July 2025
June 2025
I'm officially or pre officially moving my focus off the past onto what I want from the future and present.
Switching to the future is similar to dealing with the past; I still have the same tarnished blocks I had looking at the past; the pain and disappointment. However, I'm know applying those skills and energy to my future.
I would like to become a productive member of society; What does that mean; it means success. Part of me wants to feel sorry for what happened to me; that is normal and specific. However, I'm talking about a specific side to that trauma that is more drama then trauma; its creating drama over the trauma and it lends me back into the bar to drink. I don't plan on drinking; just trying to make a point. Poor me; poor me; Pour me another drink please! This specific angle of less maturity must stop. I'm not interested in killing myself anymore. I have not had a drink in decades. However, the dry drunk still remains. I'm using this as an example for many things. The anger and horror I experiences and damage to my mind personality and nervous system left me broken and thrown away and resentment lost and dead inside and schizophrenic like on the outside. The problem is; there has been much to focus on; either my mental illness condition or my past and how they both ruined or controlled my life completely; much of that from severe long term PTSD.
.
Here I am now; After studying success based positive thinking processes; I'm now able or just maybe starting to become able to focus on my future and not my past. I know enough about the past; most of it is about bad people and being to young to do anything about it; and that truly is a horrible crime against a child...
.
So; Here I am now; and Ive got part of me as kind of a freeing spirit from all the recovery and success based work and and studying Ive done. Im not cured but Im 50% feer to do some things. I remember long ago people couldn't even get me out of the house and if they did they had to baby sit me for all reasons; I could not function outside; could not touch anything; could not do anything accept attempt to escape and get away.
.
The point is; Im not so much looking to fix the past as much; I dont need to; its not fixable; but Im not attached to it or if I am I don't care; I can take it or leave it; makes no difference to mental health anymore; my personal value or my worth; Im still worthy regardless; what is important now; my future where I grab ahold of my interests and attempt to visualize others getting involved and helping me. Im visualizing support for every move; thats an idea of being enterprising. So; the need of support is important to right now; moving forward in the present; thats where my focus is; what do I want to do when I get up in the morning; what am I suppose to do when I get up in the morning; what is my purpose according to my inner being that is hooked up to the universe; what is my direction of least resistance.
.
Art work; ITs always Art work!
Im starting with Art work because God said so; and also its the closest thing to my natural temperament and its accessible. What do I need to do; keep putting lines down on paper and dont worry about what Im drawing; just keep drawing everyday until it becomes a part of my day and my life. Will that be easy; well; no! My body is trained to do nothing; meaning; its trained to be anti productive in order to protect me. So; its not easy changing my behavior; However, its a behavior change Im looking for.
From the beginning; Im already thinking about and visualizing support. Im visualizing support for help and support from the beginning; for the beginning before I begin. support is as important for me as doing the art work; they both go hand n hand from the beginning; I go buy Art paper and pens;
and I visualize those supporting my art and my work; all from the beginning. Im interested in the right people showing up as guides down the journey who are actually interested in me and my talents and helping; That However, is sent from God; Im starting from the start of my drawing stuff which is now. Im starting by praying for support for my art experience right now.
Its kind of like getting full coverage on a car; I wont get the car if I cant get the full coverage for insurance; They both go hand n hand; Ive learned the hard way.
.
.
.
How long will this episode of art last? I dont know. With dissociative disorder; one never knows; I do know that its the 12 year old coming out in me that wants to draw and that 12 year old got raped and molested and violated and basically kidnapped for several years.. And all of those horrible PTSD realities are what get triggered; that is why its so hard to stay present; that and the loss of my original self and home and all that happened to me; it all gets triggered; and I forget; meaning; amnesia sets in and I have no more desire to draw or create or have anything to do with art; its like I completely forget as if I never had an artistic ability within me or a desire to express it; I become someone else completely. Im hoping I can have some control over this and maybe stop it before it happens; before I get red lined or in over my head with past trauma; trauma to a point of completely erasing me and my purpose and desire; I have no control over it.
\
I have some control before I start art work and if I take care of myself; maybe I can slowly work my way into a new way of thinking about expression; making a new go of it; believing I can be safe; We will see.
