July 2025
June 2025
ITs the beginning of the end For somethings; concerning my past..
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As for the girl up the street; More work must be done because; I saw her as a little baby; my little baby I would not share with anyone; I was her father and mother and brother and everything. She my little girl; and no one elses ever. And that connection was in me but not in her... And thats partly why this whole thing was a scam or sham... I was taken. I was led on; She didnt want me. And I took everything as the reverse of that; I thought she was my precious bride for ever and ever... My Only One. And I was wrong. I did feel those feelings.. But she had no heart of interest for me; nothing; as cold as sinister ice... an ice factory with a cool fake look and an enticing mystery... unfortunately; it was a match made in Hell; but I never knew. At the time I never talked never told her how I felt about her.
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I realize now; just how mentally ill I was; so dissociated from reality... I mean; part of me was traumatized ruptured and numb and completely gone; no realm of basic lower reality.
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So; what is God telling. She is dead!
What does that mean!
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I means she died. I treat this just as someone treats a loved one that suddenly died and one doesnt know how to get over it. I know have to learn how to get over this and move on and get a new life..
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The new life is slowly brewing. Im so messed up and weak in my personality.
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As for this girl; its got to go; I mean; its unfortunate; it really is or was; and it was 2 much for me. But right now; I know the end conclusion.
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I plan to marry someone else to have a happy ending... And so; she has to go. and their is that part of me that is attached to her and the attachment has to be lessened. Im still to dependent on her memory.
I can see how I ended up in melancholy all my life over it. I lost someone I loved as if they had died.. and it was like sudden and it happened with everything else during those years of horror and torture... And suddenly this ended the same way; a horrible tragedy that was not suppose to be like this. But looking back at her... I mean; this was a monster I tried to turn into a future wife within my mind and heart.
I was mistaken. And its taken along to to admit that. technically; No one like me could or should even be in a room with someone like that for more then a few minutes... thats all anyone could really take if they had a conscious.
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Heres my point. From now on with Gods help; I have to ask for help from God on how to handle this like she is a dead person that I will never see again. even the way I just described this last sentence is me attempting to have reservations on the truth. She is dead... always has been but Ive hung on to it for most of my life... Why? And Ill be looking closer at that and or but; I have to move on; I have to now treat this as a dead person and that I must get over and move on so I can have other relationships.
I really could not get over her because I saw her as this precious girl that belonged to me and only me. But that was never the truth; thats what I thought in my heart; but in reality; there never really was a precious girl to get over.
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The other thing that bothers me is being used right in front of me at the time; being taken advantage of and I didnt even see it because I was so mentally ill≥. That really bothers me and hurts my pride or ego... I was just someone taken for a ride; thats all that was.
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Its important that I learn to maintain my integrity for my identity without this person... Knowing this person is no longer in me; if one can understand that; to Stand up on my own 2 feet with out that other persons identity within me... Just me now!
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So; it should get interesting learning how to grieve and let go of this person so I can stand on my own 2 feet without needing to remember her and moving forward with other relationships.
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And thats the other thing; Ive also learned that I have to move forward anyway and get into new relationships... And im learning that. ITs all hard. all of this.
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Its hard; and hard to accept and imagine all this insanity that happened to me and tragedy and this was a final insane tradgety directly relatated to being thrown away from my parents when young; they used me as well. After I hit a certain age; it was over... no more interest... I was just used permanently.
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So; for this girl to do the same thing and I imagine the rest and then add that this is someone special and deep to me when she was actually a sociopath; Well. If you really want to know the truth; it really sounds like I was mentally ill and I dont want to admit it.. and that may be the real problem of all this; I want so badly to make it all sound like I was normal and just hurt; but in reality; my mental condition is what this is about and also the fantasy I had of this girl for being in my life; what I thought would happen; we would start dating; Id make a pass at her first; she would become my girlfriend and we would get married and live happily ever after; But thats not what happened;. The fantasy died very quickly because I could not follow through on that dissociative fantasy of un reality. I couldn't budge; I became catatonic and freeze mode and could not move or function anymore.
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Anyway; some how I got hooked in; hook line and sinker... And now Im trying to dissolve the whole thing and get this persons fake memories out of my dissociate part of my brain; open things up and get this delusion out of my mind...
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OK; so; Ill be reading about how people who have lost someone they could not get over; Ill be looking into information about grieving so they can move on.
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And Part of me dissociates when I think about moving on from her... and that is a major horror problem because of damage and pain. My mind cant handle letting go of her; its all meant to much to me and my identity; so Ill pray for help and learn how to live without her anymore.
