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Im moving forward in the song creation process. Several days ago I decided to do something with the songs Iv'e been working on in church. Im having to start over, start with an empty chalk board. I have an understanding of song form and chords.. The exploration in lyric writing is beginning. Real story telling lyrics is not easy for me. Iv'e decided to make many poem drafts until Iv'e found the words Im looking for. Its all a very good lessons.
 Learning to understand: PTSD is the cause, not people. When I get triggered I blame, I attack! The land is full of monkeys. Its about control issues. Who will be in control, who will maneuver the other guy first. Its all to more, Im getting a better understanding of my condition 0 Comments Viewed 44228 times 67
As I get stronger, meaning, this mind returning to the outside world; whats left of it!, I understand the world Im experimenting with. I know its a world that kills children, sends innocent young people to the battle fields to die,. Its a place of disrespect, tragedy, abandonment, rape, murder,hatred, in all its forms.
' I live in a land of stupidity and hate. Iv'e never seen such hate toward the innocent as I have in my own country. Its beyond me. Im finally dealing with it and coming through; through the nightmare back to day time. Or, Im willing to open the door a bit and look around. Immaturity from others is the great enemy, it is not the armies of the land I fear or the police that police. It is the idiots that have to be policed that are causing such calamity. A fascist socialistic sociopathic Elitist government is not helping. The people cannot hide, no help, no safety. The people have no rights! nor real free speech. All is a lie. The whole place is a lie. The whole concept is a lie. Its about money, nothing more. Its about Elitism and the worshiping of others as God idols; People ( the person next to me) is not a God, nor should they be worshiped as such. God is the creator of the Universe and all things. The person in front of me in the check out line did not create the Universe. If HE/SHe did, Prove it! Humans might think they are Gods, it is a lie. People ( adults), are liars!. They are 4 year olds' paying bills, nothing more. ITs all a ######6 lie. Everything out here is a ######6 lie, its all a big ######6 lie. The local business man smiles in front of the camera, yet at home, he rapes his children, sending them into mental illness; death by the rope in moms closet,. "WHat are you going to be when you grow up", " Im going to be God and be worshiped like God, and look for those that think they are Gods, we will worship each other together, we will be one big narcissistic nightmare together"≤≥ Great!, Wonderful!!! What a life!!! People are imaginative 4 year olds in a fantasy that pay bills, nothing more. The world is made up of 4 year olds, the age never went higher≥ Everything is a lie, Everything is a lie, Everything is a lie except God the creator. God has my blue print, You don't !!.. ------------------------------------------------------------ Human beings cannot be trusted, cannot be trusted with anything,., Cannot be trusted at any level. Human being\s cannot be trusted to be human beings, they will take everything they can get; leave me with nothing. Humans kill there own kind for sport and leave the children fatherless to die on the streets. How can a decent man want to be apart of this. How can a decent man want to be esteemed in this nightmare. I want to run and hide when Im outside. Just give me a safe place to rome. Im on my knees to God all day; I live in a jungle full of monkeys that fall from trees. There will be no peace on the outside, Its an inside job. Peace comes from within! Its not all about me! Its also about you, helping you, taking care of you! In God I trust... I don't trust monkeys that fall from trees. 0 Comments Viewed 45746 times 66
Do not worship societies. Societies are a gathering of people for the betterment of everyday working and living. Hope is gathered when one is not alone. A rope is stronger with more strands, if the bead is tighter then the thugs pulling on it. A rope alone has no purpose, it hangs itself.
Do not believe in societies nor worship them. They are symbols of constructed boredom from the everyday workers creative mind. Society does not exist. All the world is a cyber stage and we are just junky monkeys dying in it, living in it, praying it. playing with it. The person next to me is what matters. God above matters. Nothing else matters. I was told the cage is a better place to live. A monkey alone is in bad company. Fill the cage with monkeys and survival is a sure thing. However, strange things happen when monkeys coexist; dominance occurs in strange forms. The nice monkeys are ruled by the aggressive monkeys with no hobbies; dominating other monkeys is there hobby. The nice monkeys become sick from being dominated. They begin to exhibit strange behavior. They are no longer normal. In order to survive; nice monkeys become insane monkeys, there minds rearrange themselves to deal with the dysfunctional environment. A great monkey from the nice monkeys appears. He tells the truth of how he sees the monkey cage; its origins and original purpose. The dominant monkeys do not like what the great monkey is freely saying. The death of the great monkey is certain. The death threat has caused the nice monkeys that are now insane monkeys to retaliate and start the first monkey war. Arguments occur among the monkeys. No monkey can be trusted. Right has become wrong, wrong has become right. Monkeys just wanna argue. Monkeys just wanna have fun! The war begins: Innocent, younger, and less aware monkeys are pitted against each other in vulgar landscapes. Thus, no escape is born. What started out as a grand plan to bring monkeys together; ( i.e. the cage) ,is now causing the monkey generations to die. Death to the monkeys on the right, death to the monkeys on left. No monkey shall escape persecution. It is better to be wise then happy. After 4 years of brutal fitting no peace can be seen!. The landscape is torn to pieces. Banana bombs are being shot from cannons. Hordes of monkeys are being evaporated at a single blow. Many monkeys are maimed, many monkeys die. War monkey poets sing of tragedy and false lies as they watch there friends crippled and rattled. One monkey back home on the streets in the cage " Its better to be happy then wise" Back in the fields: Many monkeys are in shock; shock from exposure to the banana bombs. These monkeys are taken away and studied. Many new attributes to the human mind are discovered from the strange agitation's of these banana manas. A new term is coined that describes these strange agitation's. PTSD. Unfortunately these shocked monkeys do not survive, after a short time in the field hospitals they hang themselves. From these gatherings of war, scientists of the cage suggest a new disease description for the continued crippling effects of banana bombs. Its a disease of the mind; the crippled monkeys cant see, cant stand up or sit down, cannot walk strait, cannot speak, seem to shake uncontrollably. Yet, no physical injury has been witnessed to the cause of these conditions. These conditions are coming from trauma created by the continues shelling of banana bombs dropped; not on, but next to the unsuspecting soldiers. This new condition will be called Mental illness; a general term, it describes physical disabilities created by dysfunctional rearrangement of the cognitive attribute. This is a severe trauma based condition. The war ends; Many Monkeys are dead. The rest are sent home to the cage. Back in the cage the soldiers contemplate a new problem, a shocking problem, The family systems in the cage appeared to be similar to the battle fields... [ Continued ] 0 Comments Viewed 37832 times Blog 65 Dealing with people
Im having a real hard time with people. As I wake up , more and more people are offending me. Most people Im dealing with have emotional retardation radiation. There a bunch of stupid ###$. Arrogant dumb-asses. Thats that best way I can describe it; Arrogant is the best way..
