July 2025
June 2025
Ive got 5 days to go before Facebook lets me post again; Im in Facebook jail again.
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I saw something in one of the groups; the AVPD groups; Facebook groups; Someone posted if anyone had or had gone to the Gym. I understood. Did they actually leave their house or dwelling or apartment. And I thought. I go to the gym all the time... Theirs allot of things I do or can do and I have AVPD; and Agoraphobia. Fear; my mind collapsing outside in reality; not strong enough to be present in reality... not strong enough for reality so their is no real outside outdoor reality for me; not strong enough; but I go to the Gym. So; Im seeing their are a number of things I can do that others cant.
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12 STEP GROUPS; the realities... quarter of a century is how long Ive been going. Doesnt seem like... Just seems normal.
However, Here is the realities. Many of the groups are not my people; They are narcissist sociopathic like and criminal; Way out of my range; and at times I forget this because I make it home and that is a mistake I get corrected on. I forget just how far down the totem pole these people are.
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They are not safe; many of them are monsters.... They are........ Did I forget. Maybe. I got a wake up call today. But not more then any other day. Im just on my knees asking God better questions these days.. and Im receiving answers. And one of the answers is? Ill explain.
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I was in a park on the outskirts of town. a wild wooded area next to a water way; small river outlet with viaducts and such; trapping the water coming out of the mountain; reservoir system for controlling the flow of water for the town below or county!...
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The event was occurring under a nice size gazebo? canopy style outdoor structure? More then a canopy system; a full building with no walls... roof with steal beams; that make more sense; concrete floor with lots of long tables...
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as the party was raging; a friend and I were playing frisbee; From my angle; I throw the frisbee to him but the direction is at the party as its going on. If he does not catch it; the frisbee might hit someone.
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Anyway dude; it was just a frisbee; no big deal. Well one of the over weight socialist chicks in charge; a real brute came running out like a cop to stop us... I told her off and faced her off... It stunned her to have someone stand up to her; I a man its not a hard thing.... She seemed almost stopped and imbalanced in her tracks. But that didnt last long; she started directing us... I kept telling her to go away...
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Later at home; I talked to God about this. And on my knees God gave me the answer; God said; next time; you and your friends who are playing frisbee; walk away; Go to the next field completely out of site of the gathering. At first my ego was like; " I dont have to go anywhere"; but then the wisdom of God came over me. The wisdom indicated; Did I forget who I was dealing with; these were never my formal group of people in the first place. They were never from my Hood growing up. These were ruff group of people that did not cater to someone like me nor like people like me nor understand people like me.
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So; God made me remember just how fair out backwards of places I had become within; but they all gave me my recovery; but I am to never forget where I am. Lots of trouble makers in the places Im in.
In fact; Ive noticed something about this generations of people; those 20 or something; Generation Z; Not the kids but the ones in their 20's; Ive noticed some things. They have no connection to past generations.... And they have no value for past generations... ITs as if the schooling system has destroyed them.... brainwashed them completely out of an identity with their country or country man. This is not good; Ive met allot of sociopaths from that generation; narcissistic persons...
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Im learning; as God heals me or teaches me how to think again in terms of success based thinking processes; laws of attraction and manifestation stuff; He is letting me know that the people in the rooms; in someone of the groups are not safe people for me; never were; I just dropped my guard and forgot because ive been around for a while. I cant win their. not possible. and those people dont respect me nor even understand me and I should not ever forget it. Ive been on borrowed time from the beginning. I never realized it. However, these places have helped me survive.
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My mind is not strong enough to understand or deal with reality. It is collapsed and has a horrible time connecting to anything because that is to much reality.
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And ive noticed that I have no idea where Im at. I feel like Ive lived in a garage all my life out in the middle of nowhere like living in a airport part of nothing. Ive never really been aware of anything because of dissociative disorder; so this town has been useless for me. ive had a few spots I remember from my past but other then that Ive been living under a box. I have no idea what is going on and where Im at. Im not connected to anything here or anyone; only the 12 step groups.....
But more important then that; Im an educated person and cultured and sensitive in some respects; and Ive been lucky enough to hang out with tougher people then me in order to survive. But I need not ever forget it or get a big head in front of them... Sometimes I forget where Im at and start competing with them and that is a mistake.
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Trauma at that young age.
The age I was traumatized is the age on starts to made decisions and take chances.. And all chances taking and attempting to do things and follow through stopped. All things stopped.
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Now; as I get better; Im seriously thinking about relationships again... learning to take a chance and get involved and let go and let God and see what happens.
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