OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Feb 02, 2012 11:46 pm

Everything is going well on this side of the world.. Im practicing in this life , hitting land-minds,getting up, going forward. Im seeing results and getting better. A work in progress. A hard work in progress.

The gaol is to connect; with self, with Gods plans for me, with women, with the general world, with the stars at night. with the music in my dreams...

one goal is to clean everything on a regular basis. Clothing and apartment.

keeping my high end mountain bike in good shape is work...

Ive been studying the Holocaust from cambodia. I saw the pictures from the Tuol Sleng Prison. Its enough to break me. I want to save the children or young teenagers. I cant. Its very frustrating. They are gone. They were clubbed to death 35 years ago.. In the pictures, the prisoners look so alive. Did this happen yesterday...

Ive been through my own personal holocaust, I relate with what I see in the pictures and the stories. The eyes and facial expressions and lack of hope. The need and crying out for someone to save them, Anyone.! yet no one will be showing up, Instead they must prepare for death. I know it all to well. It is all so sad.. And those in these pictures will not be coming back. They are in the killing fields. Im surprised as some of these prisoners look like the person next door. I relate to the fear and the loss of words, and having no way out, Ones back against the wall, Knowing it will be over... The horror and terror that it will be over for them.. No way out. No hope. And the prisoners in these pictures know this.. Fight as they will, believing they are in control, it is no good. All their human strategy and willingness will not save them, and this agony shows in there pictures. And this agony is my agony. I pray that God take care of them in heaven. That they receive the love they were never allowed down here on this crummy planet...

Till next time...

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Jan 27, 2012 11:35 pm

Ive been practicing!

I face a beautiful women

Takers are vampireing me

Bank Teller;

Watch those eyes, they wonder. Im bringing on my own problems.

12 step group:

First encounter,
A women,. say hello. ( 3 second rule).. Don't think!

Into the meeting:

brought scripts with me.

CPTSD and Alters causing great anxiety. I survive and learn

Stop looking at people thinking I know what they are thinking. If I want a relationship, I will go up to them and talk to them.

Im noticing that Ive lost control of my eyes. They wonder. Getting that control back is important.

I share at the meeting. Im not sure if what Im saying is for attention and popularity.

Neediness and victimhood. Im learning to stay away from this.

A gentleman has spoken. I decided to walk up to him and talk to him. I survived.

I need to stop and think about how I will approach a person before I approach them. Dialectic behavior of awareness comes to mind.

1 year ago I could not let anyone near me at this level of personal awkwardness ..

The key is to keep working at it. Even if the locals have no idea Im working at or working through them.

Practice is the key. The goal of a war is to win. Everyone knows war causes casualties. I just have to tuff through it if Im going to learn anything...

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jan 26, 2012 4:55 am

Im doing better then I have ever been from a dissociative perspective. My middle life is mangled and asleep. Im learning so much about what really went on. SO much discomfort and pain. Im learning about myself. Im not happy about all of this. Not happy about what has happened to me. I would have never done all of this to myself..

Ive had several social encounters today. At least 5 I think that I was present for. Meaning, I was aware that I was trying to interact, it wasn't a passive situation. I was analyzing the situations to see how I could improve, not be a passive person.

ALters:

I have a protector alter that runs my life. ALl this alter does is protect, Run , hide from place to place and secretly drop or put something from her hand onto the ground or safe place, look around and start running again to hide. She has ran this system all of my life. She is the co founder of the system.
Im starting to see that I see everything through her eyes, not mine. I do everything she does, I run when she runs, I hide when she hides. She is a strong strong rock hard little alter.

Ive noticed lately socially that the person that responds is not present. I don't know who this is. I don't know the part of me that responds, this part of me is trapped in complete dissociation. When Im talking to someone its an alter that runs everything, The person that is to respond to the person Im talking to is nowhere to be found. I found this out tonight, Im scared and not responding. Im not able to understand the world around me with the child protector alter in charge. She/he has protected me all of my life. Tried as hard as possible from the beginning. Im starting to see her from the first grade when I was 6. She has been around from the beginning protecting me.. I just had a massive flash back. I am 4 or 5 playing at marry drakes play school. This is sacred ground that is kept safe. I believe the protector alters keep my memories safe that I may not get ruined incase I see more trauma. Well, I just saw more memories of sacred times.. This is coming out of the abyss of anxiety.

