July 2025
June 2025
Ill start with my first love; This is very important to tell you Im keeping this alive until I will keep it alive but dont have to tell you. And I can tell that at some point Ill keep it alive and work on it but not have to reach out and tell you or anyone else( PTSD)(CPTSD)(Dissociative disorder)Im still stuck and afraid and terrorized by what happened; but its slowly sightly losing its grip... Ive worked on this with God and in a secondary level at the recovery process. Its slowly losing its grip because the thoughts I have of that person are dying. New and better thoughts are taking its place; created by my involvement with God.
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NOTE: Its as if that person Died and Im dealing with their sudden death; thats what it was like; what happened; only it was done on purpose by the person; I was set up sabotaged. Sickening; but their are sick murderous people in the world who will kill innocent people.. And I was killed by this person; anyway they could; Thats because they were murder'rs. GOod chance no one existed as I described.. Meaning; no First Love; Just a set up by a criminal minded murder'r. I was groomed; lied to; fooled set up and destroyed; discarded. Never knew what happened; very dangerous evil human being.. Animal; Monster; no humanity or human traits; nothing! This is closer to the truth of what I ran into and was carved up by.
NOTE: As I get better; Ill see this Monster as nothing more then a sociopathic Monster... Because thats all they were....
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NOTE: The goal is to get back on my feet; get hooked back up to the community; a new community with a new family friends social support network... That is happening slowly; its very hard with being destroyed; my mental state cant handle all that new interacting; but its gotten allot better and allot stronger... So; much hope here... Keep working with God.
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Bad things; really bad things happen to good people; Sometimes a good person walks into the house of murder'rs and is killed. It happens... Im afraid it happened to me. And at that time; I have a stack 0f bad people I was associating with; they are all similar. I found myself around bad people; some because I was a throw away and didnt want to be alone so I reached out to anyone near me... somehow making life sane. Unfortunately these were low quality people... they looked OK on the outside but on the inside watered down or no values or ethics or lawless or pathological; bordering on criminal like; Narcissistic like; very low people; but one would not see it... Unfortunately I was living in a dream world; a fantasy bond. I was trying to hold on to my original identity.
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When the rug was pulled out from under me when young; I had no place to go; lost everything; no more parents; actually any real parents never existed; it was just 2 monsters sadistically setting up children to criminally destroy them...
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Unfortunately in the years between childhood and teen years I was either thrown away or taken advantage of in to many ways...
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Now; at least now I can get some real help for that. And some of it is happening.
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THOUGHTS:
As for my first love; Ive concluded that its impossible; the thoughts I gathered about her; They cant be real or true; they are false. I interpreted from a distance her life fully. I took in information and assess'd it. What I can tell you. I was 100% wrong about everything. Their was nothing wrong with her simply because she never said their was anything wrong with her. Their was nothing wrong with this person; their was something wrong with me; I was delusional and mentally ill. And I wondered into an enemy camp and was destroyed. I was in a completely dissociated state.
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I walked up to a criminals house who thought I was a criminal minded person like her. I took her over with confidence. So; she thinks; In my opinion Im a corrupt person like she is. ( I dont really believe this or want to believe this; My senses tell me this isnt true; (Thats why I know this is true). My sense are completely off). ( WHen I pray about this; I see God not even going up to that house nor ever sending me to that house or any other house hold; God is sending me to a church)! She doesnt even exist; This person I created in my mind. I almost have no idea who the real person was I was visiting; thus perfect example of being almost completely shut off from reality from dissociative disorder and it will get much worse. The actual person I was visiting; I have no clue about; they used me and discarded me; did not have any value for me; nothing. Complete stranger and could care less who I was or if they ever saw me again.
NOTE: Its very important that I open up the beginning thoughts surrounding this person; what information I took in and the filtering and color view of those thoughts. I added allot of my own interpretations to those physical movements of her; of that information; Limerence and daydreaming fantasies; I reasoned from the information I saw. ( Its secretly all about control and the objectifying of another human being; meaning; I turned her into an object of my desire; but I did not desire her. At some point; I didnt need her anymore; I used my created fantasy to fill my needs); I reasoned who she was; who I thought she was and how she felt about me; Pure Limerence... I was 100% completely wrong. I had walked into a hornets nest and didnt know it and I would be destroyed; it was more like a Cobra's nest or den; and at some point; I will be turned on over n over while this Cobra tries to bite me; Finally she will find away to get rid of me. ITs very important that I make clear from the beginning that she is trying to get rid of me. In fact; as I look back; she is trying to get rid of me the whole time more n more; when I leave for a long stretch; she does not try to find me. When I visit her again; she wants me secretly not to come back. She has no value for me; but Im all alone in the world and wanted so badly to have a friend; to be connected. Wrong choice!?
