OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Dec 29, 2011 11:15 pm

I used the word " Abstract" in a public place. I know Im getting better...

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:20 am

Its always nice to read that Im not alone. That others have the courage to come forward and talk about their inability to deal with the work world.

I have never been present to be in the work world. I was thrown away at an early age. I was traumatized into shock. Im trying to understand what happened to me.

I have a fantasy bond about what has happened to me in this life at several different time points. Under the fantasy bond of trauma is the truth. Possibly if I could experience that truth I could move forward with my life.

The work world has been beyond me as I have never been safe in any work situation. I have been a whore, nothing more. That does not sit well with someone of my traumatic background. However, I was never able to do anything about it as I was to sick mentally.

Its enough that Im still alive. Sometimes I wonder how that is possible. Yet Im still here. Why I don't know..

I am a deep thinking seeking person.. I have never had the ability to think without trauma associated with the outside world. My thinking is very limited in the outside world. That might change when Im willing to put effort into opening my mind about things.. Im scared to open my mind about things. I don't want or need to get ripped apart again...

Suicide is a real problem for me. I have to stay in the middle or I will fall of the edge...
Sometimes it seems that on all edges and the ceiling and the floor and whats in front of me is Evil. And their is no light anywhere. I get overwhelmed.

more and more the answer for me is God. A deeper trust and relationship with God... God at all moments...

I don't have allot of friends. And I don't have any family that really likes me. Ive been hated by them from the beginning..

I have talents. I wont pursue them. Im not sure why. Its the PTSD stuff and fantasy stuff and dissociation stuff that is in the way as usual. I have my work ahead of me. Right now its the simple basic stuff of getting to know myself, working with God to take one task at a time to learn the many various forms of walking again...

Is spiritual walking an expectable occupation. I don't know. For some Im simply not good enough. I should be doing more or doing better. I should have more, or acting like I praise others more.

All I can learn to do is come back to reality then learn the various forms of emotional spiritual walking again. One spiritual leg movement at a time.. That would be a miracle. Just to emotionally feel safe and practice basic functioning again. Their is a whole journey in all of that... A huge life time full of journey. However, God will not require a whole life time to practice what needs to be practiced. I will have to learn to appreciate the struggles and handicaps of the journey...

Judgements:

Lets not forget about judgments from others..

I am judged so severally that no one wants anything to do with me. I don't have to worry about anything more then loneliness. If I could learn to be alone with no one. Things would be a lot better. I have found that I need people around me. They are all so 2 faced that I give up in frustration and lock myself in my apartment to take a break..
I don't appear to have problems to people. I have been described by others that I am aloof, standoffish and antisocial. I wonder why. Im a dissociative person and if I am not safe I walk way, or run away. I hate dealing with 2 faced people that have nothing better to do then waist other peoples time expecting to get worshiped..

I am hated by others. Its an old hate. Not a jealous hate. Its a different deeper hatred. It has something to do with God. That I am right with God. Meaning Im on my knees to him all the time. I can do nothing right in front of God. So instead, Im on my knees to him all the time. This is the right thing that was missing. now its not missing. ITs called a relationship with God.

I am a descent person. A kind person. I care allot about...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:37 pm

These are exploratory blogs for the purpose of writing large amounts that I may view my past experiences on paper. Helps me grow. ITs already working.

I don't expect people to read all of it...

Hmmm..... Take what you like and leave the rest.... Smile...

Nothing can be more compelling for the person on SSI then to be judged about work issues.
" Where do you work"
" What is your occupation"
" What are your future plans of employment"
"Whats wrong with you"
"You don't look like their anything wrong with you"
"You just lack in confidence"
" I wonder if I fake it with a mental illness, will I get to stop working like this guy does"

These are not just scary sentences, their crucifying at times. Their the secret society that no one wants me to know about. The words used behind my back....

I live in a society of status. I live in a society of followers. None thinking people pleasers. Not everyone, Just enough people to ask the wrong questions at the wrong times.

