July 2025
June 2025
New Blog;
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Lets talk about relationships; all romantic relationships; not any specifics.. Not any specific person…
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Working with a higher power on numerous personalities of the past; a larger conclusions is occurring…
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From the ages of 35 and below; all people I dated; I meant nothing to them; any of them; Thats who I was dating; each person is the same; Its always the same conclusion; I meant nothing to them to start with; Not one had any value for me.
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What does this tell me about myself?
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Is this about them or me! Well its always about me. If I leave them out and consider them random strangers; What can this tell me about me.
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First; There will be no success with anyone ever. Thus; no success means the relationships will break apart at some point; And they always did. I was the one who broke things off because I realized I wasn't wanted or even liked; certainly not valued and at some point Id had enough and just walked away. I walked away in complete confusion.
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Why was I associating with people who had no value for me and I meant nothing to? Was this all I could get?
As I mentioned; Certainly there was no success here; and no success could ever be present in situations like this. If no success; what is the only other alternative; Failure… Thats for sure all that could ever come of these events. Why or how did I end up this way? What do I need to fix in the present if Im going to meet someone compatible… Is that the word Im looking for; Ill pray about it.
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I would say I never seemed to go after anyone that had any other feelings toward me then how they could use me lead me on dislike me… Or should no possibility or aptitude for valuing me; In several cases; These people could do no better then seeing nothing in me; that was the best they could do; So; Why would I go out of my way to date them… In many cases I assumed I was with healthy people who wanted to be with my because they valued me; However; I never checked this before I went out with them. In other cases I wanted to play the White Knight and save them from their loveless existences and show them real love; It never worked because I forget to ask them if THEY felt their existence had a problem to it. In many cases; These people had nothing wrong with the way they were living. In many cases I was shocked on the way they were living; mainly loveless and around people who did not love them; at-least according to my standards. Unfortunately; they didn’t live according to my standards; and they didn’t know what I was talking about.
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What went wrong with my life to get me in this situation to this point and what do I need to change…
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1. Working with God; Today the universe is in control and the universe God is not sending me people that are bad for me! However; I have to work through a higher power; have someone show up through the God pathway; no other way… I tell God what Im looking for; God and I roll over it a few times and come to agreements and conclusions; God helps me to get ready for what Im asking for; God sends my way; those who God approves of; sent my direction and working with God I go from there… Thats the idea anyway.
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2. The word “ Success” must be tattoo’d into my psychology; Because, with success must come equal or better standards for what Im hoping will be a positive turn out…. So; Higher standards… Success means work toward higher standards… Working with God to become aware of my own abilities and values and then asking the question; How can I be more of what someone is looking for at those standard levels. Im not talking about being the president of bank! Im talking about manageable sanity levels.
My past has no sanity written in any stoneware or sidewalk or personality; No sanity existed in my past relational choices; It seems almost as if I was devoid or not present… And that makes sense; through aspects of it; I was either moderately high through a section of my life; later; drunk or mobile-intoxicant through a section of my life; and completely dissociated through the rest of it ( mental illness problems). What was missing; I WAS>… And I will pay for it!
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Others besides myself were also damaged people; but they took responsibility for who they dated; I did not; I think I simply wanted a mother to take care of me; or a Motherly saint to take care of me… I was so exhausted… I just wanted anyone to take care of me; I didn’t care who it was; WELL: After being dragged around in circles long enough to create deep fishers in the road ways I was being dragged through; I finally gave it rest and went into the recovery process and just hid…
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Its not fun being hated by everyone you tried to get close to; it was like everyone on earth had nothing but contempt and hatred for me. At some point I just gave up; I mean; Id had enough of society! I just could not believe this; what was happening. I just wanted to hide and go away and never come back; I had no answers for anything. I was convinced that no matter what level of life I found myself at; Kings court to the waterfront Bowery of human throwawayz-ville; It didn’t matter; from the highest level of society to the lowest; as far as I was concerned, it was all the same; In this society; no one wanted me; and I had no clue as why or where to go or what to do about it… So I just dropped out.
