July 2025
June 2025
Things are changing….
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Today; Im coming back to life a little bit; Only; under Gods care… Maybe I can put it another way. As I move under Gods care concerning occupation/relationships, And I sit on this God pathway and wait on God… ( I need God to direct me); As I sit on this God pathway; I know there is only one direction; Gods pathway… And I am under God… I am on my knees praying out to God; for Gods guidance and direction…
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THE BEACH AND THE WATER; A philosophical story…
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Beaches in this story mean many things; altho Ive been on a few beaches; Im speaking of many similar things but using Beach concept as a front to these other tales…
I have found many beaches in my life; sandy escapes; n sandy scapes; and they appeared at first as something to fall in love with; to fall in love with the beautiful water; the coastal blue warm water and waves… and soon I felt committed to swim in those waves… and I loved my beach; and I knew it was the right direction for me; the right direction everyday; and everything felt great; and I became committed more n more.
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I had fallen in-love with the beach and the water waves and I knew this was the way for me. It felt so right; so safe and secure. I knew the beach and waves were my friends and taking care of me. I loved my little beach and my wave life; jumping in the waves everyday and every morning… I loved swimming in my waves… I knew I had found what I was looking for; for the rest of my life.
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THE COFFEE SHOP!
After several months on the beach; One day before I entered the beach; I went to the coffee shop in town; and on entering the coffee shop; I saw a strange man and we began to talk… He began to tell me about God. And we talked about God… And more n more I had remembered God from my youth. I talked with this man at the coffee shop several times. And soon when days past; I was talking more n more to others; and God would come up in the conversations; We valued God and wanted to know more about God… I felt a strange pull; something started making me a bit anti social to the way I was living; it was the spirit of God; the spirit of the universe; it was pulling me to join it… I was seeking God and God knew this and was keeping for me; Seeking me… and wanted me to go down a specific direction toward God; thus; to keep me. God was opening the door to join him… And every time I attempted to go to the beach; more n more crazy people; unattractive people would show up and began to talk about the truth and telling the truth and how they had been victims of those lying and its better to be honest then popular and so on… It was kind of a creep show after awhile; but I begin to get a specific kind of message. The message was; I could not nor would God send me to KINGS Houses with worldly people to find God… God would send me only to those who already seek’d God. God would not send me to places that were Godless…
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The BEACH;
One day several months later; while rummaging in my favorite water on the beach; Something startled me. And I saw it; from an angle; from far away; as I closed in closer to the outside ocean; as I swam just a little bit into the waves at a deeper pace;
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.SHARKS….
I could see sharks; ( SHARKS); Sharks were in the distance; playing; rummaging; chasing each other. They seemed kind of everywhere …More on the outside of my swimming space; my territory in the water… but close enough; I could see them frenzing around with each other like a wolf pack; the splashing of water and frantic motion of mindless sea scalping; I sat their in the water stunned… I immediately recessed backward out of the water onto land. And my opinion of my wonderful beach life changed…
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As I crawled onto the beach from the ocean; my beloved beach; I began to see things; things I had never seen before; see things differently; my eyes began to open; I looked in directions on the beach I had never looked at before; I looked far north and then far south… Suddenly I saw it; small shadows of signs… signs on the beach walls; Signs I had never seen before… I slowly crawled cautiously and then walked over to stand in front of the signs; And they read; ( NO SWIMMING: THIS BEACH IS CLOSED BECAUSE THE WATERS ARE FILLED WITH SHARKS; PLEASE TURN AROUND AND HEAD BACK THE WAY YOU CAME: THIS BEACH IS NOT SAFE FOR HUMAN HABITAN(T)Z).
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I stepped back on my truly beloved beach; I looked at the whole picture; the sand the waves and the ocean and more n more I could see signs had been posted everywhere… But I had never seen them… They had been their as long as the beach had been their…. It was I that never saw them. I never thought about such things….
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FOOLED FROM THE START:
My innocence did not allow me to see the signs on the beach that suggested the beach was not safe. The fact I was not in a direction with God nor interested in spiritual depth-full matters; I never saw the beach from a God perspective or a spiritual perspective until I started getting exposed to God. The universe could not help me or save me or protect me if I was not asking for help or to be rescued or taken care of or saved by God… I was not looking at the beach with God eyes at First; and thus; I never noticed anything wrong…
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When my eyes began to become opened from the universe; only then did I see my beloved beach had lied to me; It was never safe in the first place… Thus; I had made a mistake on whom or what I had fallen in love with; I had fallen in love with this beach and its waves and its way of life; Only to find out several months later it was never safe in the first place… It was a lie!
