In through the Vortex

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Mar 11, 2025 10:54 pm

Try, scrape, crawl, push, beg God; Starting at ground zero…. Ill do anything…..
.
As the Song claims… “ It aint me; Im not the wealthy mans son I didn’t come from no senator, I don’t have a room in the rich mans house.
I believe in my country…
.
I start at the beginning just like any Hero in the video game; Im the same way… I am that Hero; and that hero in the game; Hes usually a gungHo lively young Knight heading forth to make his fortune in the land… He starts out with nothing but his wits and hopefully half a brain with God on his side and his Grama’s Values; Kings Quest, a Knights Quest… and their it is…
.
A Knights Quest; and thats what Im on!
.
What is this looking like; A children's tale from the Middle Ages. Ive read a few stories from the middle ages… A Few tales… Several of them about a Knight seeking out to find their fortune and life out into the world. And that is what I am doing; its the same…
.
God is preparing me. And this is what Im learning. Ill, dig, crawl, fight legally, push, pull, plead with God on my knees, Scrape. Climb. Try! Ill try; Ill do anything… Ill try to show up; trying for someone starting out at zero; is better then nothing; and everything is better then nothing and should be given credit. The starter at ground zero does everything; they don’t have society standards; they are forced to attempt, to try, to maybe connect if that is all they can give; anything is good… thats the fight of those in desperation; they have no rules; they must fight for what they want and hopefully; they will actually believe in it not do it out of fear… instead; after the fear; they will want to do it... see some value in it.
.
Im in this place of earning my way past the smaller nonsense of life; in life; Im seeing a deeper clear picture… However; I start out at ground zero like everyone else; This is my first time starting out in life; Really starting out; and Im at ground zero but I have a wonderful attitude attempt; Hopefully with enough spiritual protection I can keep it. I have a rock’n attitude and acceptance concerning starting out.
.
NOTE; Ive been this far before? No; but kind of; when I was young; but without GOd and proper direction.. and I ended up crushed and destroyed before I got started; I had no one. and no one on my side; I was completely alone; I never made it... I was fillet’d the first wrong move out in society. I reeled back in confusion. I was rejected; not accepted. Its as if I had gone from a TV world that always accepted people; from that; to no family; no house; nothing… and then the outside world where I was not accepted… I was walled off.
.
It looks like I just might get their this time; self actualize into that Knight that seeks his rightful place at the Round table. And Ill work for every square inch of it… The Journey; And its all under God…
.
If I work for it it will materialize.
What am I going to work to get; to scrape and fight and crawl and plead and work with God; what do I want. I want that girlfriend; that is actually a friend who is sent by God… who already knows God. I want Money; House.
.
What do I want;
I want a great attitude toward cars and car insurance and maintenance… I want to go deeper when it comes to cars; deeper spiritually so I appreciate cars and having one. I want to grow up during that period of teen years I missed and before in the adolescence years; where I was scarred to death. Or the death out of me…
.

I want to go so deep; I know Im on my own and no one owes me anything nor as to. They don’t have to; This trip is between me and God; this car thing. Its up to me to go deeper with God; meaning; Im not God; God is God; and work with God getting rid of the resentments and in the end; believing Im going to get a car. That is all the goal I need concerning this subject; Just to believe Im going to get a car. For this to happen; I have to change internally. Or come out of my shell maybe. Or what ever it takes to change my attitude and fears. I see allot of horrifying things in my head when I see a car. So; I have to work through that and come back out into the present. I have allot of dissociation surrounding Try, scrape, crawl, push, beg God; Starting at ground zero…. Ill do anything…..
.
As the Song claims… “ It aint me; Im not the wealthy mans son I didn’t come from no senator, I don’t have a room in the rich mans house.
I believe in my country…
.
I start at the beginning just like any Hero in the video game; Im the same way… I am that Hero; and that hero in the game; Hes usually a gungHo lively young Knight heading forth to make his fortune in the land… He starts out with nothing but his wits and hopefully half a brain with God on his side and his Grama’s Values; Kings Quest, a Knights Quest… and their it is…
.
A Knights Quest; and thats what Im on!
.
What is this looking like; A children's tale from the Middle Ages. Ive read a few stories from the middle ages… A Few tales… Several of them about a Knight seeking out to find their fortune and life out into the world. And that is what I am doing; its the same…
.
