July 2025
June 2025
In the 12 step groups; or system; the first step is; Im powerless over___________________! And its made my life unmanageable., Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
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These are the 2 first steps Im working on. My problem is codependency at this moment.
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Ive wrote much about friends and women I loved only to turn out to be strangers that got rid of me or laughed in my face and could care less if they ever saw me again; what happened.
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Well; what happened. Its best to look at those people and who they really are and why in the world I would have associated with. And when I write this. " And why I in the world would have associated with them"; thats the problem.
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Im insane. Im finding out or responding to people that are little better then monsters; they have very little friends; horribly shallow and use others for what they want; they have no values; not like mine; Im a human being; These are the last type of people I should ever be around. But I didnt care about that. I thought I could opportunize myself into anything. I was safe; I could make it; and walk through any problems; But thats not what happened. That was delusional. Im not who I Think I am with others. I know my worth; but others see no worth.
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Its like thinking Im a God to women; all women; when they dont find me attractive; its the same kind of thing. The fact is; Ill be attracted to someone; or some type of women; but not all of them at once. However, when I was young; I did attract women.... But I never attracted them for the right reasons., This means I attracted them physically but I was not looking for someone I was attracted to; and that was the problem.
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Shallow people do not value me or like me; they laugh at me; make fun of me and spit in my face; In fact; I find the whole affair completely horrifying; It means I may be a quality person but others dont care if Im dead or alive... They see no purpose with me... They see no valuing me; nothing in it for them...
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So; Im tired of being around people that dont value me.
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Thus; the first thing I have to do is look to the past and fix or correct problem and or false relationships I conjured up that never panned out to be what I hoped they would be.
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I created an idea of what I wanted and projected that onto others.
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Just today; I saw a women at the meetings. She up next to me and I said loudly her name and hello! because I wanted to and needed to; I got no response; I was completely ignored. She used to like me years ago; but I was not able to function because of PTSDS.. Dissociation disorder. I was completely ignored; its another way of being laughed at; but who was really laughing at me; I mean; she used to like me so.... What does this mean. Well; knowing her background; I would say shes a sociopath. And now looking at it; she had glasses on; theirs a good chance she was drunk or very few days without it; or I have no more importance in her life.
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I have to remember; its attraction not promotion. If I never attract someone; let them be! Stay away from them; if they want me bad enough; they will show up. This person did not want a relationship with me of any kind in the last several years... Why did I think she would respond to me today? and why did I think she was any different they she used to be. And why would I project any kind of positive light on to her when she is no different then she used to be.
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ITs almost as if Im attracted to my mother and father in someone; a women; because I could not get their love so I have to work at it. So; I find sociopaths and try to change them. I project that their nice people underneath and they need me; they need my love. In reality; They are not even human beings; they are monsters; these people Im getting close to and they are not trying to get close to me. I don't exist to them and I take that personally and Im hurt by it feeling dejected. in reality; they have no idea who I am and could careless; so why would I try to find someone out like that to get close to... Well; I think ive got it going on. But in reality; Im trying to change them into what I want... And when I find out they wont play that game with me; Im mad; but wait; something else is goin on here; something much worse; they are sociopaths and really dont care about me as a human being... And they are not the types to play with or get involved with.
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So; why am I going after the wrong people to associate with; Thats the second step in the 12 step system; Insanity. And that is what im now working on. I feel fairly Good about it. The work Im starting.
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As for women; ive met allot of women who've liked me; meaning; being attracted to me. Ive noticed something; if they dont have my values they dont see any worth; they just see weakness. If Im around someone that does see my values; or appreciates them; they've also got to see my physical interest in me; they have to be physically attracted to me or their not interested.
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Am I attracted to them. or is it my ego that is attracted to them and lust.
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Ill have to do the work to attract the right kind of personalty; And Ill have to work with God on that.
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Why would I expect a ruthless sociopath to be nice to me; follow boundaries set up by society and treat me with respect at any level; and not harass me as a weakling.. if they thought they could get away with it; they will; So; why would I associate with them; thats the real question in my life. I feel a sense of control if I can harness them and control them. is their another way? That's what Im trying to find out.
