July 2025
June 2025
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I'm having a hard time. I feel so alone. I feel so without any personal power in the world. I feel like a recluse who can only sleep. I cant do anything else and cant do anything in the outside world; nothing.
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I was a bit shocked when I read that a few people I read about on a music site haven't performed live for 20 years. I thought; Why haven't they? Thats me; same thing. I guess I'm not the only one.
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One guy said he was not willing to have his equipment destroyed playing live because of the people listening.
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So; this is catching me by Suprise.
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I'm sure what I want accept for this insecurity to go away. I'm not sure what God is doing.
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I'm not sure who to know or who to ever talk to if anyone.
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I'm not sure what to do with any talents of interest. I feel they will be trampled under my feet and I torn to pieces.
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The less people know about me the better. I wish I had a life; I'm stuck. And I'm trying to look at that place where I'm stuck and what to do about it but I'm getting overwhelmed. I'm not sure why the universe is not helping me. I don't get it.
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I feel like I can sleep and that is all.
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As for music; I have to learn how to memorize and have things finished or I really don't have anything.
An audience would have been nice; but I have no clue. I really don't feel comfortable dealing with an audience. I don't like being around people because I don't have any personal power around them. No one is interested in knowing me as a person; no one; Nothing! Zero....
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The Bible lied. Or maybe it didn't. Maybe Im not dealing with anyone with any biblical understanding or care; nothing. God is dead to allot of people; he never existed for them; and they don't care; they think they are Gods. Not me; I worship a God. I do this for survival purposes. I seem to do much better alone with GOd then ever around any people. THe only people I ever trusted; I was very young and they were monsters and I never knew until it was 2 late and I never met anyone else I was ever interested in taking a chance with.
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Im not sure why I dont have prosperity and success. I still dont have a car; I ride a bike or others pick me up to go to 12 step meetings; I have no other life. Thats it; thats life.
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As for women; They haven't been in my life for most or all of my life; I saw pictures of them or saw them on television shows when; they've never been in my life; nothing. accept the horrible people I dated or what ever one would call it when I was young. Just horrible people.
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I was destroyed for the last time by the time I was 14 by dealing with women. So; most of my life there is no women and never has been; they are unsafe... and never will be. Ill stay safe. They pull you down to death.
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I'm a decent person; means nothing to women
I believe in God and I'm on my knees like a Muslim praying to God all the time. Its for my survival. I'm not a Muslim. I've seen women simply hate me for it. Makes them sick! And this just goes on n on; this continual hatred for people like me. THey seem to think Im a weakling. Very interesting.
I have no respect from women. I do not respect or not respect women; I feel they are unsafe to associate with; Fear is a much better word. They cant be trusted with anything; Its impossible to bring them around decent people.
If I have anything wrong with me or I'm beat down; I will be spit on by them. They hate everything I stand for because it puts them in there place. The truth puts them in there place; GOD puts them in there place. That is just my opinion. I do nto spend any time around women; only at some 12 step meetings where I dont get along with them most of the time. I stay away from them accept the narcissists that want to fight with me and try and control everyone at the tables.
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I wanted women in my life; but being a nice guy or caring about them or having them as a genuine friend; means nothing to them. Money and thuggery;' that's what means something to them; and that makes me sick! And that makes God even sicker.. However; I understand; women just wan to survive; they want a man that can protect them on the streets and they want someone with large money bags; I get it. Im not stupid; in a sense I want the same thing. But they are completely non human and heartless. And that does not attract me. And I was never anyone they were looking for.
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I'm a decent respectable person; has no value to women; any of them. I attract nothing; I attract no one. I've wanted to stay away from women all of my life; after what I went through when young; I want nothing to do with them; they make me sick to my stomach. I want to survive; it cant be done with women involved. ITs Death to associate with women. THey pull every living thing downward to death. THey kill what ever they get involved with. ANd they are home wreckers; THey destroy families as easy as a wave from the ocean destroys a bright sandy beach.
I've had some people tell me I'm unique; Well; I don't think so. The smarter the person; the clearer they seem to be as to think in similar frequencies as I do.
Women to me are un Godly. THey are the opposite of God; and Im not alone on this. However; my only interest is survival and they pull people down to death. I don't want to die so I dont want anything to with them; I haven't wanted anything to do with women for most of my life since childhood after what I've seen over n over n over. I want nothing to do with them. ANd I feel fine saying that; they are unsafe. It may be that they hook up with sociopathic villains from the jails or those with large bank accounts.
Are safe and if they are nice; Well; No! Not anymore... Lawless group of people. To me they are criminal and show no laws they live by; nothing. Unsafe. And I don't care all that much about them to even think along these terms. IVe tried to give some of them a chance; it got nowhere. They have no discernment for right or wrong. My values had no interest for them.
I've never been married; no one to marry. I've never attracted anyone to marry. No one has ever had the slightest interest in me. Its as if I'm a ghost who was never born. I've certainly never met anyone who was interested in the inside of me; my personality or my soul or freindship nothing!
I guess I'm not the only one. Both men and women feel as I do... and have never married.
Many of the men I've talked to never married women from the United States; they found women from other countries; refused to associate with any women from this place claiming the women did not have the same value system. THey married foreign women; and suggested there marriages worked simply because they had the same value system. Hypergamy is the other problem; They are always looking for someone better after they get Bored; ADJECTIVE
feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one's current activity.
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THey look for someone else with more money. Who in there right mind if one is half intelligent wants to associated with people like this; I don't; I cant. I have nothing to offer. And I wouldn't offer it regardless. Not ever! not like this. Maybe in another life. And I see God never bringing anyone around me. I'm never attracting anyone. If I saw a women dating a thug or sociopath psychopath and then has an interest in me; no way! Ill never associated with her again. Its not possible for someone to associate themselves with a psychopath for months; sleeping with them or conversating with them; Its impossible unless she is like who she is dating. I will not get near these people. I want nothing to do with them.
So; I work with God.
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Life is a lonely hard place; Loneliness drives me on to go to 12 step meetings and look for answers for my life; I work with God.
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I just want to be safe; I want to prosper and I want nice people around me; decent people. I'm for ever trying to understand.
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Music;
The thought for music is; people these days make vids of there performances but rarely perform live. Thats the feeling I get. I don't know if its true. Either way; they must know there music material.
I was getting a thought; put a live performance on YouTube like everyone else. Maybe that's the way things are done now. I don't want to go outside with anything valuable. I just don't. I don't want what's valuable trampled under my feet and tearing me to pieces.
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I'm not sure why I haven't moved forward with my life more then I have. Signs have shown changes tho.
However, I don't know who to know or how. I just don't know.
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Working with God for change; Ill keep working with God. Ill keep getting in touch with God meditation on what im suppose to do with my life; There has been changes. Im just looking for freedom.
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Im looking for my purpose in life; to do something; anything... some how taking chances. moving forward. some how; in what direction. Nothing ever appears to be safe to me. So; Ill work on those lanes with Gods help to learn how to make them safe... Ill have to imagine they are safe lanes. I dont know.
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A lot of work has to go into creating in my imagination lanes that are safe to go from one place to another.
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I am definitely stuck in my apartment with agoraphobia.
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My back and coughing are better tho; THank God.
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I shy away from the world and the people in it; yet; I still want a life of some kind. Ill have to work with God on where I fit into this world.
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