July 2025
June 2025
First; Im not in reality; I was thinking about the women that liked me. I thought I was super man; narcissist man; to good for anyone; totally in love with myself; these girls that liked me; must have liked me because Im superior. Wait a minute; Im on a disability for dissociative disorder but I come off as college graduate middle class with no problems. I mean; they know I have problems. Its in my mind. But what do they see. They see a guy on disability who is not working... And they give me a chance and I throw it around like Im somebody; I have to wake up...
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I should have slept with every single women that wanted me... It was an act of delusion that I didnt and not appreciating what I had because I was living in some altered dissociated dream world where I was a child being taken care of and from a middle class background and their nothing wrong with me. Well; its like living in a closed imprisoned mind that does not know its 2021. not knowing where Im actually at. Ill write another blog on it.
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The reason I cant get close to women is my mental disability; nothing else; not them; not my past not their present or past,. its my mental disability cant handle interactive reality like that. The best I can do is learn to talk to them with immediacy and tell them whats up... and that Im interested in them but I have problems; and the shame of disability is horrible but living with the scares of the past and the mental delusions of the present is also horrible . So; Im starting to get it.. no wonder I stayed away from women; who wants to tell them im crazy and they shouldn't take a chance on me; its not safe. Im not normal; Im a sexually abused throw away; who would want me. And who would understand... Thats what I have to work through; what happened to me does not define who I am; Man; this is going to take a while to figure out....
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I have to wake up; This is the part thats not in reality; Im not respecting the women that like me. Im not respecting that they like me; Im acting like I can take them or leave them because? And this is causing me problems; its the CPTSD; its got me belligerent and angry like someone owes me and Im fine. Im not fine; My mind is melded to the past and I cant even work. I should be grateful for anyone women that looks my way and Im going to have to start acting like it. This really kills me because I have a big ego about women; because? So; Im getting it... Its about me responding to them right now because I have someone that really likes me even tho Im not even working... Man or man I cant handle this reality stuff; its so hard; ive been so ashamed of everything; I could not get near anyone.
I just wrote a blog about hitting the next step; I slept for awhile; woke up; and got so many strong answers; Im on the next step.
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The abandonment work and the developmental work is to get me back to being a healthy 8-9 year old; Why? independent 9-10 year old; why? Because I can take it from there. What does that mean; it means im in my full element and dont need anyones help. It means Im doing what im suppose to be doing; I'm doing it and feel good inside. And that is starting to happen. I see playing with plastic model kits and having my own truck.... I see healing; I feel healing; healing thats beyond being bullied in high school.
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I swear; I dont understand. I cant seem to come up with a solution to the High school bullies; I dont see it. they surrounded me when I got their and controlled me the whole time I was their; my senior year. I was new... I dont see a solution. I just dont. And Im working with God trying to understand what I was suppose to do. " Come on God; Give me F_cking Answer to this; who's side are you on".
I dont get it... Everything was ruined. Was that the way it was suppose to be; all of my schooling; destroyed. everything. What? All my experiences... All of my social experiences.
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OK; So; Bought a bunch of plastic model kits the way I was suppose to; and it helped to being me a sense of 8 year old independence... And safety; One of the biggest factors in development is feeling safe in the present. And thats what my neighborhood afforded me when I wanted to develop when young; safety. I had a neighborhood and a house and the shell of mother/father/brothers/cousins/aunts uncles/Grandparents...... of course; all of that was gone once I was discarded; all things were gone...
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So; God is getting those things back; and Im seeing the child level friends I had that meant so much to me; and they were gone because I was moved. Thats important; I had my own little world; and I had their houses to roam in. I had my friends I visited after school... and Im starting to remember; and God will help me to remember.
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Im starting to get back to a point of wanting a truck; a real one; so; Ill save for it. I was suppose to buy the model kits and do other things first. and I am. The visualization of this girl I loved that is part of it. From the past.
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I really like this guys truck. but not yet... But Ill pray about it.
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Friends when I was young... Im starting to see myself outside their house... snow.. Im seeing it...
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Three Asian Soulmates.