God is preparing me. And this is what Im learning. Ill, dig, crawl, fight legally, push, pull, plead with God on my knees, Scrape. Climb. Try! Ill try; Ill do anything… Ill try to show up; trying for someone starting out at zero; is better then nothing; and everything is better then nothing and should be given credit. The starter at ground zero does everything; they don’t have society standards; they are forced to attempt, to try, to maybe connect if that is all they can give; anything is good… thats the fight of those in desperation; they have no rules; they must fight for what they want and hopefully; they will actually believe in it not do it out of fear… instead; after the fear; they will want to do it... see some value in it.
.
Im in this place of earning my way past the smaller nonsense of life; in life; Im seeing a deeper clear picture… However; I start out at ground zero like everyone else; This is my first time starting out in life; Really starting out; and Im at ground zero but I have a wonderful attitude attempt; Hopefully with enough spiritual protection I can keep it. I have a rock’n attitude and acceptance concerning starting out.
.
NOTE; Ive been this far before; but without GOd and proper direction.. and I ended up crushed and destroyed before I got started; I had no one. and no one on my side; I was completely alone; I never made it...
.
It looks like I just might get their this time; self actualize into that Knight that seeks his rightful place at the Round table. And Ill work for every square inch of it… The Journey; And its all under God…
.
If I work for it it will materialize.
What am I going to work to get; to scrape and fight and crawl and plead and work with God; what do I want. I want that girlfriend; that is actually a friend who is sent by God… who already knows God. I want Money; House.
.
What do I want;
I want a great attitude toward cars and car insurance and maintenance… I want to go deeper when it comes to cars; deeper spiritually so I appreciate cars and having one. I want to go so deep; I know Im on my own and no one owes me anything nor as to. They don’t have to; This trip is between me and God; this car thing. Its up to me to go deeper with God; meaning; Im not God; God is God; and work with God getting rid of the resentments and in the end; believing Im going to get a car. That is all the goal I need concerning this subject; Just to believe Im going to get a car. For this to happen; I have to change internally. Or come out of my shell maybe. Or what ever it takes to change my attitude and fears. I see allot of horrifying things in my head when I see a car. So; I have to work through that and come back out into the present. I have allot of dissociation surrounding all of this… So; thats what I will be working on; Dissociation and Grief.
.
Its very hard. I never had a family around when it was time to have my first car. No mother or Father; nothing; no family; Nothing; that destroyed that dream and left me shock. Now I want something different.
Now I want to face all of this trauma surrounding cars. Its a matter of depth; it goes back into my childhood and beyond; So; theirs no development; so I must work with God to face the horrors in my young life that de centered me from facing forward concerning the procurement of real things; such as Women, money, and cars.
.
The car issue is a real issue and the kind of issue I can get my hands around… I can work on this; its like getting a shovel and digging a well. The well must be 150 feet deep; lets say. And I have is a shovel; better get working.
.
.
God was going to turn me into a cave man; because in all facets; Cavemen get what they want; they don’t live in the past; they don’t need to. They are well established within the Tribe; they are brutally strong; they Hunt Dinosaurs; they have women and children and they play rock guitar when they get home. And they get to paint on cave walls; On the down side; at times; they can be Cave-Drunks and Not Cavemen; but Im not seeking that; Ive had taste of that in my life; and hopefully Im well beyond it.
.
For me; I have to earn my women; learn how to navigate with God to get my money. Earn a great attitude about having a car and all that goes with it. Nothing is free for me but I have the right to pursue God and all that the Universe can give me to help me with this process of going deeper and accepting my reality the way it is.
.
Its unfortunate; I had no one when I was young; nothing. I saw all these TV shows of kids with families and I thought I would be like that; with all of this help and support; I ended up destroyed forsaken forgotten and thrown away while still a boy.
.
So; Now; I relearn How to live under God from the ground up! And I mean from the very beginning ground… I mean at the bottom of the Totem Pole as they used to say when I was a kid.
.
I have several things going for me; However; one very important thing; My Attitude of Gratitude. I get to do this; I get this unbelievable chance to be young again and free… and do things over; Things I never did when actually young. I get to do it again free of charge. In the past the cost of the collection of resentments and hatred. Now; Im basically free of all of that; ALL OF THAT! Free indeed; Free Enough; really! And I mean that.
Now; Its a pleasure for me to start out with nothing because of what I DONT have… I don’t have a past. If I want something; I have to learn how to get it.
.
If I want Women Or Money Or Cars; I have to learn how to get it.
.
Anything; I have to learn how to get it; I don’t think anyone owes me. Instead I go to my Father in Heaven and I work with God on it; and God leads me to the right people and places and things and teachers and quides and experts who already have what I want in life; and I learn from them how to do things. I don’t have to worry about the outcome; ofcourse I do think about it; but that is for God; all I have to be trained for is to show up and go down that pathway set up by God toward the thing I want.
