July 2025
June 2025
Id like to go to a football game…
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The last time I wanted to be with choice friends and go outside and go to a football game was; In 10th grade? 9th grade?
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Suddenly as Ive been working on my recovery; its starting… Its starting to move outward. I want choice friends brought by God; they want to see me develop… We go to a football game together…
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Im elderly now. Is been many years since wanting to go outside and do anything or go anywhere socially. I was completely destroyed the last time I ventured outside trying to develop a real life; High school years and 9th grade. Certainly their were reasons for my destruction. I had no father or uncles or friends or cousins or male figures to turn to on how to live. I was completely lost. When I stepped into the dark parts of the forest to make friends; in neighborhoods I did not know and was falsely invited to places by liars; I ended up being taken for a ride several times; meaning; I was manipulated and used… In most cases I had no idea it was happening until it was 2 late. In several; cases; I simply was around the wrong people; I made a mistake. I tried to make friends with people who felt nothing for me and saw nothing in me. I made friends with people way out of my league… Today; Im asking God to only bring people in my strange league level.
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Today; Im working with God Universe Jesus Higher Power on this… Im now officially starting to turn toward meditation and success based thinking process in order to manifest the right surroundings for my outside venture… Ive been at success based thinking process for 10 years!
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This time; “its Gods will not mine”; and its all under God!
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In my strange league level; Societal worth level; I would say 2-5 out of 10; God will bring the right decent nice people to help me; who care about me; for my development. They will care if they don’t see me again; it will matter to them. So; I don’t want to be around bad people anymore. I want to be around safe people. Ill have to manifest this under God; down Gods pathway; a Pathway in my league level; a stranger league; at the market value in society of 2-5; That adds in my age; financial situation… I don’t own a car. Mental health problems.. Disability… And other factors… Not working…
Im educated and intelligent and creative and verbally expressive… I have lots of sensitivities for those who would appreciate my inner being… However; regardless of what a great guy I am… In many cases in these dual societies today; In Socialism/ Feminist left; vs Right wing Capitalism; In this split up society of different values and 2 different societies living next to each other; In these places as the country I live; I would say my market value is; 2-5… And Ive mentioned all this before in my blocks as I slowly move forward under the universe help… God will and can bring me great people at my league level; But no higher please.
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What level is this as I fight to wake up. Well; its the same level and awareness of a teenager working at a fast food place… If they even are working in those places anymore… I don’t know… The world has changed so much…
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Im not starting on top; I did not earn anything on top. Ive learned what Ive earned with the universe; Im slowly waking up under the universe’s care; its that simple. Waking up to reality is happening; where Im floating down energy river; is where Ill land and start again. I show up on the shore. And it may have already happened.
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As I continue to use success based tools to change my thinking through my imagination; Im slowly getting stronger to go outside with friends; not alone; and go do things again; live my life again in several new ways…
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The past is gone… I didn’t shut the door on it; but no desire there; no reason; no interest. My interests lay out in front of me; my future! My thoughts are on my future; building and manifesting what I want… I want the same things I always wanted; but I wont be getting them living in past; Ill get them; focusing on what God wants to create for my future. I am their! Im at this point.
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Im extremely beat up mess; disabled mentally and hardly able to handle any forms of reality Im so weak; but Im enthusiastic… I BELIEVE AGAIN! And the smooth transition from where Im at to the outside world is a much much closer venture then before…
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Im really not heartbroken anymore; Now that I know what the truth is! I don’t need to look for fault; The Human condition is what it is… Sexual abuse is not my fault. Even those monsters; I understand the horrible nature of living on this planet and the nut cases out here; Im not making excuses for criminal or sexual criminals; Im not. But I escaped those things and find myself here now into the present safer through Gods help.
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I give a damn today.
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Ive fought to drop into society with a good or great attitude again; and its earned and Im at that place; I think its back… And I earned it; it wont be dropping away this time. Ive worked under God for this every step of the way; every inch; its mine; it belongs to me! More in more; my imagination is clear to create footsteps leading out into society now… Im able to go into society because I have no past; and no history anymore; I worked on it so much through the 12 steps and through success based thinking processes… Ive mentioned lately; its like a garage; and the car is missing from the garage; The garage is empty now; he car represents my past and what I focused on; my history; Ive got nothing in their anymore; so theirs nothing to hang onto. All I can do is go out and make more life; more life shows up…
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Being in meetings is important. Im having problem with stalkers tho…..
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Where was I?