FOr now; Art work is my temperament and the best thing to start with to have success. Its the best thing Ive got going for me.
.
.
.
What does success mean?
What does success mean; Well; thats a great question and one Ill think about; and one Ill write about here and offline.
.
.
What is Limbo Land; Limbo land is what occurs ( the place); after having a Paradigm shift; Its a large desert area of aftermath So; after being in limbo land for a while; ( Now; what do I do?)!
.
Im in the desert of Limbo...
.
Im learning and deciding if I like it out here in the desert or want to become part of civilization.
.
Im learning how to believe again through my inner being; and to imagine something grand for myself; something beyond the realistic simple shallow concepts of life; in the shallow life; all I see is the water pump in the grassy desert that sits 10 feet in front of me; is there no more to life then physical; is there no more to life then what I see out of physical eyes in front of me; What about my dreams.
.
WHat does my heart and mind want?
What does my imagination heart and mind want? this can be tricky; I must align with my inner being and higher power and universe and source energy of the universe. I must call upon the vortex of holy ones; the trinity. I must seek safety in the vortex realm of infinite positive and real energies; energies of God; energies of the universe; the balanced core; The center...
.
.
.
I must have God with me when working on my goals because; if one asked me what I want; I want a future; I wanted all things from the past I cant get or are no more. I wanted to live in the past;
sleep in the past and meander for ever in the past. I would torture myself by looking in the past remembering what I had but what is gone; I was fixated on that for a very long time.
.
So; in order to stay forward; ( assuming I've been to the therapists and 12 step meetings and worked the steps); assuming I'm up to speed for the journey; the goal is to stay forward working with my inner being that is hooked up to the universe; the goal is ( what do I want for my future; in my future). In order to stay present I must have a God I out-reach to a set of success principle; Principles written down and experienced from those who have come before me. The goal is to align with God Universe for the purpose of creating my new life; What would I like on the menu? I must be with God at all times; if Im outside the center of Gods realm; I will not be in the core or center and not protected or Ill fall. In many cases its important to meditate before I do anything to keep me centered in GOds realm.
.
I'm learning how to decide what excites me about life; I get this from focusing on and looking at and listening to my inner being; I ask my inner being to tell me what it is I want; or I tell my inner being what I want and ask how I can get it!
What would excite me when I get up in the morning; Besides Porn! what would I like to do with my life? What is my purpose; what is my temperament. Art is one general neutral area of my temperament. THis is a great place to start!
.
I think Purpose and Temperament and what I naturally like to do all fit hand within many hands of my future; they are words plus signs between them; hooked together like computer script; glued together; words and ideas glued together; physical and spiritual glued together. Starting and finishing glued together.
.
With God; it is possible to learn the insights of how to focus on what I want; how to visualize it. I also have much support groups; I would never try this alone.
.
.
.
I would never try anything alone; strength and security in numbers always on everything; every subject; like having a trusted family of friends on every desire and idea that crosses my mind; even a support group of fantasy fixtures in my head; a phantom group created in my imagination I can talk to and work out my problems with...
.
.
Im learning from my inner being; Im learning what I like; what excites me and what I would like to be doing in my life; with my life. Ive got to have GOd in my life so I can believe things are possible in the direction I enjoy.
.
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to put my whole heart mind and body into those things I enjoy doing; love to do that; wouldnt that be great!; excited about getting up in the morning and participating in.
.
.
The goal is to meditate; meditation to find out what the universe is sending my inner being as my directions for being on planet earth. Its my job to work with the universe to tell the universe to make things safe enough for me to handle the universe cleaning out the nodes of unwanted defenses that are blocking me from seeing and facing and feeling what I'm suppose to do with my life.
.
I'm manipulating my own system; However, PTSD is doing most of the damage because; when I face what's down my path; suddenly I see the bad people again in my mind and I freeze up all over again and relive things constantly all day long; over n over n over! I need help with this universe; help me!
The universe is helping me!
The point is; working with the universe to find my purpose. I was led to guided meditations on youtube.
.
TEMPERaMENT;
.
What is Temperament;
.
I'm an artist type; that's my temperament; I Like expressive emotional stuff; music art writing, acting.
.
