July 2025
June 2025
Installment 30
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I started talking to Jesus again; This time I was asking him to put new thoughts in my head on how I can bring music into an intimate space within me spiritually as well as physically; it happened with Art; I want it to happen with music.
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So; as usual; things are always working out for me. I got an answer.
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At my Art desk sits a PC gaming computer and some speakers and gaming controller and gaming mouse and a nice gaming keyboard. To the right is an easel next to the desk; stand up right next to it touching it; or the canvas paper pad is touching my desk as if an extension of the desk; I can reach down; a trough like rounded edge structure sits hooked to the front of my desk; across the lengths of the art board part of the drafting table art set up; its used to hold pens and drawing pencils and stuff. I reach down; pick up a pen and 15 inches away sits this easel with drawing coloring paper; I reach out and touch it with my pen; put the pen back into its pen older hanging down a few inches from the front of the desk and I'm done. Complete simplicity and intimacy between my self and my art creation temperament.
What about music. How do I duplicate this process; this ergonomic experience for music.
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Ill talk to Sunny Jesus about it; and I did; I talked with the universe to the universe; source energy holy spirituous.
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An answer came to me from the universe; not from me. If I had the answer I would not have to ask the universe to unveil it for me.
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This is what I'm looking for; I'm looking for an organic experience much like using pen and paper in art; simple to the point and direct and a recording process; when I draw something; its recorded.
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So; I wanted to hit something I thought like a cymbal; play with cymbals; make sounds on them with brushes; something quite but noticeable enough to listen to and hear and enjoy as a musical expressive spontaneous experience.
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I did not want more software traditionally speaking volume-ing through menu after menu of a music sequencer program for windows 11; I just didn’t want to go there with a midi keyboard hooked up crowding the desk top.
I thought of a 61 not synth to the left of the desk long gated next to me as I was sitting; it would be on the left of me; I turn to the left; put my hands down; finding my fingers resting on keys and I can spontaneously play; and that's still a great idea; I would get like a Yamaha piano for that with speakers and with built in recording ability. Great; serious; that would be great.
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However, for my Art desk right now; what do I want!
OK God; talk to me; show me what to do. I rely on God.
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And BAM; It came to me. A thought came to me while at a meeting; IPAD! Perfect. It is touch screen sensitive. I can play the screen and hear actually presteen quality audio; the best actually; very good audio from some great Ios apps. Ill have to use buds until I figure out a better speaker solution.
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Working with the spontaneous of the iPad for creating music expressions and so cool; I can even record them into the iPad; True; this is not new technology; I'm excited because its technology I was not using and it fits so perfectly for my needs and my desk.
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I'm to old to use a phone for all of this; the screen is to small…. We cant have everything; ( smile)! Seriously; Im not sure I would want to run a synth and a recorder from a phone; Just say n. Many do; I just; Hm; No! Its to small a screen for me… anyway…. For anyone else it surely would be the answer…
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On to using the Ipad for music creation; PROBLEMS:
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The problem is intimacy.
Intimacy with women
Intimacy with music creation
Intimacy with money
Intimacy with transportation/car
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I got ruptured when younger; that means I got set up in traps; snared; I didn’t now someone was hunting for me; it never occurred to me; I thought I was free…
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The next issue is music; that is the next issue inline; music creation.
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Music creation is much like Art creation; the problem is; Im not humble and I don’t own it and Im blaming someone else for it.
God came in and rearranged my inner self inner being and the outer world to all fit together that Im a kid again when it comes to art. It got straitened out. Im connecting with art at a child level and no other level; innocent level; I own it; its protected within me with me and outside of me physically in my personal space; its mine. So; How about music. Well; Im working on it.
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Dear God; help me be relieved of the bondage surrounding music creation that I better do they way of life.
Its evil and ruptured and arrogance; an arrogant spirit surrounding music; its almost as if a demon has hold of it and the outside world has hold of it; and Ive been snared by bright lights surrounding it; and my view is the abusers view of my talents; thats how I view it; I don’t own it because owning music creation is an act of independence and that would be me going directly against the abusers. And trauma bonded to the abusers and that would go against them for me to have a personal life I love. If the abusers want me stomped out; then I want me stomped out. And there it is; a close beginning statement concerning this problem.
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Where do I start; Im praying! Lots of PTSD long term surrounding all of this; Im taken to other places at younger ages; scenes opening up in my head.
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I continue to go to recovery and recovery meetings so I'm not alone never alone. Its not always easy; but necessary and my higher power has never told me to anything else. What I need is support and prayer and meditation.
Meditation helps me get aligned with my inner being; its like allowing my inner being to come into my life and take over direction; that is good because my inner being will align me with the universe and get me to my path of least resistance; my inner being is connected to the universe.
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The problem is; the connection with my inner being and the universe; and me has been ruptured or raped or beheaded. And much fear aligns down these hallways to the stars. I've been attacked when in those vulnerable hallways praying to my inner being for help and direction; when hooked up to the universe. My rights taken from me. Destroyed; Now I'm trying to do things for myself.
