OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Mar 12, 2012 4:46 pm

To lie is not going to work...

What about being a victim ? Hmmm/////........

Who is in control of me....

If I am to wash my clothing and live, I have to do it on my terms, not on theres. And that is the sadist(Saddest) thing.. And the hardest... It is so hard. Defeat is a great majesty... To bow down is such an abandonment.. Its the raping of soul-man...

The wave at which I never wanted to see. It cometh...!

I am easily overwhelmed.

I am easily persuaded if the cost is greater then the crime.. I am a fountain..... A man fountain... Like chocolate chip...

What will I do to be noticed. To be accepted..

Why am I not accepted... The world has turned upside down... Now its down on me!!...

The expression of the other self, I cannot betray myself.

The grieving process is slowed down... One day is a thousand years.. One grieve is the cry of eternity. The grave digs itself. Do I have to go along for the ride. Do I have to go along for the charade. Is there no peace in the haunted house...

I owe no one.....

I Am not, Im OK... Im not OK... Im buried alive.. At-least I spelled " buried" correctly, to spell a word correctly for the first time for this Dyslectic, is like hitting a whole-in-one on the golf course..

I hate, I am sorrowful. I fall, I never stand. Like a tilted house, backwards momentum to a strait path in the wrong direction... are those my feet..... I will never know... Moon landing... The solar wind is pouring in from all corners of the world..

Are you writing this to help me, are you writing this to hurt me. Don't lie...

Ive been convinced that being a bad child is a good for everyone. Its better to be a bad child then no child.! I don't agree. I think its better to be a good child in a disillusioned world of order..

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by **OMNICELL** on Thu Mar 08, 2012 10:54 pm

Maybe it was never America I was talking about. Maybe it was me!

Most of the people I meet out here in LA LA land are criminals/sociopath/personality disorder/Narcissist. Im wondering if this is all Im going to ever meet. Is this all that is left of my land. Boundary breakers, Family wreckers, and Liars.. Is that it... O yes? THe tuff guy.. A real man knows his boundaries when around another man. Their are rules. Theirs a 3 feet rule. Get closer and you get shot... Its as simple as that.. No respect, then meet God.... Most of the men that I meet are punks. They hide behind their social security numbers... knowing that they cant back up their mouth or actions. Its the local Judiciary system that backs them up. They run to the cops and the judge.... I hate these pigs.. They are wrecking my country.. Everything these days is wrecking my county. I don't recognize the place anymore..( ITs like living in a south of the boarder cesspool...[What about Norma, She is mexican]. Am I talking about her when I say South of the Boarder cesspool? No! of course not). This leaves me with questions.)

- My country is now a socialistic nightmare... the days of free speech or the right to pursue happiness are over.. Its true that it could be worse, this could be N Korea and I could be starving to death... Somehow I think I might take that rout... To be in a society of criminals like in America is to much. Im not talking about the Government), of course the government is sociopathic Elite. Worse then criminal, more sadistic sociopath.. Breaded that way... Hilary Clinton is a good example of this.

The citizen in America:
I am fearful of the next door neighbor far more then Iran or China or Soviet Union. The American is Godless, has been lied to, and believes the lie, And believes they are owed something by everyone with a mix of Sociopathic PTSD mixed in.. just enough indifference to make it equally implorable to prohibit anyone in proximity to experience freedom and a peaceful way of life...

I remember when God was in the schools. None of these problems exist.. When God was taken out of the school systems the children were left with nothing. Nothing but becoming test tubes for the state... 3rd world values and rituals..

The honorable man is dying in my country And nothing can be done about it.. Respectable people are no more... poor children! Poor people! Its my fault... Im part of it.. I feel ashamed that I could not do more... That I could not do anything to stop this..

Maybe it was never America I was talking about. Maybe it was me!

But what about me! What am I really saying, that I cannot accept my forced role in life. That I feel I have to live out this "one life" in exile, alone. Im forced by my thoughts to see things in only one way.. So much PTSD rushing through my brain... I cannot be, or remember, or be me.... This is the hardest part of being. Ive been here before, it creates the makings of a break from reality.. I cannot be forced to deal with the PTSD and the outside world. I will not be condemned because I don't function like other people in the outside world. I never have functioned . I never will. To much was taken from me when I was to young, year after year after year of it. condemned to an island of hell. I am lucky to be alive. The Dissociative disorder is more then an anxiety disorder, much more. The Anxiety disorder is much more, and not the same as anxiety.. Why they created the same name for these 2 different states I don't know...
My feeling is that I cannot be... Nor can I be what you or anyone else wants me to be. I am disabled, and always will be... I am almost 50 years old... It will take another several years just to think in terms of entering the world again at any angle... Just because I walk through it does not mean Im in it. Or that Im home.. Im not even sure who's house Im in. I cannot guarantee stability, even if you see stability. Are...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Mar 05, 2012 5:11 am

