July 2025
June 2025
Productive member of society; thats where all of this is leading and the acceptance Im still broken; broken goods.
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Note; I was innocent when younger and ended up wrong; making mistakes and could not live with that; In all reality; I was 2 young to be making adult decisions and ended up around creeps… I just never knew. She I be angry at myself. Ill take it to God. And I wonder why God was not on my side looking after me. Why would God allow that to happen; I was just a child; I did not know any better.
Note; CPTSD; Im De-Compensating 8th of April?
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What does this tell me. It tells me the danger of PTSD is alive and well; nothing has changed; I pushed my nervous system to far and its dislodged from my control and now its hurting in a PTSD way that everyone with PTSD understands… or long term PTSD. It makes it hard to do anything or finish anything or participate in anything; I just want to go back inside a cave;way to the back and hide.
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However, The goal is to go outside. What does this really mean; it means goals…
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The CPTSD is not going to get better; Well; The CPTSD might; but the general PTSD is not going to; my nervous system is a PTSD based nervous system for rest of my life: Maybe?. Ill be working on recovery for the rest of my life; no big deal; Im OK with that! Its great; great that I get to work on recovery. However, I believe in this cause; working on my recovery that I can go outside. My ability to deal with or be present in reality is dull. Anything out in front of me is hard to connect with. Im not all here. I feel slow and stupid from severe trauma; slowed down and dissociated; cant move anymore.
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However, regardless; I want to learn how to connect and finish what I start. Its hard; its more then scary; its terrifying when Im de compensating from over use PTSD> My nervous system is exhausted and over ran and now its dis lodging from me. Im dis lodging from me. It is sad; that this happened in the first place and when a child. Horrible.
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Its time I look into what I can do outside.
I went for a walk with a friend and his Dog at the reservoir lake; The trails are nice; spent about 40 minutes walking around.
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I spent 20 years mountain biking… it wasnt mindless; it was real and serious mountain biking; Thats all I did for 20 years; Thats all I could do; be in my own little world alone; I got into mountain biking; it was great. The problem was; I could not get into anything else; work; relationships; nothing. Mountain biking is great. But that was all I could do; Disabled.
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Now; I would like to explore the more sophisticated areas of my personality mixed with outside; Im not sure how or where; my mind sees nothing; its PTSD’d out of existence. My mind is shut off and dull from trauma and dissociation; dissociation from PTSD> From trauma; Im just as scared now as when I was a kid. I scared from what originally happened to me.
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So; I will be asking God what the next move is.
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One area of importance;
I am not going to allow people of the past that judged me to decide who or what I am. They tried to cut me down to there size that I compete with them and lose. If I didn’t compete with there idea of success and I was nothing or less then; that would give them a chance to feel powerful. Looking back; I'm starting to see a clear picture. I was round hater filled abusers of all kinds; dangerous people that if they could get away with abusing me; they would; I meant nothing to them because they were never people to start with. I had the idea I was around; what appeared to be; Nice People! They were not; they were abusers; and they turned out to be monsters; and I'm not just talking about parents; or the concept of guardians; I'm talking about a number of the people I ran to for help when young; peoples houses I ran to in order to build a new life; get support and help; I had no idea I had ran ran to the same kind of monsters I was trying to get away from;
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Looking back at my early childhood I'm simply in shock and mad. Now I now why I never succeeded at anything; I was being completely discarded thrown away at dangerously high level of isolation. I had already been thrown away from the day I was born; I was operating on my ability to self survive; It doesn’t seem fair… I'm looking back horrified; I was between 0-5 years old. Not only do I look back and see what I; a small child was being put though; I also had to take care of myself and look for other places to go in order to develop. I mean; I had to take care of myself and come up with answers for my life at 4-5-6-7-8 years old; 9 years old. I was destroyed at 9.
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I look back at the fake friends I had at those ages; the places I visited to escape and those deceptically evil sadistic people were not my friends but I never knew it; I never knew what they were because I was in a state of survival mode and trauma; So; at 5 it was stunted like being 3. At 7 it was like being 5. At nine it was like being 5. At 10 I was showing signs of real arrested development. I was not present anymore. This means I was completely alone as a human being.
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I'm actually lucky to know about those fake friends. I found out in a most horrific and brutal way they were no friends and never had been; but later I found out they could never have been anyting else. They were mean cold caustic people. They were treacherous and deceptive. Any outsiders would be treated with contempt; I had no idea; I was just happy to escape the original guardians? I Was born into. I was already escaping at age 5. I didn’t care where I ended up; it was better then where I was from because where I was from was silence; no one there. Nothing. I didn’t know anything was half wrong; no one taking care of me; because I had nothing to compare it to when very young. At about the age of 16; I began to piece things together; this is the first time I was abuse to deduce my mother was a dangerous sadist psychopath. I knew what kind of horrific monster she was; I didn’t have a name for it yet; that would show up later in the recovery process.
