July 2025
June 2025
Im finding myself advancing and healing just a bit; just enough to open the door and see the other side..
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When I was young and my life was taken out from under me by BOTH parents… One hiding as a hero; but he was not… They were both equal psychopaths of their own nature.
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I was betrayed; thrown out and thrown away… So much for the house neighborhood schools friends and future culture I lived in; all was gone including all childhood and all childhood dreams… All gone; as if I suddenly was suspended in a permanent animation of thick plastic Plexiglas.
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Ive worked long n hard to secure the idea ( working with God); ( within my imagination) to go back to that time period; and become independent before I am thrown out… This means; with Gods help; I work my way back in my imagination; back to that time period and start over and rebuild from the ground up in that time period; ever changing my story until I new version of myself and story are created; This new version gives the ability to have many more open choice of survival back then; then I had…
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Today; ( In my imagination) I am showing promise of walking from that house I lived in; walking outside for the first time; ( with no original friends or relatives or anyone); I'm showing promise of standing on my own 2 feet with new goals; hidden silent goals; new direction and objectives…
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NOTE: I've gone back to the beginning of my life in these stories ( New Stories); starting at zero; And God; ( Acting as Parents); God leading and directing my new developmental pathways; and as I follow them and follow through with new procedures; I slowly begin to build and I begin to succeed and advance to new levels…
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I am now at that place equal with the time period of being thrown away from my house. I am now show signs of independently walking outside on my own 2 feet; outside that house to build some new relationships and forms of independence with no ones help from the past… Meaning; The original people I depended on at the time when very young; They are not in my story… God is in my story as a co creator of my life and co manager. IT is God acting as parent holding me up… working with me day in n day out; day after day; working on basics with me… As I slowly strengthen…
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I will say in the recovery process their has been at-least 50-100 people in my life within meetings on a daily basis for almost half my life now… I mean; thats how many people have seen my mental illness and insanity everyday… For half my life now in the recovery process. The recovery process is not easy; and not everyone likes me or respects me… its not easy around a whole bunch of strangers day in n out… And over time I began to know people and they begin to know me.
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The type of work Im doing now in the recovery process did not start until just a little while back… Ive had to cross numerous miles and mountains in my journey of recovery to work my way back into a working childhood similar to where I started in life… And all with Gods help and those people in the recovery process.
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I am showing signs of an understanding of independence… This means; I see and feel myself walking away from my past at that age I was thrown away. Im walking away right before that happens on my own volition. In my new story of my life; Im ready to exit and start find and working in the realms of independent natures; I want to be independent; God is making this me this way; For anyone can throw me away. And God doesn’t want me back into that realm again.
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Going back to childhood; taking my wisdom with me!
If one where to understand this. Ive taken all my insight as an adult with experience in life; God and I taking it back to that little boy I once was. When I get there; get back into my childhood again in my imagination; I and God are filling his mind and nervous system with this wisdom. Thus; altho in my new story Im just a boy; Im kind of a new little man with wisdom. And in this new story; Im ready to walk out of the house and start independent natures as a child under God. finding my own way in activities and relationships…
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What does all this mean? It means the original story of my past life can no longer hurt me… For it does not have the power to; it is an old story found in a fairy-tale book of children's tales… It means; Its just a story from the past; This story is in fairy-tale from; it now is within a book; but not within me anymore… Ive a new story developed in its place; and lived and graduating me into a new life…. Im starting go beyond myself at that age. And thus; going beyond myself now.
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Im right on the verge of this…
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HOW TO ACT AROUND SINGLE WOMEN; I DONT KNOW: Im INEPT…
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Ive been around allot of married women. And so; its like being around a bunch of Aunts; Like ive had a bunch of Aunts n Uncles and It reminds me of being 12 and Im hanging around… And my aunts chase me and talk to me and my Aunts flirt with me and tease me… But they are safe; they are my Aunts… the problem is; I never go beyond 12 in the present; meaning I never venture out. I cant; Im around those playing the roles of Aunts n Uncles… I haven't developed beyond it.
