July 2025
June 2025
NEW EVENTS;
Got up this late night; Got up and felt it. Havent felt this way since childhood; since I was a little kid; I was feeling the original me with secret independence. And Ive never felt this way before as an adult ever; but then Ive been destroyed the whole time.
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Now; under Gods sovereign state; Im actually feeling what Ive been working toward all of these years; Im feeling that connection with God and self; My real self; I becoming me again; in safe spaces; The inner child IS ME! And Im connected to God… And its our independence together… God is my Father and I am his son! Hallelujah; Amen.
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God is bringing me back; God is in the progress of bringing me back. Im showing signs of being brought back. Ive been brought back. The original me is here… Im showing signs of a stage I have not felt since childhood… Its the real me with some forms of independence..
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Im showing it around others… Im showing some expression and strength of choice around others. And Im feeling a sense of escape and safety into my apartment…
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Ive been thinking about cleaning up my apartment; and getting a new wardrobe… Ive not been willing to keep clothing clean; I would rather just throw them out.. but that just wont do… Ill have to learn how to take care of them; wash them.
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I have one job I don’t like; WASHING CLOTHS>……
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Im showing signs of being present again with no past… Its me; independent; as if I took control; control of the harnesses of the past and I rode that thing right into the present…
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The way Im interacting with others; its still weak and Im still broken; but another stronger me is coming out; an independent me.
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Im becoming what God wanted me to become; Just a guy having to work at his life; someone enthusiastic about living and no one owes me anything. But theirs must more; a secrete life with God; ran by God; under Gods care; and the magic and secret perks I get for doing so…
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NOTE: No one owes me anything; that is because Ive spent half a life time working on what they did to me.. and working it out; all the things others actually did owe me.
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Ive written thousands of pages on what has happened to me and what they did to me and Ive written many hundred 4th steps and other techinques; working out resentments using the 12 step groups sponsors and 12 steps on paper… Ive followed God; been on my knees to God grieving and pleading with God; years and years and years of it; and working with God and feeling safe with God and yelling at God for what God did to me or allowed to have happen to me; He wasnt there during my childhood; he skipped out; and I owe him nothing; but he owes me everything because he brought me here; So; Ive learned to talk to God about it and work with God.
Ive done a tremendous amount of work; years and years and years of it; to get to this point. Tremendously long time period having to work on the past; always hanging in there somehow…
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And God rewards me and allows me to awaken as myself again with that feeling that the past has slipped away. It no longer owns me; I own me and God owns me because I belong to God and God is protecting me; I am his and we are one together… God is my protector and my Father and My Mother. And I am being protected by the Star system that governs the universe; for they are live stars; they think and breath and they send signals to man kind and they have names; Jesus; God; Universe; Holy siritus and their Angel Army protectors of the Universe. They are the most ancient stars in the Universe; they are alive and the over seers of the universe… They are a group; and they are what we call God…
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The Holy Bible talks about them all the time. For example; The wise men by night and the shepherds fallowing a star… That star in the sky they are following is; JESUS!
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So; here I am kind of becoming myself again with my own independent life.
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In my apartment; after working with God and starting over; God has resurrected and is resurrecting all things Ive asked for from the past; God is resurrecting me. Ive gotten back my interests my hobbies and a system that I can start over from scratch and start right at the beginning learning how to use those hobbies and callings…
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For me; its like a jig saw puzzle on a table; its one piece at a time; I learn to put one piece together with another; its personal and private; it has nothing to do with the outside world… its private; my business; no one elses… my value at which I protect..
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Im learning how to start out with nothing; and learning to be present; one piece at a time; no one else is involved; non of their business; only me and God…
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So; Im taking back myself… Cant say it any better. And what surrounds me is my identity and Gods idea of me; my identity that he thought. I am a thought from God! I am becoming Gods thoughts. Thats why Im here… I was creating in Gods brain and I was created in Gods brain by God and by his brian; and I was created by Gods brain and life and heart… in gods imagination.
