OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Mar 08, 2025 8:41 am

Trust
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Im now at a place of learning about Trust. Im at this place of learning how to Trust God. Im at this place of learning how to Trust women; and I do not know how!
Im at this place of Faith
How do I trust myself and have faith.
Ive not been good at deciphering anyone or anything. I realize Ive been around the wrong people. If I find myself around the wrong people what do I do… I have to learn to have a base with God…
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When I venture out; I have no idea; I don’t know who to Trust or how to win out there… I don’t know…
I don’t trust anyone…
Ive never been enough for anyone.
No one has valued me for being myself as I am; its never happened. Maybe once I think when I was younger; but even that person; if I did not have a future financially; they would have been gone at some point.
So; Its all very strange; Im assuming I was suppose to have a wife and a family… Ill have to go through God…
I almost feel like; What did I do to deserve this? Everything is a dead end. Its literally like a dead end; I just end up nowhere.
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I have no interest in people who have no interest in me. And that is all Ive found.
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Im a nice guy; I can be trusted; Sure Im liked people some people; Those that cant be trusted like everything about me…
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Im looking for those that are like me; that can be trusted… It just seems to hard all of this; over n over n over n over n over n over n over…
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Ill go to God. And work with God. Ive been here before…
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The people Ive ended up with; its just horrific… Nothing could have prepared me for those nightmares of those monsters; over n over n over; Unbelievable. How did those type of people find me or ever find themselves around me; and their was no one else around me; Nothing.
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I remember only once being with a nice girl; But I could not imagine that if she truly knew who I was; the trouble Ive seen; that she would have ever stayed more then a day; She would have waited and gone out with some guy sure to bring me the money or be in professional positions. SO; I would say; God never sent her.
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So; Im looking for those people God is sending me. Thus; Only choice is to stick with God and work through God…
I feel like the concept in the Bible that states something about the idea of a lovely Doe or a wife; Someone lied. Their has never been anyone like this for me ever; Ive never met anyone like this?
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The people Ive met are not people; they were worthless scumbags; and Im worried that I did not know why I attracted them; but I have an idea; I was at the bottom of the barrel and didn’t know it… And that is the problem.
So; the question is; How do I get to where higher quality people exist and become that level in society.
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Im not really around the right people; I have never been. No one has ever seen my worth or accepted me; Nothing.
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SO; I will turn to God and work with God; what choice do I have.
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This is a hard one.
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Ive heard that its not men that divorce; its women; they divorce because they get bored or theirs not enough resources.
Ive never heard of anyone who actually likes each other or women marrying someone because they actually found a decent person that liked them. I get the impression its more about the thrills; Women find someone that is thrilling and they fall for that…
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Men fall in love with women; Women fall in love with the life style a mans money can bring them; They do not love anything. That truly is what Ive seen.
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What scares me; Ive never attracted anyone that liked me for me; for who I am. In my world; I would never even talk to someone that didn’t have my best interests at heart. Now; I cant even find anyone. Its like I live on a planet of aliens…
Im from one planet; they are from another; its like being around a bunch of corrupt people. Should I become corrupt because others are; and that way Ill fit in; No Thanks.
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All I can do is trust on God; and l...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Mar 07, 2025 5:59 am

Manhood;
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That is the next step; The next step forward is my manhood…
This is the manhood I would have learned growing up; And that will never happen under that regime for they did not care about me or what happened to me. The good news is; It can happen under Gods sovereign state and it is… Im showing up; and thus because Im in Gods realm in Gods sovereign state; I get to work with God on it.
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Im at that place; Im in the middle of it right now; that Gap area between boyhood teenage-hood; Young man hood and manhood. And Im making my way up the ladder of manhood…
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Its all God directed; Im a little kid inside and God is has taken my hand and is leading me on a journey to my manhood; And God is my Mother and My Father; and God is leading me; Guiding me instructing me, taking care of me on this journey to my Manhood.
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Most things I want in this life; they require me to be a Man. And the things I want are in the middle of society. And So, God has a plan for me to change; change from where Im at into this Man to get the things I want… And that is what is happening.
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Why is this so important or of value right now; Well; I have several levels of foundation. And so Im making a smooth transition to Manhood; That would be the perfect utopia concept; Kind of; Their is no real smooth transition to manhood; its all brutal and caurse and ruff. However; Im a-bit-uz to the idea of it and further more; ready for it Kind a… I am; However,…. Im still a small child inside being taken by the hand of God; taken on the hunt… and learning…. God has me… Im accepting… God is the Treacher; God has my interests at heart… The Universe is on my side.
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I have to become a man in order to show up to the things I want; I have to become a man because God wants me to become a man; A Caveman to survive; And God will turn me into one if I desire what is out on the hunt and I do.
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If I am to hunt and have success as a hunter; I must become a Caveman to do so…. I am turned into a cave man.
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But how is this possible without ever having any parents and being stripped of my life when young and completely lost; and later addicted to substances ( For a short amount of time; but a convincing amount of time)and vastly mentally ill. What do I do. Well; God has the resources and techniques and tools for such a job; and when I become a student the teachers appear. For me; This is all under God; In Gods sovereign state.
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As I mentioned above…
First.
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1. I GET to do things today; This is the new change of attitude adaptation. This is a real philosophic change. This is internalized as a way of life… And I got this from my 12 step meetings…. I have a philosophy for living and it is based in Attitude; a change of Attitude; I GET to be part of things today… its an appreciation.
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2. Work Ethic… IF I work for it under Gods sovereign state; it will always materialize… This is from the 12 step meetings I go to. I have changed it around with Gods permission to suit me and my situation. IT means that; since Im under Gods sovereign state and under Gods supervision and control; I get perks; being able to work for something under Gods light; it will always materialize in Gods compound; his tribe; His living area that I belong to. When Im In with God; I got extras; and this is one of them; If I work for it; it will always materialize. ( The key is; I have to always believe; and this is possible if I work with God; God will show me how to believe; The Universe will teach me how to believe). This means for me; this is an add on to the laws of attraction and success based thinking; thinking like the wealthy; doing what they do; thinking like they think. However; all things are done and taken to God first; I co create my life with God. I co create with God for my future; A Wife, Money; House,. Car, Career, Job; occupation, education; vacation; All things… including t...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Mar 05, 2025 1:52 pm