So; the first goal is to start creating things; I love to create things. Learn to stick up for this and stand for it and stand beyond it and ask God for help where I'm feeble and weak in this area of standing up for anything I believe in.
.
THe first step is to work within my Temperament; Im just starting; the goal is to take an idea of finding something that excites me; in this case I know that is Art; Now; with GOds help and support; lots of it; start asking the universe to send me information on how to get started with Art in the real world; I might be on a long journey; if I stick it out; Ill end up learning how to take the idea of creating art and turn it into a physical habit of creating art on a daily basis; if I can get this far; Ive got a shot at making it a routine part of my life; if that be; I can take things further and think about a career in Art.
And when I write about Art as career; fear shows up and terror and molestations and rape; Im being violated and abused; torn to pieces with no escape; no home anymore; nowhere; nothing. Just panic survival mode; that's all life is. And that's what I see inside my head.
.
So; to go from fantasy to reality; from the safety of in my imagination into the real world; thats connecting from electrical into the physical. A very hard thing and very scary and exposing.
.
However, Im asking God to teach me how to go for from electrical to physical. I am scared; Im afraid of being taken advantage of between these 2 worlds as I cross from one to another.
.
ITs all scary and Ill talk about that fear; but its also exciting.
.
What kind of success do I want; maybe to have art work put up in law offices and hospitals or something or Dr offices or....... That might be one area.
.
certainly galleries and online galleries. Selling things Back East or across the world. Selling to the right buyer. Ill keep looking into what I want; the kind of experience I want when it comes to selling my art. And Ill have support all along the way so Ill know when its time to sell something; know when its professionally ready. That is kind of the goal; Ill take it all to the universe. I would like a successful experience including from the start on my side or are interested in seeing me have success.
Youtube; time to look up everything Art business and look around and see what Art looks like that sells. It wont be easy; many many artist with more developed skills then I have and Ill have to evaluate what I want to learn or need to learn to create something I feel is ready for departure to someone else's walls.
.
One area I haven't brought up is; all the negative stuff associated with success; I'm not interested; I'm only interested in the positive stories and keeping at it until I get there...
.
So; for better or worse; ready or not; I've defined something to work toward.
.
I would also say that I have 30 different things I want to work toward; I've always wanted success in within my life. However, Ill start with one and see how well I do with it; with the spiritual development and the trust in God.
.
How do i want to live being an Artist; What kind of experiences do I want.
.
I think first; Ill work with God and pray about learning from youtube business models and look at others art; look at art teachers channels. Ill pray about it.
.
Nothing is easy; everything is intimidating because it is. Many things can go wrong; so what; keep ones eyes on what can go right and jump on those opportunities; Everything is always working out for me.
Right now its about studying business and other artists and its about working with God and its about getting immediate support. People interested in helping me or aligning with my views and visions and goals about art. Also; What is my defined vision of being an artist; of art.
.
.
So;
THe first goal is Success!
Its important that I learn in the real world how to stick to something; the up n downs; the hard times and intimidating times ; the starving times and keep at it.
.
Second goal is learning from youtube all that need be
.
This is a hard one. This mean having an unusual concept that (Everything Is always working out for me). IT means learning and practicing and studying how to be an artist; Also; what level do I draw from; meaning; if its a first grade level; its not going very far; the art work needs to be at a professional level; what does that mean and how do I change to become it and what do I need to learn.
I've got to have a successful attitude all along the way through this process.
.
And let me also say; as I work with God and the universe and support groups; This is only one venture. My life has another 30 interests. This is the first I'm attempting to make real in the real world; changing thoughts to things.
.
Third interest and goal is immediate support!
.
.
What's different from other attempts at this from the past; well; I never really attempted anything before; I got overwhelmed looking at artists on youtube; I tried it for about 2 hours and gave up. And there it is. All that talk; but ACTION lasted about 40 minutes until I got bored and that's what has to change; that's what I'm working through.
Also; what's my big main vision that can hold and sustain my interest; better find out what that is; I can kind of see a bigger overall picture; what do I want. Meditation and pray to God for what I want; ask God for help for what I want.
.
.
Im already overwhelmed just talking or writing about all of this; so Ill pray about it.
.
Why am I picking this specific subject for success; because its my temperament and success can be weighed in many ways. I can experience the outlines of success from participating in something. I dont have to gain allot of money up front for the successful experiences I'm looking for.