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And all of this because I wanted to be… I wanted it…
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And so here I am again… Im present again; Ive been resurrected.
ORIGINAL BLOG IVE BEEN WRITING ON DAYS BEFORE:
THE BLOG;
Starting over in the real world; going from Fantasy to reality for the first time since childhood. Or; for the first Time….
What is childhood; its a reality; but I started with ideas and fantasies and visions of the future; my future of what life would be like from a child's perspective.
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In my dissociated state; I did the same thing; Im now working from the Dissociated state into reality… And My O My is this something to deal with; its unbelievable to walk through the trauma or defensive walls back out into society and reality.
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The surfer guy; the 100 foot wave…
I watched that guy surf the largest wave in the world; saw him on the news and a friend told me about him.
How can I be that guy. How can I be a guy that focuses on what I liked to do by giving up everything else…
Well; I can feel the pain; I had no one; no parents; they stripped me of everything try to destroy my life and my life chances completely and dumped me as if they had never met me; ever’; and ever again…
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So; the trauma from that; OK; what do I do now! Thats what Im working on… thats what I want to work through; and if I keep at things in recovery the way Im recovering; I just might pull this off and find out how to get back out in life again… it seems Im heading that way; God is filling in the gaps; and Im watching and learning and hungry for answers…
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I have to bow down to God… and follow God….
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Its still hard for me to pick something…( like a hobby); Like guitar; practice it and do something with it. Its hard! I feel like a loser no matter what direction I go…
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NOTE: I think what is happening; Im slipping back into childhood and dissociation… I cant handle some specific level of traumas that have happened to me; Im still outside reality; so; I cant deal with that dissociation; I leave myself go back to childhood young child and stay their where Im being controlled; Then I come back…
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Ya know; Ill take it to God… Amen!
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Ill work with God on this… amen… I have to get in front of God and see what God has in mind for me… and work this out with God; Work with God to learn to get answers for directions… I can kind of see it; but I have allot of trauma to work through; Amen.
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Im starting to see where Im headed; Im headed in the direction of an example.
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I wrote about the young man; the surfer who cleared a 108 foot wave; Now famous….
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He seems to be independent…
His occupation was construction; and it looks like his life interest is surfing; an interview with a friend of his; said this man takes surfing very very seriously.
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When I heard this story of Interests and Hobbies and occupations of this person; I saw a young man with clear interests living in the present; and not living in the past. This is someone who has a job and a calling/ interest/ Hobby; Surfing.
And it payed of…..
The point is; hes independent; living his own life; doing his own thing out in the world. And thats where Im going. Im wanting to come back as well; live and independent life; I want to come back to myself; and live my own life again in the outside world and thats whats happening; thats whats happening here…
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I have allot of work to do here… And that work is heading toward my independence. Im not there yet; I feel like Im strong enough to not be as involved in 12 step groups; Ive grown out of them; But I have nothing established to replace them. Well; I know a few people. I do have a few outside sources or I wouldnt be talking about independence.
I am working on goals; Based on the Book; Think and Grow Rich… And LOA coaches on you-tube… Ive been at it for 11 years; since the beginning of 2014.
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However; its been in the last year my goals are becoming clearer and aligned with the universe…
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Wife; Possible family
Money
House
Car
Talents
Hobbies
Education
Occupation…
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These are the directions…
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Im not stupid; I know its 2025 and the dating world with people is flipped upside down; the political state of things right now and money state; economic situations are flipped thrice upside down. However; Ill work with God on these things… I have hope under Gods sovereign state.
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Most of my work is in my imagination…
I imagine my (desire ) first and learn to believe Ive already got it; this is hard work. The idea is; it will materialize and grow in my imagination until Im sure I know what I want and Im fully committed and willing to go after it. Or attract it.
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I understand that what Im looking for is a bit higher up on the social scale then before…
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Ill keep working with the universe……
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I still need to go to meetings work things out….
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Its really not a safe place for me; stalkers and such…
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So the faster I can get better; the better.
