July 2025
June 2025
A new sector has opened up in my recovery, The sector of the spider.
conquer/conquered
vanish
I people please to survive. Im waiting...
Prejudice
Its heart braking to stand up
Im trying to start where I was stolen from...
Im under attack
Im not enough
My attacks are more subtle, not less wearing.
Do not give what is holy to the dogs...
The kindest deeds of the wicked are still cruel..
Do not give ones pearls to pigs and swine lest they trample you under there feet, turn and tear you into pieces...
Thugs and thug princesezz...
fake...
looks
---------------------------------------------
Help me,
I live in a police state....
marching and smiling...
Poor person or soldier
With status people die..
worship/shutdown
Affluence
attack
all alone... abandon in a field/silence
open
dialog...
disrespect
thug elite...
composure
Im still not able to say what I need to say.. what I want to say.. Its about having the freedom to speak and grow and learn... To express freely without being shut down...
Our partner
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Blog 41
Last edited by OMNICELL on Tue Mar 20, 2012 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
0 Comments Viewed 59411 times BLog 40
Im not Brian... Ive been telling myself this all day... Ive been through this before... Before, when I would ride my bike and cry... I would tell myself that I don't know that person, its not me.. Im not named Brian... Who is Brian and why do they keep calling me this name.... Ive never been brian ... I don't know him... I feel like Im getting smothered when they call me this. I don't know how to respond to it. I feel much better being me... not him.... IVe never been him.. It is him that has caused all of this.. All of this upheaval. All of this pain.... I hate having to respond to him... Im not him. Why wont they leave me alone.. What did I do to deserve all of this... Im not the one suffering , he is...
Im the one that plays the drums.... Im the one that pays the bills not him... He plays outside... He rides the bikes...... At-least when he was young he would ride bikes. When he was 8 years old... by the time he was 9 he was dead... . I feel more myself when Im not him..... When Im him I secretly want to be me... Im always me.. He is the secret... When others call me Brian I get nervous and don't know how to respond... Im not sure what they want or who they are talking to.. or talking about.. Im not sure. I know they want something. A little I don't have... I don't know my name.... Im not sure... Im sure who I am...... Im not Brian... Brian Died... he has been gone long ago..... I don't like it when my personalty has to change. Change into something or someone I don't like just to feel safe... I don't want to change or shift anymore... Im not sure how the world looks Or who I am... Who sent that stupid letter to that women. It wasn't me.. I wouldn't involve her in my business or make deals with her... This is crazy.... She thinks Im crazy. She doesn't understand, it wasn't me. I would never make deals with her. I would never get involved with her in the first place. It was brian coming up from the dead again... Brain cant make decisions... that is because he is dead... Someone else was making the decisions... Hmmm... Someone else.... People think they know me. They do not.. I am secretly me not him... When the time is right I will reveal myself.... But why. Why do I have to.... 0 Comments Viewed 58967 times BLog 39
They want me to buy a house and get a job....
Why cant I find friends... Its terrifying to look through people to find the right ones.. Im the dog and they are the Horse Buggy, Carriage, Sleigh and Stagecoach. I pull them in the snow. They drink soda.. My decision or there decision.. they don't know me... They never wanted to know me.. I am an object.. Its enough to be on SSI... I would have killed my self anyway, I think about dying all the time.. I would do it. I would. I don't care... I don't give a ###$ either way... Relationships: Im afraid she will see all the porn I watch. SSI: Why do they think everyone is faking it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why would a well educated man like myself thro away his whole life for 650 bucks a month and have no girl friends... Its against the law to be on SSI for a nut check and be able to communicate This small town... On one hand I am safe.. On the other I am condemned... My condition is a condition that repeats itself. It is like Diabetes... It never goes away.. I have learned a few things.. Don't tell anyone its a mind thing, or problem.. tell them you have blood transfusion problems or something. Or your rich uncle left you some money to live on each month.. Don't mention Nutsville... You will be judged for the rest of your eternity ######6 life.. ------------------------ IF you get better, if you try to get better: You will be judged.. When you tell the truth people think you are weak... So many girls think they have upper status above me... They are so ######6 brain dead. ---------------------------------------- PTST: One cannot react to the outside world through movement. Pressure: Some people do not want to listen to my diagnosis.. they want to create it for me and spill it back to me... they are not interested in my opinion. They have there own.... alone.. I am treated like a second class citizen... Its all fascinating.. It a bit scary... ---------------- Sites like Psych Forum are great, because I don't have to explain. I can be.....
Last edited by OMNICELL on Fri Mar 16, 2012 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
0 Comments Viewed 59609 times BLog 38
I have to make some beats, its the only way.. do some drumming. Still thinking about buying NI Maschine
I am 50 years old. Hmmm. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im on a curious journey no one wants to admit or validate... --------------------------------------------------- I wish they would leave me alone. Im not accepted/// ------------------------------ I was laughed at today -------------------- I loved this girl and cant let go.. I lost her....!!! She found out I was a crazy, and I couldn't support her.. The inside of me meant nothing to her... I don't get it. I never will.... ------------- People think Im lying. This leaves me hopeless and confused.. I want to run and hide away for ever... ----------- Now I will start over!
Last edited by OMNICELL on Thu Mar 15, 2012 4:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
0 Comments Viewed 58008 times BLog 37
To lie is not going to work...
What about being a victim ? Hmmm/////........ Who is in control of me.... If I am to wash my clothing and live, I have to do it on my terms, not on theres. And that is the sadist(Saddest) thing.. And the hardest... It is so hard. Defeat is a great majesty... To bow down is such an abandonment.. Its the raping of soul-man... The wave at which I never wanted to see. It cometh...! I am easily overwhelmed. I am easily persuaded if the cost is greater then the crime.. I am a fountain..... A man fountain... Like chocolate chip... What will I do to be noticed. To be accepted.. Why am I not accepted... The world has turned upside down... Now its down on me!!... The expression of the other self, I cannot betray myself. The grieving process is slowed down... One day is a thousand years.. One grieve is the cry of eternity. The grave digs itself. Do I have to go along for the ride. Do I have to go along for the charade. Is there no peace in the haunted house... I owe no one..... I Am not, Im OK... Im not OK... Im buried alive.. At-least I spelled " buried" correctly, to spell a word correctly for the first time for this Dyslectic, is like hitting a whole-in-one on the golf course.. I hate, I am sorrowful. I fall, I never stand. Like a tilted house, backwards momentum to a strait path in the wrong direction... are those my feet..... I will never know... Moon landing... The solar wind is pouring in from all corners of the world.. Are you writing this to help me, are you writing this to hurt me. Don't lie... Ive been convinced that being a bad child is a good for everyone. Its better to be a bad child then no child.! I don't agree. I think its better to be a good child in a disillusioned world of order.. Old New Preview This helped@@
Last edited by OMNICELL on Mon Mar 12, 2012 10:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.
0 Comments Viewed 59071 times |
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