July 2025
June 2025
FIRST LOVE:
Basically woke up; Universe sending information to me letting me know; First-Love did not want to be friends with me; She was not a friend of mine. What can I say. I mean; it ends there… Im out of luck; You win some you loose some! Life’s a risky business.
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Something else that was made clear by the Universe voicing through the center of me after my sleeping meditation; She may never have been thinking about me at all; even when I was present around her; the few times I showed up in her space; She simply had no intent or interest in that direction because she was not the kind of person to be triggered to think in those terms; She was not into me; had no interest in me; She already had a life and goals and interests and many many options for dating or for a future husband. When will I get it through my head; Ill have to do the work; I was not her pick. She was not interested in me. Sorry! I had no business around her falling for anything; God certainly didn't pick her for me.
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I don’t think she needed friends like I did nor was she sensitive like I was; nothing; I was much more human; human being.
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I thought well; My claim to fame is helping her find God and showing her love; Ill love her into a position of appreciating me for loving her and caring about her. However; I made a mistake; it never occurred to me their was nothing wrong with her life; She didn’t need me to introduce her to God or to love her. IF she wanted love; shell find it someone else with someone at the time; much better looking and much taller and more successful and popular.
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I was not initially invited onto her property correctly; She never invited me.
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I thought she was their to help me develop and I would help her develop; Well; I made a big mistake; She was not from a poor family; she didn’t need any developing. What ever or how ever her parents were neglecting her; she didn’t seem to mind; she was still very popular and very good in school and very attractive. She had a great future ahead of her. She did not need me nor to help me. She was not there to develop me; I don’t see Sunny Jesus telling her to develop me! I see her acting like Jesus told her to help me; but it was an act; a pathological act she didn’t care about…
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Looking back; I had absolutely nothing to bring to her table. I was not suppose to bring anything to her table. If I had seen her at a function of some kind; she would have ignored me. I mean she would have never come up to me to see what I was doing; she wouldn't have cared; she saw nothing in me and no value in me. However; if I wanted people to see me; I would have had to have Gotten with God and gone down a God pathway and grown; God would have taken me down a new pathway… And I would have grown and developed… I would be under Gods care… amen… So; NOW! Im learning about that and how to do that to become someone that can stand on their own 2 feet. The hard part is is the denial and delusion that I had something going on with this person when I did not. I was suppose to be with God on a God Pathway developing and after developing enough; God would bring safety to me. And thats what counts here. Amen…
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The universe made it clear; if she was neglected and needed a boyfriend that her and her boyfriend join up where its her and her boyfriend against the world; Maybe she did need that experience and maybe she did need to be loved; But he universe made it clear; if she needed all of those experiences and with the help of a significant other; I wasn't going to be me.
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This person had little to no appreciation for me.
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I still help out hope she would be someone that needed me. I was wrong; she did not need me.
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She was looking for a “ Chad” or “ Tyrone”; 6’3 tall super good looking guy like a movie star; That was all she was looking for; just like any of the other popular girls..
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I thought I had found a friend; I was wrong; she was just going along with it; I would always end up at her house. So; she had to do no work. It was easy to entertain me for an hour until I left. She smiled; was polite and friendly; and that was that. She did not respect me or want to be my friend; had no desire to know me; no desire for my friendship; Nothing. Unfortunately I did not know this; and I actually thought I was getting somewhere when I wasnt. And this will go on for a long time. When I got fed up; I would leave and come back at a later date and start over; I was always surprised when she opened the door to me when I would come back; I thought it another sign she liked me; in fact it all started because she was allowing signs in her behavior that she liked me. Unfortunately she was just be friendly and cordial as a good host; nothing more. Could I say she was leading me on; sure; but whats the point; Does it matter. She was not my friend; just friendly and that friendliness was convenient and fake for the hour I spent with her that day.
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I was looking for a girlfriend; She may have been looking for a boyfriend at the same time I was looking for a girlfriend and or she may have actually had a boyfriend while I was looking for a girlfriend. However; she was not looking for me.
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And she would or could have continued to allow me to show up at her door for as long as she wanted to regardless; because; it all meant nothing to here… And at some point she will not allow it to happen anymore; she will simply tell me no! She doesn’t want to spend any time with me. She looked down on me and saw nothing.
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And what I didn’t understand; She was not my friend and would never want to be friends with me or associated with me. And I did not know she did not want to be friends with me; If I knew that; I would have never spent any time around her; I would have left immediately.
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Was I working with the universe at that time; NO! Did I pray all the time at that time and talk to God; NO!
Was I working with God to find a girlfriend at that time; Well; maybe in feeling but not active prayer and meditation and on my knees praying nor writing new stories of find someone with Gods help under God…
I wanted a nice girl; the kind of girl that is under God! Well I learned a horrible lesson; I was trying to vette girls out of my league… Im from the bowling league; these girls I was trying to become friends with where from the Ivy league.