.
I HAVE TO BE TEACHABLE. I am the student God is the Teacher. And thats how I roll; Im a novice at it; Im working on it everyday little by little to be the one who finally steps out to the STARTING LINE… Im very close I think; but not their yet. Its close. But I only get what I earn; so slow down and don’t kill myself over it; just keep silently patiently building; Ill get their; Ill get their to start! Im looking to START.///
.
No Body Owes me anything.
.
If I wanted to learn how to play guitar and play in a band and play out in front of others; does someone owe me. Well; certainly I can bring up parents or family systems of the past that abandon me. I can bring up abusers and or swindlers who took advantage of me or sexual deviants; child molesters that I went through sexual abuse because of.
.
However; in the present after working through many things; Im confident with Gods help that I am slowly moving forward toward my goals and totally accepting no one else is involved accept God and who ever is in the present with me that God brings for developing down my pathways… So; I am preparing to go down some pathways; and the first thing I learn is; No one Owes me anything so; I have to became a Caveman of acceptance and Attitude toward these ventures. I have to walk them… So; I have to work through the past and become fully present to put boots on the ground down these pathways… They are my boots and my body that is in them. Ill be walking my own paths… So….
Im scared paranoid nervous; don’t feel very strong; feel clumsy and stupid and a whole lot of stuff and I can take all of that to God and just kind of get ready to start out… And I can feel the excitement of it; starting out. No one owes me Noth’n. Noth’n. !!
.
To prepare for things like this is all about the change of attitude that comes about from the pre work for something like this; It really forged my attitude into something like a Roman Soldier of old .
.
The idea of being Roman Soldier from the Gladiator days or Caveman… I mean; that brutal Positive attitude of looking at the best qualities of excitement concerning a thing; That is what Ive been heading toward or working toward. That is what all of this work has been about!
.
.
.
My Present Condition.
.
For a few years when young I was able to hide; Id say for about 4 years as a child; up to the age of 9. I kind of made my own dreams while I was being neglected. No one was looking out for my future. I was… of a certain point; but my schooling got thrown away or neglected…
.
At the age of 9; all things will change and a constant Mental break from reality; Mental breakdowns will be fused; Like one giant long roller coaster ride for most of my life. At its worst; Im not present anymore and I forget about everything and don’t participate in life anymore; I hide; thats all there is.
.
Now; with many many moons of work; All of this work amounts to one thing; Im getting stronger to deal with the outside world. Im becoming more interested in many things and being able to participate in them to at-least a beginning extent. And its all showing up or more importantly; The Pathways Im interested in are starting to materialize in my imagination at my level. They are becoming grounded or in front of me at my ground level; Or; Ive come down out of the clouds from much varied work to get me down to ground level again and suddenly those pathways are in front of me; or materializing in front of me.
.
These are Pathways for The Knight
These are Pathways for The Caveman on a Hunt.
I am becoming prepared for these; a much smarter Lad and better well equipped lad. I feel like I was a child; Now Im an older Teenager ready for an adventure… But its always more then an adventure; its my life we are talking about; so its much more serious then that…
.
But; I get to experience these opening of opening doors because Ive been lowly enough to be presented to them; and because I made it through all other tests and was successful. Now; Im being prepared for the Pathways that lie ahead of me.
I know they are protected and created by God; but what does that mean; I know the first 10 feet are protected; after that; I don’t know; I might be on my own even tho the concept was created by God and me. We shall see!
.
I still must get stronger and Im still to immature for things; However; Im showing signs of an interest in being part of society; an excitement about it; thus Im preparing and feel capable and prepared for it… Im feeling the confidence for positive outcomes.
.
However; Im no further then these Pathways…
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Instead of saying; Ill have to earn my way down and through these pathways. Instead of saying this and knowing this; and I already know this through God; Instead of saying that; I would say; Im becoming the frequency of all of what I will encounter down these pathways; So; the work is now! I must become now; what I hope to find or Desire. I will become it now; I will go through the hardship now. And I am and I have been.
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As a professor once told me in College; “ I HAVE TO PUT THE SWORD IN THE FIRE FOR IT TO GET HARDENED>
.

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So; Im already seeing a pre development down those pathways…
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Im still young at heart; to young; not developed yet in some areas… Ill talk to God about it. Im so very close…
.
