OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jan 26, 2012 4:55 am

Im doing better then I have ever been from a dissociative perspective. My middle life is mangled and asleep. Im learning so much about what really went on. SO much discomfort and pain. Im learning about myself. Im not happy about all of this. Not happy about what has happened to me. I would have never done all of this to myself..

Ive had several social encounters today. At least 5 I think that I was present for. Meaning, I was aware that I was trying to interact, it wasn't a passive situation. I was analyzing the situations to see how I could improve, not be a passive person.

ALters:

I have a protector alter that runs my life. ALl this alter does is protect, Run , hide from place to place and secretly drop or put something from her hand onto the ground or safe place, look around and start running again to hide. She has ran this system all of my life. She is the co founder of the system.
Im starting to see that I see everything through her eyes, not mine. I do everything she does, I run when she runs, I hide when she hides. She is a strong strong rock hard little alter.

Ive noticed lately socially that the person that responds is not present. I don't know who this is. I don't know the part of me that responds, this part of me is trapped in complete dissociation. When Im talking to someone its an alter that runs everything, The person that is to respond to the person Im talking to is nowhere to be found. I found this out tonight, Im scared and not responding. Im not able to understand the world around me with the child protector alter in charge. She/he has protected me all of my life. Tried as hard as possible from the beginning. Im starting to see her from the first grade when I was 6. She has been around from the beginning protecting me.. I just had a massive flash back. I am 4 or 5 playing at marry drakes play school. This is sacred ground that is kept safe. I believe the protector alters keep my memories safe that I may not get ruined incase I see more trauma. Well, I just saw more memories of sacred times.. This is coming out of the abyss of anxiety.

Who have I become, who have I been. I am shaped like fragmented clay.
Now Im looking for the me. The me that responds. Responds to something else then PTSD images. Im dissociate, Im wondering where I am, where is the person that responds to people. Its very frustrating. Its possible person is cut-up and weak. To weak to come out or be part of the present system.. I understand that. I need to be free to respond.

This person , the responder personality is gone. Buried I assume. I remember this person, He is no more, unless he can be unleashed. I don't know. Its strange, Like Ive been cut off from myself. Im only half. The other half is somewhere else... Or Im two of myself.
I think their are two of me, two of m's. Part of me is present as me, and the other part is the responder me and he is not present. I need him. I need him to be present that I am not passive. iTs very frustrating...

I had several people say hello to me tonight, I could not respond emotionally, because this response required the responder personality. All I can do is watch like a 4 year old in fear and trauma.

Im not sure of the way out on this.. I will have to study, ask the therapist... How did all this happen.! Things are not what they seem, or appear to be. What happened to me.... I am not my protector memories. I am a whole hidden group of memories I have never seen.

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:49 am

Be prepared Be prepared Be Prepared Be Prepared Be Prepared Be Prepared ( repeat sentence)

3 seconds: make a decision

Awareness after the fact is not brilliant

What was her name ?

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jan 23, 2012 10:40 pm

Long blog:

Blogs are a real cool thing. I feel like Im at a desk creating something safely, yet, other desks are close. Im in solitude, Im not alone...

The other night I had a horrible social experience. I wanted to leave planet earth.. Yet, Today and yesterday things worked out for me...

At the meetings, One women comes up to the coffee maker, she looks at me and says "Hi", she has to go to court. I said, "Hi, Im a felony.. are you a judge". She laughs, "maybe", I say, "because with that body I need to be sentenced...." She laughs and the whole room starts laughing, then, another girl in the corner looks at me says, " what did you say", I look right at her and said, "What are you a reindeer," She laughed, "Why" she said. "Because Im Santa", everyone laughed again.. And few more things were said, a few more jokes.

This is serious stuff...

This is the start of the third section. The first was attraction, the second is the approach. The third is communication. the 4th is dating. Ive been studying for several year how to return to society. I was completely dissociative. unable to respond to anything or anyone. I had no memories.. I am relearning everything. It feels good to be heading in the right direction. I know how to dress, How to act, Im learning more about approach. I use the 3 second rule. And I never stare at anyone... Now Im learning how to talk. What needs to be worked on next is the combination of approach and communication. That will come much later. I have more scripts to write first.

The real goal of this was never to be alone. And these skills apply to everyone I come in contact with, its not all about girlfriends.
I lost everything and for most of my life I have been alone. No more..! I lost 50 pounds, started hip hop dancing in the window at night, graduated to a big merrier. Got more into shape, started lifting weights, Got to 180 pounds, no fat.. I look good with great shoes and sport jacket... I had to learn how to re-groom myself. Short trimmed hair style, no facial stuff. clean cut. keep those teeth shined, mouthwash.. Style, just a bit a bling. I have an old hip hop necklace, I found it on a railroad track. iTs about 25 years old. I always get complements. Its got enough style to have style. yet, its not dated, no one looks at me thinks Im waring a tire chain from the eighties around my neck like Run DMC... Its got tuff, its got a bit of bulk, not to much.. ITs warn, its gold... Its me..

The problem was I could not talk to anyone. I was so dissociative that I could not respond to anyone that got close to me. Im a smart man, I like to study, I like to research, I took my research to the field and I was shocked.. It was working, it was all coming together. The field research was coming together. I could not approach and talk to someone from a perspective of assertiveness. I did learn to talk to people that forced themselves around me. Very few words were spoken.. THis forced the dissociative disorder to give way and let me out a bit.