I was looking for girlfriends on the football field and stadium. Meaning; popular girls; rich girls; well to do pretty girls above average in looks; cheerleaders and so on. I didn’t see a difference in those girls and any other girls; I didn’t understand social caste system in my country. I didn’t realize these type of girls are Hypergamy based from the beginning. They have thousands of options and in my experience they are entitled spoiled people; almost pathological; above the laws of the land and Gods laws… They are unethical and immorally corrupted. Morals and ethics valued watered down to the point of debased states with no questioning of their own behavior. They feel they can get away with anything they want; and their new partners and friends are people who think the same. I certainly never changed anyone.
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I think people like this were playing me when I asked to be friends with them and hang out with them; they allowed with secretly with no intention of knowing me any further.
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They had no value for me; nothing.
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it may have been a power grab for them to lead me as long as possible. In the end I was more like a ghost they felt nothing toward; I could leave any time I wanted and don’t come back; They could care less. They could care less that I met them; or how I felt about them; that didn’t matter either because they never saw me eat their level of success…
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So; again; the main problem; This person was not my friend and never wanted to be… and will never be… ever! And that ends that…
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Broken heart; At this point; Maybe! Maybe not!
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With all the work Ive done on this situation; my heart is a little torn up still but not that much. Ive got God and a whole new life developing…
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I originally wanted people to help me grow up and develop; I thought we were all the same; people of my age group at that time and the rest of the world; I thought we were all having to go find outside people to help us grow up; Thats not what I found; I found the wrong group of entitled people to associate with.
Was it their fault; NO! Technically; I went to them. Was this girl the first person I did this with; trying to get help from entitled people; NO! Strangely enough; I had several people starting when young that I found that I felt were of my equal. In reality; the equality I was speaking or thinking of had to do with my personal potential and my humanity quality. However; what I didn’t know; these people I befriended did not care about such things; they looked respectable on the outside but they were not respectable to the common man on the inside. Nothing could be further from the truth; and I made very big mistakes; several of them socially over n over n over; I did not understand what was going on out in life…
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GOD; FAMILY
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So; The original family I came from; nothing there. So Im desperate to reach out to anyone that might come along. I have no idea who that would be accept maybe the new friends I meet; who knows who they are; Ill try them…
So one day someone offered me a ride to somewhere; and within that place I met some people and that including this girl. The one I will later call First Love. So I believed that she would be a nice girl and helper. She would help me. I did not at all consider the worst possible situation where I would get used by someone; I never thought about it. But absolutely the worst possible situations occurred. I was used. And I thought she would automatically want to be my friend; who wouldn't. Turns out she wouldn't. And she didn’t. And she used me; I got used; I simply was not expecting it. When I say I wasnt expecting it; I mean it it; I was not expecting anything negative. What I failed to understand. I did not know the environment. I was innocent. I did not know this person or their family… I did not check with others on who these people were. I didn’t even think I needed to; I just took it for granted and thus I was completely destroyed by being set up and strung along as if I had a friend or was making a friend. This person was not my friend. I was being played at the friendship; basic level; a level most decent people don’t unethically play people. And I didn’t want to know; I actually only wanted to believe. Believe I was being taken care of and that I had success here; meeting new people and new connections.
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Unfortunately; it was the opposite of safe and sane and normal… I did not have success; I was defeated and didn’t even know… It was like being on a boat with a friend; who secretly had pulled the plugs out on the bottom of the boat to sink it; smiling the whole time; covering it up the whole time… covering that anything was wrong… No sign of it; Suddenly The girls gone and the boat is sinking and I don’t understand anything of what is happening; I have no clue. And I will sink with the boat and drown… Altho Im found; Im for ever seriously damaged. For the girl; its a laughable game… And thats all it was; nothing more… She simply found a free nameless victim to play games with…
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Today Im a little more accepting of what happened; Im more grateful to get out of that in one piece…
It seriously destroyed my self esteem with women for ever more.
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I am and always seem to be scared to death Im meeting some women that turns out to be a psychopath or sociopath or spoiled entitled with no conscious or a pathological liar; someone with no remorse… No human empathy; nothing.
And I remember all these traits of this person but I was not listening.
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I found myself month after month in the beginning around this person but I found I could never leave. Trauma had already destroyed me from the past. And I could handle the rejection of others leaving. It was to much on me.
What I didn’t understand; this person was never with me in heart and mind. I meant nothing to them; they were a pathological liar and 2 faced/ sadistic. They had no problem leading people on into a ditch and leaving their…
I had no idea I didn’t have a friend. I thought I was doing very well creating a friendship with this person; I wasnt. No friendship; this person lied. IT was all game…
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SO;
Here I am now.. years later, after doing much work on this subject where finally with Gods help I get to the final last sections of it; of getting over it; And what does God fi9nally tell me; God whispers that she was not my friend. She didn’t want my friendship; at all! So; she was not my friend from the start. She was never my friend ever. And never will be in this life…
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So; I was being fooled the whole time. And God kind of let me know; obviously the conclusion of this will be that no relationship would or ever could be part of this with this specific person.
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I must remember as Ive mentioned; She was Godless; so; expecting God decency from this person or kindness is ridiculous. Expecting anything spiritually was ridiculous…
My only reason or purpose was to love her, to help her.! What I failed to see; she was a fake; staging this whole act; their was nothing wrong with her; she was just play acting acting me when I showed up at her home. She never showed the real person or real colors. And for reason I never questioned that she my not be trustworthy or safe; Unbelievable that I did not! And that kind of deranged delusional thinking will end up getting me destroyed.