Who have I become, who have I been. I am shaped like fragmented clay.
Now Im looking for the me. The me that responds. Responds to something else then PTSD images. Im dissociate, Im wondering where I am, where is the person that responds to people. Its very frustrating. Its possible person is cut-up and weak. To weak to come out or be part of the present system.. I understand that. I need to be free to respond.

This person , the responder personality is gone. Buried I assume. I remember this person, He is no more, unless he can be unleashed. I don't know. Its strange, Like Ive been cut off from myself. Im only half. The other half is somewhere else... Or Im two of myself.
I think their are two of me, two of m's. Part of me is present as me, and the other part is the responder me and he is not present. I need him. I need him to be present that I am not passive. iTs very frustrating...

I had several people say hello to me tonight, I could not respond emotionally, because this response required the responder personality. All I can do is watch like a 4 year old in fear and trauma.

Im not sure of the way out on this.. I will have to study, ask the therapist... How did all this happen.! Things are not what they seem, or appear to be. What happened to me.... I am not my protector memories. I am a whole hidden group of memories I have never seen.

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:49 am

Be prepared Be prepared Be Prepared Be Prepared Be Prepared Be Prepared ( repeat sentence)

3 seconds: make a decision

Awareness after the fact is not brilliant

What was her name ?

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jan 23, 2012 10:40 pm

Long blog:

Blogs are a real cool thing. I feel like Im at a desk creating something safely, yet, other desks are close. Im in solitude, Im not alone...

The other night I had a horrible social experience. I wanted to leave planet earth.. Yet, Today and yesterday things worked out for me...

At the meetings, One women comes up to the coffee maker, she looks at me and says "Hi", she has to go to court. I said, "Hi, Im a felony.. are you a judge". She laughs, "maybe", I say, "because with that body I need to be sentenced...." She laughs and the whole room starts laughing, then, another girl in the corner looks at me says, " what did you say", I look right at her and said, "What are you a reindeer," She laughed, "Why" she said. "Because Im Santa", everyone laughed again.. And few more things were said, a few more jokes.

This is serious stuff...

This is the start of the third section. The first was attraction, the second is the approach. The third is communication. the 4th is dating. Ive been studying for several year how to return to society. I was completely dissociative. unable to respond to anything or anyone. I had no memories.. I am relearning everything. It feels good to be heading in the right direction. I know how to dress, How to act, Im learning more about approach. I use the 3 second rule. And I never stare at anyone... Now Im learning how to talk. What needs to be worked on next is the combination of approach and communication. That will come much later. I have more scripts to write first.

The real goal of this was never to be alone. And these skills apply to everyone I come in contact with, its not all about girlfriends.
I lost everything and for most of my life I have been alone. No more..! I lost 50 pounds, started hip hop dancing in the window at night, graduated to a big merrier. Got more into shape, started lifting weights, Got to 180 pounds, no fat.. I look good with great shoes and sport jacket... I had to learn how to re-groom myself. Short trimmed hair style, no facial stuff. clean cut. keep those teeth shined, mouthwash.. Style, just a bit a bling. I have an old hip hop necklace, I found it on a railroad track. iTs about 25 years old. I always get complements. Its got enough style to have style. yet, its not dated, no one looks at me thinks Im waring a tire chain from the eighties around my neck like Run DMC... Its got tuff, its got a bit of bulk, not to much.. ITs warn, its gold... Its me..

The problem was I could not talk to anyone. I was so dissociative that I could not respond to anyone that got close to me. Im a smart man, I like to study, I like to research, I took my research to the field and I was shocked.. It was working, it was all coming together. The field research was coming together. I could not approach and talk to someone from a perspective of assertiveness. I did learn to talk to people that forced themselves around me. Very few words were spoken.. THis forced the dissociative disorder to give way and let me out a bit.

Im now starting to take the jokes, the scripts and indirect starters with me on paper. Its starting for me. It might take 6 months of practice to get proficient at this . I don't know. I don't really care, Im just glad Im here at this step.. Its that much further away from where I came from. I came from death. Everything that leads to life is better then where I came from. That is why I practice so much...
Im still dissociative, so Im learning how to be both. I have avoidance anxiety syndrome to deal with. Im learning how to juggle all of it..

Last night at a meeting, In my sharing I admitted that my brain was permanently weak from all the traumas in my life. That my brain cannot stay present, even It I tap all the time. It wont stay present. I know its weak. Im disabled.. Its that simple.....

[ Continued ]

Reflections

Another day in social land

Alter of responding

Social continues/Social confusions...

Social practice

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