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Single women are much more austere and affrontive and rigid relative to married women. Married women are more amiable soft molding; easier… “ Of course they are; They are married for Gods sake! Literally; For ( Gods Sake); they are married; They called out to God; and God got them married and they have security and love and attention; They are in a more amiable position; Thus; they make great Aunts; unfortunately; it does not help me to learn how; In my situation; to deal with single women.
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The rejection of single women scares me! Nothing in this life is worse then to be defeated by single women because they don’t want me or I was wrong; They didn’t find me attractive when I thought they would or should. Nothing destroys me more… I become sad and give up… and go away. My worth as a person is destroyed…
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Thus;
A wall of numbness goes up around single women that does not occur around married women; My female friends that are married are much easier; much more open and interactive; Of Course they are; THEY ARE MARRIED; They are not single and they don’t have to worry about where they are going to get their attention. Married people are getting their attentions and security; So; they are more human when interacting with.
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I DONT WANT TO BE AROUND MARRIED PEOPLE: I WANT TO BE AROUND SINGLE WOMEN!
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However; Single women bite and strike like Cobra’s. And; The man that can make it through all Dat! He wins; He will get dates and learn how to go out with Single women.
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Single women( as a tribe); are not an easy group to get along with… For the most part; they are so affrontiv and rejectiv; its horrible on a man. Ive gotten so many signals that women who are single are not interested or they can take me or leave me; it has me left with the feeling of ICY DEATH!
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I feel so worthless around women; Like Im nothing and of no value; and that Ive been wrong; they never really did like me or want me; I never measured up; My fantasies that I did were wrong.
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OR WORSE:
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They want a strong man. Im not ANY KIND OF MAN; Im just me! Im not ( A MAN); Im just me. When I hear women talk as if they want a strong me I leave. I don’t want to be their anything! Im just myself. I want to look around at what is available and pick for myself what I want…
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Ultimately Ive found 2 things to work on…
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1. Dealing with Single women as a whole.
2. Talking to God about how I become the kind of person that can withstand dealing with single women.
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Have you ever seen single women that that were austere and affrontive; Finally to find a man and get hooked up with them and or married to them; Only to see them soften overtime… I would never give a women a chance in the first place; If she acted that austere ( SINGLE ROLE); I would never really be able to get near her or trust her… However; she ends up with another man and has a future relationship and I don’t. I don’t end up with anyone and soften up over time. The women changed that I saw get married… This tells me single women will change over time; Im speaking from a point of view of defensiveness.
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And I don’t like looking at this; the part of; I DONT CHANGE OVER TIME BECAUSE IM SINGLE.
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I feel very much like a beginning teenager; because internally; that's exactly who I am inside. Im not sure Ive ever had any emotional experiences with women. The closest I got was at age 14; They never went beyond one INTRODUCTION-SHIP! IF THAT> Looking back; Im not sure the introductionship was induced correctly and I may have simply been introduced to a stranger that stayed a stranger; Thus; Zero experience…
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So; the trauma Im dealing with is several years before one dates; Im right before a person dates women or has a girlfriend; That is where my development is; its right at that place of being with my parents and just on that edge of learning how to step out of my parents house; walk out the front door outside and begin a new life; Begin life; or the thought of one… learning to take steps; And this is where God comes in…
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God is Partner; God holds me up and is partly responsible for me and is managing me and I work with my partner on a minute by minute bases to hold me up and manage me as I live and at times start to head-outside from my parents house.