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And later in the recovery process I would realize my father was no different; he was just another shade of grey matter; but still the same animal born of the same evil; pure evil. And they were working together as a team to destroy secretly who or what ever they got there hands on; especially children if they could do it; for that gave them the most fun. In my fathers case; he was trying to relive in really life; have his fun; then discard us. My mother; a psychopath full form from the beginning; so sorry any human being at any age has to be in any level of proximity to this monster; I was destroyed again and again simply by being in the proximity of a sadistic psychopath who was in control. Its a very dangerous deal; these are pure murder’rs and torture and murder is the only thing on the psychopaths mind; that and creating masks to fool others. The psychopath must create a mask in the community to fool others so they can survive; They are like man eating alligators who have put on human clothing and physical masks to fool other human beings into believing the psychopath is actually a regular human being.
I look back at the continuous trauma and what it did to me to be to close; its like radiation from a nuclear plant. I became ill from it and still am ill.
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I'm like a person who spent to much time around radiation at a nuclear plant and am now sick from it; and Ive been looking for remedy for it; for years. Im not trying to completely eradicate it anymore; instead; Im trying to learn how to live with it and learn how to live period; learn how to live again. When I try to open up to the world at to fast a pace; the symptoms of the problems come back to me and Im ill again from the condition. When this happens; its like being re traumatized at high levels; I shut down and become lifeless and comatose like and catatonic like; slowed down; stunned. Im in that stage right now. Its no fun; its sad because I remember when very young; I remember being like this and I don’t like reliving it. No one does. Its Terror!
Unfortunately; those are the kinds of filth I dealt with and I was brainwashed by; I thought they were my friends; I was being led on a wild-goose-chase; I walked right into a trap; of course I did; I was only 5 years old. They were never my friends and I was being manipulated. They caused much damage for me to associate with them. I couldn’t believe who or what they really were; unbelievable. I never knew what they were. Now I know the age old lesson of the Pied Piper. Everything appears wonderful; However, in the end they are all being brought to there deaths.
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I thought I had a best friend or a good friend or friends; nothing could have been further from the truth. In fact; its the age old story; I was being fooled by con men; no different then when child gets off a bus in a city alone and someone be friends them; that someone is a pimp or hustler that will put them into child slavery of some kind and make money off them until the child is destroyed and is no more. Because thats what always happens. No one cared about me in those places I was visiting; I was being used by sinister people with there own motives.
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Im authentically looking for change!
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Accepting my mind and nervous system the way it is; Ill start from there and attempt to have my inner being help me.
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My inner being did bring me an interest in trains and that was cool.
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What kind of work or occupations can my inner being bring me.
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What kind of social life can my inner being bring me. Ill start writing about what I want or meditation.
A whole world exists.
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My mind is off the mark concerning doing things in the real world; I still feel I need permission from the abusers to anything with my life like Im still under there thumb.
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I have moved on from several people in my area; people that played roles for me; like mother father sister brother and other roles. These people were strangers that I made into others roles to help me; just as I did when young. And it worked for a good long while and recently finally ended according to Gods wishes.
Ive come to the end of my association with them; they cant help me anymore; not sure God wants them in my life anymore; I've come to the end of my association with them; they cant help me anymore. They never knew they were helping me; the actual help I attained from them was silent; kind of under the table; the help came in forms of interaction and attention.
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However; they cant help anymore….
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So; Im attempting to accept the way I am; The base concept of trauma related mental illness has not left. Now; I would like to go outside with goals and accomplish things.
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Drugs and alcohol;
Note; How close I came to being a Drug addict and Alcoholic; I'm what I called and is called a potential drug addict and potential alcoholic. What does this mean; It means I'm a drug addict and alcoholic unrealized to its full potential; I went over the line of “problem user” or “drinker” showing authentic signs of being a drug addict and alcoholic; I experienced all of those signs but suddenly was pulled out of it into a place of help. I guess God never wanted me to experience the next 30 years of my life as a full drug addict or alcoholic. In both cases I was pulled from it; God yanked me out of those situations and into recovery processes; in fact; thats exactly what happened. I began to overdoes on drugs all the time in one form or another and ended up in hospitals and with mental illness and began seeking after therapists and shrinks for help when a teenager; very young. With alcohol; started slowly in my 20’s to 30’s; suicide attempts ended up in the hospital in the 4th floor; I ended up meeting people who got me involved in the 12 step recovery process. Next thing ya know; Im in the basement of a church in NA And AA meetings and later CR Christian Church 12 step meetings; I had a few relapses later on; but for the most part; I stopped drinking. And I began to understand about why trauma people end up abusers of substances; they are trying to escape severe trauma. So; Ive been in the recovery rooms ever since; I can see how God was trying to save me. He detoured those directions; but also; “I” detoured those directions. And those safety places of recovery saved me from the outside world as my mind was to weak and broken to be in reality or any use to anyone. I could not function; In fact; the only functioning Ive been able to deal with is the function of recovering; not much else. I was more catatonic from PTSD and could not function. Im now trying to expand that into productive member of society in my peculiar special situation. Im still just as damaged; symptoms are much better but my mind is still damaged still weak as before; I have much hope and a much better attitude about life in general and hope to participating in my life again and right now!