My Main goals are WOMEN,. MONEY., CAR… Ill blindly be working with God on all of these…
.
These are areas that will teach me how to get Women, Money, and a car… on my own as I really am right now. I wont be representing anything else; only self; right now; as I am. Thats what I have to work with; thats what God has to work with. Amen.
.

MOTHER n FATHER….
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Im a bit numb… Im numb concerning my Mother and Father and maybe my Brothers and my big older brother who is not with us anymore… God Rest His soul. I never really knew him; at all. I wanted to as a boy; but I lived in a kind of parallel universe in my own world while he was living his… And they were never really joined. I didn’t know this; He did.
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So; Im feeling it; especially when Im coming back to reality; Im feeling it as reality starts to show up at my feet in front of me… Can my mind take it; I don’t know! I guess. Ill see.. I suppose it will be good enough for my Quests…
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I have three Quests; Women
I have three Quests; Money
I have three Quests; Car
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These are all pathways.
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My thoughts on these.
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Women; Im scared; Im scared to get to the end of a journey and deal with women more mature then I am and who might reject me
MONEY; Maybe It will be super hard for me to earn very little. I might be the stupid fool I always was or thought I was. Or the incompetent.
At this point in my life; Working toward money might be more about earning money for things and how that works out. Maybe more food or car insurance if I had a car or performing music equipment or Arts supplies; clothing maybe… Something like that.
Its possible that all the work will be spiritual and God will bring me all that really want. I will find out; the fear and terror of all of this.
.
CAR; What is exciting about this; Ill have to become a whole new person on this one. I can kind of see it; I can kind of see the car in my mind; the parts of it; the engine. This will be the first identity Ive seen surrounding the concept of “ REAL CAR”. Ill have to earn Myself. The most important first aspect of this is to become a Car Guy! Become that guy at the level of first Car, curious about having a car… And going forward with this into a realm in front of me that has been well rehearsed in my head and on the ground and in stories for my future. We will see; its all part of the journey ahead. However; I can tell; if I go deep enough In prayer and humility and become someone else; its possible for a whole new exiting adventure; a new me and a new environment that is beyond where Im at; I would be going through that wall through quantum leap and end up on the other side of the wall as a whole new person. I can see it.
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I can see it now; Im water on one side of the damn preparing to be dumped on the other side.
.

.
So; as I said; Money is for things I need; I don’t know how the universe is going to WORK THIS OUT. All I have to do is keep working with God on it.
.
For example;
Ill need money for; maintenance for car; for trips when I use the car, for gas, for car insurance for licensing. For taking care of my Women; and this is important… And God knows about all of this; So; Ill have to learn… God will show me. It starts by getting right sized. That means humble before Go to a point God can bring these things I need or want down my pathway… Ill let God figure them out.
But Ill learn to work at things… down my God pathways of my goals…
.
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I REMEMBER:
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I remember going to DVR when younger with my mental disability stuff. They handle state job offerings for people with disabilities…
After spending hours on tests and other things; I came back a week later for the results; wondering what I would be doing; He looked at me and said; “ Your to immature to have a job”. He was talking about my personality. I was smashing near the beginnings of middle age when I went in. I was stunned; I just sat their. My Therapist had said the same thing long before he did; said it independently; regardless of what the state said.
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Not allot of working room; when the even the state wont let me have any form of work because their legal findings suggest Im “ To Immature”. What-in-the-world does one do with that? I mean; I was just floored.
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Its been my goal to get in touch with God and do what ever it takes for several areas of my personality to come back to reality. I wanted to beat this thing; beat it enough to come back to reality at some levels; I wanted to come back to a point of some formal life; A wife; some money or house kids family; vacations occupations; hobbies… and so forth… I wanted to alteast have a shot at it; and be able to be useful and not useless.
.
Having a Wife; In this day n age; Money is a very important thing; And I have to work with God on that; I have to literally ask God for help when it comes to money if Im going to have a wife… And Ill do that. Ill write stories about having a wife and children and money to support them.
.
Its interesting; I never used to talk like this; never used to talk about having children; or the realities of having a wife.
Ill have to look into the legalities of having a wife. I guess I would like to have social romantic involvement with women and have kids but not the legal formats of marriage in this state… I and everyone else I guess. I don’t know; I get most of my attitude about this from watching channels on Utube. So… is it real or not; I don’t know..
.
I know what I want; I want the same things everyone else has or wants… My goals are in reality and several of them have played out or show a solid beginning from fantasy thinking to building foundations in reality and playing upon them. So; I know if that can happen; a wife is possible; if Im passable; being able to pass into life into culture and society; being inner connected.
