July 2025
June 2025
I've written this about 3 times now... Updates for the Compter so I bash'd and erased and went my own way a few times; smashing and dashing!
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So; Ill get to the important info.
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Goals for Purpose; from the universe.
1#..... First; back story. I wanted purpose; my inner being that is hooked up to the universe; as I had been practicing meditation; unfolded for me the idea of trains. It started very small; I wanted to find a steam engine train in some western small town I could ride on for half a day. The idea continued; Soon the universe brought me to Amtrak and the rest is history. I'm looking forward to my first Amtrak ride; the Amtrak life; solo traveler.
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Problems; I realized; The concept of riding on a train was great; However, I had no interest or vision or direction or focus or destination or purpose for being in the city I would land within from the Amtrak station parked. Im still into trains though...
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Im feeling OK; feeling better; I have GOd regardless and the ability to keep reaching out to my higher power. And thats what counts; Ill keep working with God on all things; whether it be places to travel to or if I change my mind or what im suppose to do during the day; Ill open it all up to God; all of it.
I could walk around the station and that would be cool; However; as soon as I walked through the doors to the city outside I was lost with no interest or direction or purpose.
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I asked the universe about this; How do I find purpose within the city; it took awhile and then something started to show up., new information
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My goal to start with is to pick any kind of purpose for being in the city. I am to pick something before I ever get on the train; Ill pick it several days before I leave on a train trip.
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Examples of general purpose;
I will find a pond in the city; I will find a rock; I will bless the rock and give it a magic spell; Then throw the rock into the pond; DONE! Purpose for that experience completed. And then Ill come home or wonder around the city and come home.
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I can created all kinds of purposes when in the city; any city. I can create a new purpose for each city I visit through Amtrak.
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Next concept of purpose in the city.
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Go to the city with several small purposes to accomplish; like throwing a magic stone into a pond; as I mentioned above.
However, this time, walk around the city and find purposes when in the city. Don't think about it until I'm in the city. Walk around the city; take a note book and write what feels right; what I discover; DONE.
None of this is to heavy; its not hard stuff... Keep a ledger of such things at home of all my journeys and catalog what I find.
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Next phase I was shown by the Universe.
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Start looking for and creating my own purposes in the small town I live in; start when I get up in the morning; " Im going to go outside and go to the park and dig a small hole and bury a small chest within it; pray over it; a magic chest; give it a magic spell and be off. That will be my purpose for that morning.
Maybe Ill look for three birds of different colors in the park; that will be my next purpose when I go outside.
And so much more everyday in my home town where I live.
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I can walk down town and look for purposes hiding in front of me on the streets and the buildings and such.. and those passing by.
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So; I think I'm making my point about finding purposes. I'm not suggesting these are the ultimate purpose; I'm suggesting this is how my brain is taught to unfold itself to the greater world around me...
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I realized; there's 500 million things to do in a city; My mind is closed to all of them. What I've written above is a good exercise to get someone's creative mind working again to find meaning and desire once they leave the train in a big city.
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The same search can be done on YouTube I guess. I might be a smart move to try this and write down several discoveries everyday for a week on finding purpose on YouTube... In fact; I could go to an online music site and look through there product pages and look for purposes...
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I'm working on purpose. The universe unveils knew things to me when I truly ask for them..
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Next move I'm working on. I've got about 7 hobbies at home. They key is to start them and work on them. I have no answers yet accept I finally listened to more meditations on you tube and I'm now back doing somethings again; music stuff and wanting to work with my plastic model kits. I've got other things; I can sing I can play the guitar; I would say write songs; but that is way to painful and fearful it is associated with the time period of being sexually abused; so lots of horror and terror and dissociation associated with it; anyway; I've got Art and small stories I could write.
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As for writing; I need a purpose; possibly to be good enough to be published; that could be a purpose. Im a creative guy so why not.
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So; I just described things I can do at home.
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People can be a purpose; meeting and talking to people and building different kinds of relationships; I would like to try this; although I'm certainly not ready for anything dealing with people; that is way way off; way above me right now.
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Writing music with notation is a major purpose for me. I started again yesterday a bit; we will see if I cant pray and meditate and hold on.
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Im starting to see a way out of Limbo land onto the other bank... The other side of self; to the better parts of myself and direction and ambitions. I'm starting to see where all of this is leading and how it can open up if I keep this up; its kind of breaks through walls into open fields where anything I want is waiting for me to be created in my imagination.
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I'm seeing that there might not be walls in that direction but work! much work to move forward; and fear is the problem; and all of that is a wall!
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I am a bicyclist and going to resorts with biking in mind is OK in general; but I'm getting to old.. I can still go slowly on general single track trails; Trail riding but not free riding or fast All mountain Or Down Hill or something; and certainly not at big resorts who have Olympic size down hill courses for kamikazes. I guess.
