Installment 29; Still in Limbo Land; Art and speaking in Limbo

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Apr 15, 2022 4:45 pm

Installment 29; Art in Limbo Land.
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So;
I had a paradigm shift a few months back and found myself at the end of self.
I then meagured into the open desert of Limbo Land; a place Jesus visited for 40 days and 40 nights; I am not Jesus but I talk to him. And I to am in Limbo land.
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Limbo land is a Terraferma. It is a desert compound of invisible fighting machinery to enact a strengthening concept within my desire to manifest and believe; to turn thoughts to things. The middle process of turning thoughts to things; the inner workings and its understanding and the practice of such things is hard.
In this desert ground one finds themselves and there purpose to move to the next generation of self. One may began to understand that helping of others to acquire things for themselves is a nature of ancient protection and Aquarius success; Think of a warehouse swept clean with one victorion green chair sitting in the middle. Its spartan; its safe. If I help others constantly; if I pray to help others that are suffering; Sunny Jesus brings me everything I want.
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If I want a car; help someone else get a car
If I want a women; help someone else get a relationship.
If I want money; learn to help someone else get rich.
If I want friends; be a friend first and others will show up for me to be friends.
And so it goes.
If I want to be a successful Artist; help someone else become a successful Artist.
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I can pray for all of this and visualize all of this. I can visualize myself taking steps forward onto new platforms that lead to other steps that lead to new platforms and so on until I reach a final destination; and these things can be represented in kids cartoon form within ones mind or what ever can work to ease the defenses of trauma
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Art in Limbo Land. The finding of intimacy.
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First; God brings all things. And creates all things.
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So; Art.
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I am now 100% intimate with Art..
However, I am not 100% Intimate with music creation. I like music creation but; Like a bad piece of software; its causing to many menus to search through and pages to sort through; I never get to the essence of spontaneous with music creation. I would like to get back to my roots with music; hit a root with a hammer; hear a sound; record it; 50 shades of the same grey; that would be simple and nice.
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God will align this at some point. Its my job to keep seeking this out; keep fighting at it;
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I have spaces; and those spaces work for me; and I don’t want anything contaminating them.
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However; I don’t have a spontaneous music spot sitting at my Art table

However; I don’t have a spontaneous music spot sitting at my Art table. I would like one; I thought maybe guitar; but thats to much. I need something more basic; Like a keyboard with speakers or something. Something I can turn to and create music. Maybe record it. Ive got some ideas. Ill keep looking into it. It has a real purpose so;…
I don’t like the idea of turning on more software; music software in my gaming computer and spitting notes from a keyboard into it and recording it; but maybe; maybe that is the simple answer. I have a notation software in my gaming computer I can use. Its kind of that way; What Im looking for but its distant. I want a copper turtles shell and a small golden jewels hammer; I want to hit the turtle shell and make music and record it; 50 shades of opulent gold metal sounds.
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However, Art right now is intimacy. Its a full connection now; Art is mine. Its my world. I can live in it like living in a sphere. Its belongs to me.
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I would like a music experience the same way. Ill pray about it.

