OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Dec 05, 2011 5:42 am

Got judged right out of my church. It was a great church. It supplied many things for me. However, the people are getting or staying mean. When I had more walls up. Walls within walls within walls. It didn't matter. I didn't care where I was. I was just learning how to show up. As I got slowly better no one else did. Maybe a few people. The point is that as I got better other people continued to judge me. They did not understand me. Or why I was what I was. Or why I wasn't working, or more importantly, why wasn't l like them. I know churches are judgmental places. IT true. However the judging gets mean. The people get mean. Theirs a sense they wanted me out, that I wasn't one of them.
I played piano and drums at that church in off hours. It allowed me to get back into my music again with Gods help. I am deeply thankful for that. But to who. To the people in the church or God.

My wave length, Their wave length, didn't fit.. Now that Im getting better, Im trying to see things without the fantasy bond. Trying to see the people the way they are. That is what counts. Nothing else.

I have to leave and find nice people to be around. I will not be around people that are prejudice. That is what is going on here. Im getting cold thrown at me. A cold stare, a cold attitude. A cold interest.
I have to leave.

Work: People think Im lazy or different. That is why I don't work. The truth is I don't have the heart to tell them all that happened to me or why Im in there small town. And I really don't wanted to be reminded of it. Most of my life was destroyed, and I never planed on it or wanted it that way. I wanted relationships with people, family , and friends. That is not what happened. Most of my life was erased, and I really don't want to look at it or deal with it. Not in a public place around public people. Its to painful. Why would I want all of that sorrow thrown down on me, all at once on an abrupt moment in the middle of a public place. In addition to that, its coming from every angle, every person in a specific group in a specific setting... Like getting the cold shoulder from everyone. Like being a scapegoat, but worse. Like being the town scoundrel or the church scoundrel in the group. Or the church loafer or pan handler.

I sang a song at church today. No one was impressed, instead they gave me these looks like : get out of our church pan handler"..."loser" "Freeloader" Nice place..!!!

Its time to leave. I...

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Dec 04, 2011 1:08 pm

Im not sure what title to use. I guess it doesn't matter. ITs all the same. Im heading in the same direction. "OUT THIER"

Im just rambling about anxieties. Would be nice to create blogs here that are private...

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What am going out their for. To who. For what. I suppose its the light. Its calling out their again. Meaning God. Or Gods healing direction.

Im a 6 year old with battle fatigue. My mind is over full of PTSD. Everything is playing like a thousand records all at the same time. Theirs more going on in my head then in reality. Any yet, Im suppose to use this brain for a purpose, as its being consumed by the wars in my head that no one gets out alive.

Back to the world. A beat'n brutalized -destroyed 6 year old is told to come back to " THIS WORLD". Just the anxieties are enough to kill 50 horseman.

Im a small child confused by war. By the psychological torture of to many lives. I stay in my cave now and don't know of the outside world. Deeply, Im protected in my cave. Yet , it is not enough. But to go through the PTSD is impossible. It rages like a battle hardened field of tanks that have no time to think or stop or act. All they can do is fight. Fight in motion to survive. Like dancers fighting within the nature of opposing ideologies. Ideas. one more chance. only one chance or we die... No time to think. No time. Must move, look and move. stay low. Sounds all around. To much... To much. To much..

The 6 year old is gun shy. To many whips to the head. Whips can be of many colors. No more rooms to hide in. Reality has broken all the windows and the orbs are coming in... So exhausted. no time to feel anything except the final choice. Even feelings have become compartmentalized with in their own box. Boxes within without boxes. A political arena has been set up just for those boxes. That they may work with each other without knowing each other. Cant fight back. Theirs a bigger monster. Must keep up appearances.

And the betrayers new what they were doing. This is the unfortunate state of people like myself that this has befall'n upon... One can never see past the field of Electricity. The fences that are always on. Miles of fences, rows of guillotines and skeletons. One after the other. To many. To many.

The incense question,? why I should go forward into the same place that causes death. Why would I believe this again. To be. To be out in this. Why. What for. Why would I believe this.... I know what is out their. Why would I go out into that again.. Their is nothing out their except the Orb. nothing more. Their are no humans. Nothing is real...

To bring a batter child back out to a battered world. "What for!?... For What !?!@ '

Yet that is the idea. To find one more free box of safety within reality... I guess theirs a teenager in me that wants out, that is willing to go through or by pass the PTSD and try to head forward. The problem is; When the teenager opens the door to LA lA land. Nothing is as it remains. Nothing remains the same. IT is of different place, different times. All dreams are gone. No one knows me. Im in a different place. All the lies and cheats have won... They set me up. They pulled the curtain....

