July 2025
June 2025
Changes continue to flow forward…
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NOTE: Things are not perfect in my life; Im just barely being presented with the tools from the universe to start a different climb out of the abyss… Im stuck in areas; gaps exist in many areas. Im lost immature and unskilled in areas.
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I continue to grow; its a kind of elastic flow… like lava I think… one may not notice movement at first; but over the course of days and hours sometimes; changes occur… I guess… Im just watching the constant flow of things.
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NOTE: At some point; Ill be strong enough to have my life back( cautiously speaking; Praying for this to happen). This will over ride what I went through as a child. The force of God Universe will move me forward beyond; one step at a time. I will certainly be working through it one moment and memory at a time processing lightly; not to appoint of more traumatic damage tho. However; I'm gaining ground in the present because of my continued connection and dependency and asking for help from the universe God. Im being pulled back into my original childhood and my original life and my beginning original self. Im being pulled into safe spaces and concepts of that time and anything else is being drifted off. My imagination is becoming of use again aligned with God, myself, my inner being; inner child… Things are becoming right sized ordered again under the universe and things seem to be working together as a engine in the universe. Most of my work is in my imagination and when it develops in my imagination with the help of God Universe; when it shines and its ready to brought into the real world I seem to naturally start doing things in a more free delivery..
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Ive recently very much gotten over love interests from the past. Its very much a cave man thing. I went to the universe for help. This kind of man development is pure biology. Its like being a stone taken under a mountain in hidden places for development; from clay into a tank… its a hidden biology only for men. Mens development and training ground…
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Men are Cave Men… I am the same man that existed 1 million years ago… We are both in need of a clan that helps develop us. Nothing has changed.
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I had nothing when young; and wondered off around unsafe people; people who took advantage of me and used me when I did not know what was going on; thus I was destroyed.
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Because of my work with the universe; and having recovery groups and to learn about success based thinking and many more things; The universe is moving me onward beyond what limited me before… This has happened in small beginning training ways… However; Im interested in the bigger concepts of working through pathways and creating new bridges through God; bridging over gaps that finely take me back to society through over and be beyond trauma bonded co dependency.
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FIRST LOVE; Is it even worth mentioning? It has been worked out enough under the care of the universe. It still needs to be mentioned until even the ghosts hiding in the back of my eyes are gone.
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When young;
The last false relationship concept I conjured up in my head when concerning a young women; This has finally resolved through the insights of the universe. I called out for help; The universe came. I will say this. Thank God for the universe God Jesus and the recovery world; I started on it just in time that even in my last years on planet earth; I can see freedom from this mess I got myself into concerning these fake relationships I fell for… And I can be more cautious that when things appear to be innocent and to good to be true; Thats because they are! Nothing I did that got me into trouble with the wrong people; Non of this was sanctioned by God. God has me go in complete other directions; but I never talked to God… I just kind of did my own thing; and I ended up dead.
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Im now in a new kind of position; Im very much like someone who has never been in a relationship; Im new but with scar tissue. This means Im Back! The universe and the help of groups has helped me get over the first major area… This is the ancient construct of manhood; making past the first test… Because of this; I feel much better; I feel present and I feel God getting me back into alignment and leading me down Gods pathway. Concerning God; Gods will Not mine. And I can focus on Gods will for me; not some side venture or side tracked quest that led me deeper and deeper into hell; until I was so lost I had no way to get out.
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NOTE: I plan to have many things in my ancient old life before I go… My Time is slowly running out. I am dying of old age… And at some point; the clock that is running my heart will stop; as it is suppose to in the nature of things within the universe; However; before that happens; Im going to get as many TOYS as possible! ( Smile)!
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Im very lucky as many people never get this far; they don’t ever get over things of the past… They stay silently in pain; hopeless; trauma bonded; broken; broken heart’d; Overwhelmed. Not me! I realized today; Im not even lonely! ( smile)!
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NOTE; My life is filled with recovery meetings and spiritual inner work with God. So; Im never alone; I guess I would say because Ive been trained to go to meetings all my life; Im simply; at this point; never alone…
Hobbies: When Ive worked through survival mode issues for a the time being; I can go back to my tremendous hobbies of interest; They are waiting; Video Games; Plastic model kit building… Art and Music creation!