.
As for money; Ill talk to God about it; God will have to bring me the money in this day n age to have a wife.
Im feeling it; its not about anyone else; its about me growing upward and developing into a person again. A mature enough person for a wife family and kids… Gads; and their it is; A house and a car. I will have to earn all of it one way or the other; so will continue to talk to God about it. Amen.
.
I have to believe first before it shows up. This is the goal.
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A wife is a goal; kids and a house and marriage are goals; I have to believe first. Same thing with a change off attitude for a car. Its really about my issues with no maturity; Thats where this starts and God helping me and me accepting my situation.. who I really am out in the world… accepting myself. Amen.
.
Ill work with God.
Its an idea; all of this. I have no idea how any of this would come about or is going to; However; I am the student God is the teacher. I follow God through my inner being and my Guidance system to the universe; internally built; ill start with that. God will bring the right people and places and things.
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Its a Quest for these things and I am a Knight!
.

.

The first state of maturity I get to; Simply being more present in reality; and God has made that happen; at-least in beginning real stages. I think Now; Im at-least at boy level maturity; maybe young boy level maturity. But somewhat showing signs of being a beat up person psychologically but present. Im starting to say hi to people again and Bye. That simple act is a much further maturity then I used to be; in fact; its me taking initiative first beyond the other person; its a kind of leadership position when I do that first.
.
I get it tho…
So; I have my goals. And Im working with God on them to come back out into society; Im damaged goods but Ill keep working with God; I Believe and that is what counts here. As I put out that high level frequency to the universe; and I believe; at some point things start to show up at that frequency.
.
.
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In General; Everything is working out perfect to what I imagined. I mean; its all running the course I would have wanted; within my recovery process under God. So; I have no complaints; God has made stuff happen; Hundreds and Hundreds of things…
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Numerous things continue to evolve coming from God to make me into the person that is ready and equal to what Im seeking or curious about in life. Amen.
.
.
SO; this is a serious adventure to save my life… to literally get to come back to reality and start over…
.
.
.
The social real me is coming back; Just enough hope and belief and confidence to come back with humility to try it one more time; to be part of things… and Im so appreciative…
.
I get another chance; and Im showing signs of wanting to be part of life and society. So; The pathways that open up in the areas God has for me out in the real world; they are happening; I mean they are present in front of me; Kind of like when open door’d Vortexes open up in a video game where I can walk through them into tunnels that lead me through a quantum leap onto another planet; another warp drive.. \.

.
God is with me; God is in control all of this… So; thats what I will be working on; Dissociation and Grief.
.
Its very hard. I never had a family around when it was time to have my first car. No mother or Father; nothing; no family; Nothing; that destroyed that dream and left me shock. Now I want something different.
Now I want to face all of this trauma surrounding cars. Its a matter of depth; it goes back into my childhood and beyond; So; theirs no development; so I must work with God to face the horrors in my young life that de centered me from facing forward concerning the procurement of real things; such as Women, money, and cars.
.
The car issue is a real issue and the kind of issue I can get my hands around… I can work on this; its like getting a shovel and digging a well. The well must be 150 feet deep; lets say. And I have is a shovel; better get working.
.
.
God was going to turn me into a cave man; because in all facets; Cavemen get what they want; they don’t live in the past; they don’t need to. They are well established within the Tribe; they are brutally strong; they Hunt Dinosaurs; they have women and children and they play rock guitar when they get home. And they get to paint on cave walls; On the down side; at times; they can be Cave-Drunks and Not Cavemen; but Im not seeking that; Ive had taste of that in my life; and hopefully Im well beyond it.
.
For me; I have to earn my women; learn how to navigate with God to get my money. Earn a great attitude about having a car and all that goes with it. Nothing is free for me but I have the right to pursue God and all that the Universe can give me to help me with this process of going deeper and accepting my reality the way it is. And learning to believe and getting to a point of going down God pathways for the things I want.
.
Its unfortunate; I had no one when I was young; nothing. I saw all these TV shows of kids with families and I thought I would be like that; with all of this help and support; I ended up destroyed forsaken forgotten and thrown away while still a boy.
.
So; Now; I relearn How to live under God from the ground up! And I mean from the very beginning ground… I mean at the bottom of the Totem Pole as they used to say when I was a kid.
.
I have several things going for me; However; one very important thing; My Attitude of Gratitude. I get to do this; I get this unbelievable chance to be young again and free… and do things over; Things I never did when actually young. I get to do it again free of charge. In the past the cost of the collection of resentments and hatred. Now; Im basically free of all of that; ALL OF THAT! Free indeed; Free Enough; really! And I mean that.