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Some of my worst independent life experiences were the authentic alone desolateness of drug addict alcoholic experience. Its a most horrific kind of hideousness of complete dislocation from being a human being and this feeling no one is ever going to help you… complete lost throw away!
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The first goal is meditation
Next; writing goals and practice steps to get to goals in general and practice them in my imagination.
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I'm not sure where a CPTSD person connects in the outside world that it be safe and a positive experience of growth; I don’t know; but God knows.
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So; I have goals. And I attempt to make some streaks on paper everyday to keep art alive until I might be able to be more consistent; I don’t know.
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Im getting burned out on the meetings everyday… But lots of growth occurs .
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I really am going through it right now; Im assuming Im in one big change over; Im just slowly going into it; like going into a giant wave slowly rolling in from the sea.
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I am editing right now and coming back and throwing in some extras; writing in extras. Im attempting to become a productive member of society.
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A productive member of society; What does that mean from a stand point of my background; certainly it has nothing to do with real society; but wait; maybe it does in a different shade. I want the basic abilities to express myself in honest healthy society as anyone… Ill just have to learn it from another hidden angle; and I am. Im at that place.
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Im going from broken 12 step patron to productive member of society and I'm feeling the turbulence. Im feeling the serious shake down and fear of getting my PTSD Rubbed the wrong way; its bringing up all those bad memories and I'm becoming catatonic again and withdrawn; withdrawing into my cave.
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I have to pray to God for help and the right direction and maybe let go of the traditional ideas of where Im placed in society; meaning; the innocent child in me would like the original concepts of placement in society I watched on TV as a kid and dreamed about; However, with the PTSD problems; Im not the same person and maybe those original ideas; altho good; might be hazardess to my condition. So; God has to create new people and places and things for me in society; but I have to give God a chance to do this; work with God on this. Ill pray about accepting this change over; Recovery person in recovery. Where do I fit in?
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I wanted more for my life then a nut house and yet; I could not fit into general society; I ended up in recovery.
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As I sit here at my computer; sometimes I feel completely dumb and numb. Most of the time when it comes to the outside world; Like I have no skills and don’t have the brain for anything; job or career or relationship; Nothing. I feel so much like Im 7 years old. I just want to be taken care of; I don’t seem to have much else going on; never have. Ive always wanted to just be; just be in my own private world. However, I was never able to make enough money to be in my own private world or hang on to an idea and fight for it that it be transformed into life in front of me; manifested. I could not hang on to manifests. I was 2 worn out and tired and ruptured and did not or could not nor wanted to be apart of anything anymore but still was live or maybe walking about dead.
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I should write more about that.
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Im going through some kind a change; I think its to be pushed forward into doing the things I like to do. And just doing them; Im being pushed through this electrical anxiety field that slows everything down to a crawl . Im being slammed through it so I can come out the other side with energy toward what I want to do or like to do. Everything is always working out for me.
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It seems when it comes to art right now; the equipment is coming together; thats never happened before; Everything is always working out for me.
Now; the art has to to catch up; all that PTSD triggering and such; Ill keep praying about it and see if I can get caught up to myself with Gods help.
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This is a great time to meditate; I can feel the fear coming on… the deeper part of my nervous system.
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Changes are occurring.
My apartment is set up; Halfway set up to participate in; ART. Its just so easy; the set up; the easel is up next to the right of my right arm on the right side of the art table; The art table has my gaming PC and 27 inch gaming monitor that will sub for an Art monitor. What is needed? I need a monitor arm that I can pivot the monitor into portrait mode; and the monitor arm will give me much more room on the Drafting art table. In addition Im adding a table easel; a bigger one if I want to use it and an Art board that when the end of it put on specially made blocks; has lift from the black descending slope to the front. And its big enough. And its all just kind of coming together.
I can grab a pen every few minutes and throw some lines on the art pad sitting on the easel to the right of me; And Ill be doing that for a while unit Im kind of healed; breaking through the anxiety disordered wall that separates me from protect mode and reality; nothing easy here.
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And the rest of the apartment looks good. Certainly can fine toon as I get better; organizing; cleaning; but; not bad and its been this way for months slowly getting more refined.
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I feel better; more solid and the art thing seems much closer to me; Im much closer to making commitment on it and practicing it everyday; However, today; its just a few lines thrown down; and thats it; or what ever. The goal is to get used to breaking through that anxiety wall; not easy. See how far this lasts.
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For any of this to happen; Im changing; I have to change and trust God and move forward and thats whats happening.
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I have support; its not easy; its people in the 12 step groups system. Many that have helped me have no idea who I really am or how well I change; some are treating me as if I just met them several years ago and I have to remember; they are broken people and dysfunctional. So; nothing is easy.
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The goal is to reach out to God and pray and meditation; cant say enough about meditation.
Productive member of society; thats where all of this is leading and the acceptance Im still broken; broken goods.
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