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NOTE: GOD will not help me in this physical city or place or around these monsters; God will not start to help me until I leave this city and never return. Only after things get so bad that Im a bum and on my last legs of life and torn to pieces and dragged across the state to a new place; and into hospitals and into the recovery process; will God start to help me.
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Im very lucky; but its been an inhuman recovery process and an absolute nightmare before that; a dark experience of pure brutal terror sadness and no hope; an amplifier of pain and torture.
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And I think this is a fantastic point; but a brutal sad point for me. My narrative in my head is completely made up. I took pieces of what I saw or ingested of her; I then implanted value to that information. For example. I saw her walk from the living room to the kitchen and wash dishes... I assess'd what I saw and added feelings to it. I assess'd she was withdrawn broken and of little confidence; That means she was never taken seriously or loved( I was going to change that); Thats what I saw and I applied my own feeling base to what I saw... Was I accurate. NO! WHy! My information is being ran through my filters of sensitivity... I am giving my view of things; not reality. I found later; nothing of the sort.
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I assess'd she was being neglected by her parents and needed and wanted to be loved. Is this true? Maybe! I dont know. But Im assessing she wanted to be loved by me; Is this true. I have no idea; but I thought I did have an idea. However, how could I have any idea about about anything? This was a perfect stranger I knew nothing about; and obviously I felt it wasn't safe to go any further with the person on any level of relationship or communication or intimacy; nothing.. I feel bad about that; thats from my limerence.
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In fact; I THOUGHT about allot of things and based my decisions on what I thought. I did not base them on what I saw; I based them on the filtering added to what I saw. What I saw triggered me. It meant nothing. It had no value. I hate saying this because it makes me feel like Im abusing myself but it also takes me out of the judgment seat and maybe puts me back into a life moving forward without people like this person that lived up the street... ( Does this make sense). It was wrong on me to use someone; make someone up. Its like I made up a false relationship with this person... it never happened and I dont think their ever was any potential for such a thing. If I had been my actual self; with no fawning or chameleon Personality grooming or charm... If I was just myself and met this person; she would have walked away within 20 seconds; she would have saw nothing of any interest and just walked away as she should have; as I should have walked away from her.
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NOTE: THe work Im doing here is to get to a point of reality that I finally can accept seeing myself as I am and seeing this person walk away from me the moment they meet me; seeing nothing important while associating with me for that few seconds and never wanting to see me again; having no value for me and I meaning nothing to them... That is the goal; that they can freely leave me at that moment and never return and Im the better for it.
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I was completely wrong about this person who lived up the street. I didnt even stop to ask if this person was safe or a liar or a con or a shiftless 2 faced cutthroat... Nothing! ridiculous... I was mentally ill.
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I was a nice person and I was beat down and mentally ill. And at some point of this work Ill come to that conclusion...
The biggest and hardest conclusion is; The thinking that Im hanging on to is incorrect; its made up by me.
I lived in a delusion and the thoughts are incorrect... I have love feelings associated with thoughts I created within my mind of her( I could have done this at home independent of ever knowing her or talking to her). But I look back at those thoughts and wonder if they ever really happened( ever really existed). I described her within my mind with visuals I made up. Did she really look like that or did I make her up in my head; her attitude and how I felt she thought and felt and her temperament and personality; her pose; her eyes; her attitude of being broken. Because later non of these things rings true.
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NOTE: I never asked her out. I never questioned her on who she was; why? It wasnt safe. I mean; It was enough I had a new place to hang out. Im truly afraid everything was made up as limerence. I dont think their was one thing true about this person; this person was a monster with no concious; and I tried to make her into the friends I wanted to have when I lived in my hometown as a child... I was making her into something within my mind. And at some point; I didnt need the real person anymore. I had the imagine one and that was all I needed.
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Its as if I must keep those false image's of her; I must because if I let go of them I let go of some kind of false power I have right now in my life; a false image... this is really hard. Ill work on it.
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