To be humiliated and hated for no reason.. That is the true nature of the world. I cant live a lie. I cant live here. I cant live alone.. Im doing the work while others are giving the philosophy... While others are giving the orders..

no one really wants to help. No one. Its all a lie... They would rather not get involved. They would rather play a game. And control and play me along with it. A game of chess. That is all that this seems. Im a child walking outside. I never knew I was in the middle of a chess match and I was one of the pawns being pawned. I never gave them...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:35 pm

These blogs are interesting to write. The last one had allot of suicide stuff in it. I hope thats OK. Im not used to writing like that in public. Hmmm... I guess this is the place for it.

I do well when I feel secure. I do not do well when I don't feel secure. I am an artist type. Great for abstract thinking. Horrible for paying the bills and getting off the streets. Reality is way to much for me. I stop processing anything and freeze. I find reality despicable. A horrible place. I simply cant live in it. I cant live in it anymore then a person working on a fishing boat in Alaska that falls in the water can live. He will not live more then 5 minutes in that cold barring Sea. I cant live more then 5 minutes in a lost reality outside.

I feel secure when Im on the computer writing late at night. I don't feel secure eating something while looking out the window at a Safeway store in the middle of the day. Siting with a friend , we were eating something from a counter inside a Safeway store. I felt horrible. Like I had no walls around me. I felt like I was a looser and a bum. Of interest to know one. Like I had no status of any kind. We were looking out of the big window on to the parking lot. I felt like a nowhere man.
Inside my apartment I don't feel that way. It is safer in my apartment.
When Im at church Im who ever the people around me want me to be. Who ever they would like me to be. What ever box they want to put me in...

When Im outside I don't feel like Im worth much. Just a guy riding a bike like a 13 year old.
In my little world in my head Im someone. In my head. However, the outside world does not seem to notice me or want me. I suppose Im not the only person that goes through this. Its horrible. This is a mean mean place for me, this reality.. I am able to see the negative. Never the positive.

People at times want something from me. They don't want to be friends with me. Its all about performance. They don't seem to want a personal relationship with me.. I suppose its because I don't have money. Im assuming its that simple. The rest of me goes unnoticed.

The anxiety levels get high when Im outside. Theirs no walls to protect me. And I don't feel like I belong to anyone or anything. Nothing....

Theirs just so much dehumanization I can go through in my life. It seems , all life has been dehumanizing to me. I have lost all friend that I can remember. They were about performance. I had mental problems that no one cared about. Meaning I was not important enough to anyone to ask what was wrong. I was just thrown away....

I am not connected to the outside world or anyone in it. If Im out their to long I disassociate.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:21 pm

Im at home thinking about things. Thinking about what. Thinking about suicide. Thinking that it is the answer to all my problems. That is the answer to everyones problems. Just create a place that people can go to , to end it. Like a Suicide center. That would take care of all my fears that are in my head, and the hopelessness I see of the world condition.

Online Im reading about the economic problems. That was a mistake. That just fuels my beliefs that I should not last here. That theirs no reason to be here. I keep thinking that ending my life is the only dignified thing to do in an undignified world. It feels right, it feels normal. Its the only thing left that I can do if I have to be alone. And alone is the only place I feel safe. It feels natural to die. It seems like that is what the world wants me to do. Its always wanted me to die. ITs pushed for it.

I got up and went to a 12 step meeting early in the morning at 6:30. I have a really nice mountain bike. I cant afford a car. Im on SSI. I feel stupid. Im 49 years old and cant afford a car. How will that look to others. They will know, they will find out something is wrong, wrong with me.
In my head nothing seems wrong with me. Im right no matter what direction I take, including taking my life. IT all feels normal. It feels normal to die, to take my life. It feels normal and natural to me.

I go to a meeting place with people. When Im around these people, My thinking changes. My thinking starts to balance out a bit. Im not thinking about the negative stuff. Im concentrating on other people. I feel a warmth from the other people in the room that I was trying to create through my thinking when Im alone. I was trying to create emotional response from my thinking. Trying to feel something if I thought real hard. This does not work. It requires connection with people. With the world.

The world is a death trap. Just ask my alters. They know. ITs been a war zone of murder, rape and abandonment for me, for them. And now Im asked to go back. To wake up and go back to this place. I would rather float away for ever. At-least that is how I feels and seems when Im alone. i dissociate and float away for ever. Yet, I have to stay present. I have to or I will be alone for ever. And ever, wont last very long if my thinking is running everything.