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HEADING OUTSIDE FROM MY PARENTS HOUSE:
Im able to do this because I and God have recreated me from the ground up; and I now have a new life at the age of a boy… and from their I have a new restructured home as a boy ( Within my imagination); And I have new restructured parents in my imagination at that time period; but in my imagination; its not my parents that are playing any kind of primary role in my life in my new stories; My power is coming from Jesus who is standing with me as my partner who holds me up and manages my life on a minute and second by second time period… He is taking good care of me the whole time; He is playing the role of mother and father this time. He is my protector; he is taking care of me. He is protecting me. He is looking out for me and helping me while I learn how to survive… My parents in this new role are just figure heads…
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So; I know am stretching; Im now learning how to walk back in forth through the front door and back into the house again; Im practicing now; going outside; standing on the porch; walking down the steps; walking onto the front walk; looking at the yard… looking at the neighbors houses… looking at the front trees… In my new story. In my original life; all was taken from me long before this. In my new story of my life; Im still in my old house under Jesus’s care. The house remain; the parents are in the house but controlling nothing; I get to develop; and soon; I walk with Jesus out the front door and back in. I begin to shore up the gap. Soon; Im walking outside with Jesus’s help; Standing on my own 2 feet; and finally I meet new people and Im starting to develop pre adult learning and social skills that are connecting to the real world…
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And; Looking around; Im outside! ( SMILE). And my life continues; it continues where in the original story of my life; it was cut off.
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God is my manager and my partner in life support and development; However; Here is the problem; Im disabled when dealing with many aspect in the real world; Ive been destroyed and crushed to-many times; and thus; God has to put his arm around my waist and my shoulders and grab my hands and hold me up and teach me how to walk where Ive been crippled; back n forth I practice with God! Back n forth…
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Can I withstand the assignments thrown at me from the world. No! So; I must work with God first in safe places to become who I must become in order to withstand such requirements…
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NOTE: Gladiators went to Gladiator school first before they went into the arena; The Romans taught them how to fight first for the arena…
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What does all this seem like and feel like;
Im finding Im innocent and its my first time outside the house; Lets say in my imagination; Im 12… Now what! I don’t get to depend on the original friends I had when I was actually 12 in the real world of my past; Im all alone… This was necessary so God could keep me safe and under his protection and direction. I would have to accept reality as it is; and learn with God how to develop; However; this time Im developing in a way that keeps me safe.
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One of the first issues as this new person walking with God; SINGLE WOMEN! Ill be working with God on how to deal with SINGLE WOMEN. Ill be working with God so God can build me up to deal with SINGLE WOMEN; SO I can end up with a girlfriend… This is completely new; Having never had a real girlfriend.
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NOTE: I never said I didn’t have 1.9 million women attracted to me in my life; I don’t talk about how they used to come up to me all the time and tell me they were interested… Ive had many beautiful female playmates for short bursts. Ive had money-diggers-grabbers; Women pretending to be interested in me; but were actually interested in their future and thought I had money but had no interest in me… And non of them; we had no relationship emotionally spiritually speaking even tho we were together; just horrible… And ive gone through this lonely kind of thing half my life… To a point I just didn’t want women around me anymore because non of them were my friends; and non of them wanted to be my friend; but they wanted things or fun; but they never wanted me; So I gave up after awhile.
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I was fooled by their looks most of the time. But most of the girls that were extremely good looking that liked me; I was 2 bashful to move forward with them. I would even get scared to follow through with sex after I Hit on women ( meaning asked them out); and they came back and offered it… I never followed through with many people; but then; allot of them were good looking women; but corrupt; They always said something or did something that turned me off very quickly and I walked away… In many cases it seemed some of them never understood; and I never cared to tell them… either way; it was always like sleeping with my enemy never my friend… Many women; I simply don’t remember sleeping with them; altho I slept with them every night for years…
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In my life; I was like an alone lonely shy little kid with all these strangers hitting on me ( women taking interest in me). I just went inside myself and never came out.