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Success based thinking process is also my hobby and a way of life. I use and study the same thinking processes as Billionaires; I liked to work this way; practice this kind of thinking and goal setting and the use of the universe for manifestations… And I use my Imagination all the time; its in full use now for the betterment and development of my personal life and successes… So; Im at it all day long; its all Ive got on my mind.
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Between all this work and my goals and meetings and hobbies and future developments Im creating; Im not lonely…. My mind is filled with future promise and possibilities. I strongly believe that if I can create what ever I want in my imagination and believe it.. through the help of the universe; it can appear before me… And that is my work on earth… And my work on earth is to daily tell others what I have discovered concerning how to live a better life; more sound safe secure and exciting and fulfilled dreams… And How I am working towards success… And the processes of fear anguish and the unknown as I am out on a limb taking chances discovering new ways and beliefs for the development of things only imagined I want brought into reality and full ownership.
Learning to move from Santa-Claus-land Disney-channel back to reality;
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NOTE: I fully believe in Santa Claus; Ive seen him. I snuk up on the roof top of one of the buildings at the local private university on Christmas eve; and I found his sled… He was drunk. I turned my head; I felt a whisked a wind; I turned forth only to find the sled was in mid air… him flying it; he smiled at me. He threw me a lighter; And he and his drunk wife disappeared into the clouds… The reindeer looked half starved and couldn’t keep the sleigh in a strait line ascending upward; He cussed at them and swore he would feed them to the elephants. His wife bucked over the door of the sled; she puked. I guess this was her Christmas present to the world below… Also below by Hundreds of feet on the outskirts of old campus bridge lay tweakers; meth addicts… He threw lighters at them as well; He ascend’d into the black sky. The wrestless tweakers; They just gave a jostled grey eyed dead stare as they mumbled to the edge of the concrete viaduct encased city river; they softly rolled over and fell into the river and floated away…. You could hear bubbles coming from their mouth.
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Getting over First Love;
Simply to get over something like this where both feet are now standing in reality on the other-side; stunned and shaky but Im here; to have made it this far; is amazing feat! Its an Amazing experience… IT literally takes me or brings me back to my childhood; a childhood view; living in the present again; as if Ive been untouched by the world…
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Its not easy keeping at it until the past has been pulled out of my intimacy and out of my body and the universe has moved me on. But it can happen; its happening to me and seems to have happened for me… The universe and work to face forward and smash through things until they were gone; the thoughts; the false reasoning; being controlled through my mind. All of that is gone… considering specific people ( First Love).
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FIRST LOVE is gone….
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More importantly; Im suddenly here again; but Im myself before I met First Love. And this has me stunned when I look at my mental condition; the lack of humans in my life at the time I was around FIRST LOVE>
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More importantly; It doesn’t matter anymore; Im not thinking about her.. And I don’t know what to think about that; or what to think about. Im new to not having a past to think about; Finally God helped me to see some of these scummy people for who they really are. Ive had a problem; Ive walked right into the pathways of scummy people and instead of getting the warning from the red flags; I ignored them and I will pay completely with my life. I seem to have a real problem with red flags; how to operate within boundaries. I had non. I was neglected; and later spoiled/neglected when I was at my Grandmothers house. Sexually abused and at the same time; bought a used car and they paid for everything gas insurance while all my rights were being violated… I could stay in their basement for years and not have to leave or work but I was being compromised as a human being to the point on trauma bonded non function… Anyway…..
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RESPONSIBILITY: Now; I have a responsibility to work with God to be responsible under Gods will concerning the choices of anyone the universe might I believe is being brought into my life. ( What does this mean); It means; God can bring people into my life; but that does not mean I have to accept them or take them… OKE GOD?
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I am responsible to learn how to take care of myself if things don’t work out; if I get rejected. Because I care about life I want to keep mine; and thus; must come up with a more mature approach when dealing with people and future love situation; Altho Im an old man… We will see.
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Im just so happy and grateful the universe has come through for me concerning this situation with FIRST LOVE>
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I cant say its entirely over within my delusional brain but I think it is; 2 much information has finally gotten to core of self concerning this person; she is finally starting to look no better or no more special then the other creeps that used me in my life… I bounced from them; I now have officially bounced from her; Her reputation has been tarnished within me.