Now; Its a pleasure for me to start out with nothing because of what I DONT have… I don’t have a past. If I want something; I have to learn how to get it. I work under God and earn it. I learn how to have faith; I learn how to believe; I learn how to trust.
.
If I want Women Or Money Or Cars; I have to learn how to get it.
.
Anything; I have to learn how to get it; I don’t think anyone owes me. Instead I go to my Father in Heaven and I work with God on it; and God leads me to the right people and places and things and teachers and Guides and experts who already have what I want in life; and I learn from them how to do things. I don’t have to worry about the outcome; ofcourse I do think about it; but that is for God; all I have to be trained for is to show up and go down that pathway set up by God toward the thing I want.
.
I HAVE TO BE TEACHABLE. I am the student God is the Teacher. And thats how I roll; Im a novice at it; Im working on it everyday little by little to be the one who finally steps out to the STARTING LINE… Im very close I think; but not their yet. Its close. But I only get what I earn; so slow down and don’t kill myself over it; just keep silently patiently building; Ill get their; Ill get their to start! Im looking to START.///
.
No Body Owes me anything.
.
If I wanted to learn how to play guitar and play in a band and play out in front of others; does someone owe me. Well; certainly I can bring up parents or family systems of the past that abandon me. I can bring up abusers and or swindlers who took advantage of me or sexual deviants; child molesters that I went through sexual abuse because of.
.
When I spent most of my life dealing with the horror of my past; and I was locked in and consumed; No one was developing me on the outside; their was no one there. Thus I never grew. I wanted to grow when very young; No one grew me. I did try to develop basic things when young; when 5. Later; starting in first grade; No help; Nothing. I waited year after year for help; Nothing… later I would be destroyed. In most cases; Im sure that the way I was destroyed at age 9; any normal child would have hung themselves. What they did to me was deliberate to kill. They were murder’rs; No concious…
.
However; in the present after working through many things; Im confident with Gods help that I am slowly moving forward toward my goals and totally accepting no one else is involved accept God and who ever is in the present with me that God brings for helping the developmental process. Helping me developing down these pathways… So; I am preparing to go down some pathways; and the first thing I learn is; No one Owes me anything so; I have to became a Caveman of acceptance and Attitude toward these ventures. I have to walk them… So; I have to work through the past and become fully present to put boots on the ground down these pathways… They are my boots and my body that is in them. Ill be walking my own paths… So….
Im scared paranoid nervous; don’t feel very strong; feel clumsy and stupid and a whole lot of stuff and I can take all of that to God and just kind of get ready to start out… And I can feel the excitement of it; starting out. No one owes me Noth’n. Noth’n. !!
.
To prepare for things like this is all about the change of attitude that comes about from the pre work for something like this; It really forged my attitude into something like a Roman Soldier of old .
.
The idea of being Roman Soldier from the Gladiator days or Caveman… I mean; that brutal Positive attitude of looking at the best qualities of excitement concerning a thing; That is what Ive been heading toward or working toward. That is what all of this work has been about!
.
.
.
My Present Condition.
.
For a few years when young I was able to hide; Id say for about 4 years as a child; up to the age of 9. I kind of made my own dreams while I was being neglected. No one was looking out for my future. I was… of a certain point; but my schooling got thrown away or neglected…
.
At the age of 9; all things will change and a constant Mental break from reality; Mental breakdowns will be fused; Like one giant long roller coaster ride for most of my life. At its worst; Im not present anymore and I forget about everything and don’t participate in life anymore; I hide; thats all there is.
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Now; with many many moons of work; All of this work amounts to one thing; Im getting stronger to deal with the outside world. Im becoming more interested in many things and being able to participate in them to at-least a beginning extent. And its all showing up or more importantly; The Pathways Im interested in are starting to materialize in my imagination at my level. They are becoming grounded or in front of me at my ground level; Or; Ive come down out of the clouds from much varied work to get me down to ground level again and suddenly those pathways are in front of me; or materializing in front of me.
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These are Pathways for The Knight
These are Pathways for The Caveman on a Hunt.
I am becoming prepared for these; a much smarter Lad and better well equipped lad. I feel like I was a child; Now Im an older Teenager ready for an adventure… But its always more then an adventure; its my life we are talking about; so its much more serious then that…
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But; I get to experience these opening of opening doors because Ive been lowly enough to be presented to them; and because I made it through all other tests and was successful. Now; Im being prepared for the Pathways that lie ahead of me.