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Within my new story;
Having a new attitude about facing all of this as this new 12 year old; emotionally speaking… Ill have to be extremely built up and feel safe and taken care of first by self and God and Ill need skills. Im a few years off. Women are like ( 2) years off from me; ahead of me; as I remember; from my development. And altho Im a later aged adult; IM OLD; I still feel several years behind them in dating development…
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I have allot of things to face as this new 12 year old; I have to deal with the past; past Bullying! Past Sexual abuse from my past.
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Standing on my own 2 feet out in the real world a bit; As much as a 12 year old can be expected. I mean; Ill be in safe spaces as God develops me… As God literally physically is holding me up where I cant walk and slowly teaches me to walk again and hopefully learn how to get strong enough in the outside world; or strong enough again for the outside world; ( Reality has been to much for me. Its like I was in to many WW1 battles; saw to many bombs drop 2 close and couldn’t do anything about it.
Not sure how God will do this; Ill have to close my eyes and allow God to teach me how to be strong; Im not strong at all in these situations… I am blind and cannot see. God will have to hold me up and teach me how to come to; and learn to slowly walk again… and see again.
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ACTIVITIES:
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Its not just Single women Im dealing with, that Im trying to overcome…. Im trying to over come the Activities; The ability to get back into activities so I can have an active life. In many cases; This is what Im doing at so many 12 step group meetings; that is where its all heading… its heading to a place of becoming trained into activities again. Im; ( My psyche) is in an internal place; allowing the attention and learning from 12 step groups; Im allowing this energy to flow into that deep place within me that will fire up the batteries needed to fuel my participation in activities.
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My goal with activities is to ( GET INTO) an activity. What does this mean; its means putting my heart time and soul into an activity; ( Sacrifice) something I like to do… learning to feel safe to put hours into it on a daily basis. I would love to be able to put hours n hours into the things I love on a daily basis; to be trained into how to do this. And this is showing up.
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AGAIN; Ill be trained by Jesus; by God for this; ( support continues to come from 12 step meetings; just showing up is still good enough for now); if I get my ego down to allow this. And Ill talk to God about that; Ive been working on this for a long time. However; to get into the real playing field of training for the arena; that is something else. That is me believing again and taking this seriously.
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So; This is the other arena; learning how to function with and within an ACTIVITY… A CALLING; an OCCUPATION…
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NOTE: Always comes back to this; Relationships and Activities; For years in the recovery process; This has been the goal; to have real world connection; to connect and live in reality in the outside world where Im involved in real relationships and activities; to a point I don’t have to go to so many 12 step meetings anymore.
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In my imagination; Getting back the blessing of being in an occupation… if I want to pursue one.
Im 12; Im just outside the house for the first time working with God to stand on my own 2 feet… And God will be showing me how to participate in an occupation; How to slowly warm up to such things; slowly get my hands involved; slowly; learning that I wont get them bit off or snapped off or destroyed; or murdered…
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Im learning how to go out into the world again; God is showing me how to show up where in the past I was murdered and I don’t want to be murdered anymore… So; I have God with me preparing me before hand and showing me what I need to know; as long as I bow to down to God and get on my face and Knees showing reverence to God in respect… I want to be teachable; Thus I have to become the student… When the student is ready the teacher will appear…
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UNDER GODS CARE OR NOTHING….
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Ive lost everything because I wasn't under Gods care and supervision. Under Gods care things are possible; I can receive the blessing and advantages given to me under Gods Kingdom.
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In the past; in the old life;
Not under Gods care? NOTHING! Ill be pulled back into a cage into the corner of the room and wait upon God until God can figure out a way or place for me to go to start all over again. Ive started over a million times it seems; never learning; just getting more n more angrier as I go.
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Now; Im tired of loosing. Ive lost bus fulls of opportunities; fiances/activities/careers; family possibilities… Many things; Im so tired of it all.
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Im willing to listen to the message sent to me by God. OKE; Ill get on my knees and be under God; God will work with me and be my partner in development and management of my life; Much like a professional boxer has a manager for their career; and a trainer. God is my trainer… if I so thus decide and allow this; If I decide to become teachable and mold-able and amiable. And Im getting their…
Under God; things are possible; Not Under God; Nothing!