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the problem is; I don’t have an outside life; it just doesn’t exist…
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Ill pray about what to do here…
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What Im looking for is to simply come back to myself where there is no need to go to meetings anymore… where Im self contained and OK with myself… And just out here in the real world like everyone else….
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Not there yet; we will see…
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SO to sum this up.
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I can see myself back inline with myself; no need to go to 12 step meetings all the time…
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However; in the real world; Other then the meetings; I have no real reason to be in this town. I have nothing here; no connections…
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So; I would just be hanging out here for no reason.
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This creates a whole other set of problems… I havent developed anything in life…
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Ive sought recovery in the 12 step meetings.
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SO; to move on from the 12 step groups…
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TO have a new life out in the real world…
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This means I heal up inside…
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Thats what this means….
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And I go my own way; its like retiring from the 12 step groups and moving back out into the real world…
Thats kind of what this is about; its what Im working on doing… Amen! God willing…
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Can I love; Yes! I can.
I can unconditionally love all the wrong PEOPLE! And end up completely destroyed… Ive done it before.
I never had a mother; there was no one to ask if this girl or that was the right person; and how to tell. And that is very important so I don’t get stuck with the wrong people; because the wrong people can be master manipulators. Con artists; Frauds… And they may be good at it; and it will take me to finally find out they are manipulating me and not authentic; by that time its to late; And thats what I needed a mother for; to help me understand who I am and who is safe and how I would know; and who is not!
But I never had one… So don’t know ….
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So ; I know I can love.
I know if I go through a higher power; A higher power will manifest good people toward me and for me…
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A secret society of women set up for me by God;
I may need much advice from a number of women who are good women… Ill talk to God about. Nothing would be better then to have a whole lot of GOOD women to talk to about women… and what to look for in a nice women… Someone safe… Someone who believes in God… Someone under Gods sovereign state. Someone wearing the same badge shoulder colors Im wearing.
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interesting that this topic now comes up; Because;
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Do I love again in life… do I feel again; I can; I don’t want to get slaughtered again.
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Working with God in Gods sovereign state; I have messages from God; God is helping me as I pray on my knees and look up to God;
Im getting something; Im getting somewhere; when it comes to women. God has taken over; and God is helping me with women! My problems with women; God has taken over and is in control of my learning about women and from women and the right group or league of women that is right for me; my tribe of women women that fit me; but they are all from God. Is this what Im trying to say. They are all God they are from God; they are from God sent to me; they are from God sent to me to minister to me about other women…
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Meeting the right group of women from God; and marry one of them. They will be nice authentic under God; and they will help me; They will point out what to look for in a nice women; ill just pic one of them… It makes sense. They will instruct me the way a carry loving mother would instruct me.. and I will learn from them; I will learn from them gladly…
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So Ill have to pray about this one… nice women! Being around nice women; attracting nice women; This league of women that will help me…
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LOVING SOMEONE SOUNDS FRIGHTENING
Im feeling very scared and intimidated and frightened when I think of the idea of loving someone or something;
Loving something can get me killed… tortured raped and destroyed…. Murdered with out remedy… over n over n over…
the paranoid fright of it;
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On to better things;
God will send me 200 Quaker girls ( this is guy talk meaning Women) to chose from; to work with… and they will work with me like they were my mothers; They will be speaking to me as if its information from God directly concerning women; God will instruct them; and then Ill chose one of them after understand women… and what Im looking for in a good women. They will teach me what to look for in a safe good women and what not to look for and who to stay away from.. They will treat me like mothers who are looking after their precious son and his future; and all of this under God. And then at that point; Ill end up deciding to marry someone from their group… Ill marry someone from that group. The Quaker girls will nurture me; instruct me; bring me up; Mother me; advize me and advize me about other women; And when Im ready to find a wife; ill stay in that group and pic one of them. God sanctioned.
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And I will work with God and pray to God to become that person that is ready for them. God will make me into what that women is looking for… So; this should become interesting. Ill keep working with God on this; amen… Ill work with God on this the whole time; Amen.
Our partner
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