July 2025
June 2025
Im waking up; this is very important..
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I have dissociative disorder; severe... I have now successfully shown signs of waking up.
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I remember who I was; I was an Honer student type when very young. I remember my mother the psychopath; that was on the other side of things; I had to try; to struggle to become and stay who I am when very young. But it was a losing battle; more n more as time went on I was slipping away.
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Now; because of long long vast work and God and the recovery process; I remember who I was; originally; Im what you would call an Honer student; that type of successful person; that was my future as I remember being me.
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This is extremely important for me right now because its a direct link back to the beginning of my life where its untouched by the monsters and sexual abusers and psychopaths that were hurting me or trying to destroy me when young. This is a complete re emergence of self.
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This is the me that would have gone on and done great things; lived my life; had careers; done well in school; gotten married had kids and families and so on. And this part of me is back; it is me.
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Im not well; Im not strong; but my identity is coming back. So; where do I go from here. I dont know.
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Im working with God; aligning with a higher power. Because of my inner connection with the universe ; I dont have to go back to the beginnings of that physical life and relive it at those physical places or those time periods; For example; if I was suppose to be a great student and involved in life; I dont have to go back to 3rd grade and start over; and of course that would seem ridiculous; kind of.
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In many cases that is not ridiculous; the universe would create ways for my redevelopment of that time period; But that has already happened; Ive already done all that work... This is different.
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What is happening to me now is; Im waking up as myself as if I'm back as a child; as if its a sunny day and Im at a friends house down the street and I've got my whole life ahead of me.
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However, it will require God to come in and take over and show me the varied pathways to go from here.
This is great news because it means the monsters have lost.
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I was in a state of suspended animation. I was not here; not present. I was more schizophrenic like through most of my mental illness. Not now.
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However, I am still at a lower level schizo... My mind is still weak; still broken; but I'm present. And my head is kind of clear. It remembers the original me. I still have bouts of brutal PTSD rage from being attacked or controlled or accosted. I still yell and have outbursts and fights with ghosts that are not there... PTSD rage; flashbacks; suck.
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FLASHBACKS:
Something is changing in my flashbacks; I feel more expressive; more powerful; Like; I know what these are and Im allowed to remember what there really from; the dissociative disorder turning everything into amnesia; but Im remembering; MY GOD! This is all a God thing.
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ITs as If another me deeper down was watching everything I was going through and recording the pain and I never really believed in anything I was doing when young; I was just trying to survive. If that makes any sense. Im feeling it now because that part of me that had to be buried is starting to be real and take me over; its never done that before; this is the real me i may not have remembered; I seem to becoming empowered.. A part of me I don't remember is coming out and taking over. A very good part. All of this.
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God has created a safe place for him to become nurtured and grow and develop and He is Here!
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I'm beginning to remember what I was really fighting about and why!
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I was so repressed when young; I had to be. But I still reached outward and tried to make friends; its all I could do; hide in TV shows. Its all I had and it gave me hope.
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But later I will be buried for good.
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So I'm talking to myself and others that I see my head that are perpetrators; its brutal and it hurts but I'm feeling it; I'm not just the victim as before.
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This is completely new! all of this.
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I mean; I saw a video and within it was a student who was missing; poor kid; and they were an Honer student and it hit me; I mean; the same thing happened to me.
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I'm reliving trauma PTSD; But its different this time; I'm stronger and its a different stronger me dealing with it; its not my usual victim personality; This is someone different. and its not ON/OFF; the soldier personality.
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I think what is happening; this is the original me; the smart me; the me that had to be buried in the way beginning to survive.
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This is the first time I've been like this. But I remember glimpse of this personality when very young.
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I'm seeing sexual abuse and this personality cannot fight against that; he is cornered; but He's calculating; He's not scared; he just doesn't know what to do... So; Ill pray about this.
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And when I see the sexual abusers attacking me; This personality disappears; vanishes and is gone; This newer original personality.
