July 2025
June 2025
I'm in Limbo Land. This is an open place of aloneness and opportunity of development to survive into independence. ITs a growing place. Its like being put into a desert; However; spirits are in this desert. And many things can get done working with this hidden society of ghosts. But one cant see them with there eyes; they must see them within there soul and imagination; growth.
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I'm now getting more signals from the universe for the answers I seek; It is hard answers; I must face the dissociative condition and although my mind pulls away without my choice; I must remember what I was attempting to work through in order to hold on to it so I can work on it again. I literally forget; its almost completely erased and my mind had already switched and that's that; no feeling nothing; its like I had no desire for it; another personality... I do not control it; that's the problem; its switching in n out in seconds all the time.
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The key is to work with my inner being to what my inner being wants and continue to work toward it to thus attempt to open me up; and Ill be doing this for the remainder of my life everyday; its a fight to open up the vast tundra of dissociation Metrix that closes everything down. Its like a giant hurricane with snow rushing winds and sand scopes and whirl winds masking anything under it; And when get close to it; I'm immediately put into a fog of dissociation and amnesia and cant remember why I came and I move on; And I don't remember moving one. The next thing I remember is I'm one to something else and don't remember ever being close to it.
With this level of defenses; its very hard to fool the system and break through.
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ITs a life long quest. In its Okey. And if this is all I ever do this will be enough in my life; It is just fine. I have no problems with that. I'm on the right track; more meditation and prayer and goals.
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I have some goals and Ill work with the universe on those goals. the key is to learn that I'm worth it; and work with the universe on how to feel good about myself. A horrible sad part does exist; its the completely thrown away child that I must look at and he at me and the horror and disfigurement of all this.
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It would be really neat to really get into something; it's been impossible so far because of survival mode; it just wont let me go there or get in or open up; not after life death circumstances.
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So; I cant beat myself up for not knowing what all of this looks like or will look like; its all a kind of mystery I'm willing to work on daily to see what I discover. I certainly have my wish list of getting better; However, Dealing with long term heavy PTSD and Dissociative disorder is tricky.
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The key is to be appreciate about what has happened so far; the discoveries so far.
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My inner being when I meditate; I began to become aware of new things and new directions and new answers and new ways of dealing with goals and new instructions to continue to fight for my goals even Tho I don't know how they will come about.
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I'm mentally disabled and working is almost impossible. I'm not in that world; I never have been. I'm shut out from all things; Dissociative disorder. This does not mean the universe cant implant instructions within my mind to seek new places and people and possible come up with things I feel safe at being part of. I don't know; its all up to the universe.
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I would love to align at a deep level for the whole day knowing what I'm suppose to do; I assume I would learn to do the things I lover to do and actually be able to stay present and do them. This causes much fear when writing like this; it makes the deeper part of my nervous system and defense systems nervous. My defensive system is on red alert all the time.
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Working with my inner being; My inner being as allowed me to become aware that what ever creation I create; it needs to be finished and polished and a product able to stand on its own if brought around people. If its a set of songs; They need to be done and written up; same quality of something one hears on the radio; I need to be able to play it and sing it with guitar or piano and have it completed and memorized; I mean; this is just the basics;
What has been missing from me is the that extra ability to but pride into something and be present; only being present beyond survival mode can I put the work into something as being the creator and feeling in control of the situation to create something of solid value to take to the public. And as the universe has made clear; this is the problem or the goal I seek; to be able to over come survival mode somehow and go beyond into a deeper presence that over looks the process of producing and finishing an idea from conception to completion.
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It sounds so easy and seems to look so easy to just finish something to completion but not with Dissociative disorder; it steps in and changes me and will not allow me to go any further.
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I think what most important right is now is that I'm OKEY being who I am. I'm OK at the continuing of seeking answers in no man's land for things that are invisible to me but not to the universe or my inner being. I'm better then I use to be; I feel safer; more far away from the original traumas. I still depend on the meetings to much because there are unsafe characters at those places and they will try to bother me if they can get away with it.
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I'm also learning to experiment with things first before I buy something. I buy something with the idea I'm going to use it for my later fame and fortune and adventures; only to have Dissociative disorder blank me out before I ever get started over n over n over and buying something new; a new machine that would help me; it doesn't help me because I never follow through. I'm trying to learn to follow through. I'm trying to learn how to finish something in my specific situation with my specific set of problems. PTSD at deep deep deep cutting levels is also the problem; AVPD and so on......
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The universe is my friend. I would like to get to a point that I don't expect anything in anticipation in the negative sense. I'm so needy it has to show up; I'm hoping this is not the case.
