OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:12 pm

15 years, thats how long Ive been at this, Recovery work... Im at the point that my therapist and I believe therapy is not necessary anymore. I see her once a month. I will see her once a month for a long time I believe. Im talking at her and telling her where Ive been and what Ive been doing. Im not doing therapy. Im coffee hocking with her... Chatting, checking in. Nothing wrong with that! ITs all good. Its a safe place to go...

Therapy is for those that need the other person to help; learn how to complete thoughts that are hidden through trauma, for a safe place to go, to gain feedback, to grow up when maturity has been destroyed through the process of living on planet earth, and many other things, to discover secrets and get them out.. Relationship evaluations, all kinds of stuff..

Im at the point that I can fetch my own solutions... Its not easy, Im all messed in the head, yet, I don't need the therapist to help me start at 0. Ive learned how to get to the start line. I could not do that before.. Before I was not home... I was death, and death became me...

ITs an interesting place to be... Not fixed, yet I know to much to be in the therapists office. Hmm.. That leaves 12 step groups and psych groups, church groups, personal relationships...

The general public makes me ill from all the judgements they lay on me. How ever I appear, I get judged. How I look and act, I get judged... No one cares.. They just want to have fun judging... Ive been through to much to allow these kinds of people into my life. HOwever, When one is desperate for love or attention or "human anything", I will hang with anyone not to be alone... Alone was horrible.. Im still alone when Im in a crowd of judgers. I want nothing to do with them. I have nothing in common with them. It ends up in a fight of some kind. Even if that Psych fight is covert and done on a distant soil.

Personal relationships: Hmm.... I don't know.. When I fake it till I make it, the average monkeys tell me I don't look like I have any problems. Even thou Im tapping, dissociating, writing with my left hand to integrate alters, and staying physically far away from people. No! this last paragraph sounds like a normal well adjusted person.. Healthy , outgoing friendly....No problems here. Glad I don't have a gun and PTSD triggering... Hmmmm..... Hope my alters don't came out....

Some people have tried to lay the emotional blackmail trip on me. Ive been told by "Da group", that they do not approve of the way I live.. that I must have character problems... It wouldn't have crossed someones mind to ask what was wrong. they wont, in order to do that , they would have to acknowledge that Im a human bing. And that would bring them down from their government style positions..These positions are of lies and ego.. Just being in the same room with me makes them ill. I am an honest man, it oozes from me.. It oozes all over them and there black stained conscious...

There are 2 types of people; Those that like me for who I am, and those that have no friends, just interests... Im afraid those that practice relations for the sake of interests do not get along with me very well... I don't have much in this world. So, I am looked over, passed by, Neg'd. Negated out... So many people looking to score the big brass ring.. Im nothing, not to the type of person that is looking for popularity and status... Im just myself, nothing more...

I am a nice person. . Im a genuine person, I attract personality disorders no matter where I go... LOL.... Hmmmmm..

Working on;
Music
cleaning clothing
cleaning apartment
bike maintenance

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:00 pm

I have something in common with the Burmese people..

The Burmese people have been in trouble for many years.. The general population outside the cities are being destroyed one at a time through starvation, homelessness and a military fascist regime that targets the innocent, shooting first then burning them alive.

The village people of burma are like you or me. They just want to have a house filled with children and a community, Food, clothing, hobbies, friends.. However, instead they are being genocide.... Forced to wonder the forest with no food, no housing, no medical. They are burned alive in their small townships. They are hunted, shot and killed.. They are turned into Porters. A porter is someone that carries the armies heavy gear on their backs until they are starved to death or beaten to death or shot. If they get tired they are killed...

Whats wrong with these ######6 people, that they would turn on themselves, on their own innocence, become an organization that kills there own people ultimately killing themselves.. Whats wrong with the above picture. What happened? A child is born believing they will have a normal life, instead life is a short nightmare of sorrow abandonment and humiliation.. Why? Even the Burmese people that are hunted are asking these simple questions. Life is short. Why is all of this going on,....

How does the above fit into my blog today...