.
One area of interest is to break through the heartbreak of all I was going to become as a child; all the dreams; the innocent dreams all decent and from God; all wiped out.. I would like to get those back and in order to do this Ill be re experiencing the triggering by the bad people of that time; Ill re experience those bad people and what they did to me; its part of the deal; I have to learn to stop dissociating. So; Ill work with God on this.
.
I've got a full plate. Just because I wrote about it; it means nothing; meaning; no action as been taken in the real world yet; of course writing is action but in this case I have defined what action for myself is; the action starts after the writing stops.
.
.
So; I've began watching YouTube video artist tutorials.
.
The first thing that hits is; no way can learn all those things to do to create an art channel. Ill be swamped; So; I'm getting intimidated. Id hate to put out slopy content; meaning a slopy channel.
.
I don't like the idea of being stuck as a YouTube channel artist. I don't like being under so much pressure; it would be like being a slave.
.
I have even gotten to the art part yet; only how to create an art channel. All scary.
.
Maybe I want to start my own channel and try it at an armature level and see what happens to start with.
Ill finish this video; hard...
OK; so I made it to the second video. I'm starting now; its all intimidating. But; I think it might be a good stepping stone from someone with agoraphobia that has a hard time with reality or finishing anything. Half way through the second video and I'm feeling it; FEAR; the kind of fear one feels when dealing with someone new; completely new; walking into a situation where one can experience 10 thousand mistake and they all get exposed; and I'm not responsible enough to take care of my life and this will prove it; and Ill be exposed to the world as a loser. So; all of this is extremely hard from the beginning. Almost done; Now what? Ill pray about it and keep my commitment to art; these channels and other artists can be intimidating like crazy!
.
I was thinking negatively of why I never had a job; I could not spell anything; I'm 2 afraid someone would find out and Id be kicked off the job.
.
It mentioned by channel author that she loves the community of artists she has met on youtube. I mentioned I was looking for community and support; so; they ya go; its one form of community..
.
Try be a unique artist with my own opinions. How to get peoples attention
.
My unique style. Custom made art work.
.
Skill and quality of work ; skill is important.. so is popularity.
.
Working my third vid....
.
Capturing some-ones feelings. Helping others address there feelings through the art I create.
.
So; lots of vids to watch; lots.
Keep praying about it'
I can see failure as being a problem for me; a scary concept.
.
Just got out of a noon meeting; Now that covid is clearing out; after 2 years; in person recovery meetings; more of them showing up. In my area; WE; the people; decided to have in person meetings the whole time for the last 2 years in one form or another concerning several different fellowships so we never ran out of real meetings and we added more n more so Ive never been without meeting accept for about a 2 week period when covid started.
.
We were talking about success today at meetings.
.
I realized that one of the women talking; very intelligent women going back to college or for the first time? I realized I could walk up to her and talk to her; have an intelligent conversation; It was not like that several years ago because of the dissociative disorder. We generally talked about success. How to keep at success thinking even tho being triggered; with that triggering and avoiding following into failure.
.
Im realizing for the first time since 9 years old; Im finally taking the 9 year olds place and continuing on where he left off.
.
I can see several goals of interest. And I have a foundation; I'm waking up to that; if I had not woken up I would not know there was a foundation I could trust and id still be dissociative riding a bike around talking to myself all day long and expect no more then that.. However, things are different now. I have some open free abilities I did not have before.
.
.
When I was 9; the child in me turned on the child in me; took my parents side against me; they hated me; they were murder'rs so I hated me and a side of me wants to kill me; He joined there side to stay alive because it was the absolute only way for me to stay alive was to join them; if they wanted me dead; He wanted himself dead; BY joining them; he becomes there Ally; Kind of a Stockholm syndrome; really; almost the same thing; same concept; I'm not sure if Stockholm Syndrome is still a real thing but the idea certainly isn't lost.
.
Now; I'm praying for God to join me and that 9 year old together because its possible now; join very slowly because the child in me starts to react with anger to the child in me; I have to go at this very slowly; so I don't attack myself. God is the one in the middle of this.
.
This is a bloody miracle to be this far in life right now; unbelievable.
.