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So; I'm praying about what to do when being sexually abused to keep this personality alive and calculating for an answer; and all ready with Gods help I'm seeing something because the universe can see behind the abuser at that same time I'm looking at the abuser who is in front of me; so I can see a much bigger area of escape. I can see myself running for it; dodging; but where am I going; I don't know yet. This is extremely hard calculations for this original personality that has come out now. I had no family; no where to go; no one to tell; I was trapped; I was a child. If I go to the police; I'm still trapped; I still have no family and I don't know where I will end up who with whom. I don't know; that does not seem an answer; I don't know; but Ill keep praying about it.
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Hiding behind my grandmother; heading out for goals; goal setting. Getting involved in goals; that's a start that's coming to me; its not much. I'm praying about now..
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And where do I go when its time I have to leave that place; Ill have to go to the coast and live with my mother at that time; is that the only choice. Ill pray about it right now!
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I don't know yet.
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Those years; 5th grade to 12th grade; answers please God! So; this is being taken to God... I expect answers for this from the universe. I see myself hiding out in a shack or an apartment or something; some place; but that's all; I mean; I get it but that does not make any sense yet.
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I'm seeing relatives to escape to but I was bullied in those situations as well; no place to hide; horrible. Fear and abuse. Dangerous actually; and I never knew this. I had no idea this kind of creeps where out there! It was not my family and not a safe place. And my fathers side of things; but not mine; they were complete strangers and my father was a complete criminal weirdo; I didn't know and his family was never safe and I never knew this; I had no idea; This ingrate knew the whole time.. my father. I was kind of set up. I should have just left but I was in such horror and mental pain with no real father; I was chasing my father why he wasn't acting like a father; I did not expect to be bullied on the work site or threatened. I was in complete shock. Really; and demoralized; here again was a situation with no hope; I was in the wrong situation being completely demoralized again through bullying. I was in a complete state of pancaking at that point; I could not defend myself. So many bullying experiences; One after the other; no matter where I went. over n over n over n over.
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I'm taking it to God for help right now to see what answers the universe comes up with. Where was I suppose to be or what was I suppose to do with my life.
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So; escaping the bullying question has to be addressed; God has to address this and help me.
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Biggest issue I see is bullying. Years and years of it and being completely alone with no one; no escape. I can kind of see an escape when in earlier grade school but that is all. I'm not sure after that; what to do. So; Ill have to work with the universe on how to address this. Ill keep working on it; praying about it.
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Im trying to imagine? What do I imagine; that i have an escape rout. I guess; I don't know; Ill work with the universe; facing the bullies or what ever was not the answer... getting involved with them was the problem; but they found me. So; I'm not sure. I could make a giant list of every bully from the beginning. I had no where to hide; I did not have time become a fighter; that's simply out of the question. I mean; Id have to have become a whole other personality. I was simply alone with no support; I guess I could pray for support or for the right direction and help; because this goes back to the psychopaths and holding off from them from the beginning of my life; that's the beginning of this; how do I jump from freeze or faun mode from them in the beginning. Ill pray about it. I'm still trauma bonded; I can see it and feel it. Taking scraps is better then taking or having nothing; that's how I had to deal with it. I'm not even sure where to dump all this; talk about all this; I don't know where or how or what to relieve or where. Ill pray.
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Hopefully Ill get over this horrific nasal infection that has plagued me with massive constant coughing ; dreaming me crazy.
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Ill have to pray on this one. I've had to dissociate so many times around bad people because I felt forced to be around bad people; low self esteem; I had no choice. However, looking back I'm starting to see that I do have a choice. Some of those people were family members; I just didn't understand. I do now.
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Ill be writing off line about bullying and see what happens hopefully I can get out of the passive aggressive repressed rage mode type thing; but I guess; if I need a therapist Ill ask God about one.
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I had to play the dummy. I had to silent dummy; that's all I could do. And stay to myself.
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