July 2025
June 2025
Im becoming a different person. My thoughts are much different then they used to be; much more clear. But I have a whole childhood that is not present present within me... meaning; Ive walked through it; some of it; but the rest of my inner mind is not strong enough or in touch enough to be present and back. The problem is; I cant sustain that kind level of thinking when I can never go back to my home when young; its simply to much on me to sit and remember the way I was before I was destroyed or murder'rd and just sit around remembering when I cant go home. I had my home robbed of me and everything dealing with it on purpose; my mind shut down... I would like it to open up again; those places when very very young and get the real me back; skip the other stuff later; in later early teen years; skip all that. I just want me back... And then ill rebuild from their.
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Ive made advancements.
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I have little to no interest in the horror of this first love; its like water is pouring over her; her memory and she is slowly fading into nothingness... She is fading because she was nothing. I say this only because Im directed by God and all things have been taken to God first; God is doing this; clearing my mind of horrible bad people of the past; little by little.
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When young; I thought my mother and father would look after me; guide me and take care of me. Instead; they murder'rd me... I was a ghost; nothing remained... And thats what the psychopath does; they murder everything in site to get rid of the evidence that it ever existed; and then they move on to something new.
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Ive seen this many times in the 12 step groups; more drug based with psychopaths within the meetings. They lose their kids; they dont care. later I see them again a few years later with a new boyfriend; they are pregnant and starting over again as if They never had a previous family; In some situations; Ive been put into shock. I knew the guy they were with didnt have a clue; he was a simp! And she was acting like this was her first baby... I mean completely as if she had never been married before or had kids; nothing. This is with the awareness that the other kids are out of the picture.. Unbelievable callas monsters. Seen this several times.. just horrid...
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Hard to describe what is happening. Im getting my mind back? Im getting personal power back.
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I was walking around in the woods with a friend today; it had been washed out earlier this year by a flood. So; it was interesting. I told my friend I was 50% of the way home. Meaning; taking on my own personal interests in the present.
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Im much better then I used to be; but still PTSD'd out; and depersonalization.. serialization. Like looking through a glass pop bottle; a thick one into the outside world... Not connected to the outside world. personality damage... Mind damage... trying to remember....
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Working on it.
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It hurts.
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Ill get back their; its happening but I cant explain it. damage to my mind. Im trying to over come it. Im showing signs of being less aggressive and more the original me. Its like Im trying to cross a threshold held by PTSD and go beyond it into the real me again. I have to trust God...
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I am noticing more n more; No girl from the past that lived up the street; she is disappearing. I guess she is not needed anymore. She is like a character from a book I read when young. Just something I read from a page; and in its place is me being in the present...
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Im not fully in the present; but more n more I will become more n more in the percent. Their is an agitating problem. I cant describe it; its like being a victim still at a deep level and Im in content fight or flight mode and freeze mode and passive aggressive mode. Not present or safe; but violently outburst ready from CPTSD>.
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Im like a deeply horrifically wounded dog whos ready to attack.
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Im still damaged goods.
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The key to some of this is; no old fake friends that were never on my side.
I have to really look at my early beginning life differently; I have to see it without all the friends houses I visited; I have to see it where I get involved in school work working with teachers and going that rout. As I really had nothing else. and Ill pray about how that can happen now.
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Things are changing; but my mind is still warped and ruptured. SO; I still have allot of work to do on myself.
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The goal is literally goals; adult goals. Family; relationships, Asian soulmate, job money work, occupation; vacation; house car, talents... Adult stuff... all of it; writing it all out on paper; what I want. keep it up and keep at it.
Our partner
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