinds of things.
If I imagine now; I can get to those places.
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Things are changing for me; its weird; its a brain full of different periods of PTSD; AND; its a brain full of new ideas and goals and recovery thoughts and memories and my childhood is much more Back with me now; Not all of it; but in some places its damn close. The goal is to get it all back and be owner of it...
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SO; Im on that mission; However; its all about goals and GOd; not direction changing of inner brain neural structures; Ill have to leave all of that To God; all Ive ever done is what Ive been told to do and directed through therapy and recovery and success based thinking process and my inner being and higher power Universe. In a sense Ive done nothing; Im not in control of my nervous system healing; but I am in control of the recovery process I can practice on a daily basis.
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SO; Ill keep reaching out to GOd.
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The goal is to get back my goals I had as a kid and continue where I left off developing; but this time; without many of the old people involved; realizing they will not be coming back and half of them were never my friend in the first place; many of them hated me thought I was no good white trash; they thought they were better then me. My God; I didn't know; I was a sensitive fun loving person that was attempting to learn how to build my own life; a life I cherished.
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Im not there yet; THe anxiety vail is slowly lifting and it is getting less thick and weighted. ITs becoming thinner and Im hoping to grow with this.
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