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Looking back at bad relationships with others or trying to project what I need on strangers; and failing very quickly and being pointed out as an impostor laughed at and humiliated; not appreciated nor my values; Looking at those people; I was lashing out my anger at them through passive aggression. I was attacking them but couldnt back it up; had resentments against those kind of people. never worked to get back at them... I always got swamped.
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Whats making me go toward these people and find them attractive enough people to associate with; first; and most horrible; I feel safe! My God! what happened here; Im suppose to feel unsafe... And thats the lust; that feeling of excitement; taking chances with bad people. Im cool; look how I go in n out with them... But I forget that this is not a movie; these are real destroyers of people with no conscious; they are not playing games.
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Sol. Im around a women that used to find me attractive and want my attention when younger and now does not want my attention anymore; does not find me attractive anymore... And so Im mad about it and want her attention; I want to go back like before. Im better now and I want her; but suddenly she does not want me; she sees me with contempt and just laughs me off or worse; completely has no respect for me.
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OK; so what really happened. A SOCIOPATH found me attractive when I was young and does not find me attractive anymore and wont give me attention. She never respected me when younger unless she thought I was a sociopath and criminal or street tuff.
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None of my values has any attraction to her; but she may have saw her anti values in me; more criminal nature and that excited her. Now that she sees Im more human now she has no interest in me and now that Im older; no physical interest in me. Should I care! Well! the physical lack of interest bugs me to know end; I mean; its my ego on the line and Im getting slammed so I want to go back up to her and act masculine; but it doesnt work; she has absolutely no interest in me; nothing.
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However, I keep thinking that my personality has no interest to her never did. You would think she might like me enough to talk to me; Nope; nothing! Is it all about me; NO! The problem is; I cant win with this kind of person; Im not in her league; and I never will be. What if I clean up; lose weight and approach her differently; well; maybe. Its like playing cards at a casino; Im gambling...
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do I want all my friendships based on gambling.
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I thought my friendships when young where based on who I was. Im a great deep sensitive person and a whole lot more then that; and all that value attracted other to me. But in reality; I never attracted anyone; I went to them. And I seem to forget that part.
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The idea is; feel good about myself; value myself to a point of only associating with those that value me according to my real values.
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Note; I just saw; flashed when I was being sexually abused; the house; the feelings; the backyard and steps... all very dissociated.
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I have a tendency to take the physical looks of others or their body language and turn it into meaning something. She is my best friend; I can tell by the way she moves; the way she flirts with me. But I forget; she didnt flirt with me; I showed up around her and flirted with her. She did not see me and want me or try to come after me. And I took that as; She is dysfunctional; she needs my help. And thus I fall in love with her. In reality; she never needed my help; she is fine. She is fine with out me.
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She is fine with out me. I want to badly to run over to her and tell her this is wrong; shes got to have me in her life is she is to live.
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I know a women a few years ago that liked me. I ignored her; I was sending a message to her; " Change your behavior or get away from me"; that was the message; Did she get my message; YES! She knew what I was talking about but didnt care. later; she ends up dating an extremely evil person right in front of me. no remorse toward me; nothing. I was horrified.
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if she came up to me now; where Im at now and wanted to talk about it and fix it; I might listen. But not after who she dated and the way she acted in front of me; never happen; But Im trying to make a point. If she came up to me now; I might consider something if she was willing to listen and change. Heres the deal; it will never happen. She will never be back; she has and already was taking interest in other guys even tho she appeared to have a deeper more girl like innocent liking for me.... a deeper more authentic..... She doesnt care; she will see that off for a smile by some other gent; because she is corrupt and has no values... I could say she has no discernment for right or wrong but the truth is; she does; but simply doesnt give a damn.
the last time I saw her I was angry and wanted nothing to do with her; she got the message kind of. In the end she really didnt care because she never cared in the first place.
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The problem with the above paragraph is; why am I waisting my time with people like this and not going out and find nice people to date..
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