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I now have to be trained on learning how to stay long hours under Gods care; Simply starting out learning how to be under Gods care; Not going after anything; just sitting under Gods care… being UNDER Gods care… Thats all Im suppose to exercise within., As I get better at it; ( I GET WHAT I EARN); it expands… Thats what Ive been shown by God… What do I know; Im just starting out…
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NOTE: Work my way into a new way of thinking; and get support by 12 step groups along the way.
Movement forward in Activities and relationships.
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A look at these concepts and where Im at; how I feel about them…
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Relationships;
Well; first; I kinda see the idea is to ask people to hang out… Call them; talk to them… Get used to those who are not interested; go through all that…
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Biggest problem; MONEY… Ill have to talk to God about this one.
Biggest problem; Wrong people; If Im hanging out with the wrong people; and she is cute; but the wrong kind of person; Im in trouble… I don’t want trouble anymore…. Its up to me. I can feel it; it seems everything is centered around money… SO; Ill talk to God about money for relationships…
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Telling her who I am; what I want; my limitations in a relationship; How I feel….
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Telling her about Trust issues; asking her for help with trust issues Im trying to develop… Working with her…
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NOTE; The most important aspect of my development right now is to define the goals; and I think I have; concerning activities and relationships; Ive defined what Im looking for; what I want to work toward with Gods help.
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IN MY IMAGINATION; However; The main goal is the gap of no mans land between where Im at right now and crossing this endless sea of turbulent sand and mote that entangles my pathway to the promise land ( to my goals). However; God has shown me how to establish footings along the way and I shall embark… Ive been practicing. In addition; after crossing this divide; I shall return to build a bridge across this giant sand storm to the far other side… This gap is as big as a desert… So; this will take some time to establish different foot headings and outposts in this sandy wake.. until a clear passage way has been established…
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Im just beginning to learn with GOD: on how to walk again; how to walk like a hiker in the Himalayan mountains. How to secure my passage ways one foot at a time…
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ACTIVITIES:
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Goals;
1. Long hours creating
2. Setting things up for performing live/ And then; Performing live…
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Where am I in all of this.
Im showing signs of working with my machines again… its a start… Ill see how long I can stand being at them… how many minutes I can handle. My goal is to spend all day with them creating and getting off on it.
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Talked about ego reduction at the meetings;
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Dear God;
Id like to come back to normal please. I have thought in the past and the present that most people really want me or want to know me; and that others like me because I imagine they do… I mean; where I think the whole world wants me; When in reality they arnt thinking about me.
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NOTE: Im not talking about manifesting that doesn’t work… I mean; if I work with God and want to attempt manifesting people to like me; imagining in new stories people like me because Im willing to change and get inline with the universe for this to happen; that is different.
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I would like to come back to ground level and start over from the beginning please… Where I earn my way including real friendships with decent people.
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NO RELATIONSHIPS WHEN YOUNG…
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I wrote down a few names from the past to pray about them as I want their power in my life neutralized. Meaning; people I had relationships with where I was co dependent….
I want them gone; I want their power over me gone. In shock; something slammed off the page; a reality God was showing me clearly; Suddenly I realized very clearly; the names I put down on paper; I never had relationships with those people… SHOCKED! Did I have situation-ships or even Introduction-ships; Looking at the facts; NO! Nothing. I simply fantasized about them but never followed through. They never really knew. I was just some stranger who hung around a few times silently and then went away.
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Suddenly; Im like; How then could I have such pain of loss for these people if I never had a relationship; No relationship means no loss… Ill talk to God about this one.
I may of lost something; but they certainly are not to blame. I mean; Maybe Im mad because they are not to blame. Thus I have no one to blame; and thats whats got me mad… confused; They must have pulled a fast one; manipulated me; played me; set me up; fooled me. In reality; I have no proof of ever having the courage to get close to them to start a relationship. I have proof that some of them offered the opportunity but I chickened out and that was the end of that. Those people lost their trust in me and never really took me seriously again and never returned.