Im listening to 80s pop.. English Pop. That is the last thing I remember in the 1980's as my mental condition worsened. As my mind began to leave in a more permanent fashion and the torture of past years created unbearable pain and suffering, things faded away... Now in 2012 Im remembering much more and feeling a bit like I use to. What does " Use to" mean... I don't know.. Ive been several different people at different times... Ive missed allot of my life, I don't remember anything. Its hard coming back to reality, as I remember so many times not being able, or stable enough to handle life to the point that the lights would go out for a long long time, I never wanted to wake up again. Im no different now. In many situations in this world my mind will shut off, or I will kill myself. I have to be very careful in this world. My life is on an extension, its an extended life.. God has extended it. I have to be careful that I do not allow the wrong people in it, to destroy it. or mangle it.. Pressure destroys. I cannot handle pressure…

Because of past unresolved traumas I could never stay present to accomplish anything. I would stay awake then the past pain and sadness and lack of hope would hit so hard I would loose the present personality into someone else.. .Or I would become sick to the point of paralysis. An Anxiety disorder, Nothing has changed at the base level. Im still paralyzed in ways, Im still paralyzed at the basic levels. .. Im still disabled very much like before. Yet, other symptoms are down... And Im grateful for that. I can live again… I don't think I can work. Not normal work like regular people. Don't know if that will ever come back…

Being around others:

Very difficult being around others. No one understands why I act the way I do. I fake it till I make it for short sprints. I try to fit in with the disability ringing through my ears and my mind... My nervous system is never home, its being paralyzed by past traumas bombarding on a daily basis.

I could be seriously suicidal, contemplating how to kill myself, by looking up stuff on the net.. Then, a day later Im at a meeting or talking with someone. They don't know Im suicidal. They know nothing… Its invisible…
When I share or talk to someone, I am protected in my own shell and the conversations are short. People don't realize Ive been planning my death for a week. Or seriously wanting to die, wanting so badly to go to sleep... I fake it the best I can. I don't get personal. A few words and Im out of there. I feel the discomfort of having people to physically close and I began to shut down... I began to go into the learned helpless mode. The world is a frightening place to me that controls me.... I am brave about this. When I go outside Im not all here. I don't let others know, its none of there business. I stay away from people, I might interact a bit, not to much, I stay to myself... If I have to go to the bank. Its a battle dealing with the tellers, I freak and freeze up and 50 other things.. ITs possible to pull away from people and fake it a bit. However, its very hard and I can only do this for short amount of time.. If one were to ask others, they may see no problems with me… The problem is, they have no reference. They don't know the real me, and they don't care… Its all invisible to them. I made it that way on purpose. I learned along time Ago, its better to attempt to look normal to the normies then to look like a crazy that hasn't shaved or washed his cloths in a month… It took years to get to this place, this place of being present enough to wash my clothing and and be a successful actor of short real life plays.

Things are much different now. I am getting better. Several symptoms are down. However, my mind is weak and very damaged and does not have the strength for a full on life experience day in and day out, I cannot respond, or respond correctly, most of the time Im responding to PTSD.... I...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:12 pm

15 years, thats how long Ive been at this, Recovery work... Im at the point that my therapist and I believe therapy is not necessary anymore. I see her once a month. I will see her once a month for a long time I believe. Im talking at her and telling her where Ive been and what Ive been doing. Im not doing therapy. Im coffee hocking with her... Chatting, checking in. Nothing wrong with that! ITs all good. Its a safe place to go...

Therapy is for those that need the other person to help; learn how to complete thoughts that are hidden through trauma, for a safe place to go, to gain feedback, to grow up when maturity has been destroyed through the process of living on planet earth, and many other things, to discover secrets and get them out.. Relationship evaluations, all kinds of stuff..

Im at the point that I can fetch my own solutions... Its not easy, Im all messed in the head, yet, I don't need the therapist to help me start at 0. Ive learned how to get to the start line. I could not do that before.. Before I was not home... I was death, and death became me...

ITs an interesting place to be... Not fixed, yet I know to much to be in the therapists office. Hmm.. That leaves 12 step groups and psych groups, church groups, personal relationships...