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ive made new friends; so Ive been able to get that far in life... its not perfect yet; but my social skills are weak but coming back.
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So; Ill have too really grieve...
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So the first thing I have to keep doing is de humanize this person; turn her into the living sociopathic monster she actually was; pure evil; cunning liar that set me up in the first place and who was never my friend and who had anterior motives while knowing me.
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The best friend I had when young; is over with... Why? I was able to see is inconsistency and I was able; with Gods help; to figure out with evidence from the beginning that he was running a sham on me. Meaning; he was playing me. He was never a real friend; he was never anything. I not only meant nothing to him as a friend; I meant nothing to him as a person; I was just someone to use.. a number. And I was able to successfully prove this; God helped me with it. And because of that; I told him he could hit the road and never come back ever. That last time I saw him; it was crystal clear; just as God had pointed out to me... I was just used by these people; his family. they never wanted me to come back.
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The point is; he is gone; of no interest to me; Im glad hes gone... he was harmful person and Im glad Im not more scythed by the person.
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However, this girl who lived up the street; I should enough evidence on her to do the same thing; get rid of her as a friend from my mind and soul. However, part of me doesnt want to. SO; I need stronger evidence against here... Its a long drawn out fright within myself; and I must keep at it until the forces and walls with in me give in. I have to live without this persons memory or value. The problem is; I still see her as valuable. And the facts show she is not nor ever was. So; I have to get rid of the idea that she needed to be saved only by me because she was helpless. And I missed my chance at that one time deal with someone that God sent me. All of this has to go; but I must have proof of that all of this actually is.
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Pride is the biggest problem; I would say Im worried that she will be all alone and abandon and I wont do that to her; I loved her; I love her.
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But; Pride of losing her; and I losing face; Way over my head. However, I dont ever remember dealing with this before concerning strait pride. I mean; Ill read up on how to let go of Pride concerning something like this.. Get over the losing of someone and learn to remain me... un touched.. thats what I have to do for myself.
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I also see her picture pop up In my head when I talk about getting rid of her; out of my mind and my life... moving on...
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And I have to see her completely devalued;. since she has no value I can just slip her out of my mind and on her way; who cares. I have to get to a point that I see her has no value so I can move on from her. What will it take to do that. A part of me still wants to save her... Thats the child in me I think; the innocent me; and Ill have to deal with that.
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Im afraid of the loss of pleasure it gives me to think about her... and obsess over her... and stay with her in my mind..
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Its like I have 2 halves of me; One is me; the other is her. And I imagine Im kissing her; on her and she responds to me as if Im her kissing me... I guess its very narcissistic or something; delusional I guess. Maybe that was the only way I could deal with her loss.
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IT may be the only way I could deal with all the losses and abuse; it was over my head when I lost her... or realized I never had her; I only had thoughts of her; of what I wished could have been but never believed it could ever be. And I was right... She didnt turn out to be someone safe. But I could still never get over her until now.
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Now; I want to see her as unsafe and any other way I can until I have no interest in her because I know she was my enemy. Why this is so damn hard I dont know.. I guess its a humiliating blow to my self esteem and self worth I could never get over. To much entitled Pride I guess. Ill work on it.
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At this point its no different then dealing with a dead person I just lost and have to move on from.
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More Thoughts on the girl up the street;
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Ive seen this behavior before; not just from other psychopaths or sociopaths or arrogant rich... Ive seen it in the 12 step meetings with numerous women in the meetings who are authentic psychopaths or sociopaths who have been in n out of jails; In some case; women prisons for long extended amounts of time... Its the same behaviors... Same behaviors of dominating style stalkers... same thing.
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In this girls case; she did something I recognize right now; but did not then; I see a silent contrived plan to pull the floor out from underneath me from the beginning; yet; I see her never focusing on that; putting her energy somewhere else so I would not focus on what is going on in lower levels of awareness while around her. What this means; shes leading people on to pull the rug out on them. That is the primary process; trickery...
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I remember an attractive women in the meetings; she new she was attractive. She acted open when I was around her; the last time... I thought; Ill call her. BAM! And their it is; That was her plan; The trap sprung. I had forgotten. I did get her phone number and called her several times; that was the trap; However, I was actually practicing at that time; I didnt really care if she actually picked up at the end of the phone line. And that was about dissociative disorder. What I didnt know; she had a man at home... IT was a trap... She was not single but she watched me and others to appear that way. She did this with no remorse. I mean; You wouldn't have even questioned it. They have no conscious; no remorse.