I know they are protected and created by God; but what does that mean; I know the first 10 feet are protected; after that; I don’t know; I might be on my own even tho the concept was created by God and me. We shall see!
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I still must get stronger and Im still to immature for things; However; Im showing signs of an interest in being part of society; an excitement about it; thus Im preparing and feel capable and prepared for it… Im feeling the confidence for positive outcomes.
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However; Im no further then these Pathways…
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Instead of saying; Ill have to earn my way down and through these pathways. Instead of saying this and knowing this; and I already know this through God; Instead of saying that; I would say; Im becoming the frequency of all of what I will encounter down these pathways; So; the work is now! I must become now; what I hope to find or Desire. I will become it now; I will go through the hardship now. And I am and I have been.
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As a professor once told me in College; “ I HAVE TO PUT THE SWORD IN THE FIRE FOR IT TO GET HARDENED>
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So; Im already seeing a pre development down those pathways…
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Im still young at heart; to young; not developed yet in some areas; any adult areas or teen areas actually… Ill talk to God about it. Im so very close tho to the pathways that God has set up; Im actually maybe in the front of them or in ward a few yards; 20 feet or something. Its like starting a video game; The game has started and Im in a hallway… And then I start…
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My Main goals are WOMEN,. MONEY., CAR… Ill blindly be working with God on all of these…
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These are areas that will teach me how to get Women, Money, and a car… on my own as I really am right now. I wont be representing anything else; only self; right now; as I am. Thats what I have to work with; thats what God has to work with. Amen.
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MOTHER n FATHER….
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Im a bit numb… Im numb concerning my Mother and Father and maybe my Brothers and my big older brother who is not with us anymore… God Rest His soul. I never really knew him; at all. I wanted to as a boy; but I lived in a kind of parallel universe in my own world while he was living his… And they were never really joined. I didn’t know this; He did.
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So; Im feeling it; especially when Im coming back to reality; Im feeling it as reality starts to show up at my feet in front of me… Can my mind take it; I don’t know! I guess. Ill see.. I suppose it will be good enough for my Quests…
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I have three Quests; Women
I have three Quests; Money
I have three Quests; Car
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These are all pathways.
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My thoughts on these.
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Women; Im scared; Im scared to get to the end of a journey and deal with women more mature then I am and who might reject me; Who will reject me. Who am I. Ill have to work with God on attracting the right people and being with the right crowd.
MONEY; Maybe It will be super hard for me to earn very little. I might be the stupid fool I always was or thought I was. Or the incompetent.
At this point in my life; Working toward money might be more about earning money for things and how that works out. Maybe more food or car insurance if I had a car or performing music equipment or Arts supplies; clothing maybe… Something like that.
Its possible that all the work will be spiritual and God will bring me all that really want. I will find out; the fear and terror of all of this.
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CAR; What is exciting about this; Ill have to become a whole new person on this one. I can kind of see it; I can kind of see the car in my mind; the parts of it; the engine. This will be the first identity Ive seen surrounding the concept of “ REAL CAR”. Ill have to earn it Myself; work with God. The most important first aspect of this is to become a Car Guy! Become that guy at the level of first Car, curious about having a car… And going forward with this into a realm in front of me that has been well rehearsed in my head and on the ground and in stories for my future. We will see; its all part of the journey ahead. However; I can tell; if I go deep enough In prayer and humility and become someone else; its possible for a whole new exiting adventure; a new me and a new environment that is beyond where Im at; I would be going through that wall through quantum leap and end up on the other side of the wall as a whole new person. I can see it.
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NOTE: Becoming a new person beyond the limitations; being transformed through the wall into another real as another person more advanced. And that is what I have to become; The old me must go… Or; I have to grow beyond the 5th- 6thth grade of maturity persona. In many cases; that personality has never grown beyond 5th grade…
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NOTE: I have allot of horrible damage beyond 5th grade with no protection.. Its like being taken into a meat grinder and destroyed. Over n over n over… until there is nothing left of me.
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I can see it now; Im water on one side of the damn preparing to be dumped on the other side.
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So; as I said; Money is for things I need; I don’t know how the universe is going to WORK THIS OUT. All I have to do is keep working with God on it.
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For example;
Ill need money for; maintenance for car; for trips when I use the car, for gas, for car insurance for licensing. For taking care of my Women; and this is important… And God knows about all of this; So; Ill have to learn… God will show me. It starts by getting right sized. That means humble before Go to a point God can bring these things I need or want down my pathway… Ill let God figure them out.