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THIS IS REAL; She is finally gone…
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And I am left with a very strong feeling; Im much sharper in the present and much more focused…
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And I would like to talk about that focus; As; How I interact with the world around me is the most important aspect of this.
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Whats important is; Im moving on into what? Im moving on into what is right in front of me…. And that is not easy; I still get triggered by ghosts from the past.
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I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WHERE IM AT RIGHT NOW:
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Im in this strange place of being beyond. Im beyond yesterday now. I get to start over; but what does that mean? Is that good or bad? This is a true miracle of miracles; The problem is; its like being 13 again with no past; And that means; no growth has ever happened either… So.
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I have to start… That means; learning from my higher power all the techniques to slowly become responsible toward my life my goals.
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Last Night;
RAGE; Im hitting rage; PTSD rage… But who is it to… It not for the original people of the past; as Ive mentioned; they've been worked through.
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The pain Im feeling is moving forward.. Im somewhere. I may be on the other side of the bridge; Ive actually made it; but Cant move… Im stuck… I have to heal so I can come out of myself and move forward.
I might be mad because I have literally made it back into my childhood where at a number of areas I was stuck; and Im RIGHT THERE again; I can literally remember it; Im not really talking about PTSD. Im remembering those memories; Im not reliving those memories. Im reliving through those memories. A new created narrative has been sent by God that allows me to move forward from these old stuck narratives… I can find myself in those memories again; but now I can expand upon them and walk through them to another side and create new life experiences beyond them as if I was still their at that young age but moving forward into new steps.
maybe It is PTSD: new PTSD about areas I was not allowed to grieve before…
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Im back where I was when a child; However; no same friends this time ( all alone). I have a new narrative and maybe; to much for me to see and handle or maybe handle things differently this time; and I don’t know how yet. Ill have to bridge things; create bridges from one aspect of my lonely childhood to another.
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Im stuck; Im stuck the way bullies would stop me in high school and control me and bug me; Im stuck like that… right now as Im writing this.
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Its like Im between 2 worlds right now. Its like I got dropped of from the past right in the center of where I was left off as a child and left off at other time periods. And Im here now; And Im simply not used to doing anything but Dissociating or AVPD; Avoiding and suddenly Im hitting walls of rage…
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IT could be the faith and interest I put into people when I was young; Im re experiencing their low hatred of me; Im experiencing their betrayal of me. I thought they were such nice people when I met them; and they turned out to be worse then bad people; they turned out to be spoiled monsters; the worst possible nightmares. How could I have been so wrong.
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So; Im experiencing it; a strange completeness; not incompleteness; I think. Im experience parts of me coming together; the gap between my past and the present or a gap between 2 sides of myself split down the middle when in childhood; they are coming together… As I make new foot prints into the snow of those old time periods; new foot prints beyond the dividing lines of where I was cut off from myself and my life when young; Ive just realized I may be able to surpassed them. Ive just taken steps beyond those limiting lines… Something like this.
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Im growing… I can feel it.
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Im in a state of rage because Im growing right beyond where Im at now.
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lately less n less have I needed to go to the meetings… Im slowly growing out of them… And I don’t know why; but I know I asked God for this.
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The universe is responsible for all this for all of this is what I asked the universe for; everything and its all happening…
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Ill keep working through meditation and re writing my narratives of each year of my young life; from 0-20. Ill just keep doing it.
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NEW NARRATIVES:
Im writing narratives as if I came from a different state with different educated parents who love me and care about me and my future. From ages 0-20. In my new narratives my parents care about my education and future and my safety and my day to day experiences. In my new narratives; Im experience quality people my parents know who I get to visit and work with and get help from and be connected to. In my narrative Ive got complete access to teachers from the schools who help me build my future within the school system.. help always along the way. And my parents believe deeply in God. And I live in a place very different then how I actually grew up.
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In my new narratives; I have plenty of adults who help me with outside relationships of any kind; helping me stay away from bad people who will and could set me up and use me and deceive me and destroy me if they could get their hands on me.
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When I write my narratives I have to allow myself to open up to the writing of them and its not easy. However; I do it anyway; and Ill keep at at…
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My goal is to slowly bring back everything Im missing in an adult life that never got developed.
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The universe God Jesus Of Nazareth has brought my life back so far; and will continue to have me grow and develop as I ask for help.