Who's thinking do I listen to if Mine doesn't work right. Ive been told that my thinking doesn't work right. that the world is not how I see it in my head. That my defenses are creating my view of the world.

When Im around people Im very over sensitive, I want to feel safe. I don't have the boundaries to feel safe around people. They seem like monsters to me. Like giant spiders...

I have God. I am connected to God.

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I get such judgments from others.

I care and I don't care. No one asked me for the truth or how I feel or what is going on with my feelings. Nothing. No one wants the truth. They just side track the truth and tell me something else. When their feelings negative towards me they smile and act life their feeling are positive towards me. I end up getting confused because Im being lied to. I don't understand being lied to. Why are they lying to me. What is the gain to them. What is the gain to me. If they don't like me, Why are they trying to lead me into a direction. For what. What is the gain.... Why are they around me. Why am I around them.

Ive dealt with many many stupid people. Most of them Im afraid are arrogant in this life. Their buying into worshiping the system to get a pat on the back or to be something in this life. When I come along as I am. I am hated because I don't worship the system or the people in it. Im not interested in a system that forces 10 year old children to hang from the neck because no one was interested in them....

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:16 pm

I wrote this last night

Seems that writing here at this forum is helping allot...

I was alone from the beginning. Their was never anyone to protect me or back me up. No one. Just a fantasy bond. So many times people took advantage of me. So many times. If their is a Hell. Their will be many people in it from this time period...The people that took advantage of me. I do see them as extremely sick.

I had a childhood that I felt safe in for a few years. From about 3 1/2 to 9 or 10. It didn't last all that long. And it was slowly decompensating every year, until by the age of 10 I had lost about 65% of my faith in anything and knew things were going to get worse . I hoped the good part of my childhood would last for ever. I was on a nice street in a small town with a grade school nearby. My best friend lived down the block. I had other friends as well. They lived all over the town.

I want to say that it feels really good to tell my story. To tell what it was like and what happened.

Back to story:

One of my alters is this person. This original self. Or the Host is an alter that the child is the original me. Im not sure. I think the child is the original me. It hasn't been that long that I was diagnosed with DID. A few years. And I have not been mentally stable enough to even look at it, or remember anything.. That is slowly changing.

I began to wake up and see a sharper image of this time zone.

One of the problems is loss: When I wake up the child. The child wants to run outside the house and go play in the leaves, go visit the next door neighbor. Or get on my bike in the backyard and go ride. Or go down to lances house.

The problem: This was 40 years ago. And I am trapped their. This child in me looks at me with helplessness wondering how to get out. The world never changes in his sphere. Its always me around 7 or 8 or 9 years old. I can never get out. The whole world ended for me at that age. I was no more in a sense. And a new personality had to take over. The old one was murdered and buried.

The me that is or was present after this child died, had his handful dealing with the thrust of the present traumas at the time. Their was no time to look at what happened to this original personality.

It is impossible for anyone to stay alive from what I went through. Im not happy about that. I was dealt a set of cards that no one should have been dealt with. I did nothing to anyone. I was thrown all the way in until I was insane. I wanted to grow up like every one else. Instead I was growing toward death. I did not grow at all. I was shell shocked and multiple. That was all. A head and heart full of alters And then Dissociative disorder so bad I was witnessed by others to believe I was Schizophrenic/Pathological. I always say that I was Schyzo in one form or another because of the severity of the situation. The severity of the condition. I ended up being able to function about as well as a Schizophrenic with no meds. So whats the difference. I wasn't home either. I could not tell the difference between what was in my head and what was reality.

Those involved haven't stopped causing trouble if Im around them. They still try to take advantage of me at every opportunity. Just the Criminal nature. I would get away from them, yet the child from my childhood still begets as if everything and everyone is safe when their not.

Opening up this child opens up the memories of happiness I had. Opening up this child opens up the monsters that destroyed this child . Its always a 2 edge sword. Many times this child woke up, only to go back to sleep when the surroundings outside of myself were not the same as when young. And the world was a much different place. A brutal grey business place with no forgiveness. The child in me, in shock, would go back to sleep. No one ever cared about me. Even enough to ask me what was wrong with me. Nothing.. The coffin seemed to be my only friend....

[ Continued ]

judging

Trusting God

Being outside

Dont be alone!.. People arnt safe! Now what ?

Childhood at Christmas

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