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On paper; this just wasnt so! Nothing ever existed. Nothing ever got that far. Nothing ever got anywhere; It just never happened.
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NOTE: Im realizing; socially; I watched allot of television but never went any further; I was never trained socially for the outside world and thus; never earned my way into the outside world. I had no development or training or maturity. At some point humiliated embarrassed and under developed; I withdrew and never came back to society; I hid for the remainder of my life… I realize; I never worked for anything; for any social development or change; and thus it never happened. Ive always been a severe introvert…
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The world and those in the outside world;
Its as if; I had an interview with them; but never really went any further. Possibly Im mad because of what could have been; but for me to blame them is ludicrous; but that's exactly what Ive been doing for years; and its completely dishonest. And Im not sure why this lie is so hard to get over. So; Ill be working on it…
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NOTE; I had no social training for the maturity levels needed in the outside world… Thus at some point when opportunities came my way; I slowly pulled away and avoided everything; I hid…
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Trying to escape;
I was trying to get away with it; but Im getting caught( trying to hide) If I had no relationship; their was no social status established. Nothing. Why is that so horrible. ( to accept I didn’t have what it took to establish a relationship). Why is this co dependency so important that I can lie about having relationships with people I never did; It has to do with my self worth. So; Ill go back to God and work with God to somehow work through this stuff and get over it… My God.
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NOTE: I did take a few steps forward from the safe cave I was hiding in; And that was good! However; that is not a relationship with someone; Those people I was thinking about; they were 1000 miles away. I had only taken a few steps outside the cave; ALL GOOD: but one needs to clarify… a few steps outside the cave is a good beginning and does show some interest in being alive. However stretching this into a fantasy about meeting people is simply a lie! Maybe I could not handle the truth that I was not developed… and I could not go very far outside the cave.
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It seems like I was trying to escape by focusing on these other people as if I was powerful and could claim I had relationships with them making me SOMEONE! I guess I thought of myself as no-one.
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I seem to have a hard time letting this all go because the whole glass house crumbles; My whole identity crumbles if I do… Im not who I claim I am. Writing this helps; but does not fix this… I can feel sexual abuse; Im hiding from sexual abuse; what happened to me; Im using these fake relationship ideas to hide from what real life was going on…
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I never really had any real social of any kind; so I made stuff up.. stuff that appeared I thought could almost have been; but in reality; could never ever have been. And I have to look at my role in all this.
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NOTE: I tried to make a friend when very young; that maybe he could help me. He and his family turned out to use me.. I meant nothing to them; they were just using me. I was heartbroken and never wanted to leave the depths of the cave ever again.
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So; the loss was false friendship? Friendships? Yes; I claim they didn’t want to be friends with me and I never got over it… or they wanted to use me but never be friends with me; never valued me for what I was worth.. Fair enough;
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Can I look at them as obvious enemies; Yes! I mean; that picture is becoming more clear… and see them for what they really where and accept that; maybe; Because; some of that light that is shining on that situation is JUST NOW: starting to shine on that situation for the first time in this specific way…
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Ive had a hard time putting the evidence together to a coherent picture suggesting a closer look at the real truth starting to stand out. This person was my enemy. Im finally gathering proof through Gods eyes and help that will allow me to see it for what it is; The truth. I had walked right into my enemies hands and never knew it.
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NOTE: I had no maturity; the problem with these people I was associating with; they had no time for me; no interest in helping me; no compassion; nothing; they were like Jackals; they throw me away without a thought… I innocently valued them; they valued nothing in me and claimed to have never knew me or wanted to ever know me and wished they had never met me… And those were the people I was walking to and talking with to get help???? What? I desperately trying to make them my friends. I had no one else. And no strength for the outside… it took everything I had just to walk up and talk to them. However; I understand now; they were strangers and they wanted to keep it that way… For ever!