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Usually in situations in the very far past when in situations like this; I was alone and hooked up to no one. Altho things are not perfect right now. I have an avenue with God… Something Ive been working on for a long long time. And I have success based thinking skills; basic skills; Im always learning; Im not expert but I do confidently believe in them; using them. I believe they create results.
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I do have meetings; Im not alone. I have been stalked; I have some enemies at those places. However Im not alone and can work with God…
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My goal now; write up my goals and work for them in my imagination until I feel movement in my imagination that im getting closer to goals accomplished.
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MATURITY PROBLEMS:
Maturity problems; stunted growth has caused vast vast problems. Most of my stunted growth is in childhood and adolescence and then a vast amount of humiliated disarmament; as I was stripped of my humanity in junior high and high school. I was in a state of complete defensiveness… and learned helplessness.
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Sadly now; I realize all my grades were always sent to my parents or whom ever I was living with as a boy. No one cared; no one did anything for me. They saw I was getting F’s in school; who knows what the teachers reports were; but they kept it silent and never helped me; For they had planned on me getting nowhere in life; planned on it for the fun of it; the thrill of it… to destroy me for the fun of it; not just me; but my other brothers also; For the psychopath will have children for this very reason; so they can get their hands on innocent people to destroy…
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Where do I go from here. Well; I have allot…
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I am starting out within the present and a present that moves into the future…
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The last hold out personality was FIRST LOVE from my past. I asked for Gods help to neutralize her from my mind! that persons grip on me was strong; by having the universe show me this person was no better then many of the other fake friends I had when young; This might lesson the grip for I would value her less or not at all. And it was successful; It finally was proven to me. I had no friend their and no one who wanted to be friends with; it was finally proven to me from several different angles that I had no one! This was a complete stranger who was playing me when they could get away with it; and that's all this was. After the evidence proved this; it was not hard for me to move away from my interest in that person; in remembering them or the continued falsification of their role in my life. They never had any position in my life. They didn’t even know my life.. they were never interested in my life.
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In a true sense… I never really got close to them accept that one moment I said hello to them and introduced myself: ( And maybe I knew this); And even at that moment they were already scheming on how they could take advantage of me ( And maybe I sensed this and felt defeated before I started and just didn’t want to deal with that reality of another person rejecting me). They saw me as a weakling and a scumbag and with the lowest levels of hate… They hated me to the core!
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But it doesn’t matter; it doesn’t matter now; I've worked through it until the doors opened up on the other side and I walked through the other side into NOW( The present)! Into reality where I'm at now; That situation is now past… I made it to into another full aspect of my manhood; it feels like I past a test into my manhood; much like my kin from the stone age; Cavemen; its all the same man cave; secret biology.
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Im not ready to print yet; post; I want to talk more about deeper involvement and details of plans; but not yet; the universe has not described them yet to me.
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I will say this; Not only is their movement occurring in this time period ( the present); But there is movement occurring in different time periods of my life; it seems I am growing on several fronts of my past where I was shut off from trauma into stunted growth and developmental trauma disorder.
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NEXT STEP FORWARD>
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As I get stronger and better; The goal is; within my imagination; to create foot steps in first person pov; down a pathway to a bridge that Is over covering a Gap in my life; Walk across the bridge to the other side. The other side is land; that a base is created on or its a pathway to civilization; to the outside world.
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However; keep walking; go to another bridge emplacement over a large gap); that leads to an actual event outside in reality.
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NOTE: <Many bridges are leading to the concept of an actual event in reality; something I would take a guest to… Something real… real people real places. So; Im actually really getting closer to the idea of believing I can rebuild a life.
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What does this mean; it means; by way of the success based mind skills Im using and the laws of attraction; Im creating a new world in my head… and Im watching it grow.
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The idea here is that Im starting to see myself come out on the other side…
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That means Im getting strong enough to see myself outside doing things new… Because; the past is being conquered.. and Im walking over it in my imagination.
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What else does this mean; it means in my past as a child; I had dreams that never happened; Ill be walking over the top of all of that as well; I wont be dwelling on the fact I did or didn’t get a life when I was young; Ill be going right over the top of all of it into a new life anyway; creating it; simply because Im getting strong enough and connected enough. So; in a sense; Ill be creating new dreams for myself; but with new places and new people.