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I want it comfortable. I want to turn to it and simply make a sound and record it. Much like taking a crayon and putting it to canvas as one stroke then put the crayon down and back to gaming again on my computer or what ever; writing or listening to music or…..
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I would like music to have an intimacy within my schedule…
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Looking at where Im at; Im dead square in the middle of limbo land with things happening;
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If I can say one major thing of importance; its the excitement of waiting on the universe and working with the universe to see what will be brought in front of me to be restored. I had Art restored; Now Im wondering what will be next; Ive been pushing on God about music and I kind of get the idea. Still. Im not sure; but I know what it will be like; It will be something simple and record-able; Something basic; something easy to play Ideas into and record… Im not sure; I would like it sitting on my desk on the left of me; I don’t know. I want something as simple as the art canvas next to me I can just put a crayon to and pull my hand back; that simple; sound canvas.
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So; a few intimacies Im looking for; looking to change from the past.
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Money
Music
Relationships
Car
I want these relationships up to speed with sanity.
Art broke through; why cant the others. God broke Art through for me; aligned it at a much deeper intimate level; its now joined to me. I want the same for music. Im now demanding God give it to me.
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Im also praying after I want something of some how to help others that want the same thing. Ill keep praying for that.,
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Im looking to break through these walls. No self esteem; thats the problem; I do not feel worthy; I feel zero’d out and want Gods help to change this.
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I don’t like being the little kid anymore; its to hard needing others; I still want to be that little kid; Im on that little kids side and mine but I don’t want older mentors around me unless its to show me how to make money; not just to take care of me as if Im 4 years old. Thats whats bothering me; Im always having to be taken care of; Im never taking action for myself.
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Why cant I take care of myself in all of these areas. So; Im praying about it in a positive sense; seeing the positive of it; thats what Im asking God for.
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Confidence plays a roll.
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Im in the middle of Limbo Land and this is what it looks like; Ive got goals and Im up against my own walls; So; What do I want to do about it. Waht do I want to admit.
Meditation is the best thing; prayer and visualization; pre visualize the ability to be free roaming anywhere I want; going from one check point to another to another to another to another; practicing this in my mind; seeing myself succeed at things..
Writing stories about succeeding at things; Would’t it be nice and then follow that up with a new story of success. Keep writing them over n over n over.
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So; I know what I have to do; its write stories about being successful and pray about how to start them some how. How do I humble myself and get started; create foot steps in my head to practice getting to where I want to go…
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So; The next realm in Limbo Land is showing up;
The way Im talking at meetings is changing; Im beginning to purposely get vulnerable as if I'm sitting with a healthy family of brothers and sisters and Im starting to talk about things that happened to me when young as if they just happened and I took them home; pulled one of my brothers or sisters off to the side and started talking to them as if my brothers and sisters are good people and trust worthy. T hats a huge big deal allowing this; but that is where God is aligning me slowly opening things up for me. Im being opened up to another family and Im learning to talk to them right now. And Im getting triggered from childhood.
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My avoidance and dissociation came from a family system non able to directly communicate. Impossible they were creeps and evil and not possible; they were sinister pure evil and even as a child I knew better. They didn’t show all there faces when I was young but I clammed up and decided it would be better to make friends outside the home I could talk to.
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So; Im starting to get it. Slowly Im opening up to a family system again; only; its about what happened to me in all parts of my life that are shut off from various time periods. Im opening things up; and Im realizing something; as soon as I open things up; Im starting to get back into the present; and have sanity. With sanity I can function again in the outside world. I can function when I feel I have secure family members that are safe and on my side; I feel safe. And then take a chance and open up as I did today at a meeting. Im getting more n more; the deeper inside stuff is coming out on the table; and as I said at the meeting; some of the coward stuff where I have no courage is very hard to talk about in a group of people even mixed company; its really hard to talk about man stuff where I didn’t match up. Its hard to bring up the game; Instead of being cool about it; I turned into a thief and liar. A thief; blamed the other person because I was not man enough to save them; I lied; or was I man enough to safe myself or stand up for anything of any value; instead; I simply was not enough for the person that wanted me and in a state of panic I ran off because I had no character; and I didn’t want them to know the real truth about my coward-ess and being a liar. But its much worse then that; I acted like I could do without them or anyone else; I could have what ever I wanted because I didn’t need no one or anything; What? That was pure low class evil ridiculousness of a scum bag nature. Thats as far as my nature ever got.
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I want something different!
If I want something different; Ill have to define it at this point and work towards it with much much help from everyone around me; Ill need a whole village to face my coward-ess. Its that bad; its so bad Im such a low life; I mean; its horrible bad.

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So; if I want a new life; I have to become that open person first.
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When young; I got to a point of bleeding over everything; almost turning into a full young sociopath criminal .
and I get to a point of bleeding over into an “ Almost” criminal; I started turning into one authentically; but it went no further; my origional values were able to hold me together; However, I did lie and steal and cheat; I mean; I stole things in high school; I started turning into a sociopath criminal; and signs of me bleeding over edge and acting out; But; altho I cracked and bled; it held there; I never went past that concreted embankment; I also being a potential alcoholic and potential drug addict; I got to experience both; but God fizzled both out; much like a fire having water poured over it; to see steam and gray smoke and cold black logs screaming for a more purposeful life; it was over; sackcloth and ( I mean Ashes); O how that anti social personalty life cried for Identity;
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Anyway; Here I am now; slowly opening things up; things I had to dissociate from when young; things I had to bury to stay alive. All survival mode and then completely mental illness. And now slowly awakening from it; beat up from the street up; Not cured; Just a new focus on what I look forward to in the future and what kind of spiritual recovery work Im willing to do to gain a good life.
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I want a good life; All of my recovery work is about getting to point of acceptance that Im the one who will be rebuilding it with Gods help; Why? Because its possible!!!!
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I never knew I could rebuild my own life? Im realizing it. How?; I can come back to a bit of reality and begin with Gods help; building in reality; and that is kind of whats happening in the here n now; of course Im scared; I don’t want to get my head lopped of in reality as I did before. So; death fears on me; it soaks me like a seal in a bath of an old womens warm bubble luv/.
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God is opening up the next door; the door of social rehab and this leads to an inquiry about my confidence and what needs to be done to build it.
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All of this work is releasing the stories of the past into the present; the stories are at best; just moments in time I had no one to talk to and had to keep everything inside of me. And Im starting to see that I lived through television movies and shows; I diverted my emotions into the television set. Now Im getting hurt because of it.
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So its my responsibility to keep this work up until Im present again and learn how to open up my feelings successfully in reality.

by **Snaga** on Fri Apr 15, 2022 5:02 pm

I for one think you're on the right path, and prayers offered for your happiness, Omnicell!

Installment 29; Still in Limbo Land; Art and speaking in Limbo

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