Suddenly the last time I saw her was with a new man pregnant and I thought; My God; what about her last lest of kids I remember... after she dumped her husband. Where are they; ruined... destroyed. She was a complete monster. But then I already knew that. They capture people when someone isn't looking... thats all they do. I looked at her new boyfriend or baby father... or what ever; and I thought; hes got no idea what hes just gotten himself into... stupid simp!
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And looking back at the girl up the street; as much as its disbelief for me; thats exactly what I got myself into from the start; someone who was setting me up to pull the rug on me. IT was all a game from the start; I was a sitting duck. I was made a fool out of... It was sadistic. So; Im trying to create a picture here...
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So; not only do I want revenge and want to go back up and see the person; red hot enraged..But I was also in love with her. Unbelievable as I look back right now and see what I just wrote. I got caught by a kind of stalker... Same thing. Just another sociopath; sadistic sociopaths looking to turn others into victims.... And thats all it was. And the evidence points that out... Nothing special about me here. And thats the other problem; I was made to believe I was special; a special emperor; I mean; look what Ive caught.
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So; it was kind of like bait and switch... And Ive seen numerous women practice this and I suppose narcissists do this.. it was like catching a fish with a fishing pole; but not knowing the fish had also caught me... and when I thought I would real back a fish; I found the fish secretly switched a piece of dynamite on the end of the fishing line and swam off; so unexpectedly reeled in the line; bam; the dynamite goes off and blows me up. I had no idea thats what I was dealing with; I thought I was just dealing with a fish fishing.
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And so it was with this girl; she was looking to destroy someone dumb enough to trust her... I understood what the behavior was; I just never thought that was happening to me or someone would even try it after all that I had gone through. This type of sociopath is looking for someone just like me; someone that doesnt think anyone would pull that on them; someone that needed to believe they were safe... and I thought I was safe and confident; and thats exactly what she was looking for... And I hate it; and I hate this; I got duped; is that the right word. And Ill have to work with the wounds... ITs like I got a granite blown up in my face and she was no where to be seen. Because thats the type of monster I was dealing with.
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Out of pride and Ego; my mind wants to tell me some silly story about scenario about how she was a lost little girl nonsense. When in reality; this was not a female women; but a monster posing as a women to capture victims... meaning a criminal looking to take advantage of citizens; thats all this was. And I can see it; but a part of me cant take it; that; this was all it was; because I thought I was something by being able to hang out with her... I thought my status was through the roof because I was hanging out with her... I thought I had made it; I had arrived. But in reality; I was still the unknown regular guy I was; I was just being played by someone with contempt for me even thinking I could hang out with her... I payed for it... hard; but I never knew that was going on; I actually thought she was a girlfriend.. someone interested in me. I can see how ignorant that is... or foolish... She simply kept up the act; it didnt take any work at all.
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She allowed me to chase her and play her. And she acted like she was falling for it the whole time and things were slowly progressing. In reality nothing was progressing.
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"She allowed me to chase her and play her. And she acted like she was falling for it the whole time and things were slowly progressing. In reality nothing was progressing"; Here is another statement of importance. I can feel it; its very hard to let go of and accept. And I should write on why this is so hard. its about my childhood and having my parents do the same thing to me... and loosing my neighborhood and all my friends because they sold my house in my neighborhood and I had no place to go...
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So; this girl saw all that weakness... And when she pulled the rug out on me; she knew I had no place to go back to... She knew I was trying to get ahead...
I just never knew I was being played and thats all this was.
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"I just never knew I was being played and thats all this was."
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And in that upper sentence I just wrote; and their we are; slowly getting closer to dealign with the real pain and being put into uncompromising situations of fear and terror where Im stuck and alone and caught... Thats what the murder'r wants.. they want to entrap a victim. And its my goal to see this monster for the monster they are and nothing else. To stop seeing them for the mask they were wearing... I mean I got caught hook line and sinker; and My Pride wont let me accept it for what it was; I got defeated; and thats all that happened; I was a lonely alone broken angry person looking to get ahead; to make it out of my situation and I thought she could help; I was simply slaughtered; thats all that happened; no relationship; I was simply set up and defeated and slaughtered right from the start... from someone who thought they were better then me... And I thought hey; this is cool; Im now in the better leagues... Im with this girl now; I must have made it.
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A sense of safety was created with this girl; I felt so safe. Damn. Now I see it even more; I mean; I did see it in the writing; That special feeling of feeling safe every time I went up around her; I was being set up and that special place of feeling safe was something setting me because they thought I was inferior to them and they we're setting me up to have me destroyed; they had to get my trust so I would slowly let down my walls; then they would attack and I feel for it hook line and sinker...