Im now starting to take the jokes, the scripts and indirect starters with me on paper. Its starting for me. It might take 6 months of practice to get proficient at this . I don't know. I don't really care, Im just glad Im here at this step.. Its that much further away from where I came from. I came from death. Everything that leads to life is better then where I came from. That is why I practice so much...
Im still dissociative, so Im learning how to be both. I have avoidance anxiety syndrome to deal with. Im learning how to juggle all of it..

Last night at a meeting, In my sharing I admitted that my brain was permanently weak from all the traumas in my life. That my brain cannot stay present, even It I tap all the time. It wont stay present. I know its weak. Im disabled.. Its that simple.....

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Jan 22, 2012 4:29 pm

Long blog....

Im getting better Its shocking.. My mental condition is getting better. The symptoms are lowering. The original condition remains. For 30 years, a destroyed life, unlikely I would come through it. Well, I put the work in, and now Im getting better. Better for what? The world is how I left it. People are still indifferent as usual. Thank God for fantasy bonds or I would never make it. I would never live here on planet earth unless I could see it unclearly..

Talking to people or getting close to people, do I really want this?

Hi, my name is "take me for granted" whats your name? No please, you first! go ahead talk about yourself. This is an uneven conversation, Its all about you. Remember, nothing is about me, even though Im smarter, more gifted, 10000 times more creative. No please ,go ahead and take advantage, your not the first, you wont be the last. I don't mind, I was born to give it away and get nothing in return... Thank you, I appreciate your help. By your influence I am once again hiding in my apartment, Im never going to leave ever again...

"People are not nice
They manipulate"

People act nice, they are not nice, they feel they have superior status and have to prove it., they are looking down on me as an object to be controlled. False image appearing real vs My real image hiding so I don't get clobbered..

Its never safe.

Ive read, Ive studied, Ive been told, Just stop thinking and do it, don't judge, don't think, walk over and talk to people. Is it me. Why do I find this so despicably horrible.
I have this rule, if you respect me, I will talk to you. If you are safe I will talk to you, If you think I have some levels of status, acceptable status as a human being I will talk to you.

However, tonight is like any other night. When Im around people, I feel like Im treated less then, and I feel manipulated. Am I suppose to ignore this. Its so heart breaking for me. I try so hard at my recovery.. I feel like Im autistic most of the time from the CPTSD. I've been told in the past I have appeared to act autistic in away.. I am getting better.
Most people consider me a brilliant person. So, I am considered some one of abilities. Yet, Im not tak'n seriously. That means they think Im intelligent with no status. GREAT..!!! What a social experiment.
People appear to like me. Some will say hello to me. Or goodbye to me. They act like they own me. Are they interested in me? , from a distance.
I know Im the one who is to approach. I understand that. I know I could get close to these people. However, Why do I feel intimidated by these people, as if they are trying to manipulate me. I feel this way all the time. I don't trust any of these monkeys. I feel manipulated! I feel worthless and no good, and not worth much more then to be manipulated. That is how it feels. Its horrible. I hate it. I loath it. Its been this way all my life.
people may be interested in my insights, they are not interested in me.
---------
On the other side of thing:

I feel like Im succeeding, Im actually further along then I used to be. I am mentioning that Im around people, people are saying hello, goodbye. Something of social activity is happening. Why does it have to be this hard. Why are people so stuck on themselves. Everyone seems like there Gods gifts walking around staring at their make-out mirrors kissing on themselves, asking God to worship them as Gods. All I wanted was a little conversation. I didn't know I had to talk to the academy of stars for an invitational appointment calendar date. " you may see the king now, you may enter". " Omnicell, you must bow before the King when you enter".
So many people striving for Elite-Hood. Elite is all that is left on planet earth. Elite is the only legal expression for a swamped deranged society.

Next step is to take more chances and get closer. I cant believe I said this......

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Jan 20, 2012 8:06 am

Im learning that when a person likes me, I have to respond. Its not fair to the person that cared enough to say hello to receive silence. Regardless of my anxiety problems I need to find away to respond. This whole affair of relating to others is very confusing. Just as I start opening up a bit, Im thrown into the shark den and expected to swim like a professional. Im just a beginner, not even a beginner. A beginner of a beginner, Yet, I have to respond to those that are responding to me. Its rude not to show appreciation, and I do appreciate. I spent to many years alone in agony and pain stuffed under a bed of fear. I now appreciate when anyone notices me and says hello or goes out of their way to give me extra accolades.
Im learning to be direct about being indirect. Im not good at direct action. I dissociate all over the place and become helpless. Thus, I loose. So, Indirect is the battle plan. When Im indirect, I still respond, I might say something simple " where did you get that shirt, I would like to buy one for my cousin" Something trivial. Indirect allows interaction with out jumping all over the person with neediness. I have been practicing indirect a few times. It is working.
Its important to remember the persons name. Many times because I don't remember the persons name, I will not talk to them. I am under such anxiety that I cant move, I find it hard to ask for help, or ask for the persons name. Thus, I may get saved through indirect chat as I concentrate on easy trivial short conversations stuff. Then if I relax, I might remember the name! at least thats the plan..

Like water carving faces in a rock. Time and practice will show results. I just need to back off a bit when the anxiety hits, one small step at a time. One consistent step at a time...

Alter of responding

Social continues/Social confusions...

Social practice

Do I really want to go through with this!!

Anxiety 3

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