Their are many ways to genocide a person.. One does not have to live in an isolated country in the Asiatic provence to be destroyed... One can be destroyed in there home town just as easily by other means... Abandonment, public humiliation, game playing, social ostracization... Character assassination, general hate and contempt for a person for no reason..

Status-popularity-social positioning vs honesty - decency - human authenticity

I hope I don't get thrown off this site for having my own ideology, one that is contrary to popular belief... Seems the ruling parties of any group end up as Elite. Elite is not safe for anyone... Social position is the most worthless contrived distractive antidote ever conceived to battle the dysfunction of off-balanced human development under modern government platonics.... If Im not able to express myself, or show personal identity, If Im not accepted for my true authenticity, I need to work through the problems that I may grow honestly. However, a more sinister approach has been created to solve this problem. Create a group of dishonest people and be one of them. Create a pathological Elite that will give acceptance and security.. One cannot be true to themselves or anyone else in this Elite. One is looking to be viewed all the time, one is never to be the viewee..... Viewed and worshiped as a star that others in the Elite group may get envious, that is the goal, to be ones own God. And if others have to suffer for that, that is OK. If others have to die that I may live as I wish, They are only human sacrifices. They are the other people things... The other sub human things. The other things... The second class viewers.. They are not like the in people!, or, the eternal "us". Those who are viewed are Gods, those who are viewers are expendable porters. Porters to be used then ran into the ground and buried alive..

Modern mental illness is created in such psychological death factories. The victims, those that are just,, those that have no need for Elitism are at risk of extreme mental pressures.. Being the second class rated under such social systems can cause death... These systems can be in Government nations, business group, church group, or a simple basic family system where one person in control becomes imbalanced.

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I am agonizing, I am trusting God on how to deal with my present situation.

Because Im not working and Im on SSI Im am shunned by most people....

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Feb 21, 2012 4:15 pm

Fear:

Im hitting knew levels of readjustment of the condition... The readjustment is the resurgence back into society. What is society. . What does it mean.. What does it mean to go back into society.. what has been society. What will it become..

ITs so small. The steps.... I am different they I once was. I am two people. One is curious, The other pathologically suicidal. One part wants to connect. The other wants to fall into deep deep sleep for ever. Both sides meld into each other... And many other faces appear at once,

I get hit with anxiety, PTSD style. Not fun....

I don't feel safe showing up to anything on time. I feel like Im going to be raped if Im controlled in this way... And many more things I am afraid of.... Phobic things. Things I cannot control.

I am paranoid in the real world. Connection creates fireworks... I can take very little connection with the outside world.. I seize up... I dissociate. I am very lucky to be as far in the recovery process as I am...

Dealing with the shallow outside world is an art form....

I am not of the middle class. I am of the Psychiatric class.

I have been sick all of my life. I am now waking up again.... Some of me is waking up. I am still 2/3rd s sickness. I have a window open to the outside world... A window of opportunity.

I am sad/I am happy

I am curious

I am still disabled....

To be safe is to be alone... To be dead is to be alone.... To be alive is to live in a sanctuary...

Acceptance is the golden key.....

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Feb 09, 2012 10:08 pm

BLogs are very important to me. They allow me to communicate and express how I feel on a daily basis. No one can jump in and shut me down... Its not about you. Its about me. I write for myself, not for the viewer. This is therapy away from the therapy office. Its about dumping stuff and getting on with the day... I deal with enough judgments from people during the day to make me sick. Im very defensive, Im not around friendly people. Im around judgmental people. So, having safe places to express myself is important...

I was reading someone else's blog and realized they were talking about something other then themselves. They were talking about an adventure. Or something that excited them... Something outside the mental illness frame work. Although they have mental illness, they never mentioned it. An adventure steeped in colors and mystery, that was the subject. This shocked me. As Ive always hoped that someday when my mental illness problems left, I would start concentrating on something else.. It never happened.
I still have the mental illness, I still concentrate on the mental illness.