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THE BEACH DECEIVED ME…
The beach was not the True Love of my life I was looking for; IT was a mimic of what I wanted a true love to look like… I was so enamored by finding the beach; I had a kind of tunnel vision and only saw an empty beach and its waves… Only after I put an eye on God or called out for something deeper in my life; only then did people start showing up around me telling me about God… and only then did I began to see God as more valuable to focus on then the general surrounding of where I lived…
Suddenly re entering the beach; I saw all the red flags I had never seen before… Red Flags everywhere… Flags telling me to stay away; This was a Devil beach; not a God beach…
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I saw the red flags because the God spirit within me from the universe was revealing the real nature and true essence of the beach… Suddenly the beach was not safe; It was not safe because it had never been safe… It was actually a dark pit of hell… but I had never seen it…
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It was God that allowed me to see the signs that said; NO SWIMMING; DANGER….
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And now; I know better to go on beaches God did not sanctify…
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Going in a direction with God is not free; Suddenly those things I had easily been visiting and those places I had been staying before I met God; suddenly after knowing God; I was not interest in them anymore; I began to see just how un Godly and Un Safe they are for a God person like me. I depend on God for my safety; and Thus; God helps me out…
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Under God! What does it mean; IT means; In my fantasies I might THINK Im someone; Think I Im going to meander into a life and be noticed and worshiped by everyone and everything.
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PARTNERSHIP WITH GOD!
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So; Here it is; I have a working partnership with God… That means; I purposely tell God where Im at every minute… and that becomes normal; As God is part of the management team. I mean; the universe is the source; and the universe God has the answers and the ability to teach me how to have a manageable life.
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Reality is hard for me… So; I work with a higher power like the higher power is taking care of me. I look up to my higher power and my higher power is my mother and father who is taking care of me… Thus; I work with my higher power all the time; especially now that Im interested in moving toward reality a bit more…
Its very hard; coming closer into the edge of my protective move vs reality… Its like dropping of a giant cliff in the Grand Canyon; its like an endless drop for ever; its a long ways down…
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I come to the end of myself; but I have another aspect of myself; many aspects of myself taking off forward working with my GOD-partner in self management; God; and they are building pathways and looking at and coming up with plans to build bridges across this abyss… its already started; but I can only go as far as my little heart will take me… I can feel this is present.
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NOTE: I want to say; all that Im talking about is what was present when I was 4-6-7-8 years old; what I thought was my future… So; when I think I have a home and a family that is looking after me and Im safe; this is what happens… God is present and I have friends and a future; good things are in my brain…. .
And that is whats happening now as I land this flying saucer into the imagination of my backyard…
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So;
Relationships;
It continues to look like; My higher power knows who I am suppose to be with; My Job is to work with my higher power to get better; try to become present with Gods help; going down Gods pathway; and get up to speed and equality with whom ever Im meeting…
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NOTE: I have to learn to be trust worthy and not run off.. Ill work with God on this.
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I have to learn to trust my higher power…
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Today; I broke through and feel worthy; at-least to the level of what Im looking for in others.
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So; that has broken through; but is it enough or am I strong enough; NO! I believe I have much more work in this areas; but actually breaking through to a point of worthiness has been accomplished by God concerning some levels of relationship. I know what Im looking for… Now; I have to learn to stick to my goal and not drop any standards; just keep at it until God sends a pathway for me to travel down. God knows what God is looking for…
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OCCUPATION:
So; I am to work on
1. Plastic Model Kits
2. Play my assortment of many video games; Most Ive never looked at; and the other few Ive looked at; Ive played on Super easy mode over n over n over; only scratching the beginning lyrics of this Video game Rap songa! Meaning; Ive only plaid the presentation of games; hardly even gotten started in them; those few Ive played with; maybe 7 games…
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I luv luv luv my Video game experience Ive had for the last several years…
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So; It started in 2018; With three games…
In During/after (COVID); 2021 to now; about 2 years exactly; With Gods help and permission and direction; I bought my first ever PC gaming machine… always wanted one; but never felt good enough or worthy to be part of anything. And with the help of dept and a credit card and good advice from friends who have played video games for 40 years. I bought games.. But I want you to know; most were on sale/ but not all. On average; with all my investigation of the kind of games I like; and I did study all or most of what I bought… What a nice way to spend my money I didn’t have; How nice. I will say this; It shu waz funn! Ill tellya that!