But Ill learn to work at things… down my God pathways of my goals…
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I REMEMBER:
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I remember going to DVR when younger with my mental disability stuff. They handle state job offerings for people with disabilities…
After spending hours on tests and other things; I came back a week later for the results; wondering what I would be doing; He looked at me and said; “ Your to immature to have a job”. He was talking about my personality. I was smashing near the beginnings of middle age when I went in. I was stunned; I just sat their. My Therapist had said the same thing long before he did; said it independently; regardless of what the state said.
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Not allot of working room; when the even the state wont let me have any form of work because their legal findings suggest Im “ To Immature”. What-in-the-world does one do with that? I mean; I was just floored.
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Its been my goal to get in touch with God and do what ever it takes for several areas of my personality to come back to reality. I wanted to beat this thing; beat it enough to come back to reality at some levels; I wanted to come back to a point of some formal life; A wife; some money or house kids family; vacations occupations; hobbies… and so forth… I wanted to alteast have a shot at it; and be able to be useful and not useless.
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Having a Wife; In this day n age; Money is a very important thing; And I have to work with God on that; I have to literally ask God for help when it comes to money if Im going to have a wife… And Ill do that. Ill write stories about having a wife and children and money to support them.
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Its interesting; I never used to talk like this; never used to talk about having children; or the realities of having a wife.
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NOTE: Its pressure; Im still a little kid inside; but the little kid is crying out for something. Altho Ive never experienced it.
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Ill have to look into the legalities of having a wife. I guess I would like to have social romantic involvement with women and have kids but not the legal formats of marriage in this state… I and everyone else I guess. I don’t know; I get most of my attitude about this from watching channels on Utube. So… is it real or not; I don’t know..
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I know what I want; I want the same things everyone else has or wants… My goals are in reality and several of them have played out or show a solid beginning from fantasy thinking to building foundations in reality and playing upon them. So; I know if that can happen; a wife is possible; if Im passable; being able to pass into life into culture and society; being inner connected.
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As for money; Ill talk to God about it; God will have to bring me the money in this day n age to have a wife.
Im feeling it; its not about anyone else; its about me growing upward and developing into a person again. A mature enough person for a wife family and kids… Gads; and their it is; A house and a car. I will have to earn all of it one way or the other; so will continue to talk to God about it. Amen.
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I have to believe first before it shows up. This is the goal.
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A wife is a goal; kids and a house and marriage are goals; I have to believe first. Same thing with a change off attitude for a car. Its really about my issues with no maturity; Thats where this starts and God helping me and me accepting my situation.. who I really am out in the world… accepting myself. Amen.
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Ill work with God.
Its an idea; all of this. I have no idea how any of this would come about or is going to; However; I am the student God is the teacher. I follow God through my inner being and my Guidance system to the universe; internally built; ill start with that. God will bring the right people and places and things.
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Its a Quest for these things and I am a Knight!
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The first state of maturity I get to; Simply being more present in reality; and God has made that happen; at-least in beginning real stages. I think Now; Im at-least at boy level maturity; maybe young boy level maturity. But somewhat showing signs of being a beat up person psychologically but present. Im starting to say hi to people again and Bye. That simple act is a much further maturity then I used to be; in fact; its me taking initiative first beyond the other person; its a kind of leadership position when I do that first.
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I believe…
I get it tho…
So; I have my goals. And Im working with God on them to come back out into society; Im damaged goods but Ill keep working with God; I Believe and that is what counts here. As I put out that high level frequency to the universe; and I believe; at some point things start to show up at that frequency.
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In General; Everything is working out perfect to what I imagined. I mean; its all running the course I would have wanted; within my recovery process under God. So; I have no complaints; God has made stuff happen; Hundreds and Hundreds of things…
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Numerous things continue to evolve coming from God to make me into the person that is ready and equal to what Im seeking or curious about in life. Amen.
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SO; this is a serious adventure to save my life… to literally get to come back to reality and start over…
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The social real me is coming back; Just enough hope and belief and confidence to come back with humility to try it one more time; to be part of things… and Im so appreciative…
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I get another chance; and Im showing signs of wanting to be part of life and society. So; The pathways that open up in the areas God has for me out in the real world; they are happening; I mean they are present in front of me; Kind of like when open door’d Vortexes open up in a video game where I can walk through them into tunnels that lead me through a quantum leap onto another planet; another warp drive.. \.

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God is with me; God is in control

In through the Vortex

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