The general public makes me ill from all the judgements they lay on me. How ever I appear, I get judged. How I look and act, I get judged... No one cares.. They just want to have fun judging... Ive been through to much to allow these kinds of people into my life. HOwever, When one is desperate for love or attention or "human anything", I will hang with anyone not to be alone... Alone was horrible.. Im still alone when Im in a crowd of judgers. I want nothing to do with them. I have nothing in common with them. It ends up in a fight of some kind. Even if that Psych fight is covert and done on a distant soil.

Personal relationships: Hmm.... I don't know.. When I fake it till I make it, the average monkeys tell me I don't look like I have any problems. Even thou Im tapping, dissociating, writing with my left hand to integrate alters, and staying physically far away from people. No! this last paragraph sounds like a normal well adjusted person.. Healthy , outgoing friendly....No problems here. Glad I don't have a gun and PTSD triggering... Hmmmm..... Hope my alters don't came out....

Some people have tried to lay the emotional blackmail trip on me. Ive been told by "Da group", that they do not approve of the way I live.. that I must have character problems... It wouldn't have crossed someones mind to ask what was wrong. they wont, in order to do that , they would have to acknowledge that Im a human bing. And that would bring them down from their government style positions..These positions are of lies and ego.. Just being in the same room with me makes them ill. I am an honest man, it oozes from me.. It oozes all over them and there black stained conscious...

There are 2 types of people; Those that like me for who I am, and those that have no friends, just interests... Im afraid those that practice relations for the sake of interests do not get along with me very well... I don't have much in this world. So, I am looked over, passed by, Neg'd. Negated out... So many people looking to score the big brass ring.. Im nothing, not to the type of person that is looking for popularity and status... Im just myself, nothing more...

I am a nice person. . Im a genuine person, I attract personality disorders no matter where I go... LOL.... Hmmmmm..

Working on;
Music
cleaning clothing
cleaning apartment
bike maintenance

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:00 pm

I have something in common with the Burmese people..

The Burmese people have been in trouble for many years.. The general population outside the cities are being destroyed one at a time through starvation, homelessness and a military fascist regime that targets the innocent, shooting first then burning them alive.

The village people of burma are like you or me. They just want to have a house filled with children and a community, Food, clothing, hobbies, friends.. However, instead they are being genocide.... Forced to wonder the forest with no food, no housing, no medical. They are burned alive in their small townships. They are hunted, shot and killed.. They are turned into Porters. A porter is someone that carries the armies heavy gear on their backs until they are starved to death or beaten to death or shot. If they get tired they are killed...

Whats wrong with these ######6 people, that they would turn on themselves, on their own innocence, become an organization that kills there own people ultimately killing themselves.. Whats wrong with the above picture. What happened? A child is born believing they will have a normal life, instead life is a short nightmare of sorrow abandonment and humiliation.. Why? Even the Burmese people that are hunted are asking these simple questions. Life is short. Why is all of this going on,....

How does the above fit into my blog today...

Their are many ways to genocide a person.. One does not have to live in an isolated country in the Asiatic provence to be destroyed... One can be destroyed in there home town just as easily by other means... Abandonment, public humiliation, game playing, social ostracization... Character assassination, general hate and contempt for a person for no reason..

Status-popularity-social positioning vs honesty - decency - human authenticity

I hope I don't get thrown off this site for having my own ideology, one that is contrary to popular belief... Seems the ruling parties of any group end up as Elite. Elite is not safe for anyone... Social position is the most worthless contrived distractive antidote ever conceived to battle the dysfunction of off-balanced human development under modern government platonics.... If Im not able to express myself, or show personal identity, If Im not accepted for my true authenticity, I need to work through the problems that I may grow honestly. However, a more sinister approach has been created to solve this problem. Create a group of dishonest people and be one of them. Create a pathological Elite that will give acceptance and security.. One cannot be true to themselves or anyone else in this Elite. One is looking to be viewed all the time, one is never to be the viewee..... Viewed and worshiped as a star that others in the Elite group may get envious, that is the goal, to be ones own God. And if others have to suffer for that, that is OK. If others have to die that I may live as I wish, They are only human sacrifices. They are the other people things... The other sub human things. The other things... The second class viewers.. They are not like the in people!, or, the eternal "us". Those who are viewed are Gods, those who are viewers are expendable porters. Porters to be used then ran into the ground and buried alive..

Modern mental illness is created in such psychological death factories. The victims, those that are just,, those that have no need for Elitism are at risk of extreme mental pressures.. Being the second class rated under such social systems can cause death... These systems can be in Government nations, business group, church group, or a simple basic family system where one person in control becomes imbalanced.

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I am agonizing, I am trusting God on how to deal with my present situation.

Because Im not working and Im on SSI Im am shunned by most people....

[ Continued ]

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