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GOING OUTSIDE…
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The point of this blog is; Im there. Im at that place; its the next phase; Going outside again. This time; its got to be with decent people; Nothing like when I was younger. This has got to be safe people brought to me by God… So; Ill start meditation and writing up goals for myself…
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Im starting to become that social person again; I mean; Im not social yet; but its creeping in slowly; Im becoming normalized concept idea for being into society again… less fear; but I do have massive fear. My personality had break downs; severe breakdowns; and its warped hardened in places; choppy and ruptured; swelled up… Im attempting to create bridged pathways across all that in my imagination; and it seems to build confidence that I can some day be outside again doing things. Im still so vulnerable dissociated and sensitive tho… But Im getting there. Ive gotten closer to the edge of society reality lately; certainly Ive been working on proactively for a long while now.
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For a long while I only had faith; nothing else… .
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Writing new narratives!
Ive been writing new narratives for each year of my young life; to change my perception on what could be. In those new narratives of my childhood; I have loving carrying parents; who are watching out for my safety. Im home schooled and privately schooled so its safe for me to learn… and I have lots of developments in different type classes and interests and clubs and such… Im not going out to fake friends houses where Im being lied to and used in these new narratives…
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THE WORK THAT MUST BE DONE:
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So; I must keep working on drawings and stories and visualizations in first person point of view; of bridges and walk ways expanding over the large gap’d areas or tundra of a broken brain n nervous system/mind; where its all ruptured past scare tissue and still broken… Im taking pathways and walk ways over this gap area onto land; onto the beginnings of civilization. IM BACK. Almost… A gap exists… I have to earn my way into a new way of thinking.
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Im back in the face and memories of sexual abuse; to move beyond them… And that is truly a big big deal. I can see the PTSD; its still here. However; a strength is underneath it; a new narrative underneath it; a narrative that has already been acted out for a very long time now; and this positive narrative continues to get stronger… However; with sexual abuses; it runs at the deepest. So; Ill have to bridge over gaps at the deepest level if I can take the triggering and PTSD>..
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In my Imagination;
Im still on the other side of the mountain ( meaning; on this side of the mountain); I either tunnel through the mountain to the other cities on the others side; ( This can be done) ( In my imagination); or; swath a path through the trees n forest several hundred miles up n over mountain passes to my destination where God awaits more fortunate life.. ( in my imagination)! And This can be done. Im strong for it. Ive been getting my mind into mental shape for awhile now for this… and Im up to speed for this type of challenge now… to at-least attempt it…
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NOTE; All of this is about breaking through dissociation and coming back into alignment..
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So; Im just over the edge of myself; just by a half foot shoe size… Ive stepped over it because Im overflowing into it now a bit; just a bit. Ive earned everything before it; meaning the experience to now be at this level of moving onto new land masses from the May Flower; Im a pilgrim…
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However; this level is all new to me. Ive never been here before. Ive never been here on my own before; meaning with God and the awake desire to be outside and part of life again.
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The first thing is meditation…
Next; is my goals and doing success based work around those ideas; to develop into a manifesting ability that will work. All Gods will; not mine. That's what I will pray numerous times a day for… .
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I still have more to say in this blog; so Im not done yet…
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The best bet for me right now; is to hunker down into meditation; success based thinking practices surrounding laws of attraction and how billionaires think and watching coaches of such things on you tube; and reading their books.
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Ill start visualizing in a more serious way; Ill take all of this learning to the next level. I used to get into it for years; However; after actually living some of it and wanting to get to the next level; I put the learning level down a notch and focused on living and getting help to get over the next hill I needed to climb. That has happened… And Im now on a new plain or tundra for the next journey…
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The next goal is much like a weight lifter wanting to increase weight. They continue to do the same things and over n over n over daily ever becoming stronger and able to lift more weight; until they are at the desired level they've been working toward…
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In my imagination;
So; Im creating bridges and stories of creating bridges that gap over empty chard brain matter where I was roasted when young… Im looking to create long walk always to the other side. I want success for my desires.
I need and want many more connections for these desires…
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FIRST LOVE AND OTHERS; WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM?
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FRIENDSHIP: THEY DID NOT WANT TO BE MY FRIENDS…
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The number #1 issue with First Love; SHE WAS THE WRONG PERSON….
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How did this happen; Well! IT must have happened because of (pause)….: ME!!!!!!!!!
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Im the cause of the problems with these people; I don’t even blame them; WHY? Because they were the wrong people; These people; Like my First Love; They did not Love me; They did not have any alignment with me! What does this mean; They were not my friends… They were not friend material. They were the absolute opposite people to be friends with; They were the WRONG people to associate with; and its not their fault. Its mine.