Im a nice person, I would like to be around nice people. Im finding that I cant stand being around weirdo's/ People that want to control and manipulate people. Or those looking for status. When they think I have status, they re my friends. When they think Im low on the status loop, they think Im a looser. Im done with these kinds of people. I have to protect myself. Trust God and keep going. One problem: Im giving the impression of intellectual capability in presentation. However, Im not able to back it up with a job or career. When Im honest about my situation, Im judged as some one of immaturity. Im neither a looser nor immature. Im might have walked over boundaries of others and they're retaliating. However, I don't care. If I walked over someones boundaries and they don't like me, they need to leave me alone. When people start judging me according to status. Im through with them. They are out of my life. I don't have time for it. Im a nice guy if I can back it up with a career, thats the message Im getting. Instead, I would rather back it up with the truth. The truth is good enough. I suppose Im needy. I don't have allot of friends. I don't have allot of anything or anyone. I think its time to move on to different places and try new things. It gets so tiring being judged. Im so ######6 sick of it. WIthout the proper status, Im looked at as a looser, regardless of my worth. Its horrible and confusing. I want to give up... I don't know who to trust. Im not sure what type of identity to present to people.
Last edited by OMNICELL on Thu May 17, 2012 4:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
0 Comments Viewed 34735 times And the next round cometh
This blog is running slow!
Iv'e been venturing out. More and More My condition is turning back into a severe anxiety disorder. Most of the Pshyzo condition is disappearing. More specifically when Im alone. However, under pressure of the outside world, when I have no place to hide, it remains. Its not the same as before. For the first time in my adult life, the dissociative condition is being broken through. The real me, the original personality is starting to come out. Its starting to shine through. I want through. It is happening.. This is a great thing.. Its a beginning. It will take time. I have no memories as I wake up. Its as if I got on my bike to ride to the store. The sun is shining, I looked back at my house on Palouse st, I headed by my best friends house and the other houses on the block, as I am traveling forward I start to day dream, as I enter the parking lot of the store I look down and notice my arms. White hair is protruding from the skin. Its not white hair, its grey. I have grey hair. I have aged 40 years within a few moments. Yet, somehow I know, Im 50 years old. Yet, I notice nothing, and nothing seems wrong. Im not sure why. Im not sure how the mind can turn the past off. I become present and nothing matters. Im aware something is strange and something is wrong, Yet, I don't remember. So I go forward as the original me. Problems: Getting ran over by people; specifically the dumb spoiled middle classes. Not all, some. Im still getting manipulated. Im a nice guy, I respond to people as a nice sincere person, my biggest mistake. I have to learn to have boundaries, stay away from these manipulators. They are arrogant stupid manipulative people. Im of a decent sort, I don't except people to take advantage of me. Its horrible. I am undercut and have no idea what happened. By the time I understand, its to late, Iv'e been taken. PTSD problems remain, they are bad. Dissociative condition remains. its better, there is movement beyond freeze state. Still mass problems; the close I get to people ( physically close) I dissociate back into unreality. AVPD is alive and well, it gets better as the DD gets better. D.I.D. is what it is. Im not bothered by it. I switch once in awhile. All alters seems to be working together. Im still detached from the original broken tortured person. Im not sure what to do about this. I will have to continue to work on it. I don't have the problems others have with D.I.D. Im not sure why,. My alters are fairly quit at this point. We are all working together, not allot of conflict. I think this is because Im on my knees to God all day long, so my alters know Im trying the best I can to go in the right direction. General Anxiety is a bitch: The electric fence never goes away, its a constant challenge. Iv'e dropped down from 100% to about 75% to 50% in all areas. This is a great thing. Im drumming again. Practicing every day. I want to get a big speed metal set and put together a speed metal band. This cannot not be now; in the future. Still cant sit at the computer and create the way I want to, I dissociate to much. ---------------------------- Went to work today for a friend. First Time Iv'e worked in a long time... I was nervous at first, However, after awhile things got better. The impaction of being so close to someone, taking orders, working so close, causes great stress to the PTSD areas; I knew this. I wasn't sure how much I could take. I am infected from the start. The question is; how much can I take; then what?. I was ripped up emotionally after the day was over.. About 5 hours of work. It had nothing to do with the physical. It had to do with exposure. I had no control over my environment. The different alters in me went bizirk. I did survive. I did OK as long as someone else was doing the thinking and I was taking orders as a helper. I cannot handle the pressure of any responsibility or to be focused... [ Continued ]
Last edited by OMNICELL on Wed May 16, 2012 12:44 am, edited 2 times in total.
0 Comments Viewed 18295 times |
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