July 2025
June 2025
I've written this blog about 10 times it seems; I just couldn't put it out; write it and publish it.
.
Many things are changing; the best way to put it; old things are dying away and new things are showing up through alignment. The old is passing away.
.
The more I align; 2 faced people are slowly showing up in confrontation and leaving. For I begin to understand who they are NOT. I see there true colors and they are not needed anymore.
.
God uses people to help me develop; they are no more value then this; they play the role of mother father sister brother aunt uncle cousin or what ever else God conjures up to help me. At some point these 2 faced scoundrels are found out. They actually help because God makes them; but at some point; they are of no more use to Gods or to me. And God lifts their veil and suddenly they are evil again toward me; I am of no value to them and they show it; and at that point they show their true face and we are finish. I am usually humiliated publicly by these liars. However, one must realize; Its not personal. Who ever they are or what ever they think of me is irrelevant. They come n go.
.
The key is to stay in alignment with God. Some of these 2 faced people are not safe; they truly put on false masks and one cant see them at first; so; it is nice when my association with them is over. They scare me; they are not safe people to associate with. They are unsafe.
.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things are changing. I'm starting to see where God is taking me. Its not an easy journey. As I advance; I am still weak; especially with the ability to deal with the friction of touching reality.
.
My dissociative mind cant handle strait reality. Nothing has change from this basic concept.
.
What is changing; My spirituality is bringing about a new set of goals within society or my awareness. I cant say I'm getting stronger but some part of me deep inside is. The outside is overloaded and cant handle the PTSD and reality at that same time.
.
Although I'm AVPD and Agoraphobic; my goals are about being outside. Or; having dreams and going after them. So; God is helping me with my dreams.
.
I am getting stronger or more willing to face things. How can I put this. I'm getting stronger to understand what is needed for my independent actions; However, this does not make it any easier being independent although I'm heading in that direction. I guess I'm talking about dissociation; keeping my head together.
.
I have a goal; moving toward the ability to create what I want to create right now. This would require the ability to be present; to present for my mental state to handle. Even tho the mental problems rule; some part of me wants to come forward and help bring some strength to the table.
.
The goal is; if I want to create music; Ill create music; if I want to create art; Ill create art; I wont let anything stop me nor my thoughts of being pummeled; and they are real thoughts of real situations from the past; its not false; its all real PTSD based stuff so; the triggering is hard brutal.
.
I'm taking chances becoming independent.
.
I'm noticing the strength to walk away from fake people. God allowed them or forced them to want to help me when it wasn't their nature to do so. However, as I've grown; I've grown out of them and moved on. In some ways; they were my mother and father and suddenly I out grew them and moved on.
.
I need a mother and father and wait upon God to bring me new ones. I hate loneliness and expect God to bring the right people; The old ones are just that; Old news, God has lifted their veil and they are no longer of interest to me.
.
I am to be around those that want to help; no one else; So; I must keep at meditation; for meditation aligns me with God and that means God hears my requests.
.
.
As I have written; my main objective is the free ability on a daily basis to create things if I want to; not to be stopped by fear; having a personality strong enough to hold reality. And I get hit with so many horrible horror based thoughts of the past; I'm triggered so much; so much PTSD. I'm overwhelmed because that past life is brought into the present by remembering the past. I'm reliving everything.
.
I have to keep working with GOd. Meditation is very importance.
.
I'm looking for the strength to become independent.
.
.
The other area of interest is; goals in the outside world. Ill open up and align with my inner being through meditation.
.
SO; I'm moving into personal independence... I'm damaged goods; Ill pray for the right people to help.
.
I had no family; nothing but monsters; that's all it was... Nothing else. So; God bringing the right people is important.
.
I'm trying to say something. God has to bring more people; the right people. The old ones are disappearing. God brought those people to play my mother and father; and they played that role well! but then God pulls that role from them and I move on and that's where I'm at now. New people , places, and things.
.
The key is to keep working with God. And again I want to say that I'm still mentally ill; my mind is just as weak as its ever been; its the same condition. However, the inside of me spiritually is changing. However, my mind is damaged. My personality is damaged; while my attitude gets better and stronger..