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The beginning of weight loss is occurring; it starts with food. Slowly changing to diet food and much less coffee intake. I go to 12 step meetings and drink about 10 cups a day. If and when I lose all the weight; I'm investing in a real accurate weight scale and Ill weigh myself everyday; If I go a 10th over my wight I'm heading out on the bike for 6 hours and lose the weight.
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So; I'm also looking for purpose during the day so Ill keep at the constant working of interests and not quit or give up. For example; I might be working on plastic model kits; and want to continue...
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Money!
Money purpose; A money consciousness. Nothing in my life is as important then getting this consciousness back in to alignment for it should have been and must be first; without it; we don't have middle class people and we don't have rich folks. And that means we end up poor and always in poverty; and that sucks... Its a horrible fire eating wolf it is...
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Brainwashing got me into poverty; positive self brainwashing will get me out. This is a harder one for me; the gap is extreme from where I'm at to having that new money mind set; However; its all ready building; have been at it for a while now. I'm lucky I even get a chance to attempt to change. ITs slow; its happening.
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Video games; God brought back video games to me. Thank God for Steam. I have about 85 games and a nice conservative gaming Pc and monitor with a 3060Tv GPU, 16 gigs of ram and 1 terabyte hard drive. However, I would opt for at least a 2 terabyte next time. No big deal I can replace; not that much money anymore. I don't care right now. I mean; I put down load the games I'm going to use; only a few at a time. So; Id like to get more into that as well.
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The idea of being wealthy is what interests me; Money! Money to travel; money to go anywhere anytime I want... and do what I want! This is called money consciousness. I would have learned and developed this when a small boy; 5 year old starting out if I had the right cards dealt to me; i did not; So; I have the opportunity to do it now. ITs a slow re programing of the brain into a wealthy mind set. This also means taking control of my own life; having my own life being the creator of it. And being safe and independent.
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Music And Art; this falls into the daily experience of purpose; something I've not yet worked on.. not minute by minute; that is much to close for me. When I'm stronger this will fall into place I hope. I'm hoping and gambling on all this stuff that it happens the way I want it to.
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This is not an easy time; Its humiliating; I'm having to re establish myself alone without any of the support I remember I thought I had when young. non of it; no trace as if it and I never existed. As if I was never born or part of anything anywhere.
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So; i have memories of who I was and I'm going off those memories to re establish who I am. Its hard; but the great news I think is; Its possible and at some point those past people and places wont matter; I will have returned to myself.
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I'm rebuilding now the way I always wanted to be grown when young; all the things I thought I would go through with a decent family. Its as if all was watched on TV and I thought it would happen to me; a decent family and life; and non of it did. Looking back now; im shock of what I went through and 80% non success rate. I beat that. However, Not yet.
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As my memories return to me and I feel the grief of loss; I'm shocked and amazed how nothing exists anymore; its all memories and nothing more then this. However, I know and believe I can become anything I want to; and it just gets stronger the more I search and push forward in the direction of my inner being.
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I know I'm going to come back; I can feel it but I'm not back yet.
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NOTE; And I see independent concepts; I saw a pic of a tour bus in Seattle and suddenly I'm back there; I see this girl of the past along with it; and I'm slammed. Suddenly I have to get rid of her from my memory. These days I'm rebirthing into life and going solo with no one else for a long while until I re experience things alone. I have to learn on my own with Gods help how to do things; if I want support Ill ask God and God will bring it but will never be with anyone or anything like the previous evil I came from. And non of this is easy. However, I believe is possible.
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I remember the hope and good feelings of childhood when I Was in my own world. and I believe again because I am that same child. Its now up to me to slowly work with God to stabilize the child part of me and the adult part of me into a new creature developing his own life with no need of yester year. For I'm simply becoming that person again but without the same people and places and things of the past. But I have not forgotten what I loved about life in those time periods for is forged who I am. And I get to have those hidden dreams come back of how I viewed life. And with time ill be able to self actualize on them. I'm not sure I'm getting all the feelings out I want to get out.
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This is more than just starting over. I get a chance of a life time. I get to be myself again from and early age and start over as if I never lived a previous life. The problem is; Ill also have no experience at any part of life. Ill be starting from scratch and probably from the same level of maturity as a 12 year old. This could be a problem because I must jump from a child's life to a later form of emotional life; Thus; I must work with my higher power to help me gain or gather the experiences I need to fill in that time period from childhood to the more present situation; This will cause much havoc and fear and loneliness and pain; However, Ill get through it. And as I slowly come back to my dreams and goals Ill be stronger for it and Ill be present again! Awake!
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I might have to pull the plug on my major trip by train. Maybe; Ill keep praying about it. The train stations have so many homeless when walking outside; I'm not sure its a safe bet for finding hotel and walking to it. Ya know; I really don't know. I don't know much about trains yet; I've never been on one yet concerning this cycle of present things. I might want to start out getting experience on trains first and work my way into it; still have goals but not start out in New York city or something crazy like that. I don't know yet. Its a bit of a let down. Ya know; Ill keep working with God on this stuff and do Gods will.
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