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NO FAMILY WANTED ME:
In cases dealing with Male friends and future romantic relationships with women; In some cases with male close friends; shockingly; they actually never wanted me around; and their families never wanted me around. In the case of all of the women I dated? Many of them; No one wanted to create a family with me; and no one certainly wanted me around their families; their present families; or to ever assume I was accepted by their families; I was not wanted by them or their families nor to be accepted to ever be in there families; I simply was not wanted as a human being or to be accepted as a human being;
This does not sound very successful. And this does not sound like any potential as a human being with a happy outcome.
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It seems liked most of the women were not looking for an authentic person… And that left me baffled and confused.
I thought I was looking for an authentic women; But in the end I was actually putting out no time or effort to look for anyone; and because of this lack of respond ability; I ended up not with an authentic women; but a synthetic one instead. I certainly ended up in confusion.
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what ever I want; I have to take responsibility working with God to find! Its no free-bee! Have I learned my lesson yet…
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I do believe in Manifestation; I believe in the laws of attraction and I love the book; Think and Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill as a standard to being or creating successful wealth; regardless of what wealth is defined as. I like many of the coaches of the laws of attraction; I feel there are many good ones.
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THE LAWS OF ATTRACTION AND MANIFESTATION;
don’t quit my day job. Its taken more hours of this hobby to slowly learn the ropes of the laws of attraction and manifestation then working a steady part time job… And why shouldn’t it; Why would I think I can master something when Ive not worked it! Its just the way it is… Ive been using success based skills of this nature for about 10 years now; its totally uprooted my limited disquieted thinking- toxins and replaced them with a Napoleonic confidence that the universe is not only on my side but identifying solutions that used to baffle me concerning success.
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I dropped away when a relationship potential failed; I took it personally and gave up. Today; Im not doing that. Im not suggesting all of this is not overwhelming and hard. I think what Im looking for exists but it will take hard work digging through the old dirt packed coal minds for the bars of Gold I preciously seek. Id take Diamonds to go with that Gold but they are seldom ever found in the same rock together; Unless of course you are mountain biking in Canada…
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Im on a good course these days; So; If Im willing to take some instruction and I stay on the right path and work with my higher power and stay in my support systems; Good things I think can come about; If Im willing to put in the Pride-less earnest work necessary to keep the standards of the concept of Success!
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I have to admit that because of so many mishaps in the possibilities of relationships; mixed with dissociation and delusion do to trauma from an early age; Im not sure I have anymore experience with the female race then an 8 year old taking his first girlfriend to the Dog show at the local fair grounds. And Im being serious here.
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I really don’t have any real successful examples of any relationships and it leaves me empty in the developmental areas of my relational hopefulness.
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As I mentioned before; at some point; I just stop in the middle of my life and wont be part of the relational experience with others anymore… I just dropped out!>
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So when it comes to women;
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1. I have no experience in relationships that work; This means; no experience with women… thats what it means; thats what it finally comes down to… Thats what it really means…
2. I don’t have a job…. Im on social security…
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NOTE: Women want “ME” to have and make more money then they do ( Hypergamy) Women want a man with experience in relationships with women; Women want a many they don’t have to teach…. At least Thats what TIK-Tok Teaches me! LOL! However; Ive experienced these things in real life that women want; so…….. Atleast the stone cold women that present themselves in some of our out going conclusions.
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NOTE: When it comes to women; I feel like I came from another planet; I don’t mean this light hard-edly or jokingly; I mean this in All grave circumstances. I feel like Im not relatable… Like Im literally from some other planet. What I consider important and of value seems to have no baring on the communities of women Ive wondered by. Sadly; I literally feel like Im from another planet! I feel like Im of no interest to anyone; Yet; Im a human being! Ill work with God on it; Maybe God can being me women from another planet! Yes; Thats what I will ask for!
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NOTE: One other problem with women; Something Ill have to work with God on; it may be the deciding factor; because of my mental illness problems; How do I defend against being destroyed emotionally if Im with someone who chooses to set me up and turn on me… Ive been destroyed this way before. This is a big problem… This is something I don’t get stronger at. My nervous system was all ready destroyed; I mean; I cant really be around anyone thats not safe. Most women Ive met are not safe and they don’t care… They don’t care what they do to other people… So really bothers me… concerns me. I guess in this area Ive got some prejudice; meaning; Im extra worried about being slaughtered emotionally.