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And I have to stop dissociating when I think about this or look at it because Im not special... it happened to me... Thats the big big problem. And I seem to write it off; because by her doing that; its a smash to my ego and my development and my self esteem and confidence. Its someone looking at me like; " who the hell do you think you are". I had no idea thats what was going on here.
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And my narcissism wont let go. Wont let go and accept thats what happened... Its really hard; its like being raped again.... or molested by a molester... So; thats all this was.
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Hopefully I can accept; thats all this was. I had no friends here. nothing. I was just being used and set up. And now that I look at it; her brother was no different then she was... it doesnt surprise me that he set me as well; because that was part of the deal; he was one of the people that picked me up to meet her; the whole thing was a scam by scamming lying people. thats all it was... thats all they were.
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And at some point; it was; I was a nice innocent person; she was a scam artist; I fell for it not knowing; I got taken and she was gone. and thats all this was. I had no friend here. Im mad that I could not see it. I mean this went on for a long time... over n over... and I never saw it. I was just being played and used by this person; this person was no friend of mine... MY God! Why cant I wake the F__ck up and see that!
Thats all Im trying to do; stop squeezing this lemon to get the lasts juice out of it and wake up.
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So; I was privileged and entitled and was going to make my dreams come true at her expense; However, she already saw me coming the whole time; and was fooling me the whole time; and I stupidly allowed myself to believe I was safe; pure EGO and Entitlement; she waited and set the bait and set the trap and BAM... it was like a grenade going off in a room.. it was like she left and I felt safe and felt fine and BAM; the bomb went off; and blew the room to pieces with me in it. SO; this was no friend... This was no friend of mine...
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"THIS WAS NO FRIEND OF MINE!"
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Its like my mind has to be retrained because it just cant take the trauma of the real truth behind this. I mean right now it cant take it; the child in me is so lonely and alone and broken and now this; having to take more of this horrible reality to keep facing... The child in me has never been here with me; never present; he has always been back with her in his mind. And I think he was doing this because he believed her; he thought she was a trusted friend and he had no idea he was being set up nor knew what that meant.... She did; she saw the vulnerability from the beginning; But I had no idea.
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SO; Now We are starting to get somewhere as the truth opens up and some of the real pain from this reality. I had no way out of my situation where I was living. I thought if I met this girl; that would be a way out; I banked on it; put all my eggs into one basket and gambled knowing I would win; but I didnt; I lost. And it wasnt even that I lost. but it was.
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"So your telling me the whole thing was a sham from the beginning". I was never in that league like my fantasy said.. I thought I had found a place to rest and hide and all I found was a murder'r. and that is all I found. And Im having a hard time with this.
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Ive stated the reality; but Im having a hard time with it... part of me just wont accept reality. I got something for nothing and I was so close and then it was whisked away; but in reality; I was close to nothing; Ive got to wake up...
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The child in me really needed her as a friend; I was overloaded at the time... and by finding out ai didnt have a friend at that time is to much for the child in me to bare; cannot handle that; that is to much fear and terror and betrayal; to be betrayed again.
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However, savings grace; so I dont go mad! ive also learned; it wasnt personal; it never is with the mindless sociopath or psychopath... they are animals; they are just feeding on people; its not personal. They may not even remember my name... They are just playing a joke or a game; thats all it is to them; a free ride; a joy ride; a thrill ride; a thrill.
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At some point in all this; as I accept and wake up; and in order to do that I have to go deeper through the flooring wall of dissociative disorder; and if I can do that... go through this trap door to a deeper level; see this as just another criminal act as happens to anyone... Im not special; I got taken... I hate it; but the answer for my life was not in that dead ended situation... for that was a dangerous situation I got out of. I must remember that.
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God has the answer for me...
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The problem is the inner thoughts of this girl that I created in my mind; the child created in his mind to use her as a security blanket. The little child in me felt safe with her; IM so sorry; but he never won as he was hoping and he never escaped life at that time by going up to her house; it was a trapped land mine; thats all it was; I never did make it out of my life at that time or could escape up at her house... In fact; their really was no " her house"; this was a perpetrator and a criminal minded thief; thats all this was...
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I have to keep this up until I start getting mad about it; feeling the betrayal... because that will be the beginning of letting go of this and accepting it; and fear is stoping me... fear of being exposed as a fool... I got caught... someone saw me coming and set me up. and thats all this was.
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So; I cant answer this all in a day; Im slowly getting closer to answers my dissociative condition does not want me to answer. its like Im fighting 2 people inside me... one is for me and one is against me.. Horrible.
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