.
.
I have to remember this is an on going replication of self from the past; a re generating; I have the chance to learn how to rebuild a life; its a kind of cyber-version reenactment-life.
.
Ill be working through this anxiety disorder until my death; the day I die. Ill will continue on this journey until I die. The point is; it will always be a continuous journey until I die; the last day of my life.
.
.
So; goals are upon. I'm hoping to move on from where I'm at to new groups and new people; I can feel it within my soul...
.
.
Signs;
My apartment is a sign; How organized it is; may not mean much to anyone else. If they were inside here with me; it may just look normal to them; but that is the point; it doesn't look like a Mad Max desert combat video game anymore. Its slowly taking shape of someone who is thinking in terms of organized refined management.
.
.
I'm on the verge of a mental change of some kind. Something moving forward. Moving beyond where I'm at.
.
I mentioned signs from inside my apartment; organization; also; I'm looking for the ability to freely create in music and art not being influenced by the past. Not being triggered by the past. More importantly; accepting that I will be triggered by the past and on going PTSD but it wont stop me from creating art; in addition; Ill learn how to slow down and handle life at that moment; that is the goal.
.
I've been around worthless evil people pretentious; I've played the game around them; people pleased to stay passive in order to get the recovery I'm looking for. Hopefully God will move me on from this level. The question is; to what level and where am I moving. What new place will be showing up. And; I have to pray about moving on from yesterday...
.
So; if I gain my spiritual strength back; Ill start creating in the present; that means the PTSD triggers; I wont be listening to those triggers; Ill be aware of them; Ill not let the fear take me over; I'm always hiding/avoiding; I don't want to be triggered. I have a goal today simply to make it through triggers and finish the task at hand.
.
Meditation I think is the answer right now; I need a new set of instructions on where to go and what to do with my life for the next segment; this comes from my inner being.
.
Many other signs are occurring.
.
I'm still interested in trains; However, I'm not sure if they have been put back on the shelf for the time being. I'm not sure; Ill keep working with an inner being on things.
.
.
So; the inside of my apartment is looking more n more stream lined as I get it together. That means I'm trusting some of the processes from God. I have a whole personal war of experiences when dealing with that frequency; fear terror and horror. That frequency is so horrible my mind has dissociated that frequency. Now; I'm about to acquaint myself with little bits of that frequency. Ill get hit or bombarded with trauma memories and PTSD. Im going to step back and take a break and learn to deal with it and then stand up; pray, and move forward down my pathway.
For example;
Think of a hidden river current in the ocean. Everything looks normal from 40 feet below; suddenly while scuba diving; suddenly I get pulled into a current 40 feet under the water and I take off at 40 miles an hour against my will down the underwater current; never saw it; everything looked normal; invisible currents and with it debris; never saw the debris; when I'm being rushed with the current through it; debris is slamming into me from all angles entangling me; smashing me; tearing at me. Never saw it; its the same color as the water. I get bombarded and go into freeze mode psychologically. This example how trauma thoughts control my life.
.
So; where am I right now; Well; if one were in my apartment; one would say that regardless of how long it took or what kind of recovery was required or spirituality; it seems I'm able to create with Gods direction and the universe's; I can create a functional work space of at least a basic level and keep it clean to a marginal basic acceptable level; Something I was never capable before. I could not organize anything because it would expose to much aligned thinking in reality; I did not want to be in reality; I wanted to avoid reality at all costs. Keeping things unclean and cluttered was a protection for me... I never allowed anyone into my apartment because of this.
.
Breaking my goals into 2 concepts;
So if I break this into 2 concepts; first; Showing organizational skills within the home; and second; organizational skills outside the home; meaning; lets say that I now have an organized way within my apartment; My apartment appears organized and clean; Id like to take things a step further; moving on; creating Art;
.
I start praying about what to create artistically and for whom; and how big would the canvas be; where or who would I show the work to. Where or how would I sell it in town and online; who would I meet. What other business people or artists would I meet. How would I act dress talk? What about my past. All of these things are management type things; or organizational skills outside. These are the extroverted organizational skills.