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I created the soulmates Ive brought to the rooms that liked me. I created them; they came. One of them was my best friend. Im sitting in here shocked; and tell myself I didnt know that. But in reality; I did know it but could not come to grips to deal with that kind of human closeness; not after what happened to me when young. I blocked her; she tried to be close to me for a few years. I ignored her; finally the other women in the group told her to join them; suddenly she was not interested in me any more and I was a weirdo she should stay away from. A few years went by and as I started to come out of my trauma a little bit I began to see her in a different light and started to give her a chance; it was to late. She treated me like I was a cat and she was holding the string; I gave up immediately... I went my separate ways; kind of heartbroken and sad... saddened.. She had been brainwashed that I had no status in the group; The truth was; non of those people in that group could compete with me; probably; So; why didnt she see any value in me; that was the biggest sadness. Why didnt she see any of it. Why didnt she see any worth in me; Thats the most frustrating part. I didnt get it. She had already liked me for a long time; chased after me for a few years. But now I was a weakling to her because someone else told her I was... but the people brainwashing her didnt know a thing...
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I dont change the minds of people against me; I dont chase people; I walk away; I dont come back. Lately Ive been thinking about that girl and realized she was my best friend. God had sent her ready to go. I was the one who could not respond. But now; Im looking back in real sadness; My God; she was my best friend. And I lost her... but I didnt loose her; it had nothing to do with me... Thats the crazy part; all of this is the crazy part. Maybe I was wrong. Its almost like these are hidden thoughts within my head but in real life no one knows. no one cares... Its such a shame; so weird. But I took it to God just now; presented a case against God concerning this; What was God thinking; bringing me a girl but not allowing anything to happen between us; F_ck; I mean; how long is this going to go on.
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Im just now starting to rise. Just now things are slowly starting to come back to me. So; what was the point of these other women liking me if I could not respond to them; nothing makes any damn F_cking sense. Im wondering why God is playing games with me. He brought me soulmates. But I cant do anything with them. She was my best friend. Im seeing that; but what good does it do me now. Nothing. I guess; I mean; its like; " O" "thats nice".
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Another women was brought to me; Another Asian soulmate; I would have hooked up with her.. Maybe. But this was another case of a women spending to much time with other men; she wasn't in her place; so I didnt respond; I pulled back in disgust. I went freeze mode and refused to talk to her or be around her.... She tried to get my attention and blame me for her being with someone new because I didnt pay any attention to her; Thats not true; she ended up with another guy because she wanted to... I had a second chance with her; and she did the same thing right in front of me again; I went into freeze mode and never talked to her again. Never interfered with her and her other man. Stayed back while she opened up to that guy. Im worth more then to be treated like that; ridiculous...
However, asking God about this; She was sent to me as a best friend Asian soulmate... And did nothing wrong; I did not respond to her in time. But she was my soulmate #2
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Soulmate #3. This happened 15 months ago. She showed up; I thought she was Asian. She was not; she was Mexican; She had a look that at first was hard to tell because so many Indonesian women have mixed blood and they look exotic but not fully Asian. So; this women could have been Asian maybe or maybe not.. She was not but looked exactly the part I had in my mind completely. I mean completely. This women hit on me over over from the beginning. but I froze up. This went on for 3 months;. I couldn't budge; ITs only been lately that Ive been freed up somewhat from Dissociative disorder and this women didnt know a thing about it. Nor would she have understood the issues involved with it; my behaviors.
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Talking to God about her; After several months I softened up; and allowed myself to Talk to her and I did a few times... but then pulled back. later after working with God; I softened up maybe again; and thought about it; giving her a chance. But as I was about to make a move; another man at the same time made a move on her. She knew all of this. She knew what was going on; she saw it all. she allowed it; And because of that I pulled back and went silent for good; ghosted her completely. I had to watch them court each other or weeks and then date for months in front of me. almost targeting me; making a fool out of me as if I was a weakling; nothing new; Ive been through all of this before with other women.... I walked away from this shaken and heartbroken kind of; in shock that I was dealing with that kind of sinister person. Why didnt I know; I guess I did; thats why I never asked her out in the first place; I observed and prayed about it all the time.
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So; here I am now... Getting better... Hopefully my childhood life will return within my memories; the real me will return. I will do the work for the real me to return and I think that will happen...
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As for these women. I guess not.... I mean; they were all part of my re growing process in the recovery world... Im not sure what they were doing for me; why God put them in my path; I guess I asked for them but nothing ever came of any of them. I dont get it.... I had to walk away from all of them. They all introduced new men into the picture; all of them in one way or the other and THEY WERE OUT... GHOSTED.... AND THATS THAT...
