OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sun May 13, 2012 12:21 am

Im AVPD

Through most of my life, almost all of my life; I have never been enough. Yet, Ive been fine with GOd and for a long while as a child, I was OK with myself. Others saw I had a life; destroyed it.

So confusing. Do I love or let them go. My rule has been: if they treat me with no respect then they must go. Yet, what if they respond to my attention in favorable ways. Its really strange. Emotionally Im accepted. Economically; not excepted. For some, economics is more important then who I am as a person.

I don't like shallow people. I never have. What happens when I attract a shallow person. What do I do; right them off; date them, or be friends. What do I do. Should I get to know them first; with the understanding that they may have to be let go. Do they like me, or, is it about the clothing I wear. Is it both. What If the clothing is fake. Should love be based on love or money.

I love you , I want to be with you, You have money and you have love. What!, you only have love, yet its real love, long lasting love. No thanks!, I need money to go with that milkshake.

Im not sure how to deal with Personality disorders that Im attracted to. I don't know what they want.

I feel at times I was thrown away; lack of funds. Its not that I cant talk people into things. I don't want to. Why cant I be accepted for who I am.

Im afraid to communicate with people that are murky. They will say one thing and later mean another. Im not sure what to do.

Ive talked to therapists about it. The answer I got from them: good luck. Your more brave then I am.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu May 10, 2012 10:13 pm

Still getting bullied. I haven't dealt with that. Haven't dealt with thugs that try to control me. Big shots with small minds, they are making life unsafe. People that are so stupid they actually believe they scare me. I am scared, scared of the district attorneys office. Im not interested in going to war and ending up in front of the judge. Yet, I still have to get the resentments out and I have to learn to live with out having a reason to be pulled in front of the judges office. Its about older deeper resentments.

Im trying to live through the wrong people to solve my problems. Im on the edge, living dangerously. Im in delusion if I think my thinking is healthy, it is not, it is resentment based and could get me killed. However, more realistically I will end up humiliated and looked upon as a class clown that others don't have to take seriously.
Others are forcing me into a corral to compete with them. Im being forced against my will. I can leave. That is my only option. Im an honest honorable man. Many people don't like people like me as the rules I live by dull there life style. These people live by one ideal: authority. Either they rule or get ruled. My opinion: I don't have time to be a victim or the victimizer, nor am I interested in playing games. TRix are for kids!

Im hooked like a fish. I want to kill, I want to fight, I want to kill and fight anyone that looks or acts like the people that hurt me from my past. I am finding myself hanging out or around these undeveloped humanoids, and Im getting taken advantage by them. Im not sure what to do. Im overwhelmed. I need to walk away and get out of the harmful situation; grieve the loss and move on.
Its about Pride, its about humiliation. To be publicly humiliated sucks. Its almost to much for me. I want to kill.

I want to go back and fight some more.

I dont like being controlled by people that push power, when they have non. Bullies try to intimidate and scare. I haven't dealt with the bullies from the past. How can I deal with the ones from the present.

More step work!

by **OMNICELL** on Tue May 08, 2012 3:47 am

I have to remember

Life is lonely

I have to reach out

Dealing with work issues is coming next. Just talking about it; this will be hard. Work issues, control issues, carry many deep loads of PTSD.

Most of this blog is the PTSD talking. Something triggers in me and the warrior alter comes out, or traits of this alter.

The problem is; I live in a land of people that do not respect boundaries. They are controlling and stupid. People that cross my boundaries; I want to kill. To me, its war! Its that simple. I ain't going to war to French Kiss in the parking lot. Im going to war to kill anything in my killing zone.

I am at odds with my society and the way it has been running. I have no idea of the boundary structures that are required to deal with people that of my country that cross me. To me; If a man crosses into my 3 foot space without permission, with no respect for intent. He's dead! Thats his fault, not mine. Next time he can be invited into my space. Next time he can think first. But then he will be gone, wont he!

I like dealing with real men. They understand the way of things; the laws of the jungle. Respect/boundaries/territory

Women have taken over the masculine role of men.. If that isn't confusing, I don't know what is!!

Iv'e had women come up to me; attempting to push me around, bully me as if they are in charge. Are you kidding!... A bunch of girls in three piece suits acting like men. ###$.. What is the world coming to. Iv'e had professional women treat me like was a little boy; try and order me; or intimidate me. Its all very sad to see this in my country. Men acting like girls to survive. Women confused, acting like men, having to play the role of a man because some one has to step up to the plate. Its not the women's fault, what is she suppose to do. She has to take over, she starts acting masculine. The problem is the women don't understand. Men are born to protect. They are protectors of the tribe. The are the killers of the tribe. When a women tries to bully me. Im stuck.. Im not going to beat her to death. She has no idea what is really going on in the world. This whole thing is looney.

I'll adapt somehow.

I cant explain boundaries to a women; a mans boundary territorial set up. Women aren't made for such things..

Women treating me like an object. An object to climb over to get ahead. Thats a dangerous thing to do. I don't get any of this! society has lost its way! Iv'e lost my way. Im trying to get back..

I am a foreigner in a foreign land.

P.S. Im not going to kill or hurt anyone. Im venting in a PTSD way that really helps. I think that is what this forum is for; at least for me.