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NOTE; I can see this friendship thing as; I was completely mindless when meeting these people; I held no precautions; nothing; I didn’t even know them… I mean; no fact checks… who were they; did we have anything in common; could they value me. NOTHING! Just blind and mindless; thats how I went into things; even worse then that!
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I went out of my way to make friends with people; try to create a friendship with people who absolutely hated me; did not have any way of ever being friends with me; or valuing it or ever appriciating or valuing me at any level.
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Im picking the absolute WRONG people to try to become friends with. Who’s fault is that…
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Im picking the wrong people to try to become friends with or create a friendship with…. Im choosing to do this so Im not a victim…
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Thats what went wrong with so many people in my life; I was picking these people who were the opposite of someone that would appreciate being friends with me. And its much worse then that… No discernment; Nothing. Absolute wrong people. Completely! Now what?
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So; Ill work with God on this; I guess Im scared to death. I could write blogs on this over n over n over; miles of them; About not picking the right people for a friend.
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So; Ill be working with God on it. Do I trust God with this; NO! I don’t trust anyone period. Ill work with God on this… amen…
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This idea of finding a real friend under God; This is going to be a very hard thing. I mean; Ill start working with God on this.
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Life is a risky business… And this is of the most risky area I know of. I don’t want to go through more of this. Its horrible… I don’t know…
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I do know; it starts with God; and it develops with God; Ill need a safety plan under God if things don’t work out with people. I cant have mental break downs over it…
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So; am I saying this correctly; Im picking people; that after working hard to create a friendship between us; 6 months later; I mean nothing to them; they wont remember me for any reason; they don’t even care; I mean; what went wrong here… Well; there is an obvious problem; someone is not taking any responsibility for creating friendships with the right people.
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I would show up around people and force this down their throats; This idea of friendship; I would force it on the wrong person. I forced it on them like a salesman looking for a sale… I would promote it hard! And many the girl would get swept off her feet but never liked me to start with; and I was never her first choice and she didn’t care if she ever saw me again; and I meant nothing to her… she forget about me 3 minutes after I left for good… didn’t even care… Had contempt she ever met me or that I was trying to pick her up when I wasnt her type in the first place.
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So; This is getting deeper into things.
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Working with God for God to bring the right people.
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And maturing in this process with God… Still scary!
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This idea of friendship problems seems a source problem to look into…
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All I have to do is stop trying to Vet women that I mean nothing to…( this also translates into; they are in a higher lever league) And go in the opposite direction; Ill have to work with God on this and learn how to make real friends all over again from the beginning. Friends in my league level! That I will pray about.
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NOTE; In all cases; It was my Will run wild; Not Gods will. Gods will would have me wait and attract; Not promote… I would have never ended up at someones house and meet them. I would have been involved in some club or something and they discover me.. I would have never gone near them…
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A women at the meetings;
I saw a women tonight at one of my meetings; I was sitting at another table behind her table… I could see the back of her head and her shoulders and hair. And Ive always been attracted to her. I looked at her and found her adorable. And I had to stop there… Why? Because my picker antenna are completely broken. I am attracted to someone that has no respect or value for me… nothing. This women actually doesn’t seem to see any value in me. I know of her. I was fascinated by this.
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I know I suffer from the Madonna 304 Freudian complex… This means; the girls I actually really love I cant touch or wont allow myself to show sexual interest because they are angelic and mother like. Instead; I find blue haired304’s to have for a night ( In the past)… I can get intimate with them; but they are no one for me to have a relationship with… I don’t want one with them… So I have to look at this… I can have them for a night… But no further…
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Feuds theory; some other psychologists suggest it means one has sexual feelings for his mother. Well; maybe in 6th grade for awhile… I guess; Im trying to remember… I suppose… But I mean; Really?????
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Also; Another psychologist expanding on the theory suggests; This is a sign of Hating women; Women Hatred. They also suggest this. So Im thinking; Ok do I hate women. I mean; like a monster. Well; Im more protective from women so I don’t get slaughtered emotionally. Actually I love them… But then I probably love little soft little rabbits to! Anyway!
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I don’t know.
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I think Ill start with the idea that my antenna are broken when it comes to friendship..( I find all the wrong contestants to attempt meaningful friendships. I have to let God do his work and I stay out of it… This is going to be a big big change for me; on this subject of friendship… Oke… I pick the women that cant stand me or have any respect for me or value and I try to make them my friends… Im not even sure who the nice women are that would actually value my friendship; Thats what Ill be working with God on.
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