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The different today relative to when I associated with that person. Whats different about my attitude today…
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1. I don’t blame the other person for being a bad person or evil; or criminal. I blame myself; period. I only want to know my side of it so I can strengthen and learn how to deal with situations like this from the start so; any new situation like this past one with this girl can be neutralized and I can get out of there quickly in one piece.
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Im not into blaming someone else; I only want to know about my side of the street; cleaning my house up… Learning how to take responsibility for my side of things.
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As Ive mentioned; theirs a good chance this person never even knew my name; in a sense; Never thought about once.
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For example; If someone where to steal from a big department store; That big store in town that gets all the business…
Would the thieves remember the clerks they stole from at the store. Meaning the clerks working at the store… Would the thieves remember them or care; No! They would have no value to the thieves… I mean; they are just menial clerks at a store to the thief…
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For example; If a thief walked into a bank or a big business and robbed the place; planned robbery; would they care about the people in the bank.. NOT Instead they would get the money from the clerks and say goodbye.. And that would be that. Well; thats what kind of happened to me emotionally.
And in the end working with God; God has made it clear as I get better; Its time to start separating from the past and start a new life. And thats what Im doing.
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TODAY:
Its about accepting a bit of the feeling of loss about the whole thing but realizing my faith in God was tested but not taken away. It doesn’t have to be a great loss in my life; instead I can look at it as a correction. I needed to go down a God Pathway with God in charge; I working hand n hand with God co creating my new life…
What does this mean? IT means; to work down God Pathway with God; aligned with God; and practice down that pathway; walk that path back in forth strengthening my faith and alignment with God. Keep strengthening it Keep strengthening it until Im ready; Im strong enough to be down the path to the other side where I meet new people and places and things; but this time under the direction and care of higher power; Universe, Gods, Holy ones ( I know what that means)( Jesus and Holy spiritus); God
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The walk way; God Pathway; if I had been on a God Pathway; and followed God pathway in the beginning; non of this would have ever happened because I would have never met this awful sociopathic person… or personality; Anti social personality. And one must remember; she did not find me attractive… So ; No good is going to come of all this. Im going to be dumped and not have a clue as to what was going on from the beginning.
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Corrupt minded sociopath…
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So; Now; in the present; 6 14 2014; what now! Where am I; well; Im allot stronger then I used to be; not quite strong enough yet; Im still living in the past connected emotionally to this girl from the past; These inner connections Ill be working on; slowly breaking down old memories working through moments of believing she liked me; Ill be breaking them down exposing the lies.
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As I work with God Im getting little bits of strength back as I work on the past associated with this person. My Job is to be thorough; I must get over all of this emotional stuff toward this person until I no longer see her secretly in any favorable light. It will happen; but not today; Ive got months and months and months of everyday work to do on this; However; will it take years; No I don’t think so; not this time.
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IN THE PRESENT: WHAT ARE MY GOALS>
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Im realizing… I would go to First Loves house when I was young; I would go up there for relief; I needed someone to help me grow and develop. And so I would go there…
Now I have to learn how to bi pass those thoughts and stand on my own 2 feet; thought of her… ( one problem is; it wasn't real; it was fake; she was not in love with me; felt nothing for me; nothing; so; I have no business arguing with this. Because nothing happened. I was being played on n on; I need to leave and go get a life; God did not send me up there. I was so broken I thought I had shelter from life by being up there around her; but actually it was Satan who was leading me on; Satan through her).
The problem with first love; She was not in love with me and nor was she a friend and so she was really no one to go up to.
I had no business their; she would be the first to tell someone that. I was not wanted their; She was friendly but not my friend and I took it all the wrong way without finding out how she really felt. It was actually dangerous. So…. She was not my friend and my goal is to get back on my feet again where I use to get around her for support.
In stead I have to work down God pathway and work down that direction… with God getting to know God more; and trusting God more. And working on standing on my own 2 feet and trusting what God wants me to do.. Amen…
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I have to open that part of my mind again with God; that part that skipped up to her house and work on that with God. A new pathway long before I meet her. The problem is; it was never real. I really didn’t have anyone up at that house; I only had a place to hide. And what Im saying is; I have to learn how to stay back at my own house and stand on my own to feet.
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God was not with that person nor with me when I was around that person. I must give way to God and allow God into my life and work with God down God pathway and stand on my own 2 feet… and work with God.. amen. Im walking down God pathway; its the pathway I was suppose to take during that time period instead of being at someone else’s house; I was suppose to learn how to trust God and keep working with God; amen…
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I cant stress this enough; working down Gods Pathway…
Getting strong in it and good at it; back n forth… Im learning slowly; its those areas of adolescence. Thats what counts… thats what Im being retrained in by God. Amen. I would like to say so much more. However; Ill have to just keep digging into that pathway until im stronger in it and wait and watch for Gods manifestation so show up at the other end of the pathway; things God has in store for me. Amen.
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