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NOTE: I wanted to badly for someone to teach me; to help me when young; that I could have a footing in new social situations where I could be part of a new outside world; but I never found anyone willing to help.. I guess I blamed those few people I ran into that were not interested. Today; my focus is more on my own interests and how to work toward them with God and letting other people off the hook who did not live up to my expectations of fantasy.
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No one led me on.. I just thought they did or I wanted to think they did; when in reality on paper; nothing happened; Thus; it was in my head. And I don’t like to have to clarify it; the delusion; but I may have to start working on clarifying what was in my head and what actually occurred in reality… Because Nothing happened in reality; These people Im talking about; nothing happened; they were strangers… and thats almost 2 much for me to handle…
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From Friendship to enemy…
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I wanted a friend; Oke; Q; is that the other persons fault?; No! Its a bit narcissistic to think Im going to pull a stranger in to my business Ive never met before or know nothing about and demand or expect something from them; that's a bit inappropriate; Its worse then that; its delusional; criminal. Its like capturing someone against their will and using them. And then I get mad they never complied… I got caught doing this; thats what happened. Im mad I got caught trying to use someone… trying to use a stranger and I never got away with it; and Ive been mad ever since. I never had success with them. I was defeated before I started… I felt like the most horrible horrible worthless loser on earth… The worst person on earth.
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From Stranger Friendship to enemy….
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So; what started out as a friendly introduction-ship slowly with evidence transforms to be revealed as an enemy disguised.
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So; Ive been skipping the process of false friend to enemy; the evidence showing this slow change over time. In this change is the evidence and Ive been purposely denying or not exposing the truth; Ive been covering it up. Its a cover up!
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I was acting the part of being in a relationship; acting all the roles; when I was never actually in a relationship with these people… I was in my own world acting it out. The other people were not committed; they were just near or in my head; they were not willing to help; they didn’t care; and they didn’t care about me; I meant nothing to them; I was just some stranger acting out these parts; I had no value to them; and never would. They never wanted me in any other position then stranger. They never wanted me in the first place… I finally; Heartbroken; Dropped out; dropped away and basically never returned…
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I felt I tried to give the world a chance; and it just spit in my face…..
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THEY NEVER WANTED ME IN ANY OTHER POSITION THAN STRANGER AND I COULD NEVER GET OVER IT! I COULD NEVER GET OVER THIS OR ACCEPT THIS…
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And I never got past stranger position with most of the world.
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It is this I have to look at.
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One way of looking at it is; Breaking it down from what appeared as friendship to start with finally turned into enemy-ship territory over time. It turned into enemy-ships because thats all it was from the beginning; I just never saw it. I believed I was dealing with a friend to start with; And that is where the delusion begins. So; Im on to something while writing this.
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I wanted to believe they were my friends to start with because I was desperate; my reality was deteriorating quickly and I needed some kind of stability in the world; and so; in my brain; I created them into these nice people that were on my side; friendly; And I will pay for this… In fact; Ive not even began to look into this at this level; Ive been way to in denial. Maybe now; Maybe; I can look at a little of this and start seeing the truth of things.
The other people never intended to commit in the first place.. And this is hard on me. Why would I think they were going to in the first place; Ill have to look at this; I was being fooled by them in the first place because I was allowing myself to be fooled… and Ill pay for it; for not staying alert to whom I was dealing with… I was being stupid and I will pay for it. Sure; I would like to have been treated according to my worth; However; they proved to be the wrong people to associate with. And thats where the arrogant problem on my part is. It was stupid for me to go up to the wrong people and play this game.