Thanks

OMNICEL

by **OMNICELL** on Sun May 06, 2012 5:09 am

I am healing from Dissociative disorder; I am not healed. I was 100% disabled. Many therapists were baffled by this diagnosis. Good therapists are different then the general therapists. Those just out of grad school are fine, However, these new graduates work better with generalized medicated clients of the the state system. Those with specific needs and specific diagnosis must find a new home. Private therapy can a better thing; the therapist takes a personal interest in the client. Having enough common sense to point diagnosis in the right direction; the patient will progress.

I am healing;

The group of therapists or the center I received therapy had a question. " How did he stay alive". I was lucky to be alive. ITs a bit humorous now. The CPTSD levels were so high for so long, I was equal to a schizophrenic. My mind was torched, destroyed, melted down. My nervous system was shut off. I had no memories. I had complete dissociative amnesia; 100%. This is a bit different then the Hollywood version of amnesia. One knows they are alive, I was born?. My mind would not connect to any part of me, I could not remember anything until a few years ago. D.I.D was very strong at that time.

I had many complaints from fellow 12 step people. I was described as a ghost or a shadow man, that when I spoke, although I gave out information, I never talked about anything specific associated with self or my past private life. I spoke in riddles, I had no past; I would not tell them why!

My life was destroyed and God resurrected me from the walking dead. I could not remember anything. I could not remember nor did I understand that I could not remember that I could not remember or understand. I was a strange shallow entity with no depth or history; a nowhere man! I felt safe being locked up in self. Death raddled, I raddled with it. Long sleep, the only safety.

Things are different now:

Im much better from the more severe levels of dissociative disorder. Those conditions that appear like schizophrenia are much less in nature. I have 200 other symptoms to deal with; not an easy path. My mind is permanently damaged or ruptured. My nervous system can feel again, yet its on fire all the time, and the PTSD is greatly active. My levels of anxiety are so high, I stay in the apartment all day and look for relief. However, Im used to all of this. Unfortunately no one else understands any of this, meaning the locals. They don't think, they judge. They think Im a highly intelligent person that is exceptionally immature that wont get a job. Its either a blessing or a curse, this little town God brought me to; this little town I survive in.. ITs been hard! Yet, the ignorance level of the general populous in my cultural present experience has allowed a strange halo effect of safety. When people think your the village idiot, or severally immature, they leave you alone. Although isolation sickness sets in; lonely can be a good thing.

I will have hardcore memories; I will feel, deal, and heal. Iv'e been protected from the memories for 35 years. Memories wake up!. I may have to be someone else in-order to retract those "other" memory.

Memories of others that hurt me in cold blood will not be easy to deal with. I have forgiven those involved. However, I will connect to those memories, feel them and grieve them.

Today, I practice drums. I might become a professional drummer. I don't know.. I really don't know. What would that be like.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu May 03, 2012 11:51 pm

I have this creepy sick feeling like Im not alone. Like no matter what direction I end-up roaming in, Im not alone, someone is following me, looking over my shoulder, spying on me. I think this is anxiety/alter. Something is wrong. Im not right, Im not flying strait. Im not being honest with myself. I don't know how to fix it.

What do I need. What am I avoiding. Its all dissociative. I think Im doing the right thing; I can feel it, its the wrong thing. What am I doing wrong. What am I doing right?
Who's running me. Feel safe; that I have defeated death. Yet, Im heading strait for death. I feel like Iv'e been cheated out of my life.

I cheat myself when I hang out with people of lesser quality then I am, expecting them to worship the ground I walk on. I end up getting trampled to death. This situation is now being questioned. What do I do. Iv'e had several people flit there mouths off to me in a most unfavored way. I could have killed them, Im a honorable man. I will kill who disrespects my space. However, I do not live in a society that will allow this. It is not worth the hunt. One has to grow beyond war; no reasonable long term answer can be found in war. Another solution to war is maturity and experience. The ability to respond and walk away. The words thrown at me are fighting words; words of disrespect. On any other continent or land, they would be dead by my axe. Im sorry my country has fallen to this; a place of disrespect and corruption.

Im in the middle period. A period of coming back. I have a severe anxiety disorder, that is what dissociative disorder is. As I get better, it turns more and more into its original state; that of anxiety disorder. The anxiety machine is still present, its not spitting out as much. My mind will be damaged for ever. However, other parts of the mind heal, and take over for the damaged areas. My mind is way broken, yet more and more of me is taking over again and wanting and learning to live again. Its all a new journey that will start very shortly.

I will never see my parents again.. Why would they let me die. Why would they kill me like this. Why. I have that answer. The bigger answer of understanding.. The emotional answer will not be answered. My parents are sociopaths. That is the answer.

I forgive all people. I pray they have everything I could ever want in this life.

------------------------

People are strange in my country. They can be spoiled, immature and in a dream fantasy world. Concerning the conditions of those beyond the boarders; how the rest of the world has to live, my people have no clue. yet, they are the most neglected and thrown away of all. My people endure psychological abandonment at levels that would kill the average person of a lesser country. How the people in my country survive, meaning, having a reason to survive, or having a reason to continue living, is beyond me.

What a horribly strange mix this is; to be spoiled and neglected and abandon at the same time, And Im attempting to live with my people and get this disfigurement worked out. Worked out for myself, not others. Im not interested in others who are not interested in the greater good of the general condition. In a sense, Im just trying to go outside and survive. This game will continue.

63 What does love got to do with it; AVPD

62 Stable but crazy

61

Blog 60 Continuing/ the slow healing discovery

Blog 59 Creepy Frustrations

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