------------------------------

When I was sickest:

1. No bath
2. No wash cloths
3. Possibly didn't brush teeth
4. didn't take care of hair
5. did not shave./at times looked like a mountain man
6. CLothing choice didn't matter much/ bad shoe choice
7. did not clip finger nails or two nails.

Socially, could not have interaction. When I was to close to people I could not look at them. Ever.
People thought I was crazy. I was... horribly framed from the PTSD problems and depression and social avoidance and... Homelessness, The list goes on..
------------------------------------------------------------

Now after 15 years of work in 12 step groups and outside psych groups. A 6 years with correct diagnosis:

Im:
Much improved. Better...

1. Still don't wash clothing. Its getting better.. ?
2. I brush my teeth now that I ruined them... It may be to late.
3. Hair is short, I have the navy pilot look
4. Better selection of clothing choice and understanding of clothing choice
5. 100% better shoes choices..
6. Shaved most of the time. Not as good as it could be. Almost..
7. Clipped toe nail, clipped fingernails. Fingernails are kept at a minimum on regular bases and are clean.. Other facial hair is trimmed or shaved.
8. Not taking baths as shower as much as I should. Its better.

Im not as angry, Im much much better at being around people, for the first time i can look at them closer up. Look at them in the eyes at times. This is still very hard.

Im not slumped over in my chair now. I have studied and learned a new way to hold myself.
Im on a mountain bike all the time. This helps to keep the weight down, and to keep in shape and to let out tension... I have agoraphobia. So being outside is hard. iT adds one more layer of dissociation and that layer gets thicker and thicker as the day goes on, agoraphobic speaking. It is possible to ride a bike outside and still be agoraphobic at a moderate level. Its about managing symptoms. At anytime I can dart away from people when Im on my bike. I can get close to them, not controlled by them.. Im free to ride away..

I don't sound so bizarre when Im sharing in 12 step groups. Not like I used to. I used to scare people. Its was all about killing everything..

Im on topic to the best of my ability. I used to go on for 20 minutes until someone had to stop me. I wasn't aware of time or people or of what I was saying or anything..

At the church Im at, they consider it"ME" a miracle. Im not the freakout raged based person I was when they met me. Im an example of Gods work from the church. Thats their view. God was working in the therapists office, then the 12 step groups ,then the church. And it doesn't really matter I have PTSD and its not going away..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
As of Now:

I look good to people or presentable....

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:56 am

They love the darkness more then the light.

I was addicted to the darkness more then the light. I never loved it. I loved God and was separated from him because I was told by the community that I was not good enough to be loved by God. I was not good enough to swim in a street of sloth. I wanted more then anything to be close to him and his realm. When I was finally at deaths door, and finally at the end of myself, I could join him. Strangely enough, I thought that meant Suicide in heaven..

God allowed my regenerate to happen on earth as well as in heaven. Is this not a blessing or is it a curse. Its a little of both.
Actually it is an authentic miracle. A real Miracle is not free. Their are maintenance costs. Costs for upkeep. Nothing is free down here on earth.

Im grateful, things are better then they used to be. Anything is better then it used to be..

My friends are nowhere to be seen. They will never be seen again..

Im not new to loss. Or to the Psychiatric experience. like so many people, Ive been in and out of the horrors of the Psychiatric condition.. Im a sensitive person in a barbaric world. This world has left me hungry and shoved to the side of the road, pleading for help, pleading for answers, until finally my brain gave out and I could not remember who I was anymore... At that point I was not asking anything of anyone.

I was no-more, anymore...

I was gone, and it looked like it would be permanent... However, God did not see it that way, and he opened doors , and I am slowly coming back to life.. Ive been here before, Hopefully this time things will be more manageable.

As for friends;;

My My My this is a rough life. Nothing has changed since the beginning of civilization.. And I thought because Im an American I would bypass all the troubles... Not now, not so.

I had friends. Ive had many, and many that left me for better people as I had nothing to offer them.. At-least not according to the laws of status and privilege..