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Ive created I think at least 50-100 bridges or more or maybe less in my imagination reconnecting me to the next level of self; including bridges over gaps.. These are maturity gaps or work gaps or occupation disability gaps; relationship gaps… music creation gaps… These are gaps from being stripped of my childhood where no more development. I might be gap-ing from age 9 to age 14; creating a giant bridge over this time span; the bridge ending up on solid ground on the other side… where I can build a foundation… Something like that… Or then walk into society and building there. Ill be bridging all those gaps that kept me at a broken abused helpless child age maturity level where I could go no further then childhood. Ill be gap-ing over that into adulthood; or the outskirts of it and then walk right into society.
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Ive done several of these things; these pathway building ventures in my imagination; and it appears its working; Im being transformed from the past and no mans land; land of gaps into the present; Im finding myself on new soil; new territory… closer to reality; In reality. So its working I think.
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THE PROBLEM:
The problem is; Ill be walking literally over my past. And thats going to hurt and cause grief of loss…
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I have many areas of defeat from the past Ill be directly staring at as I create bridges over those time periods. When I was younger Ill be defeated in those past time periods. Ill have no way out at the time.
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Now; Ill be looking directly at those time periods literally feeling and seeing them again as I take steps over the top of them; These defeats from the past represent a kind of Gap I guess. And Ill be going over the top of them; They are old stories. these gaps take up my focus and I don’t care anymore. I no longer need to focus on them; Im not down n out to the point of always looking at the past anymore. Ive worked my way into a new way of thinking. The door is open; Im not giving any less value to what happened to me when younger; its just; I have the ability to create in society again; Ive been intellectually trained; educated and practiced at basic levels to look for SOLUTIONS in things; to problem solve through meditation and the use of the Universe.
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Its not that the past isn't scary and gruesome and I should be concerned or in fear; The fact is; Ive gotten stronger in ways; in specific ways that elevate my abilities to rise beyond my interest in what happened to me when young; Its not perfect. Now; my past; in several areas; its dead information. This is my life; but its dead information… Meaning; its past information where I ended up stuck and defeated broken and destroyed.
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Ive worked on allot of stuff. And Ive moved on from allot of stuff. Im literally at the point of being able to jump all of that stuff; jump over the top of it and keep walking beyond it; on new land that leads me back to society.
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So; it is possible to move on now; but pain is apparent…
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Im not there yet; but Im very close. When I start; Ill have to feel the grief of a lost life and life experience. And then jump forward… jump on or keep walking across that bridge that was built to walk beyond it. The original me is not left behind in these spaces of dark gaps; The original me has joined me in the present; that is why I can jump over these things; put a bridge up and walk over these past things.
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Ill be bridging into a present that many times I wanted to be part of but it was way over my ability or over my head in the past. I was all alone and that was over my head; I had no one… No one cared about me.
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IN THE PAST; I had no real friends but didn’t know it. As soon as I become insecure; they turned on me or they were never really with me in the first place.
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IN THE PRESENT: Whats interesting is; I still have no friends… Not the kind I wanted in the past; but Im much stronger now. No one from the past will be joining me thus; I must rely on God to bring the right pathways for growth and the right people to help. Ill be working on that…
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I never had anyone on my side when young; nothing; I was completely and all alone accept for all the fake people who never cared about me in the first place… I was lied to by many of these people; conned scammed. I didn’t know they were not my friends; and they weren’t… If I had known; I would have been away from them from the start; but I didn’t know.
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Now I know. So I am alone. This time; I accept that and work with God on solutions for things today. Today its about SOLUTIONS… Im in a space where that can be. And altho its still stressful; the outcome; not knowing the outcome. I mean; I have to pray for maturity and how to handle situations. Altho I don’t know the outcomes; The fact Im SOLUTION based is incredible considering the horrible insecurity I used to have. Really!
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However; Ive not been in the real world yet has this recovering person… Ive been on the outside of society; Ive been hidden in society; Ive been in recovery rooms in society; but not really out in society…
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So; this will be my first time as a recovering person who is half normal; who is present and more inline with reality and society.. Who is making goals for participation in society; And I earned all of it myself With Gods help and anyone else involved in my recovery process. Except the stalkers and manipulators who show up to cause me and others trouble.
Our partner
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