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NOTE: Covid money and lots of prayer and maybe a relative helping or such…
However; I prayed about the whole time before and after; The whole experience of video game playing came to me from the universe; ( Its a developmental thing). I was in my bed and depressed and agoraphobic… I was OKE… Id been to the recovery process for a long time; I was solid; I was not going to hurt myself or anything; But; with AVPD and Agoraphobia and dissociation conditions; I could not move from my bed for several months… I wasn't completely stuck like a real serious agoraphobic; I mean; Ive been their before; but I was tho; I was stuck… I just never left my bed or my room. I was not in bed; I was on the bed watching YouTube and other things most of the time; I just couldn’t leave my room; I just laid on the bed kind of dumb…. And I stayed for; I mean 6 months; had no reason or thought or feeling to leave; The outside world to much for me. I still attended certain 12 step meetings… Other then that; nothing really.
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GAMING MACHINE PC…
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I did pray and ask God to help me; What would it take for me to get up and actually sit at a desk just like I had a job and was part of the world; what in the world would it ever take to get me out of my room and off my bed… I mean; I had no motivated idea.. However;
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THE UNIVERSE KNOWS:
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Suddenly I began to get these ideas from nowhere; from outer space; they ended up in the center of my mind…
And they simply said; “ BUY A VIDEO GAMING PC”… IT was that simple. And the next day; checking my finances; and God helped; I bought one… IT was perfection for getting me onto a desk table outside my room. From then on; you would find me outside my room at a new desk with a gaming pC; playing video games.
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Ive now been at my outside desk ever since… I did pray about all my purchases and where it was going and why… I mean; God has been directing the whole thing from the beginning… Im OK Now.
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I really don’t buy anymore video games; I moved on from that developmental representation of my childhood; worked through it… And a natural element moved me on to Music creation equipment… More into a calling…
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I still play video games; they've been great for my pre development work ethic concept…
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Dissociative disorder has made it hard to interact with anything and video gaming has really helped as a tool to help me get to a “ back n Forth” experience conducting with something in front of me… When I cant take to much IN MY FACE information from the video gaming challenges; I simply turn it all off and walk away; No harm done; no forced panicking or picnicking… I just shut it down and leave… Perfect; However; I really love my video games… its part of my main hobbies; I have 2 main hobbies; Plastic model kits and Video games.
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I have a calling for the ARTS; That means I love the Arts and love to create in the disciplines of the Arts; Music; Art; writing; video and singing and stuff and….. This is a calling; not a hobby. I have Hobbies such as video games and Plastic model kit building. I have Callings such as Art music creation… and writing stories.. I have recreational interests such as mountain biking and at times Disk golf; When my shoulders arnt fried from tendinitis…
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Ive never had an occupation ( Something Im working on right now; the concept of getting re established as a human being through God so I can get over the hardness and look into this concept).; my nervous system was destroyed when young; could never handle the stress of anything and could never stay present anymore; to much traumatic shocks to my system with no way to protect myself; and to much durational length to the abuses I experienced.
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OCCUPATION PRACTICE….
Today; working with the universe; The universe has me start with plastic model kits and video games and mountain biking and music creation and stuff like that; This is the occupation I start with for now; Under God…
Ill talk to God on a daily basis if this will continue or nothing; or; as I continue and progress down this experience working ladder; work ethic of hobbies; Ill talk to God on where I take the next step when ready; if any….
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MUSIC;
Im not new to music interest; Im new to actually caring about developing in it and doing the work to make it an occupation or even a workable hobbyist level… Even tho it is a calling.. One must start somewhere… I am new to working at music in any managable work ethic manner that develops a working model to perform successfully in the outside world. I seem to want the fiery feelings of performing music; but I don’t want to work for them; And that is changing as I feel more safe in the world.
This is its own special work ethic flow; Im still new to it… I haven't developed a work ethic for it. In fact; I may just now; starting to become teachable for the universe to suggest a few moderate experiences that can build music creation responsibility and maturity.
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WORKING WITH GOD;
So today; Im heading back to my childhood again; meaning; Im already that child kind a; I mean; its not there yet but it looks possible; Im working with God again the way I was working with God when just a little boy in the backyard…
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THE PROBLEM;
I wont have the same friend ( friends); or should I say fake friends for support; Ill have to feel what it is like to come back as my original self but knowing no one else is present; I have few people from the past; but non of those well important friends I thought I had as a child; No one seemed to need friends on that side of the neighborhood… I guess they were 2 important… Who knows ( and I really cared). I thought the whole world would accept me because I was such an intelligent nice kid… The point is; Ill be asking God for the right neighborhood friends again… and the right neighborhood. Ill work toward it under Gods care; but ill keep asking God about it…
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NOTE: ( Asking God for the right neighborhood)( My o MY; This is new). Owe my! This is a whole lot a luv’n…?). I do know… OKE… Ill start this process; My God; How cool; If I could become a nighborhood kid again; even tho Im old; I mean; to be back; ya know. We will see!
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I still have much work to do… I have allot of growing to do… Im just starting to wake up to this first level of awareness…
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