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IN THE PAST AND IN THE PRESENT:
I don’t know if Ive stood up to these scummy people and defended myself and defended who I am. I mean really stood up in front of them and defended myself; I havent and I guess Ive been ashamed of that. For I had no real place to call home; nothing backing me up; I had nothing; no defense; no army behind me; Nothing. I was nobody but thought I was somebody; but in the end realized I was nobody; I had nothing to counter to or count on; no backup; nothing.. and I needed back up to deal with these crummy people… I didn’t realize what I had gotten myself into; that I could not get myself out of. I had gotten myself; my back up against a wall and I was caught red handed and couldn’t escape.
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Ive allowed those who are indifferent to me to my even existence and Ive given them power over me… and Ive gotten destroyed by them and not given them credit for this and walked away… And it situations like this; Im slowly working with God to help me get over this; to get over myself thinking I had it going on that I was SOMEBODY! I mean. I need to be someone in Gods eyes and no one elses… And I feel so shameful for selling myself short or selling myself out to these worthless people. And I have to now slowly learn how to go through each thin layer of this so I can face these things slowly… but Im working with God to slowly face this.
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Its very important to understand I was never in the ball park to be popular with anyone… I was not that kind of person; and to try and find myself around any of that is to set myself up to complete failure and destruction.
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Its like no one ever wanted to be my girlfriend… So; I was not around the right people and didn’t do the work to be around the right people or work with God on who those people might be…
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NOTE: The truth is good enough; in the real world; I never earned anything; For some reason; I thought someone owed me. But what kind of delusion is this. Im slo glad I can work on getting out of this delusion with Gods help.
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I wanted to be accepted but that could never be… And I just could not handle or accept that. Things were going to be socially harder for me until I took responsibility for who I was suppose to be around.
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I was hanging around the wrong neighborhoods and the wrong houses and the wrong backyards and the I was a bumble bee around the wrong flower beds. I just couldn’t understand. I was in the back yards of the wrong houses… It didn’t matter how many flowerbeds I found myself in; I would never be accepted… And I was bent out of shape for that; Defeated. But I never did any work to find myself in the right houses assigned by God…
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In the right neighborhood I would prosper… But I never wanted to be that person not good enough for the neighborhood of privilege. However; I was never accepted into those neighborhoods from the beginning; but I was the last to know… Im slowly; very slowly learning about this right now… slowly…..
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Where Im at Now;
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Im now; working with God;
Im working on Activities and Relationships with God; through God; to begin again; starting at the very basics with God; God as trainer; partner manager….
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Im all ready remembering… .
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IN REALITY: IN MY REAL LIFE WHEN YOUNG:
In a sense; When I left the neighborhood I grew up in; I ended up in neighborhoods of people I did not know; and cultures I did not know… And no one valued me… So; it was a waist of time to know them; I ended up getting led on by them not realizing I meant nothing to everyone; It was complete indifference.
I have to work with God this time; talking to God; working with God; and let God bring the right people from the right backgrounds; Yet; I must be under God; and have God as manager… I stay out of it; I pray and write about what I want in both areas of Activities and \Relationships.
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I seem to be taken back to my childhood… And starting over;
Im showing signs of slowly becoming that person again; some sanity returning and my original self coming back to self… And starting again… In this case with God in charge; if I so choose… Its about my choice to put God first and keep God in the driver seat and let God do the thinking; Ill do the imagining… and learn to trust God and have God bring what Im putting forth in my imagination and align it with my inner being…
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This time being cautious and careful only to go with Gods choices that are brought to me from God… under God…
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WHERE AM I NOW:
The gap between connection with Responsibility for relationships and activities is filling in; It means; Im feeling good about Relationship responsibility concepts; where I feel confident to be independent and not co dependent on the past; Ive kind of been working on that for a long long time in recovery. So; Im starting out more free within the concepts of relationship and Activities; new intensives for these concepts under God.
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And I have to learn to tell women the truth of who I am and my limitation; and those may not be so attractive to allot of women; but I have to tell them anyway… Ill trust God…
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So; I have to learn to bow down to God at that transition point of obtaining relationships and activity participations…
Our partner
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