August 2025
July 2025
HALFWAY HOME….
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Recovery;
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Recovery; What it means to me; It means answers and healing and a relationship with GOd to help restore my life.
What happened to me? In General;
What my parents did to me; how they treated me; what was lost… neglect abuse or other things and so on… The horror of my situation; Besides being completely thrown away… I never knew my parents; never had one personal conversation with them ever; it was as if they were strangers who lived next door.. But they lived in the same house I did; and I saw and knew no more then if I had seen a TV sitcom with parents. I knew nothing about them. I assumed as I got older they would be part of my life. Instead; nothing changed; and then while still a child; I was viciously and psychopathically dumped. I had no idea any of this was going to happen to me! Nothing! I didn’t even know they were psychopathic until later in childhood…
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Beyond my parents and the resentments they created…
I look at 2 areas in recovery that were affected or destroyed. Activities and relationships. Life comes down to this…
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So; How dysfunctional did I end up… So; the work Ive done in recovery concerns mental health and addictions and it concerns a constant assessment of Activities and relationships and how well Im doing in these areas..
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ACTIVITIES;
RATING; 75%
Im moving forward and have broken through many walls… And this is a great fantastic rating considering the past.
Activities as for the present; Im doing very well considering my past. When I started on this subject; I was completely dissociated from reality; and it will take 30 years to break through; one stone skipping upon the lake at a time. However; with Gods help; Ive broken through many areas to a point; I can start any traditional creative endeavor… And it appeared I could happily participate to a certain degree; at least to a place of solidness. Writing music art and such things...
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However; this is changing; Im becoming stronger and Im finding I can possibly become committed to something. And that is a big deal; the idea I can go beyond just participation; but be happily obsessed at something where I want to do it for long hours at a spell; We will see.
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Ive been this NEW ME for a little while. And Ive been practicing a music instrument and really allowing myself to believe. My Goal is to be committed to it; Show that desire of wanting to devour everything I can about it and learn and practice. Is this possible; Well; for most of my life no! But then Im a bit different then I used to be. Ive changed because I made hard earned changes with Gods help. Now; Im more present and Ive been attempting to push the 15 attention span I usually give to dedicated tasks. I would love to devote myself to something where I spend hours getting into it… And I might be on to something. NOT Yet tho… Im working on it; experimenting with the idea of nudging in this direction; I don’t know; its way to early to know…. However; This is all good considering Activities…
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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NOTE:
LOW SELF ESTEEM!
I went to a meeting; I said; Activities are OK… Im doing oK in this area. As for relationship; problems; but Ive made steady progress; I mentioned about lying about past relationships that never happened. And identity problems because of it; and Im not who I think I am and so on. And suddenly when confessing to everyone; BAM; LOW SELF ESTEEM; is the problem. BAM BAM BAM; That was the answer coming from God loud and clear; but it never happened until I gave out my message to everyone else; and confessed my secret… Im from the bowling league not the ivy league…
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It makes sense; I didn’t have the self esteem to ask people out; so I may have hung around them but never felt good enough to do anything else… never saying anything or giving on that I liked someone; or to go any further. I suppose; what was anyone suppose to do; they could do nothing and I couldn’t solve the problem…
Im mad no one ever liked me enough; but they didn’t; One reason could have been; I didn’t help the situation any because I never opened up in the first place…
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The other answer came while walking home from the meeting; I HAVE TO GO ON MY OWN JOURNEY: WALK MY OWN PATH: GOD PATHWAY UNDER GOD: CONCERNING SELF ESTEEM>>> Facing what ever I have to face; learning how and growing into an adult.
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Yes! I have a new purpose and direction; I pathway to build that self esteem; a walking pathway under God of learning and discovery!
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I realized; My self esteem was present as a smile child when others were taking care of me and then suddenly; I am no more; No more identity; its Gone; vanished. Its slipped out of reality and replaces with survival person maybe. NOTHING; No connection beyond early or middle childhood. No more development. And here I am an adult. An OLD MAN basically; Who cant function. Its like its all shut down. I don’t have the self esteem to work with to open anything up. Im more like a small child looking at myself from a distance… The child in me has no self esteem in the real world; hes to young; hes more like a 5 year old whos been kept inside all of this life. So; No self esteem; And God suggests a simply lengthy basic journey where I start walking and learning; and there it is; Ill get to it; Ill write up under Gods help what that might be… and how to get that started; what ever that means; amen
LOW SELF ESTEEM; Bottom of the barrel; The lowest; cringing on the assault as I'm being dragged behind a race car…
RATING; 0-50%
This is a good rating considering. It means Ive broken through to atleast 50% of the dysfunctional that laid me to waste for most of my life. And that is truly fantastic; lots of hope here.
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0%; This suggests new relationship of a romantic level; Altho lots of work has gone into change; I simply havent gone out into the world and hooked up with anyone new yet…
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Dependency Grip; Its not over yet. Im still dependent on the past; and for my identity; its being held in check by people of the past; they have the POWER! And thats what has to go; but if I let go of it; I lose them; and I feel the horrible grieving and loss. Thus; God has to create something new for me stabilizing me here and now! I need a new stabilizing platform for myself now! A transfer has to take place from then to now. A transfer of identity self. Im still owned by others then myself. And I really don’t want it.
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I feel like a fish with a hook in its mouth and Ive been reeled up onto the boat; I cant get to the hook because I only have fins… So Im helpless to get it out; if I could get the hook out; Id jump back in the water and live again… The problem is; Im floundering around but I still cant get the hook out…
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Learned helplessness; Im used to having the hook in my mouth; and Ive learned to be subservient to life because of it… So; I like being taken care of as a slave..
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The work Im doing on this subject is commendable. So; Ive broken through 50%; and this entails the past and securing myself; my identity in the present; all good.
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From 50% to 80% success in this area will take heavy daily work. And Im working on it everyday… More n more the universe allows me shows me ways to escape the past; walk out of the nightmare I lived in for so long. As God Sobers up my mind and or bring sanity; I begin to see new pathways unfolding all over the pat….
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ACTIVITIES: Im getting into my music instrument; I really like it; God brought it to me to get into; Gods Star sign is shining on me so God is smiling at me; God is happy…
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