So it begins…
The purge back into society; The purging of living on memories; The purging of being stuck in a time- warp that repeats itself over n over. This means a full immersion back into society. Its more like the purge creates a running affect; its energy directed; that is the full immersion missile. Society its self is an identification. Ive learned my lesson and no more escaping from life; ( Im trying to escape from the escape). Life is the escape because I say so. And for anyone or any man to get this far in life; is a good thing. Its like coming home. Its more then coming home. Its coming back to God; its coming back; and that is a good thing; a lucky thing; a fortunate thing. Its life; as we know it!
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Benefits of the Recovery process
Wht have I gotten from spending half my life in 12 step groups; Ive received riches; but in what form?; Attitude. What I used to clamor about; about being a slave. Now; my attitude has changed; Now Im reverent that I get to be part of life. That I get a chance to step back into it; truly incredible; truly. A door has been opened to me; and opportunity; not given to everyone; But its given to me… And Im taking it and have been taking it for a long long time; for Ive been traveling back in forth in n out of these doors. But now a newer door has been offered me; a door of openness and closure. When I walk through this door; I wont want to ever go back through it again. Ill be staying in the present again because life will be bearable to me for me in the present; For God has re structured everything for me to live in the present and win.
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NOTE: What do I mean by Win! Well; I get the same life back I had before when I was a kid; but I have no desire to have the scumbags( The bad people)( Strangers pretending to be someone else) in my life who fooled me when I was young; Ive become aware of what they are; and they are no longer needed to make me happy or to feel stable by their trickery. I have a life built underneath their deception they know nothing about and never will; its life where Im being taken care of by God; and they have no part of it.
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I win! …………………………..
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Its pure riches. I really don’t know; if I compared what I have to someone that inherits a billion dollars; seriously; would they really have more then me. Well; Im a man that likes money. I may not have much right now… ! However; I believe everyone aught to be rich; filthy rich; rich enough to ski every day for the rest of their lives. RICH! Full a cash; thats what I think.
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I never got a chance to dream like this when I was young. We will see… I mean. Ive never pursued any wealth before… Not until getting involved with God and success based thinking processes… So; havent pursued anything like that yet! Dont know; Ill work with God on stuff.
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My life is coming back; Im so very lucky regardless of what or where I came from; To be able to go beyond what I experienced or where I came from; incredible. Under Gods directive; to come back to society ( or feeling safe that altho within society not part of society only by choice)( but still part of society)( not living in a false dream world). ( I have a dream world but its through God)( the rest of me is here on planet earth); to come back as if I never left; Like it was all a dream; all the bad things that happened. And I never lost out; Instead; God just replanted me somewhere else. Its almost like winning the lottery. I listened to God and God replanted me and I sprouted; re sprouted at the new location of where he planted me; But I had to ask his permission for his help; I had to ask permission after getting his help. I had to ask his permission for help; and he helped me… and their it is…
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I was fooled in my dream. But Im not in my dreams. Im in reality; I take my desires to God.. And I learn to live out my dreams…
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I did not re sprout as someone else; I was g...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Mar 03, 2025 7:04 am