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not done yet; haven't said enough.
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My first love; I have to get over her to move on; this is horrible way beyond human level grief. I always feel like I will be abandoning her. I always feel on watch concerning her; I'm here to protect her; I am her protector; that's what God sent me for; to teach her and protect her; Pure love. But that cant be because she is gone. So being a dedicated person who would stand with the person I love; to stand with her all of my life is to actually be standing with a ghost that has been gone for 2 3rds my life.
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Can I learn to feel good about myself with out any memory of her. It seems codependent; As if with out her I'm nothing; that's what happened. And I would like my identity back and my inner strength and my choices and to be present again with out the brainwashing of depending on someone else for my worth; I need to know my own worth independently. I have to move on. Its so hard. And yet; a life awaits me on the other side.
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Losing weight. I'm obviously not in control of my own life. I'm 50 pounds over weight for no reason accept laziness. If I'm not going to exercise then I cant eat the way I'm eating.
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I still have more to say.
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I am excited about buying some new things; but not if I don't use them... So; a problem exists; Ill take it to my higher power.
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I want to travel....
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So at a meeting this morning; I revealed more; No one has to know what it means or where its from. I described mental illness; that although I've had allot of recovery and my systems are down from the onslaught of trauma. My nervous system and warped and so is my mind and identity; Its no different then when I was 12 years old; its the same nervous system after it got destroyed. Nothing has changed and I cannot function right. I cant really have relationships and I cant work.
I cant handle reality; things like owning a car; I cant handle if I run out of money and don't have money; I cant handle anything; any kind of stress; to the point that I dissociate the idea of having a car when it enters my mind. In addition; I have massive triggered when trauma bonded under abusers and I became learned helplessness; almost like I was a captive; I was destroyed again and again.
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The point is; I might say I'm going to write a song and perform it; memorize it; get it in good solid working ability but it never happens; but I had the right intention but that because I'm on the other side of these walls. When I actually attempt something; I'm shut down before I know what happened.
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And I explained to the group that all my life its been this way. The fact is; I've never functioned or been present since 9 years old; it was over for me then. I was thrown away and destroyed; so; accepting where I'm at now.
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Accepting where I'm at now; So; Life is kind of cool right now; because I'm dealing with my disability and learning how to have goals and work with the universe and step outside and understand my limitations. Just saying I'm going out side sets my nervous system into red alert. I'm taken back to 9 years old and the feelings start coming back and the dissociative disorder gets the alert it will be looking in every direction to see if a predator is coming for me; its all PTSD forms of. So even going outside is to much for me. I've been destroyed.
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However, My acceptance of the situation also allows me to dream about things I want to do. So; I can learn how to make plans for the things coming out of me from my inner being; allot of those things are very easy things; taking a train ride. maybe finding a reason to go outside and do something; for some it would be taking pictures or for me recording sounds at a park; nature; and writing music around it. Something like that!
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So; I can look at my life as slowly learning how to enhance my experiences and try to break through some of the dissociative conditioning; Or what ever has to happen for me to go on that train ride; dream and have it as a goal. Manifest it; work with God.
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I've got allot of PTSD from allot of different time periods so; and all of this causes a general dissociation; add to the the present where I'm not living an ideal life; I'm at the mercy of the state and getting state money. So; I'm not safe necessary or living where and how I would love to live.
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Can any of this change; can I learn to live where I want to live or live a life I really want; yes; I can work toward it; how the universe brings it to me is up to the universe. And I can work on my goals toward this. Knowing I have these limitations; I don't have to have something happen for me and if I don't get it; Ill throw myself off a bridge; I wont do that. I don't have to or need to. I'm just a guy slowly learning how to develop? his dream. What's the word I'm looking for; appreciation. Learning to apricate that I have dreams and goals and learning how to accept the process of going after these things with Gods help.
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One area extremely important to me is; What do I want to do right now and for the rest of the day. I'm so dissociated from reality; NOW reality. Its as it was after the destruction at 9 years old; Its a constant depersonalization; its like I'm far removed from reality and I'm in a giant thick glass jar looking out at the world and I cant move. The world is warps and 1 dimensional with no feelings. The sounds are broken up; bent distant and 1 dimensional. Its as if I'm inside a building watching a TV and I call that life. But that's what its like when I step outside. And the pTSD that is already right under my conscious mind; when I go outside it gets flared up and the symptoms get much much worse after being triggered from being outside.
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Its very important that I have a reason to go outside. And thus; the goals from the universe sent to my inner being. And when I meditate I see those things and they start to become aware to me.