I was convinced that I should die that they live as they wished. Now Im convinced that Im Ok.
A little beat up.

I like myself:
Im learning how to like myself. I don't believe anymore the trouble with people is all about me. Im having a change of heart.

People are not what they seem:
My friends were never my friends. They did not care if they ever saw me again. They did not care if god loved me. They did not care about me unless status conditions could be upheld.

These people are not safe to be around. ITs not that they were not good enough to be around me. They were not humans. They were vampires acting like nice vampires. Acting like nice people. They were nice vampires.!! I thought they were humans. sorry, my mistake. mistaken identity... Humans and vampires need walk next to each other on the board-walk, However, not a good idea to go any further. Coffee is out..

First: I thought everyone loved God deeply somewhere within themselves. I just thought that.. That is part of the problem of a fantasy bond. I want happiness. I see light. I didn't see them coming.. Then it was to late.

Sadly enough, I was not enough just the way I am... This is a strange sick form of evil. Not being good enough.. Im good enough for God, Im not good enough for the people in my own country.. Why,? What kind of creepy nightmare is this Human experience that Im not good enough...

Status: The inventory

Car
House
Motor boat
clothing
shoes
rings
wallet/moneys
relationships
friends/who you know
economic position conditions
economic future conditions
Who are your family/family history/what did they do for a living
do you own land ?
credit report
where do you live in town
Do you have insurances of different types
Are you good at anything/talents
Are you good looking or average
How much do you have in the bank
Who are you dating/ are you single/are you married
How smart are you/are you intelligent/creative
communicator/speaker/writer...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Dec 11, 2011 10:52 pm

Sometimes its better to get attention, even from abusive people then to be alone. Thats what Im working on looking at... It used to be that way years ago. Its better now. Im slowly learning to walk away.. And abuse can be subtle and very under the table quite.

Ive heard it said " what people think of me is none of my business". I would agree. However, they make it really hard to leave me be that I may not care about what they think of me. Or they would like me to notice if they are thinking about me,. Control by others is a fascinating thing. They will try anything to get noticed, noticed by my eyes, noticed by my hearing.. they will walk into my presence to get noticed. noticed for their pleasure,. not mine. This can be very hard on me when I all I am trying to do is get recovery. Im not in need to be noticed as much. Id rather be accepted and loved and have real people that I can feel safe around. I don't trust people with the characteristics that I just mentioned above. Yet, I seem to attract them. The zombies are everywhere and their not very smart. Yet, now that I think about it, Neither am I if Im allowing them into my personal space, My eye space and my head space.

So,

Im the victim that is allowing all of this.. Kinda, sorta, maybe,.,?

The problem is , I want to be loved and accepted and treated fairly. I want to be saved, tak'n care of. I want friends that I can trust and be safe around. I forget that although Im needy, theirs only a few out of the group that I may relate with me. Others are smiling and happy, this doesn't make them friend material for me. I may need to be around select people that I may feel safe.

I send out " Im a victim , please save me signals". This attracts every opportunist predator out of the group. They are looking to get theirs at my expense, then I turn around and blame them for being attracted to me. I was calling them over because of my body language and who knows what else.

Its hard. Hard to say no to people that want to give me attention. The child in me wants to go play with them.. The adult cant allow it. The adult realizes the people I want to play with are sick and they are not playing with me for honest reasons, deep down they are haters that want to get back at the world. Hurt people that are trying to get their pain justified. This is the last type of person I need in my life at the present. Im way to sensitive for that. I am stupid when it comes to people. I think we are all 12 years old, and we all want to go out and play marbles in the grass. Wrong. will I ever learn. Im learning. Learning to let go of the childhood fantasy bond. At least the part that is not working anymore.

The PTSD blinds me and keeps me from responding when I need to to keep these people away, and screen or filter the right people in. Its all hard work. ITs worth it. ITs all so confusing..

Fear and Boundaries

Work issues #2

Work issues #1

Friends

What people think of me..!!

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