The main goal is to get over FIRST LOVE…
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What does that mean; it means there is no more First Love; but Im still being controlled by it; by the memories…
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They have a hold of me. Im now working that I have a hold of them. I want to break through. That is what is important; breaking through… Thats what Im working on… Thats whats most important right now. Nothing else is important; just this.
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I drill through this by getting way below Gods shrine as I pray to God and imagine Im drilling through the earth under God with my hands… meaning to become humble so that God can bring me a new life.
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The point is; when Im humble and Im underneath or below God; I have a chance to look upward and take an interest in a real life; Not a bunch of rumination from the past. I can actually look forward to something real. Thats what counts…
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I know its all a lie; all of it in my head.
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Ive broken through many things with Gods help and Im going to break through this as well. It will be like a Water breaking through a dam… thats the goal; just have to keep at it until I come out on the other side.
It could be this persons memory is also associated with the time period of sexual abuse; they are both tied into each other. So breaking through one breaks into the other and that might be whats stopping my mind from going forward.. What ever it is I will be attempting to break through; Ill working at it all the time; This is the most important aspect I have; to break through this and come out on the other side to start over again.
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I just want my mind free of the lies. Its like Im drunk with resentments I don’t even want anymore. I don’t want them; they are making me sick; drunk and they are a place where I avoided to; like an addiction. I don’t want to avoid anymore. Im trying to set goals for my future… These things have no place in my future life… I want a new life.
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So; its like breaking through a wall. Ill keep at it moment after moment after moment. I dissociate and avoid. And Im going to beat this thing and break through; God will help me.
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Ive made allot of progress but I have to keep digging in until its all gone. I have not broken through anything.
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I broke through concerning occupational stuff; Music Art and Writing creating; it looks like; Im just now seeing some break through at deeper levels with writing. However; Ive been breaking through with it anyway. Guitar has been breaking through. Memorizing lyrics has been breaking through.
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Many areas have been breaking through.
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Now; Im on to relationship stuff; and that means breaking through to the other side. I don’t know how long this will take; but Im getting wholly tired of it. I don’t want my nervous system hanging on to anymore; Im getting mad about it… Im tired of it…
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I think I have to go back to 4-5 years old; 3 1/2 years old; ask God to help me break through.
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It may take 6 months; I don’t know… it will take what it takes to be free of this; I want my brain back; its mine; I want it back; its been living in a swamp from the past; living their; I want out; I want free of it; thats what Im working on.
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I have to continue to get up to speed with this until Im full force under God and breaking through… breaking relationship problems into the present. The fact Im a victim is true; but now Im being victimized by my nervous system protecting me. I don’t need to be protected anymore. And I want out.
So; Thats what I will be working on. This is wholly frustrating.

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Mar 03, 2025 12:31 am

More on Bowing down to God
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First; Bowing down to God is number 1. Dig a bigger large area much lower then the shrine of God; and on my knees hands out; pray for help for what I want and desire and keep at it and at it and at it; over n over n over; and write stories about what I want. And keep at it… Keep at it and the world changes in front of me…. With my head down.
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I pray to God at a lower level then God…
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Writing; becoming a writer. What God is teaching me. Its just writing. Ill have to work to get a life; The life I want does not come because of an interest in story telling. I have to work with God to get a life As-is regardless of what Im doing.. So;
And\
This is not about writing; this is about working on writing. This is about learning how to work at something I want to work at. Its about working on things… its about work ethic toward my interests and thats what Im suppose to do( thats whats missing); work on what I like to do. I kind of got that scared out of me when young. So; Now Im learning with Gods help how to get my interests back; working in them; back in and work for what I want… I have to get back in and work for what I want…
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I have to get back in and work for what I want. All the avoidance and damage and pain; I want to address. And I am….
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Writing stories; learning how to write; is very interesting to me. Its important… However; its allot of hard labor and it can be tedious work to learn how to write… ( and I get nothing for it); its dry; its so very dry; its just letters being put together. And if I try to hand my identity hat All on this; Im afraid Ill be holy disappointed; hurt and let down; My life; I want to say I wont go anywhere being a writer; not go somewhere; I may learn; working on Writing did not give me the love I felt I needed and the security. However; But actually I changed my mind. I mean I still feel the same way; kind a; Writing wont get me anywhere. But I realize; that attitude is kind of a cop out; for me. Maybe not someone else at a position in their lives; but for me RIGHT NOW; Its a big big Cop out! I know better then this; I can have success if I want it; I just wont work for it… its all about that “ W” word…
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First; I will say putting all my worth into all of this; worth and Identity hat; into this; is Not what I want to do ( But it is what I want to do). I want to feel worthy( but not depend on writing for it). I want it coming from God and myself; and maybe family; A real family maybe; that I create; but not external dry hobbies and such. Im not suggesting hobbies are not good for me. I don’t want my self worth associated with how well I do something.
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I mean; I do want to put myself into what I love to work at for the only purpose of loving it; I want to have the guts to do so. That is exactly what Im working toward. Im working toward the ability to put all of me into something; Do it because I freely want to. However; This is trepidatious waters and I need God on my-side for protection. I need to feel loved before I set out to study writing. I don’t want writing to supply it; Ive been down this road before; I got destroyed depending on something that was undependable.
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I kind of said 2 important things; first; I want to learn how to stand up for myself and on my own 2 feet and not depend on something like Writing for my self worth and identity; However; what a treat to have something like Writing to help build my self worth and identity. I want an Identity regardless. I want my self worth and Identity attached first; already intact by working with God. I do not want to depend on Writing for my self worth ( story telling). I want instead; go toward God and work with God down independent pathways for self worth and identity; So; I have allot of work and allot more work to go down those pathways for identity and self worth. I have received a bit of it.
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[ Continued ]

Im now at a place of learning about Trust

MANHOOD is where I am going

So it begins… The purge back into society

The main goal is to get over FIRST LOVE

Bowing down to God 2

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