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Safety and security mean much to me.
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Heres the deal; Its like taking a vacation. I know that when I go somewhere I have to come home to a place I don't want to be. I mean; its Ok. But I'm back in a world I'm trying to escape from always; and that's always the way it is.
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SO; Ill take all of this to the universe and maybe changes can occur. Money would solve everything. And thus; my attitude about money would solve everything. So a change from fear to receiving and acceptance. I'm always in a state of paranoia.
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So; I have my dreams and I know that when I get up in the morning and I'm actually interested in something; doing something; I'm actually interested in; that's what counts.
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SO; I'm boldly telling others in groups... Im getting bold'r. I'm not interested in what they think of it.
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However, this morning; I was asking God to send me to the right people and groups who would understand. Be part of those groups.
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I'm also trying to remember my original life was on C street and not some other street or foster like parent situation from another part of town or another city. I am from C street. That is my identity and was my home. Many times PTSD will fall through within me and end me up reliving something from another house or place or time as if that's who I am; and that is not who I am and not my time period that defines my life. My life originated on C street.
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Looking back at my original life; I realize though; No one ever came to my house; no friends; very few. I always went to them. If I had not gone to them they would have never met me nor cared I guess.
In much resentment work; I noticed the people I had resentments against; they never tried to be friends with me. I showed up at there house. They never showed up at mine. If I stopped calling them; that would be the end of the friendship. I would never hear from them again.
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In general; let me say that I am getting somewhere; things are changing for me and my goal is to be active and productive during the day with the things I like to do.
My goal is to find out what I like to do and learn to be actively participating in that all day long.
I have fears when I write about this stuff so Ill look at it; it feels like someone could come and take it all away from me again as when young so its hard to come out of Survival mode to participate; However, Im working with the universe on this stuff.
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ITs micro micro steps; 5 steps forward in my imagination and then back create a trail that is well warn with experience; but its small small steps at first; very small.
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So; the next blog after this begins.
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I've gotten to the point; I'm on my own. If I cant function or don't function; I could but I'm not blaming on what caused the initial problem in the first place because I've already done all that in years of resentment work with therapist and 12 step groups and working and writing the steps with a
sponsor.
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Heres an example of disability; I buy a nice business van; costs me 45 Grand; But there there's no gas stations where I live. or It doesn't use the kind of gas that is sold in my country. Other people see the Van and want to go for a ride; Great Van; but its unusable not because of the Van simply because of the gasoline problem. Or it could be a tire problem; the only people that sell tires for that Van are the manufacturers and they are from another country and I wont see any for 9 months. So; the van is useless; I try different techniques; build my own tires; try to repair the old tires myself. Buy something similar and cut them down to size; but it doesn't work. Soon I realize; There's nothing I can do about this specific set of problems dealing with these tires. Nothing... When mine wear out; I wont see a set for 9 month if ever.
What is the point of this. The van is useless without tires; Its like a disability. I can run out side and try to function like everyone else over n over n over. It wont work; I have to work with God and understand that inner sections of self do not work. I dissociate; and I don't control that. I have to accept myself the way it is and understand I have to start at the ground up with other techniques if possible.
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To report on the last thing before I move on.
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Music; new thoughts have come to me from the universe; and this is good.
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Suddenly thoughts on playing basic music concepts live; what would I need; Id need a simple little toy keyboard. Actually a little powered keyboard or midi keyboard and my computer and or a speaker; It would be for a basic average room. Maybe a mic for singing a guess; Kind of a busking situation like; same kind of thing. Small songs; minute or less. Or something I create. I still write them out in notation.
So; This is getting closer. However, I dont buy anything until some songs are complete.
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I still see myself with a new macbook pro; Im on the Amtrak going to Seattle; Id have to get a room for 2 nights I think. Id wonder around downtown take the bus maybe an on off bus. Go check out the plastic models at one of the model stores; Hobby stores. Go to the zoo; Guitar center; that would great. cool. Id go to the coffee shop; I checked out a few I can hang out at and just write music; That would be cool.
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I thought about the idea of just going to Seattle or Portland; I went to school in Portland years ago... I know both places. I can take the Amtrak to either....
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Amtrak; Macbook pro Seattle; coffee shop! Thats what Im seeing.
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Longer sight-seeing trip somewhere. We will see; Ill pray about it.
SO; I am getting some signs of what to do during the day that I would like to do.
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As for social; well; not yet; but as I get more of my life under my feet and my frequency gets higher; I can see many social things opening up; but not yet; Im no where near that...
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Weight lose has to be addressed.
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