.
The introverted skills are; Showing the ability to organize my inner surroundings; Inside my apartment.
.
So; I've changed in my behavior, thoughts, and attitude. Real change seems to be present. I have to remember; I'm always triggered and PTSD is just behind my conscious mind; so I'm bugged all the time; the stress and pressure of reliving things minute after minute; day after day; life time after life time. I've gotten used to all this so; I'm trying the best I can to just accept the way I am; set goals and with help of God and man and myself; move forward. I want to feel safe outside and find safe places to be part of; being safe is very important to me when outside.
.
Success Thinking!
The Book; "Think and Grow Rich" Is always at the top of the counter as well as the laws of attraction and online coaches who freely share there vids for me to learn from and watch on YouTube; also; I hit a million 12 step meetings all the time. I attend several 12 step meetings daily.
.
.
My goal is music and art creation and constant steady participation in Plastic Model kit building; My Hobby!!
.
.
THINGS ARE CHANGING;
.
So; I've been dabbling with music and Art; Also; Ill do more plastic model building.
.
.
My apartment has tested the state of time for the last 4-5 months organized and clean. I've revamped and refurbished a few times; 2 major times; one just recently; ever changing everything around; talking to the universe and getting new ideas for minimalistic ergonomics. Things are working out; For a minute; for a moment.
.
I was Decompensating!
I was decompensating and the volcano rumbled but never went off and the disease never spread
.
However, Nothing did crawl out of the sink; the disease; It just never materialized outside onto the counter tops; thus; it never made its way onto the floors or other stations within the apartment; for basic purposes; everything stayed clean and intact. So; for the first time; altho I shuttered a bit; everything stayed solid.
.
Because my apartment stayed solid; and because I don't drink anymore; its been a long long time. I have nothing left to do but to recover concerning my outside interests and how I manage in the world.
.
.
FEELING GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AND FEELING GOOD OUTSIDE AND AROUND OTHERS; IS THE GOAL
.
Ill be working on the recovery of this Anxiety disorder for the rest of my life.
.
How do I feel about myself around others? I plan to feel good about myself around others; and there it is; that is the goal. It almost seems impossible but it doesn't tho.
.
Its not impossible; everything Is always working out for me.
.
Its possible; Everything is always working out for me.
Its going to happen; Everything is always working out for me.
.
.
What does it feel like being up next to others; it feels like I'm in a static freeze mode up against abusers; I've been brainwashed to stay alive; go silent and do not fight back but stay in one place so I can have a better chance of longer term survival... of course; with all my rights taken from me; So; I feel worthless around others. I was taught I had no rights around anyone. And thus I would suck all my emotions down as far as I could and go into silent freeze mode and stay that way.
.
So now! My goal is to like myself independently around anyone where there is no co dependency shining. Ill feel inner independent and free and free to come and go as I please around others; One aspect tho; I must like myself first and have a life first to the best of my ability; not need others to supply that life; where I turn into a fawning machine giving myself away to everyone I meet. This will be strange and hard; and I'm going to have to practice how to feel good about myself in the outside world.
.
I figure Ill be at this the rest of my life; no big deal; I'm fine with that; socially; My real goal is relief; Learning how to set goals and be part of things and stand up for myself and walk away and not listen to ancient brainwashing telling me; I must need people and give myself away to them; Instead Ill turn to God and be myself; if Im not treated right Ill go. And Ill learn how to be nice to others; This is going to take allot of work; but look what happened in my apartment!; I had success in my apartment; That never happened before.....
.
As for music and art;
I'm looking for manageability in my creation process in my apartment and out in the real world. I would present my art work to the world whether in town or online. If I get to feeling better; I plan to go all the way with art. Im not suggesting I can just snap my fingers and every things "here now".
.
Im suggesting I have a long term plan to over come the problems when Im outside. Its a dream; Ill pray about it and get started.
.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Shrauniuv, Yahoo [Bot]
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 4.046s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 4.58
Time : 4.046s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 4.58