July 2025
June 2025
Installment 31; Limbo land; Music
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Nothing in this world is more important to me then music…
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Im listening to an Avicci Tribute concert from a few years back; Incredible.
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When or why did it come to a point that I would listen to something like this and not make my own music. Why am I listening to this genius; Tim Bergling; and not be my own Genius; and thus of what got me into the bars and drinking to much every night with no concept of home or being anything other then dead inside.
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Music;
All; I want to say is; I stop; I start out and suddenly dissociation hits and Im suddenly far away and falling away with a horrible ill feeling; that feeling of PTSD that turned me into a slow motion robot when a kid to deal with having my life destroyed in front of me. So; I get triggered.
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Today I think and believe things can be different and I want to find out. Im trying.
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With music; Im absolutely creative but wont follow through; I stop 50% or 75% before I should; in many cases I never get started; its like im going into hell if I get involved with it; lately; with better thoughts; Why am I doing this; Im creating; that's the fun of it and performing what I create. Some how I lost this concept.
I have been writing about my situation; Things are changing; I do not believe anymore holding back. I don’t know what that means but its steep climb for music. But is it; I'm a creative guy. But I'm not doing anything.
What would it be like to go for it in my song writing and write what I think is cool and just go play it somewhere as AvantGuard and creative as possible; as abstract as possible.
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What does this mean; it means writing music the way I want it and the way I want it to sound and thats the first part.
Next
figuring out how to present it live; and practice my singing. Id have to use the keyboard or guitar. And just do it. And take it seriously to the next level; outside being creative around others.
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Whats my purpose with music; suddenly its about simply my enriching creativity I give to others and myself.
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God is help me right now.
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I cant write something that inst mine; Its just not me. And with dissociative disorder I learned to be dead and never be myself; I had no choice; the real me was gone.
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So; the goal or first goal is to set up my stuff; my equipment and just create something cool and keep it cool; keep it me; and live with it. I'm sorry if it wont sell; or what ever; I've got to learn to create things that turn me on and turn me on to perform; and I may have to experiment with this artistically and follow God.
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Why would I need to be inspired; I used to have to be; but that was from dissociative disorder; in order to create music I had to be me. And there was no “ME” I had vanished and someone else; My protector and the manager of the system they both fought for my life on both ends of the spectrum .
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So; I'm getting a few things.
First;
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My music set up as changed at my gaming computer; I now have an iPad sitting with me. I might turn it into more of an accessible music functioning computer; but certainly not the main music computer; I have a new M1 Macbookpro for that and a nice extra extended monitor and a nice height adjustable desk with a music keyboard sitting just under it in the other room. Both computers have notation programs.
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I could bring the acoustic guitar out as well; we will see. I have a special place for my art table and easel and gaming computer; I don’t want it contaminated. However, I want something musical here to play with because the space is so comfortable.
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If anything else; I have my notation program when I want to switch over quickly for a creative fix of music.
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All of this coming from the universe. In fact; the whole 2 set ups are from the universe; One desk in the living room;’ an art drafting desk that sits very low for my gaming PC and art stuff and in my room I have my specific Music set up on another desk.
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Whats it all for; that's what im trying to find out.
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So;
First; I was to write music in the notation program; and then practice what I've written on piano; go find some free pianos in the area and go play them; play what I've written.
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Second; I am now to create music that has meaning to me; and it must be something I thorough want to perform and get into on stage regardless. And I don’t know how to do that. Its way over my head to open up to the world like that; but its all I have left.
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Things are changing as I reach out to God and ask for me clarity on this subject; the idea is; music becomes my personal canvas I simply touch and Im satisfied; just like Art has become.
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I know it can happen for music because it happened with Art; and it is all magic.
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It may not happen today; but even now the universe is bending in my will; its rearranging itself and me to fit this desire…
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Ill keep bugging God about this.
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I get triggered. I get such horrible thoughts from the abusers and that time period and it opens right up.
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I had the same problem with Art; A bit different feel but just as ruptured in grey matter. Something I could not touch or get close to; but that has changed because Im not rejecting that part of me anymore; its mine now. And it always will be; mine; the little inner child within me and God and my inner being all working as one. Thank you Sunny Jesus.
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So; where do I go from here.
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I might just outline everything spontaneously from where I'm at right now to stardom and really set it fourth on paper and see how far I get. Really break it down into pieces. The real goal is to see myself going from someone creating something to performing it anywhere I guess; somewhere; because; I'm so creative and I want others to experiencing that creativity.
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It would be cool I guess to actually say something in the lyrics that helped someone; but that might happen or not;
I know I have to really believe in what Im doing and want to do with song. Ill work with God.
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So; things are slowly being forced to open up.
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The goal is to keep writing about this everyday and as things slowly open up; keep talking to Jesus; Keep talking to Jesus; Keep talking to Jesus.
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Ill keep doing meditation and see what happens.
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Ill pray about everything I need!
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