I have no illusions, Im here at this site for one reason. To get better. Being on this site has helped a great deal. It has been confusing at times... It has helped...

I believe Im moving away from victimhood, Im moving into a "present space" Very slowly. Victimhood requires letting go of the past. Those I loved and the dreams I was hoping to fulfill with there help are gone. This is hard on my nervous system. I wanted something out of the deal. If I could not get love from all of this I wanted some kind of compensation from my past holocausts. However, the reality is I will gain nothing. I cannot drink nectar from ghosts,. I end up alone and confused. I end up seeing reality for what it is and starting point. This time I will wait and heal before I start something , or invest my life in world with no guarantees...

I have to remember to retreat and hide. Take a break and retreat and hide for awhile.. And stay away from hate people. Yet, So many of them...

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:19 am

In my world, A world of the imagination, Im somebody. In the world outside of myself Im no one. I am not someone that others want to know. Ive had masked admirers for my speaking and imagination. Ive been noticed for my depth and artistic maret. Yet, Im never noticed for being myself., The reflections of my past ring true, Like a ringing bell that cant be heard, "I", ringing out loud all day long. I am ringing to a baron land. A land of iced minds. A land of ice and snow... I am not cared about in this outside world. The hate-cold of this planet towards my spiritual and physical growth has lead to a thousand types of suicide in my younger days. Things are different now. I'm on my knees to God more and more , in his direction, not in the direction of the world. The world is of nothing. Nothing is in it... It is a baron lonely creepy place.

Don't quit. Don't quit when things get rough. Things get rough when I loose my identity. I loose identity. Controlling people are bad for me, I loose identity when I or go outside. Outside into they're world. When there are to many of them, I freeze. I dissociate. I cannot move. They hate me without a cause. They are better then me.. Just ask them.. They will tell you .....

In my world, A world of the imagination, Im somebody. In the world outside of myself Im no one. No one is interested in me. Ive had admires for my speaking and imagination. Ive been noticed for my depth and artistic merit. Yet, Im never noticed for being myself., The reflections of my past ring true, Like a ringing bell that no one hears. The outside bell falls to a different bell. A bell that is not like my bell. My bell is of an easier ancient hollow tone yet rich frequencies fall from its middle.

Church; Not easy. People hate me at this church.. I go, I get stronger. IT is working. I have not been chased out. It is my journey. Others may not understand that. It is not a time to run away. not yet.

music: I'm hitting PTSD problems and dissociating through the anxiety fields that hit like bomb shells. I can hardly sit down long enough to get started. However my mind is on a course of conquering this. So it is , so shall it be..

Women: With scripts this is possible. Like the music, I have to keep working at it. discipline is of the day..

PTSD: Ive been saturated for life. Ive been diagnosed 100% with it.. Ive been nuts from it. Ive learned to accept it the best that I can. My mind is altered, so has my way of life. I don't remember much of the last 40 years. Im like a child who started for the door, when he finally came to the door to open it and go play, it was 40 years later. This is one of several hundred symptoms.
PTSD causes massive problem with the concept of connection. As I get better, connection gets closer. Others call out for me to be connected to them. Its a natural thing to be connected.... The truth is good enough. Im finding I am of worth.. I talk freely as a person of worth, and I wont put up with others treating me less then a person of worth.. If you are not safe, you don't get in.. What you think of me is none of my business...

Anxiety: Getting better, communicating being a sick person dealing with a sick world is a complicated mess.. Im willing to try.. Inner personal communication is a hazardous thing..

Cambodia; This has hit me exceptionally hard. Im assuming the Cambodian holocaust represents so much about my personal life. Parallels exist between me and the Cambodian "them". Its such a sad thing what happened in Cambodia.. Im not sure why Cambodia is so important to me. I think its a God thing for me to study and grieve what happened, what happened to them, what happened to me. The Genocide seems strangely familiar to my personal survival story and experiences. The sadness and the losses. The lack of hope at any turn, every turn. I see the eyes of want in the old pictures of the torture rooms of Tuol Sleng. Those...

[ Continued ]

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