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I saw one of them the other night. No contact; I mean; Ill never talk to her ever again. I guess God was allowing me to have some fun and experience some attention I guess... while I was going through this nightmare of recovery process. But I never got to get involved with these women; maybe they were all pathological and God didnt want me involved. I dont know; its all sad to me. It keeps me asking; WHEN AM I GONG TO HAVE MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND>.
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As Ive mentioned in my blogs before; Ive attracted all of them; women. But no relationships. After I saw what B_TCHEs they were; I Ghosted them immediately; I did not sleep with them; I dropped them on the spot... And that was that... I moved on out of there as fast as possible.
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The 2 areas I dont tolerate with women; 1. anything other then being subordinate in the courting process; anything else; Shes out. She gets inline and stays in line or shes out. She has to show shes faithful to only me; no one else. She has to be humble or gone during that process.
2. Better not be any sign of any interest in any other men; No men; nothing. Nodda; or shes out right now! and all of them flunked this test.... And they were out immediately... I dont play games; Ive had 1.4 million women like me in my life; Im a man that does not have to play games...
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However, Im old now. Im not sure why a women under 25 wanted me so badly; last year; God sent her as a soulmate; but she blew it... And I dont get it accept to say God sent her for my development not for a relationship.
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\I think what God is saying to me is; when Im better; ill be able to stand my ground with a women in front of her and get her interest. Thats been the biggest problem; Im not present for that kind of thing. I havent been....
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So; God is taking me on a journey to become that person; back again; whole again; being Able to stand in front of someone and talk to them. Most of the women that have liked me; they came to me...
Anyway; its been a mental illness nightmare... I think most of these women realized I was mentally ill and got out of their. I could not respond to them correctly and they moved on... let me be; its happened before. The women that have liked me dont have allot of depth.. or training or education in these areas; I mean; who would.... But they dumped me for someone else; thats what happened; they kept the door open and then dumped me....
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These women do not reflect on their behavior nor care; they got their status from their other girlfriends of being a women that can get men. The problem is; not of it is under God; So; I may have had to learn; God was showing me what I didnt want. I was asking for Asian soulmates but not Asian soulmates that followed God; were on their knees to God all day long. Im not sure any of those women that were interested me in wanted anything to do with someone like me... I dont think they had much conscious; they were all sexy hot girls; and have had a life of getting any man they wanted and turning down the rest. I did not see God in any of them or this. I did see a soul in them of interest for me but not for God; thus meaning; They we're under no rules. They were lawless.
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Im realizing that the women that liked me didnt really want to connect with me. They didnt really was to sit own and talk t me the way I like to talk. In fact; my intellectual ability to talk has not be noticed or connected with by anyone; so I stayed silent.
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I would like to talk to people at my level; I will pray about this and have a girlfriend that does the same and I will pray about this. Non of them wanted to talk to me or accept me at my level; it was almost like they were using me. And when they couldn't get what they wanted; they dumped me.... thats is very close to what this is about; and those are not the kind of people I want as a girlfriend and God must have known that... So; I havent met my girlfriend yet...
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My voice; my ability to talk and intellect usage... That will have to be connected correctly. I tried; I did; but I just walked away in confusing and frustration.... I knew deep down the girls liked me but they also liked everyone else. And if I didnt respond to them in time; they had men in waiting that would. And that seemed more important to them then I am. In fact; I dont think I was important to them at all but they were important to me... But they didnt want to know that... it didnt matter to them...
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Guitar.... Being able to play in a band singing and playing guitar... My voice is tenor but not very high. its a kind of mix baritone and tenor; a strange combo for a band. So; Ill have to pick songs I can sing... I used to be a drummer but I blew my shoulders out lifting weights. So; drumming Is over with for the most part... So; Im moving on to guitar; but Ive never felt safe enough to do anything; to much PTSD and memories of being thrown away; to much pain from it and shock and pure fear... terror.... So; now Im feeling a little better because of God... I want so badly to heal up more and get my life back; Get God to heal me up so memories dont need to be anymore and I can be present again...
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9th 1oth 11th grade; horrible nightmare; I want those things explored and gone... all of it.. I want the real me to come back; Ill pray about it.
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