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In this situation; it takes much prayer and revealing from the universe at this point; I want so badly to take over; what is needed; I must let go of the or’s of the row boat; and let the boat float down energy river; just let it float and touch nothing; altho the pain is so great; the uncomfortable-ness.
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Note; I was at a meeting last night and a women was at the meetings; another women who liked me years ago; I ignored her and when I heard her voice I just kind of feel to pieces inside; I lost all my strength. I realized she was another women that liked me for the right reasons; I made her out to be someone who liked me for the wrong reasons; the demons took over in me and chased her away; and I felt ashamed and humiliated to be in the same room with her. I also felt scared that she was demonic and I did not feel safe around her. Is she to blame? Or she means more to me then I mean to her; I meant nothing to her. However, a strange deeper feeling came over me concerning her; a kind of magical feeling. I had to walk away before and I walked away yesterday.
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Right Now! This moment! Im focusing on one restoration at a time; Music; Not women/relationships; That comes next after music. So; this women I saw yesterday; it matters not; she is wreckage of my past; post recovery work; it happens.
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Its been said; Just because I stopped drinking doesn’t mean Im well; If I don’t work the steps in a 12 step meeting; and go to meetings regularly; I stay a Dry Drunk. That means; my personality is still dysfunctional from all the mal-adaptive practices through the years. My personality has to be cleaned up and re arranged and aligned back within the universe.
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As for music; Im just trying to get back into alignment and get myself re arranged.
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I want my personal space back and what I own in that space; right now I own Art work; the ability to create art work; it belongs to the child in me. Music does not; relationships with women does not.
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Money will come after music and women to be fought over and rearranged again.
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Music is changing.
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New discoveries in Limbo Land; Skill sets; Ill explain!
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Skill sets vs potential.
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Im learning new things everyday; going from a lost boy to a man.
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At this point; why am I living an unmanageable life? ME! The buck stops with me. I have mental illness and I have the ability within support to look at a few areas of my life and work with God to ask for change; I can pray…
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So
Potential vs Skill set.
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Some one the other day heard me play the piano; and they said I had great potential and skill; Ive heard this before. One thing they did not understand; What they were hearing was potential; not skill.
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What is potential; Potential is something 11 year-olds have; 9 year-olds have; 7 year-olds have; 12 year-olds have.
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What is skill; Generally for me; its something 16 year old start to build and onward. Skills are more professional level alignments; they take more time and work to master and thus when refined can be given back to the community and recognized as significant contributions to society.
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Altho potentials are nice; When I give potential; I usually get a reward of; “ My you have good potential”; Im not really giving anything to anyone; Maybe drama.
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So; Im at this point of looking at my potentials and seeing what I get for it; I really get nothing; nothing has been turned into real skills that I serve anyone; and thus; Im not getting fed by giving smoothing and receiving something; and its starting to bother me; I feel very undeveloped; I see this underdevelopment by what I receive; I receive what a 12 year old receives; someone says; “ really nice” or “ You have allot of potential”.
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Skills; The idea of developing professional level skills intrigues me because; I want to give something to society and receive something of the same value back from what I give.
Ill use music as an example. I don’t get to much back from society by playing music at the piano right now because I have allot of potential but have never taken it seriously; only fooled around on it and Ive received; altho nice; a fools reward; Something are better then nothing (smile); at least I got something right?
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If I practiced and become a professional musician; what would I get back in return. I would have much more to offer the world; Id have much more presentable material. And thus; I could receive what I have given; either in economic comfort or emotional accolades. Either way; Im going to get allot more from people when I have skills to offer rather then potential. .
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Ive found myself suddenly wanting the rewards of professional level skills while only having the mentality of potential level skills.
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My general development and maturity is that of someone just questioning there potential and what they may want out of life; and believe me; this is the first of its kind for me as an adult; this is the first time I have questioned this in this way… The very first! This is the first time Ive been this far as a human being and an adult; speaking of my maturity and spiritual development as an adult or working toward adulthood. Im literally going from a broken child to an adult. Its a steep mountain trail Ive been on…
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Im just now questioning this concept of Skills vs Potential; This is the first time said in such a away as this; with its implied meaning. These concepts are about having power in society and freedom; something thats been devoid me all of life; I would not even know how it feels.
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Anyway;
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My first interests are;
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Manageable living quarters
Manageable Art creation experience
Manageable Music creation experience
Romance/Women/relationships
Money
Vacations
Train rides
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We can start with these.
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Success so far:
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Manageable Living Quarters
Manageable Art creation process
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My next interest is in music creation process; having this turn into something manageable; something without expectation and without conditions; it being something I like to do naturally and reach out and do it with no thought… just emotion.
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Changes are all ready occurring since writing this blog. I'm using different electronics to simulate the playing experience of an instrument; Much in depth work here. I'm just getting started.
And from here; I will focus on Music creation in the next blog; and its problems.
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