So; I'm rejoining myself. It feels like I was cut off at the waist and now the 2 pieces have been found and God is slowly putting them back onto one another and rejoining them.
.
That place that is severed; that is a dark place.
.
Still finishing my third art video; watching artist teaching art... Scary. am I responsible enough to try this.
.
Just got up from a bit of sleep; I'm feeling so well; feeling a kind of panic anxiety; thoughts running through my head from the past.
.
I have thoughts of; My mother; when I was little; I took a train trip; I believe now her motive was to seek other men; she was already looking. I remember having my little rabbit; toy rabbit that I held onto. I remember being lost on the other side of the train; one of the conductors found me. I was scared. Now I look back and I wonder; what kind of mother loses her 5 year old son at a train station getting off the train; It was from a mother who could care less; that's what kind. I can sense it as I awake in uneasiness.
.
.
The first girl I loved; some of that came up; its been a while. What else could I have done. She would have gone on to a private college; the reality for me was; I could hardly function and my schooling and life was already destroyed. Why would she want me tagging along; she would have had to work the whole time. I would have never functioned. I could not see her in that role; I could see her in a role with someone of her economic background; meaning her parents economic background. I could not see her letting all of that go to be with me. I realized this and pulled back. She thought I was pulling back because I was a weakling and scared to kiss a girl or something. I was suffering from traumatic shock and could not function period from being raped and destroyed from years before that; right before that; and basically kidnapped; her and her mother thought I was just some little boy syndrome or something; immature or unexperienced with girls; I was laughed at me thinking I was weak; never even bothered to find out the truth; That one moment; She was through. I pulled away permanently. These type of things could not be ignored. I walked away.
.
Telling God is who I'm telling; I'm telling God I could do no better then to walk away; I was not going to take responsibility for someone like this! I refused. What was most important was; I could not tell her how I felt because I had no economic future and felt there would just be no way. No way I could expect someone like this to change there life style for someone like me. They would never see the value in it; Why wouldn't they just dump me at some point and go out with someone that functioned; especially when they had the potential to find someone who would bring in large amounts of money that they could live a prominent life style; In sadness; I just walked away. However, later when I was treated and laughed at like I was a fool; that stunned me even worse; I had no idea that was going to happen; I was written off as a weakling and fool; I was stunned by this; pure evil. Thus; maybe I really didn't know this person. Maybe I had been getting fooled the whole time; maybe I was allowing myself to get fooled the whole time..
.
.
.
.
I need a mother; those beginning years; I need that love; that unconditional loved; I'm ruptured and bent out of shape like a pretzel. I'm still blaming others; I'm hurt broken and in pain. However, I'm also starting to wake up to sanity that no other human; unless God creates them as a new mother for me with unconditional love; They are normal people; They will hurt me. What's needed is for me to get normal in this area; heal up; How can I do that; well; I start by praying for it. That's a start. Relationships still have to be opened up about and looked over so I can get up to speed with them.
.
If I'm independent and I make a decision to date someone or go out with someone or pursue someone; the buck stops with me if there are problems; if I'm still over sensitive and not ready for relationship because I'm broken; then I need help in this area and not to get involved in relationships until I can work on this stuff and heal up to a point of being on the starting line.
.
So; feeling some sanity and independence and resilience coming back to me; just kind of beginning to remember or feeling it; its showing up just a little concerning relationships; just a bit; majorly ruptured in this area; will pray about the fix for this; the help; the therapy. Have to admit I'm scared and nervous and immature and weak and broken and sensitive in this area. And narcissistic in my denial in this area. Not being honest with myself or and others in this area; so; its still kind of dissociated from my present sense; I'm more pathological in this area. Its like I'm looking at a TV screen of that part of my life; and not present; I'm separated from self dissociatively.
.
As for Goals; ART! working on touching that art pad a few times a day; every day when I sit down at the computer; for its on an easel next to my computer desk; sitting to the right of it; just an easy arm stroke away.
My goal is to incorporate it into my present life; I put streaks on that canvas like eating lunch; its all natural and with me all day long; its part of me... Thats the goal for now!
.
.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Mark1980, Yahoo [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Installment 28; Practicing In Limbo Land
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.311s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.34
Time : 3.311s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.34