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What do I have; A great relationship with a the universe ( Sunny Jesus-God) and recovery support areas… I have a great success based thinking system development! I know how to think correctly if I want something; Much better then before…
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NOW;
WHAT WILL I BE DOING NOW?
I will be working with a higher power on bettering my relationship situation through goals and experiences based closer on the the standards of acceptable success concept for my present situation within society! Ill be working toward positive outcomes and the responsibility that is required for such things; the acceptability of the situation and what is required. Teachable is a good place to start.
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So; as is; not very sell-able marketable goods at this point; meaning ME; to the Opposite sex; Not Yet; Ill need a make over to find out what they are looking for; Ill work with God on this to get more inline with it… Im not selling my self short; Im becoming reasonable… This is life and this is reality; Im not in Unicorn fantasies… Im out in the real world; and women have certain aspects of attraction; Looks/money; is what they venture for. Im not selling myself out; just saying.
Working with God; How can I create these illusions so I can be back in the game… However; also being myself and authentic person… I don’t plan to lie to anyone. Of course; Im an old man now. And that is an unknown to me at this point… my direction; God knows the directions for this. I have my general desires and directions; the universe knows how to un cover what is baffling.
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I want to be myself and still be attractive to women; Lots of work ahead….
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I would like to use some other terminology then market value but I cant… and I wont; its not something new; Ive seen this ever since childhood and Ive dealt with it since the age of 13….. and I was destroyed by it at the age of 14; and that was a long long long time ago… way before computers sat on desks…
However; the universe is in charge and Ill get good at pleading my case to the God universe sunny Jesus and let the universe bring the right recipients… However; altho its attraction rather then promotion; I still have to be in the swimming pool if I want to attract a female adult tadpoles…
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And I have lots of problems with dissociation up close with people; Im so nerd like and introverted. Im kind of encel like; reserved. Ive been hurt being around people; the wrong people.
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Ill have to pray to God for help in this area to meet safe nice people.
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NOTE: Just at a meeting; Talking about the idea of successful relationships; And I talked about how most of my earlier dating life 35 and below; it was a whole slew of women that I meant nothing to… And having to look at that… and wonder what? What in the world is going on… Its like Im in Unicorn land… and trying to negotiate with the outside world was just impossible to take any responsibility.
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NOTE: I wanted to be saved; Thats all I wanted; The girls I randomly found for the moment never knew anything about me.. Thats not an excuse for how they treated me. Its better to say I must have been crazy to date them; those specific people or take and interest in them; in the first place.
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The other problems that are starting; Im starting to get really therapeutic in 12 step meetings. And Im not sure I want to go any further with my deeper personal stuff in those meetings; but also; as far as relationships; I don’t have to open up deep; done that; God helped me figure things out… I mean. Ive got down the base line in what happened; there are no more special individuals; only the same girl over n over n over n over n over in a different body for years… So; Ive kind of; working with God; gotten down a base level that I Was going after women that didn’t like me; had no attraction or interest in me… or something; I was in a delusional dream world… I got slaughtered; ( I didn’t count to these people; I had no value to them).that's all that happened. Nothing else. No one appreciated me; appreciated seeing me. No one cared if they ever saw me again. No one wanted a relationship with me; at least those that counted to me; and even that I got wrong… so…
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PROBLEM:
I have a complete insecure side; that when I touch it or open it up; its like a broken alone 4 year old who had no parents; its like the sensitivity of quite well water 40 feet down in a black round walled bucket water well.
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Its so sensitive; I could hear it coming out in a meeting; and I just started quivering; my voice; I mean; scary to let that innocent part of me out; and I told everyone what was happening. Im dissociating must reading this again.
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So; Im not sure about that part of me; the child buried within me; I don’t know… Ill keep working with God on it… This is the next step to work on.
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The arts in general are doing Oke… I just have to do a little each day keep it up.
Music
Art
Writing
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WEIGHT LOSS: \
This is the other apparent important right now in my life;
Its happening; been on a diet for about 1 month; have seen change; been on my bike number of times… Im a bikest; However; Im old now and I still ride but don’t feel like putting out 5 hours a day to lose weight right now but Im slowly getting stronger.
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I am getting somewhere. The key is; can I keep this diet level food change; can it become consistent… We will see.
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